I was talking with a friend I use to be super close with about my mom's sudden decline and need to find an AL. She responded with how she would never put her mom in an Al and take care of her. She went on about how much she loves her mom etc… I was taken aback by this. She knows I’m extremely close with my own mother and adore her. I’m married, have a grown child and live an hr away from my mom. This friend has never been married, no children and lives 10 mts from her mom.
How would you respond to this?
"Shut the f--- up" also works.
She was firmly on the side of "no nursing game, ever."
I was on the "facility care, as soon as possible" end of things.
We talked. The differences in our mothers' circumstances were stark and defined what was best.
Her mom had no funds. Lived in a wonderful rent subsidized high rise apartment in view of the Atlantic Ocean. With a balcony. Completely handicapped accessible.
My mom had substantial assets. Including an isolated suburban home on 3 levels.
Her mother was able to get 24/7 live-in aides through Medicaid. A doctor who came to the apartment. Eventually, Hospice services.
My mom went first to a nice IL, then after a stroke and broken hip, a NH . Where she lived pretty contentedly for 4.5 years.
My mom died at 94. Her mom died at nearly 102.
Neither one of us would have done this any differently.
Circumstances can dictate what is "best" and what one chooses.
Here's the thing about the overwhelming guilt people have about placing an elderly LO in managed care. More often than not it's a crutch that enables the caregiver to be a martyr. Believe me when I tell you, living as a martyr to caregiving will ruin your life and the lives of everyone you love. I'm speaking from experience here.
Get a job and move out. Then there's two choices for your mother.
Live-in homecare or a managed care facility.
Then there's unlimited choices for you. Guilt is not more powerful than self-preservation. Don't make the mistake so many people do and talk yourself into believing that it is. It's not.
Therapy can help you get through those feeling of guilt and doubt. It really can. I speak from experience with that too.
Good luck my friend and please seriously think about taking YOUR life back.
Never say never.