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I try to tell her in the sweetest way and she still gets offended. It comes to a point where her clothes starts to smell. She says she takes a bath, but my nose tells me otherwise. I very keen to odor, so just going into her room bothers me. I'm the only person who takes care of her. I work, she's home by herself until I get home, so i Don't know if she takes a bath or not, she says she does. This is frustrating, I can't even touch the subject, she starts saying that I'm offending her. Advice please.

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All you can be is honest when it comes to hygiene. The problems with letting hygiene slide is that the results can cause illness, particularly in women. So be honest with her and let her know that you are not fooled. Let her know the importance of being clean and be honest when she smells. You will be doing her a favor by being honest. It is better that you tell her that she smells and needs a bath than for everyone to start avoiding you or for her to start having urinary tract and skin infections.
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I had the same problem. It was a real task. What I would do is I would go through her closet and pick out a new outfit almost everyday. I would tell my mom, "I haven't seen you wear this in awhile. Do you think it still fits? Would you try it on and let me know?" It seemed weird at first telling her the same thing over and over, but she never realized what I was doing and she would change her clothes for me. When it came to bathing, I would just tell her that I needed her to take a bath when I was there to make sure she was clean. Even if she insisted she had already bathed I would just tell her that in order for me to get the government assistance that we were recieving I had to be sure she was bathing and she had to go in a bath again, so that I could be honest. She would fight me about it at times, but usually she would comply.
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Maybe do you have a cyclic issue? Dirty body in clean cloths is still a dirty body then if she's like my mom and doesn't feel cloths need to be washed after one wearing (undies and socks excluded) then you've got dirty cloths going on a clean (maybe) body or worst dirty cloths dirty body. You can try some detective work to check about the bath. Put a little bit of salt in a spot where it would get washed away. If she's not using the bath is it because she's worried about a fall or being able to get out after? Does your bath have grab bars? After you've determined the bathing, sneak a look at how clean her cloths really are. My moms eye sight prevented her from really seeing how dirty her cloths got. And - she couldn't deal with the physical aspect of doing her own laundry anymore so she just hung stuff back up. Fighting odors like this with probably take dealing with both these issues. Then I agree that tactful honesty is best. Tell her it's because you love her you're bringing it up. Tell her if you didn't care you'd let her go around smelling bad.
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Rainmom above has some excellent points regarding the bath itself. As we age we fear falling and going into a bathtub or shower is a huge fear. If you don't have a bathmat on the floor of the tub or shower, get one as that does help. AND that bathmat is a good giveaway if someone had taken a shower earlier on and under the mat would still be quite wet.

For myself I have found the bath towels are getting too big to handle.... as one ages and has less strength, a wet towel starts to weight a ton. I could never find a bath towel that was shorter than my Mom so Mom kept using her old thin towels even though you could almost see through them. Mom just couldn't life the newer towels.

Have Mom bathe when you are home, that would make Mom feel more secure that someone is in the house in case she should fall. And sometimes we have to bribe our elders to do things..... no cake & ice cream until after your bath !!
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Thank you, all theses options are very helpful. Last nite I spoke with her, as usual she was offended, but later that nite she's was bathing and this afternoon when I got home from work, she had changed her clothes.
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That's great news. I don't know what your mom's issues are, but when my loved one first got dementia she stopped bathing. She would lie about it repeatedly, but I knew she was lying. It was obvious. Her shower would not even be wet, no damp towels, ever. Plus, she seldom changed her clothes and stopped doing laundry. She would cry like a child when I insisted that she bathe. She's in Memory Care now and sometimes they still have a hard time getting her bathed. Something about dementia seems to create this aversion.
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marwil, that is the same thing that happens with my mother. At first she'll get mad at me and deny there's a problem. Then she'll do it later after she's had time to think about it. I believe they know we're telling the truth. It is just a bit embarrassing to be told.
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Consider a shower chair if you haven't already. And also the hand held shower heads. Makes showering much more comfortable and safe.
My mom also resists bathing and especially changing clothes. She can take her own showers but she frequently refuses. Without supervision, she will wear the same clothes for days. When she still lived with me I didn't give her a choice. I removed her dirties when she got ready for bed and laid out the next morning's clothes. I turned off her TV and hid her TV remote until she completed her bath.
At the AL where she now lives, the aides will set up the shower and towels for her and will stand by while she showers herself. She usually understands that if she won't get in and take it herself they will bathe her themselves, which she abhors so she usually cooperates.
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In my best Mary Poppins voice I announce, "Bath time!" or "Nap time!"
"Laundry time!" or "Flu shot time!" No discussion, non negotiable, like wearing your seatbelt.
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I'm moving my mom from AL to a NH (I'm learning the jargon here) next Monday. Today was my meeting with the new place to go over charges etc. they require two showers a week and don't charge for them. I was warning the admin guy that my mom will put up a fuss cause she hates showering and hates even more having someone assist or stand by. He said that was very common with elderly in general but almost a given with dementia residents. He told me they had one lady who spits and bites the whole time! He also said they had one gal who does all the showers - that's her total job. Says she's great at it. How'd you like to do that for a living?
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Marwil - yeah! Way to go and great job in hitting the issue head on and not shrinking away! Give your mom a great big thank you and positive reinforcement. If you can afford a treat for her down the road if she keeps it up - that might be a nice touch.
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Rainmom, that would be a tough job. Making sure they don't fall while taking all that attitude.
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Rainmom, I think you'll have to come up with a special present for that woman on Christmas. I think I'd rather herd cats on the back of a bucking bronco.
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OMG - you guys are too funny! You two just gave me my first laugh all day - thanks!
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@Magdalena, she has both.
@yogagirl, if I do that! she'll get mad.
@Sunnygirl, nothing is wrong with her, she's just lazy. She says she doesn't sleep with no one, so she can skip bathing. Ha! I said, um no! You need to bathe anyway. On another note, I need find companion for mom. Is there any govrmnt agency that can me with that. Mom or I can't afford to pay for private agency.
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marwil, I hope this phase passes. My mom isn't easy either! Many of her issues resolve with time, only to be replaced by new challenges.
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Pour yourself a large beverage at mealtime and 'accidentally' knock it over in her direction at the meal. Apologize and quickly shuffle her into the bathroom to clean her up, standing in the tub and whoops you soak her with the handheld shower and now everything has to come off. Keep chattering apologies while you dry her off.
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Pamstegma - very creative! It's amazing the things we will do and say, right? As long as it gets the job done!
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pamstegma, very good strategy.
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I'm sorry, but for a moment I thought about taking her clothes to the backyard, burning them, and praying for forgiveness.

Seriously: when all you do is hang around the house, taking a bath isn't a priority for a lot of depressed people. Neither is laundry. Take a sweaty shirt off, throw it in the hamper, and next week it's ready to wear when there's nothing else clean.

Beating around the bush isn't going to make her clean up her act. Next time add a dash of tough love and give it to her straight. Both of you might cry a little afterwards, but at least there will be an understanding.
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Wow, I wish it were as easy as all of these suggestions. But in some peoples reality, it is not. I am not dealing with the sweet little old lady that smiles back unknowingly. I've commented before about my MILs personality and she will do things out of spite just to see you sweat. First we thought she was Alzheimer's now short of a scan on her dead brain, they say Lewy Body, which I had guessed long before the doctors. She refuses to shower to no end and she won't wear the much needed personal panties for urine and poop. She can do all of these things and she is mobile, she just won't. She also has a shower chair, a hand held and grab bars but NOPE! you're not getting her in there for weeks at a time. Usually by then we are all fed up and the house smells at the front door. You can be as sweet as pie and you will be getting no where with out a fight. I've got to the point that I actually think she enjoys the fight! How pathetic is that? I've tried to put myself in her position many times over, though I will never truly know what goes on in her head but my God, there is no being nice any more. We all look at it like a job and it just needs to get done. This sounds harsh, I know but we are way OVER offending her. If you have to tell a person that they need to change or shower and it upsets them, tough! The healthy choice is a shower and clean clothes. This is just my personal experience so please don't feel that this is directed at anyone.
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I have to tell my dad to the point because I can't use my hands to help him due to my cerebral palsy.
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There are a number of other posts here addressing similar situations, with some answers by astute posters who've found a way around this. I believe it was the wise Maggie Marshall who suggested making cleaning a special time for bonding with one's mother.

This hit provides links to several other posts about this issue:

https://www.agingcare.com/search.aspx?searchterm=seniors+who+don%27t+want+to+bathe

One of the issues beyond that of safety, fear of falling, and the really legitimate fear of being cold, is that of different perceptions of bathing requirements and how to handle them. I'm assuming that people who work bathe daily, but seniors don't get that much activity to need to bathe that often. I think the apparent nursing home standard of twice a week is adequate.

I'm a big proponent of the no rinse soaps and shampoos used in hospitals. They provide a good cleaning, not as refreshing as I find a shower, but they do make a person feel clean.

The elder doesn't need to get completely undressed, slide over a transfer bench (which I also wholeheartedly support), shiver while showering, shiver while dressing, and feel put through a whole ordeal.

Those wise caregivers who suggested making this a pampering time shared real insight. Spend time afterward with Mom to style or fix her hair, or apply some nice safe (not perfumed, b/c of the chemicals) lotion and give her a gentle massage or back rub if she likes that.

Then spend some more special time with Mom, reminiscing, looking at magazines, photos, just talking, listening to her favorite music, perhaps having some tea or fresh cider, perhaps even some healthy home made baked goods.

If you bake your own bread, time it so the bread is baking just as you start the body cleanup, then the aroma of baked bread is also something she'll remember. Or put some spices, especially cinnamon, in a pot to provide a nice fragrant, spa type background. Scented candles also can work well.

Have a nice clean outfit ready for Mom to wear, adding perhaps that this is a special day because you get to treat her in a special way (and make her feel good without being traumatized).

Make it a bonding experience, a pleasant sensory experience, to create memories and turn the bathing process from a traumatic ordeal into one which your mother remembers as being followed by something very comforting and loving.

I was one of the ones who years ago insisted on regular bathing; it was always traumatic for both of us. I only wish I knew then what I know now and didn't feel that I needed to bathe Mom so regularly when it was causing so much discomfort. I just never realized how unpleasant it was for her and thought that I was doing the right thing to keep her clean.

And thanks to Maggie and others who I can't specifically remember right now who made these great suggestions to turn bathing into a memorable and positive experience. Yogagirl, I think you were one of them.
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Other ideas (1) bath heater and (2) baby wipes. To the point about being so cold, a bathroom heater made a huge difference. First we used a portable one (tucked on the side of the toilet). We later added a ceiling vent/heater. It is amazing for all of us! We also have a flip-down bench seat (super sturdy), a roll-in shower, and grab bars. Wow. What a difference. It had been so physically hard and uncomfortable to shower in the bathtub at their old house it was a struggle. Rightfully so. They'd be cold and exhausted. But with this setup (while he still didn't volunteer), Dad didn't complain. A male shower-helper in-home after a surgery really helped too bc Dad felt safe w/someone strong. So, maybe someone just to help with bathing if you can. What took me 30 min only took him 10 min, and then he was on to the next person. It helped me (small person) and Dad (big) be more confident as a team having learned from him. I know most can't reconfigure their bath to barrier-free, but do what you can for bars/seats and consider the heater - a treat for caregivers too. Also, it may help to give a lot of leeway before assigning intent on why they do/don't do things. I was less frustrated remembering they honestly think they did shower/change, their sense of smell/taste is diminished (they think we are exaggerating), and even opening the shampoo may be hard (arthritis, fibromyalgia), let alone managing a bar of wet soap or button a shirt. Big bath towels are hard to manage, but light ones aren't cozy. Mom used baby wipes to extend time between showers (easier to manage, didn't make her cold, no one saw her naked). One other thing to try is a "new" scent of body wash (big/easy flip top or better yet a pump style so they don't have to lift/handle a bottle), tell them you want to see if they like it, compliment on how great it is when they use it. I gave an extra long hug and compliment. It worked for both mom/dad, although we eventually went back to J&J baby hair/body wash (gentle, no scent, and one bottle for hair/body). I told mom I'd read it was a Hollywood secret bc so gentle on skin, and she felt pampered vs. babied. Ah, the things we do...
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Oh, and not knowing what is what (shampoo, conditioner, body wash) can even be a barrier to trying. Turned out Mom was very embarrassed she couldn't read/distinguish what to use where, and Dad couldn't read (alexia). This was before they needed actual in-shower assistance. So we started writing on the bottles (a big 1 on shampoo, 2 on conditioner, and drew a body shape on the wash) with permanent marker.
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Lying? Is it lying or they forget. Mom gets a shower Sun, Tues, and Thursday. Off day is a sponge bath. Mom hasn't been able to wear deoderant for years. She breaks out in itchy welts. Have tried a crystal daughter found, Toms which made the oder worse and vaginal powder that was suggested, nothing worked. Bought Arm & Hammer unscented. No breakout. She complains that she itches. I have never seen her itch and there is no sign she is scratching. When she said it again today I told her without it she will stink. A little itchis better than smelling. Me, I also, am very aware of smells.
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Joann, cornstarch might work better than baking soda (if that's what you're referring to by Arm & Hammer). I've used baking soda in lieu of powder and it caused a very uncomfortable itch. I recall that nurses told my mother when she had rehab to use cornstarch, so that's what I use, with no problems.

And it works a lot better than a roll-on or other deodorant.
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Arm and hammer hasa deoderant. Daughter likes it and suggested for Mom. Mom did the cornstarch thing, didn't work. I only use the A&H when she baths. Seems to work till the next bathing. So, I don't put it on everyday. I never see her scratching or does she complain anyother time but when I go to put it on. Think she is thinking about the past. I can't take BO smells. I actually gag if around someone who smells. Can't take Avon colognes either. Can tell when someone has it on. Havea delecate smeller. :-D
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I had the same problem with my mother. She had a shower seat in her shower stall, so get what didn't get washed? You guessedI it-her rear end! I just had to pull her aside, difficult as it was, and tell her she had an odor. She would try to wear the same clothes day after day. Yuk! I got them laundered while she sleeping. So you just have to be forthright.
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I like the idea about sneaking off with laundry while they are sleeping. Then you spill something on the nightgown and robe, like maple syrup, and that gets those into the laundry too. As long as you appear to be the awkward one, mom thinks she is in control, thinks she has to watch over you.
If mom was agitated I would ask her if I could have a glass of red wine. She would say yes (she has control). Then I would ask if she wanted one too. Of course she would. Fifteen minutes later her cheeks would be rosy and so was her outlook.
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