Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?

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Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?

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I was talking with a friend I use to be super close with about my mom's sudden decline and need to find an AL. She responded with how she would never put her mom in an Al and take care of her. She went on about how much she loves her mom etc… I was taken aback by this. She knows I’m extremely close with my own mother and adore her. I’m married, have a grown child and live an hr away from my mom. This friend has never been married, no children and lives 10 mts from her mom.

How would you respond to this?

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It's easy for your friend to say what she wouldn't do when she hasn't been presented with the need for her mother to be cared for consistently and continually. I would just say to her "Yes, I love my mother enough to make sure she has the BEST care even if it's not with me. It would be pretty selfish to do otherwise."

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Just tell her "we'll see..."

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My wife (of 60 years now) was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in late 2013 after experiencing declining memory since 2001. Our son-in-law had encouraged us to get long term care insurance. It has turned out to be good advice. We have qualified my wife for coverage. It provides enough to give us three hours of caregiver care from an agency (ComfortKeepers) three afternoons each week, likely for the rest of her life. Her condition keeps deteriorating but her basic needs are met as well as some of mine. I manage medications.

She still plays hymns, having been church pianist for over thirty five years. She relinquished her driver’s license when we moved near our daughter’s family in 2014.

Buck up. With help this can be managed. My feeling about that changes from time to time but realistically we are doing well.

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Hmmm,
Well one thing I wouldn't do is abandon this friendship. Friendships are ever- changing. Sometimes people say stupid, insensitive things especially people who are very comfortable with each other. It's ok to look at things from a different angle. You still get to do what works for you.

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A true friend supports, sustains, and listens without judgment.

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Sometimes a true friend says "you must be off your rocker".

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No one to worry about and she says SHE would not do what you are doing?
Don't bother with her!

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I was convinced of the same before I was put in the position, although I never would have imposed my naive beliefs on someone else. Once I was in the position, I realized I had to ensure every meal was prepared and eaten. Every pill had to be administered on time. Every healthcare aide would need to be vetted and trained. There would be many of them. Every 3:00am disturbance would need to be addressed, just in case it was a medical emergency. Someone would need to be in attendance 24/7. Any falls would require immediate attention. Until reliable and knowledgeable aides were secured, this meant there would be no time available for career, relationships, or one’s own personal needs. Personal health quickly becomes a factor. Most importantly, a senior’s health emergency could only be addressed once 911 was called and had arrived. I cared for my mom a number of months before I understood I was not capable of the task. I was not interested in inheriting my mother’s assets. My priority was in her personal safety and welfare. It is easy to have lofty ambitions when you’re not in the trenches fighting the battle. It’s always easiest to judge that which you don’t understand firsthand.

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Thank you. I continue to believe I can handle this despite being cook, janitor, comforter, friend, partner, and most any other task provider that can be mentioned politely or not. Lately I’ve engaged a trainer to help me get back in shape (again) while the caregiver is here. Today it was mostly rowing and bench presses. At 82 I’m hanging with it. My wife is the same age.

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I was that person. 57, never married, no kids, the youngest of three sisters, and my mother, with whom I'm very close, lived with me. She's my best friend. I always said - and meant it! - that I would never put her in a nursing home. We even joked, morbidly, that I was going to keep her around even after death. She's 92 and her health has been declining for the past couple of years, but up until last year, she was still driving, shopping by herself, and gardening. With the exception of a decline in her short-term memory, I had no worries about her ability to take care of herself on a daily basis.

Seven months ago, I found her on the floor, mid-seizure. Overnight, she went from a vibrant, intellectual woman to a scared, angry child who threatened suicide if I didn't bring her home and wondering why I hated her so much to do this to her. God bless my coworkers and my job for indulging my complete despair and tears because I just didn't know what in the hell I was going to do. It took a case manager at the hospital telling me that she would need 24 hour care and that for me to be able to do it, I was going to have to call in every favor I've ever made to everyone I know. The thing is, we live in this city by ourselves. My sisters are two hours away. Mom's many grandkids are scattered around the state. There was nobody to help or pick up the slack. So, I had no choice but to put her in a nursing home. I thought of every option I could and nothing was viable. But, I promise you, if I could, I would bring her back home today. I miss seeing her every day, desperately. I can't imagine how I made it through Christmas without losing my mind

I don't judge what other people do. If you can make it work, keep them at home. If you can't, find the best home you can and hire an attorney to get you started on the Medicaid process. Not everyone has the same kind of parental relationships as the next person. I don't know if I would've done this for my dad. He and I did not get along at all.

Crystal, your friend most likely CAN'T imagine life without her mother right there, as she's always been. She speaks from a place of love when she says she would never put her mom in a nursing home because that's not her reality yet. When, or if, the time comes, she may very well have no choice whatsoever. What she'll need then is compassion and a sympathetic ear from a friend who's walked that path.

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Thank you for this wonderful, WONDERFUL response!!

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You respond by saying "because I love my mom, I want her to be safe and as healthy as can be. This is how I am doing just that."

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First of all. Everyone has their option and it’s ok. I agree with her. But then again , no in e e er truly knows what they would do. But in their hearts and mines they feel this is what they believe they would do. Just bc u have family doesn’t mean you’ll can’t work help momma. The world is a bad place everyone is not good. It’s a few in a million who cares. What makes u think if u don’t want to deal with ur own family others certainly don’t . They’re just getting paid. U don’t know what some ppl say to them out of anger for example ur family don’t want u that’s y ur here. They could be abusive. It’s a money thing a business. I heard some ppl say that and it happened to some ppl I know they get missed treated some not all. If ur rich maybe u get treated better. I don’t know. I hated when my mom moved to another state. I told her keep ur house stay in ur home never go to a nursing home. No one was there for her when she passed. We begged her to stay with one of her children or near so we all could take turns grands all to check on her. My mom was feisty and hot headed. No one ever ever wants to be in an unfamiliar place. Everyone wants to be where they had fond memories and ppl they love dearly. Just bc u get old shouldn’t mean u get tossed aside. Our parents took care of us. We should do the same. What u do to ur parents ur kids will do to u. I’m saying this as a whole to everyone. Love matters, ppl matter and one day when ur in those shoes than u would see clearly when it’s to late. Some ppl see ahead others it’s too too late. Pray and God Bless and do ur best.

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Same story, different day Candyapple. More guilt inducing and shaming people about 'tossing aside' their parents if they dare to think about placing them in AL.

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I had a "friend" that said this several times in front of me, knowing my situation. I am an only child, both parents had strokes within 2 weeks of each other, mom had cancer, need f/t care then, after she passed, dad's Parkinson's progressed to dementia and needing fulltime care. He outlived all family, it's just me and my husband and we have a teen daughter who needs us. Dad had no funds to get 24/7 home care, only option was SNF. She judged me because I had to do that and made deragatory comments. She is no longer my friend. There were other issues but this was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. People that haven't been in your shoes with caregiving have no room to talk or judge, and do not understand how hard it is. One day she will. But I decided a real friend wouldn't purposefully say hurtful things like that to me, so I let the friendship go. It was the right decision for me, she was always negative and not having that in my life when I am going thru such a hard time with my dad has been the best thing for me.

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And….she has no idea what she’s in for…

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This is a brilliant answer! I certainly wasn’t prepared for what I would be going through. Most people aren’t.

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I guess your friend’s I response might be one of the reasons you aren’t super close with this friend anymore. Clearly she lacks the ability to understand everyone’s situation is different. You can’t judge or quantify love. Your decision is the best decision for you. She’s looking for a big, fat, pat on the back that’s she’s somehow more caring than other people.

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Sometimes I have said "Good for you".

Actually mostly I do now.. because they just haven't lived it.

But one time, with a particularly judgemental response, very similar to your friend, using 'loves her Mom SO much' blah blah, I choose to make a point. I picked that apart in 20 straight fire questions. One scenario after another.. By the end the lady had her head on the table, distraught, telling me "There was no other option left! My G*d I would have to put Mom in a home afterall!"

Then I apologized.. it was a silly thing for me to do I suppose - to prove my point. She apologized for being judgemental.

We agreed that you can LOVE someone but also NEED to move them into a care home. That home care is not always possible. Or can work for a time but has a stopping point. She then understood.

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Shame on your friend for trying to make you feel less than😞. The Universe has some life lessons for her I’m sure!
I applaud you for doing “what you felt was best” in the position you were in. We assess the situation of our loved ones, we assess our physical and mental status and then we Act.

Why is putting your loved ones in a AL/NH etc…taboo? As sons,daughters, husbands,wives,neice’s,nephews ,
mil/fil, and even parents or grandparents possibly ( of children with disabilities) our duties as such is to give them the care needed, whether we can or can not do it ourselves.
We just assure the care is adequate! Ofcourse no one will love and pamper them as lovingly as we will, but we do our best to assure the care is adequate.
Best wishes💕

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Crystals9369: Don't dwell on the comments of your friend. Focus on the needs of your sweet mother as you are continuing to do.

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JeffreyPrince: Thank you.

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Tell her that every situation and persons involved are different.

What works for one family does not work for others.

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Excellent response. I've seen enough AL facilities to know moving my dear mother to AL is not in the cards for me. For others it may be different and there is no judgement on my part. My mother raised me and my two siblings and now it's my turn to return the favor. I cherish my dear mother and I'll do whatever I can to let her age at home. Do wish I had a little more help from my siblings but we all have different paths. Best wishes and you just do the best you can.

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Easy to preach when you have NO idea what you are talking about. Mute her and do what your heart tells you.

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you don't have to respond at all to her but if so gently explain to her that everyone has a different story to their life and because you DO love your mother so much and know you aren't in the immediate area to care for her the safest and most caring thing YOU can do would to be to ensure your mom's safety and that might necessitate AL. If she is a true friend she won't question you but support you during a stressful time, a time of making very hard decisions, and you can also say that to her in a loving and caring way too.

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If you do not want to lose your mom fast then you will not put your mom in a nursing home. No matter what. The hospitals, nursing homes and assisted living will want to take her away from you. Do not let them. I had my mom with me till the end. With my grandmom it was a different story. They did not want to release her back to me. That is how they work in this country and those people that work in those places are not what they appear. Do not let appearances deceive you. When the big bill comes in then they will put a lien on your mom's possessions. It is a disgusting system. Get help at home. Do not trust them.

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Extremely paranoid & UNHELPFUL comment, similar to what the OPs 'friend' said to her, in fact. SMH. Not to mention, OP is looking into AL which is not a 'nursing home' under any circumstances. My folks lived in AL for 7 years and had the best of care & circumstances there. Shame on YOU for such a foul comment Robert, which I've seen you leave numerous times on AgingCare.

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Do not let your friend sway you with guilt for something she’s clearly naive about.

Ignore her, or say we are trying to do what we feel best and search situation is different and then let the subject drop.

And when it happens in her family, bite your tongue so you don’t say I told you so.

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@Donttestme

I think I'd indulge in a bit of 'I told you so' when it happens in her family.

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Yup..some friends have told me that also..after their parent gets dementia I will see how well that goes for them. I choose to ignore the statements…they have no idea what our parent is like..

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@Sadinroanokeva

I say the same thing. My mother has knows full well for many years not that if dementia shows up to the party and I am in charge of her care, she will be placed.
If my sibling wants to step up and take over her care, then more power to her. I'm not doing it though.

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I would tell her that it isn’t your first choice either but sometimes circumstances dictate that we have to make difficult decisions and that you hope she never has to make that same decision for her own mom.

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That is a great answer! I wish I had thought of it before a unthinking acquaintance lectured me on how I owed it to my mother to care for her, regardless of the fact she did little to nothing for me and my family.

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ignorance is bliss.

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Nobody ever gets what caretaking is about until they have done more of it than they ever wanted to do. It is one of those things that one must experience. The innocent will be innocent.

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Awww, so sorry for that discontent! I myself ended up giving up my work life for my Mom, to take care of her at home but it was a huge decision that needed my husband's full support and everything to be aligned. My kid was independent. And my Mom herself just would not have flourished. It was a blessed gift, but not all get that or need that. If she had the funds to go to AL earlier, when she could adjust, that would have been better, as she was very social and wanted that. Point is, every situation is different, and there are as many scenarios as there are people. If you do move her to an AL, move her close to you. Why not try to make her life even better by being able to visit often? Seeing her grandchild etc. Research well, find a good place, move all her favorite things in, help her adjust, and keep tabs on the place. You may actually improve her quality of life. Your friend may be jealous, too. Something to keep in mind. Just don't judge her, don't judge yourself, but truly try to do the best for your Mom and you won't regret it. Gpod luck and God bless!!

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She has to learn her own lessons and will learn the meaning of the sentence, "Never say never."

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Your friend is VERY WISE!!! Please listen to her. If you knew of all the abuse and neglect in these homes then you would NEVER put your mom in a home either.

There are far better alternatives. If and/or when your mother does need additional care please look into home care. Where she can have people come right to her home. She need not loose everything she has just to move into a tiny room. Why do you think people die so soon after moving into these places?

If your mom needs help financially there are programs for that as well. We have one called IRIS that is wonderful.

Please listen to your friend. She is telling you from her heart what she knows is best.

God Bless her for trying to help you understand!

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What will you do if you need a staff to look after you one day? It isn’t always possible for family members to care for their loved ones.

I cared for my mom in my home but I wouldn’t dream of telling others that they are making the wrong decision to place them.

It was extremely hard to be a full time caregiver. I most likely would not do it again.

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Many people cannot 'see' (do not have the awareness) to put themselves in another's place. They only see from their own personal feelings, experience, religious (or not) values, etc. This IS your friend. She is unaware.

While it may be difficult, realize her limitations and take her 'ramblings' with a grain of salt - or better yet, dismiss them immediately. She doesn't have YOUR (nor your mom's) best interest at heart. She is limited and thus very ... unsupportive - and appears to want to vent / encourage YOU to feel GUILT (as if she was in your situation, she'd feel guilt making decisions as you are / considering ... so she cannot HELP but dump her guilt on to you).

This isn't a friend.

How would I respond?

This is very personal. She won't 'get it so why waste my time (or yours).
* I likely would stop communicating with her or have very limited interactions and very occasionally (if you want to maintain the relationship).
* You might want to say "this is how you 'feel / think' for your situation; it is not my situation with my mom. We all do what we feel is in the best interest of our loved one ... although you may NOT understand this. And, I accept that you do not understand how I feel, even though it hurts.

I would encourage you:
1. to get new friends (who support you in your situation);
1a. People / friends who DO NOT judge you/your decisions. (She cannot as she isn't developed enough to be able to do this.)
2. stop listening to this person. She will only continually trigger your (vulnerable) buttons at this time - this is painful and difficult for you as it is; you don't need another layer of pain which this person will continue to exude. She doesn't have the psychological / mental capacity to reach beyond her own little world. Feel compassion for her and stop associating with her.

Gena / Touch Matters

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I agree w/everyone else! Only thing is, if you never confront her about her insensitivity (even gently) you will have a piece of yourself in constant unrest.
You need to stand up for yourself, even if you don't do it vehemently like we are doing for you on this site! You need to - we are here for you. Hugs!

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* This writer doesn't owe this 'friend' anything; certainly no explanation or reasons why she is making the decisions she is making / considering making.
* Confronting sets up an argument of "I'm right" and most importantly "YOU ARE WRONG" when it is about personal values and decision-making. This dialogue won't help either of them.
* When dealing with someone who can't see / feel beyond their own little world, all the talking in the world won't help / matter. It will only cause more upset.

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Response to a friend who claims she would never put her mom in a “home.” Any advice?

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