I try to tell her in the sweetest way and she still gets offended. It comes to a point where her clothes starts to smell. She says she takes a bath, but my nose tells me otherwise. I very keen to odor, so just going into her room bothers me. I'm the only person who takes care of her. I work, she's home by herself until I get home, so i Don't know if she takes a bath or not, she says she does. This is frustrating, I can't even touch the subject, she starts saying that I'm offending her. Advice please.
Elderly women don't like being exposed.
They don't like being cold and they don't like being bossed around in a condescending manner or treated as though they are half baked even if they are at the time.
Make sure the bathroom is warm and free of drafts.
Have plenty of warm towels available,
Only uncover the part you are actually washing.
Give the patient a wash cloth to wash the "front" of the genital area, then have them turn around and do a really good job right through from the back if needed.
As each body part gets washed dry and wrap in a warm towel and only do small parts at a time, drying immediately, for example only do one arm at a time not the whole front of the body.
I am in my third month of hospitalization at present and have been bathed in all kinds of manners, some kind and cozy and some i'd rather not describe. I no longer care about modesty but what really got to me in the first hospital I was in was the use of male aides providing the most intimate of care. Personally I can't pee if some strange male is watching me - you might as well put a toilet in the middle of a parking lot with no walls!!!!!!!! Needless to say I am never going back to that hospital again ever. To me that has nothing to do with modesty it is plain degrading.
Anyway back on subject as others have said when you are caring for a loved one with any degree of dementia you just have to be in charge and get the job done even if it means enlisting the help of other family members to actually get them in the shower. Clothes simply get removed from the room and washed and only a small selection left in reach. As long as undies and socks are changed at least daily I see no problem to wearing something more than once as long as it is not stained.
If mom was agitated I would ask her if I could have a glass of red wine. She would say yes (she has control). Then I would ask if she wanted one too. Of course she would. Fifteen minutes later her cheeks would be rosy and so was her outlook.
And it works a lot better than a roll-on or other deodorant.
This hit provides links to several other posts about this issue:
https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=seniors+who+don%27t+want+to+bathe
One of the issues beyond that of safety, fear of falling, and the really legitimate fear of being cold, is that of different perceptions of bathing requirements and how to handle them. I'm assuming that people who work bathe daily, but seniors don't get that much activity to need to bathe that often. I think the apparent nursing home standard of twice a week is adequate.
I'm a big proponent of the no rinse soaps and shampoos used in hospitals. They provide a good cleaning, not as refreshing as I find a shower, but they do make a person feel clean.
The elder doesn't need to get completely undressed, slide over a transfer bench (which I also wholeheartedly support), shiver while showering, shiver while dressing, and feel put through a whole ordeal.
Those wise caregivers who suggested making this a pampering time shared real insight. Spend time afterward with Mom to style or fix her hair, or apply some nice safe (not perfumed, b/c of the chemicals) lotion and give her a gentle massage or back rub if she likes that.
Then spend some more special time with Mom, reminiscing, looking at magazines, photos, just talking, listening to her favorite music, perhaps having some tea or fresh cider, perhaps even some healthy home made baked goods.
If you bake your own bread, time it so the bread is baking just as you start the body cleanup, then the aroma of baked bread is also something she'll remember. Or put some spices, especially cinnamon, in a pot to provide a nice fragrant, spa type background. Scented candles also can work well.
Have a nice clean outfit ready for Mom to wear, adding perhaps that this is a special day because you get to treat her in a special way (and make her feel good without being traumatized).
Make it a bonding experience, a pleasant sensory experience, to create memories and turn the bathing process from a traumatic ordeal into one which your mother remembers as being followed by something very comforting and loving.
I was one of the ones who years ago insisted on regular bathing; it was always traumatic for both of us. I only wish I knew then what I know now and didn't feel that I needed to bathe Mom so regularly when it was causing so much discomfort. I just never realized how unpleasant it was for her and thought that I was doing the right thing to keep her clean.
And thanks to Maggie and others who I can't specifically remember right now who made these great suggestions to turn bathing into a memorable and positive experience. Yogagirl, I think you were one of them.
Seriously: when all you do is hang around the house, taking a bath isn't a priority for a lot of depressed people. Neither is laundry. Take a sweaty shirt off, throw it in the hamper, and next week it's ready to wear when there's nothing else clean.
Beating around the bush isn't going to make her clean up her act. Next time add a dash of tough love and give it to her straight. Both of you might cry a little afterwards, but at least there will be an understanding.
@yogagirl, if I do that! she'll get mad.
@Sunnygirl, nothing is wrong with her, she's just lazy. She says she doesn't sleep with no one, so she can skip bathing. Ha! I said, um no! You need to bathe anyway. On another note, I need find companion for mom. Is there any govrmnt agency that can me with that. Mom or I can't afford to pay for private agency.
"Laundry time!" or "Flu shot time!" No discussion, non negotiable, like wearing your seatbelt.
My mom also resists bathing and especially changing clothes. She can take her own showers but she frequently refuses. Without supervision, she will wear the same clothes for days. When she still lived with me I didn't give her a choice. I removed her dirties when she got ready for bed and laid out the next morning's clothes. I turned off her TV and hid her TV remote until she completed her bath.
At the AL where she now lives, the aides will set up the shower and towels for her and will stand by while she showers herself. She usually understands that if she won't get in and take it herself they will bathe her themselves, which she abhors so she usually cooperates.