Hello community. I believe you guys are mostly in the USA so I apologise if the time of night is bad. I’m just going to spit it out, I can’t have my Dad live with me anymore. I am 33 married with a child, currently 8.5 months pregnant with our second child. Our house is large and Dad moved in 3 years ago. This maybe be a low number of years but the 24-7 of it all is driving me insane. He’s 86 and a wonderful man, no doubt there, but the constant idiosyncrasies, his weird habits, the noises, lack of social graves and just blatant absence of manners is driving me mad. My marriage is strong but tensions are rising all the time and with two young children I see myself having some kind of breakdown. I can’t do it. He can self fund accommodation but he doesn’t want to leave our house. Everything’s done for him here. Why would he want to? My husband is a patient kind hearted man, but sex drive, romance and any spontaniaty have left the building. We are still a young-ish family and want our space. Please don’t condemn me for this post I have no siblings to help and my mother passed away 15 years ago. Any advice or even just someone say that they know what I’m talking about?!? Arrgghhhhhh thank you and lots of love. P.S, I don’t hatemy Dad I just can’t live with him anymore !!!!
Where do you live? We have posters from the UK and Australia here.
You are in charge of your own home (Dad lives in YOUR home, yes?)
You are allowed to say "Dad, I'm really sorry, but you are going to need to move somewhere else; we love you, but this isn't working".
It will be hard.
But you CAN and SHOULD do it. You need your own home back.
Tell us more.
No matter how you phrase it, it's going to be awkward, but, you need your own home space. So, you have that right. There isn't anything horrible or selfish about that. He should realize it, but, if not, just explain that with the new baby coming, it'll be very hectic and loud around your house and he needs a more peaceful place...or anything that you think might ease him into the move.
Two options you could consider. The first is a story about how the doctor insists that you have more rest, and says that the care your father is expecting is a risk for you and the baby. If you speak clearly to the doctor about your feeling that this is leading to a breakdown, the doctor is likely to say exactly that!
The second option is that your patient kind-hearted husband puts his foot down, says he needs his own house to himself, and where would your father like to go? A period of tension between your husband and your father may be the result, but it will be easier for him than for you as the daughter, and everything is likely to settle down after a change has been made.
You are quite right in saying that your father has no personal incentive to leave, so he is going to need to be told. Let your letter to us be the point at which that became completely clear for you!
Husband can make it a man thing and have way less fall out then a father daughter thing.
Great advise.
I totally understand where you're coming from. We moved my invalid mother-in-law into our house when I was in my early 40s and homeschooling my four children. I could only hold out for 7 months and it wasn't even MY mother. Nor was she even a good mother to her own kids. We just felt it was the right thing to do. It caused me a great deal of stress. I had to have "the talk" with my husband AND her and tell them I was losing my ability to handle all the stress of everything. To this day, I regret not just putting her in a nursing home first thing. But we didn't know how bad off she really was.
Please, for the sake of your own sanity and your family's well-being, find a way to get him into an assisted living situation.
You have too much to cope with - a young child and another on the way is in itself challenging.
There are great suggestions below. Discuss "the talk" with your lovely husband. Consult your dr for support in this decision. See a marriage counselor. and/ or a pastor if you need more support. Do some research into places suitable for your dads abilities, finances etc. so that you have some ideas for him. Assure him you are not abandoning him but making arrangements that will be better for all. Try to get this done before the new baby arrives, for, at that point, you need all your energy for your kids and hub and yourself. Good luck.
Hugs and prayers. 💙
Your dad needs to move to an RC or AL. He may find himself happier with the socialization he will get. Your relationship with him will improve too when you can enjoy just visiting with him and not being his caretaker.
Sometimes, when elderly parents are having a hard time, they forget that others have needs too.
Maybe look into independent or assisted living. While he probably doesn't want to be away from home, you need to do whats best. Take him on a tour of a place.
Hope it works out
No one is going to judge you for reaching the conclusion you have. Everyone has to navigate this through their own waters.
Peace to you.
P.s.
Op, you are STILL a good kid.
Both you and husband should sit down with Dad. (Have someone watch the baby)Tell him that with having a new baby you won't have the time to care for him. That you just can't take care of two children and him to. Maybe have a few places set up for a tour. Make him realize this is not a choice. He needs to pick a place. Maybe your husband can tell him privately that Dad taking up his daughters time is effecting his time with you. A man to man talk, sort of.
Don't feel guilty. You deserve a life with ur young family. Your energy and time should be going to your children.
It really is true. She will have 3 kids to take care of then. The elderly become our children. Role reversal.
Having said that, I do hear a lot of anxiety in your post. It sounds as if somebody in your life is trying to inflict a lot of guilt and self-doubt on you, and you may be buying into it. Is your dad trying to make you feel as if you'd be a "terrible daughter" if you didn't let him live with you and care for him til the end of his days, regardless of the cost to you, your family, your mental or physical health?
If so, please remember what they tell you when flying with small children in an airplane: in the event of an emergency, if the cabin loses pressure and the oxygen masks drop down, put the oxygen mask on yourself first - THEN put one on your child. You have to take care of yourself FIRST, or you can't take care of anyone else.
In your situation, something has got to go - or you will. You will become unable to take care of your husband and children if you allow your dad to suck the life and energy out of you and your marriage. You need your husband, and your children need both of their parents. You cannot be the rock and the anchor for everybody, or everything will collapse.
Taking care of you means taking your life back. Other arrangements can be made for your Dad. Hmm. Why am I thinking of the play "Little Shop of Horrors?" Where the little plant grows into this all-consuming monster that says "feed me"? Don't let your dad be the monster that destroys your family. And don't feel guilty about doing what's right for yourself, your husband and your precious children. God bless and strengthen you.
I struggle to put up with my Dad for an hour and my MIL for a few days. You must be a saint living with him I reckon!
Fair play to your husband too. I'd have left if my MIL moved in with us!
New baby is good excuse I reckon. Don't expect he'll agree with you. Never underestimate how selfish old people can be - I never thought I'd see it with my Dad but he doesnt give a monkeys.
As someone else said, got to look after yourself and your family first.
Its just a thought.
I like it!
No one is going to hate you on this site. We can all relate and empathize with you. My mom lives with me and it is hard! Do what you have to do. Make your decision, whatever that is and be at peace with it.
If he can afford to move into an assisted living facility then he should. I'm sure he'll be hurt or annoyed but hopefully in time he will understand. He'll most likely adjust because he won't have a choice.
You have a family. Being pregnant is stressful! Having a new baby is joyful but stressful too. I get the concern about becoming overloaded. It can happen. Take care of yourself. I'm glad that you have a good hubby. I do too. Make your plans and let the rest fall into place. Let us know how things are going.
In a way you answered it yourself, because you DO need your space. How did it happen that he moved in, in the first place?
I have lived with my elder parents and I don't know how we do it. It's immensely frustrating but I am here for them as they are for me. So there is tolerance. I am single with no children beyond my canine daughter. But the kitchen habits (eating ice cream out of the container, cross contamination, not washing glasses, just rinsing and putting them in the drain...and making messes which I am the one cleaning up) can wear a person down. So can their noise which wakes me when I might be able to finally get some sleep...
You've got I would think, to make some boundaries if he continues to stay, even if a real wall is added. So hard. On the bright side...maybe he will be of help with childcare??
He may end up loving the interaction of people his age.
Just be kind to yourself and don’t feel like you have to at the expense of you🌹💗. It’s okay. Prayers and love to you. It’s not easy.
Look into assisted living (if he can still manage his own bowels and bladder, and feed himself) or nursing home (if he cannot manage his own bowels and bladder). You really need to live your own life especially with kids. Children will become a burden to you once they get older. Hopefully you have POA and estate planning done. If he is on Medicaid nursing home placement is easy. If not you will need to see an eldercare attorney--they have that five-year lookback law.
I live with my 89-year-old mom -- I love her more than anything but with end-stage Alzheimer's she is very very very hard work. I have frequent nightmares that she is going to die--I dream she is alive and well and turns into a skeleton in front of me. I sometimes take a nap and wake up screaming because I dreamed she died. Let's put it this way--if she dies I will not be able to function. She depends on me as much as I do her. That is what long-term caregiving does to a person. My life has become her constant attendant with every single need ranging from eating, toileting, bathing, etc. She is going to die and it could destroy me.
because I struggled with the guilt of “dumping” my Dad into a NH (and had made a promise never to do so), the best solution we came up with was adding an “apt” (en suite) to our house which we set up like an apt minus a stove or oven. We also insisted he hire someone to come in 2-4 times a month to clean, take him on errands etc. Othwise, he’d have to move out. He agreed and since its completion, I can breathe again!! I’m not jumping in to do it all for him and I have my part of the house back!! I own my part in the chaos - overtired, stressed, short tempered - even though Dad unintentionally made it rough. If your LO can afford to do this, it might be the answer to a difficult problem? Even during the days I would vent and cry, my husband and son would remind me that someday i will look back and miss hearing him come up the stairs. Good luck and congrats on the new baby!!