My mom's DMV letter came today, all hell is going to break loose...
Some of you may know my mom is out of town right now. She is currently at my sister's house and will be meeting up with my brother tomorrow who will take her to her cabin in PA where she plans to spend the summer. (I have serious doubts she will be able to stay all summer as my brother doesn't want all the extra hassle, but that's a post for a different day).
The doctor who did my mom's neuro-psych evaluation sent a letter to the DMV in Florida requesting a medical advisory review concerning her ability to drive safely. The letter came today so I picked it up. My mom had intended to have her mail forwarded to her cottage as she has done in previous years but apparently hadn't gotten around to it. No shock there and I was hoping to intercept this letter as I feel if she got it she would have thrown it away.
The letter has a fairly extensive medical questionnaire that she is required to give to her "personal physician" to be completed and returned within 45 days or her license is revoked.
After that the medical board reviews and issues their decision. In looking at the questionnaire I pretty much know my mom will not pass.
My mom is going to be so livid. I'm sure first thing will be hating me for "opening her mail", then she'll blame the doctor who did the neuro-psych eval. Then anyone else in her orbit. This driving thing is a HUGE, HUGE deal to her.
Do I try and take this form to the doctors myself, and not tell her? She's not here to do it herself. Plus I'm afraid if I send it to her she will find some clueless doctor in PA, showboat like hell and then ask that person to fill it out, denying that there is anything of importance in her Florida records.
I'm at a loss. She needs to stop driving, but she won't accept it and I guarantee I will feel her wrath directly. We got into it before she left because she refused to let me put a life alert system in place, even after I offered to pay. The charade of independence is STRONG, even though her deficits are obvious and real.
How do others deal with this?
I personally took the completed
forms back to DMV, and Less then 8 days later sister received letter stating her license has been suspended.
Fortunately for us my sister just accepted it.... Actually I think she was somewhat relieved.
I do not think your moms Dr will fill final paperwork out without your mom having an appt.,
good luck
The best thing is to get the car off the property where she can't see it.
Now accidentally throwing keys behind refrigerator is another story
A police Officer in my town knew his Mom was not capable of driving. But state law says a Dementia person has to have an accident and it has to show that the Dementia was the cause. Really! So they kill someone in the meantime and that's OK. The States need laws to protect the rest of us. A car is a weapon used in the wrong hands.
Doctors need to step up to the plate and report that a patient should not be driving. As soon as a diagnosis is made of any Dementia, the license needs to be taken away. There were signs way before the diagnosis.
My advice is this. Leave the letter in with all the other mail to be given to mother. She will likely throw it away. The beautiful thing is that 45 days will pass. License will be revoked, another letter will appear. By then, she will have no license. You can then have a family intervention and agreement that nobody assists her to "reclaim" the license. You can try to reason with her that she cannot insure vehicles if she has no valid license. By this point, you need to have a family plan on who is going to take her to medical appointments, grocery shopping, church, etc.
Best to you...
This is a very tricky and hard area to navigate.
Some customers told the senior the doctor/insurance agent advises you should not drive for a while
or the State is clamping down and said you can't drive for xx amount of months.
Mom your driving is scaring me that you may get hurt. I love you and want you safe. If you need to go somewhere I'll be happy to take you. ( or others who are available ) Just let us know when you want to go somewhere.
This is so hard. For some its the most sacred feeling of independence. Good luck in however you approach it.
Even if the license were to be revoked or not renewed, your mother can still try and drive. Remove keys where she can't find them and incapacitate the car if you plan on keeping the car.
I'm very sorry for your loss. That never should have been allowed to happen.
Yes, the charade of independence is intense. My father feels life is not worth living without full independence. The lose of driving privileges led to their moving in with me and I have been the subject of his anger. It doesn't matter, it had to be done. They were not only risking their own lives, but the lives of everyone else on the road.
I really felt bad reporting them (and they don't know I did, though my father suspects), but I felt it was my responsibility.
When he lashes out at me about living with me and I tell him, "This isn't about me, this is just what getting old is. I'm sorry you have lost your driving privileges and your world has gotten smaller. It's not my fault, it's just life."
I hope the driver’s family took away her keys after that.......
She also thought that as long as she held on to her physical license she was safe to drive--she didn't understand that when you get pulled over they look up the license number in a database to see if it's valid.
I also like your idea of having a schedule. I plan to do the same. I will not be "on call" 24/7 but I will set aside two days a week to take her wherever she needs to go.
BTW how is your dad doing with your brother? Are their living arrangements working out okay?
Taking public transportation was out of the question due to her poor eyesight. She was too vulnerable. I had to do everything for her when she was out - like pay with her credit card, use cash, look for an item etc. So it was me who had to do everything for her except use the bathroom.
Be prepared to take on her life! She will hand it to you on a silver platter. I’ve been doing this for over 7 yrs now. Oddly enough, I had a dream last night that my father (who passed 8 yrs ago) came in to take my mother to a new apartment. In my dream they were both in their 30’s or 40’s. I woke up so very relieved that someone else was taking over my burden. I felt finally that my overwhelming responsibility of caring for my mother was finally over. It was like walking in air for me this morning! I forgot how knee-deep into being responsible for someone else’s life was all about. Like having kids again. Anyway, I’m back to reality for now. Have a POW-WOW with your siblings and get things sorted out to make life easier for you all.
The form is mailed out about 6 prior to the driver’s birthday and has to be completed by the family doctor.
Dad passed his this year at age 90, but he is not driving much at all anymore.
Additionally a family doctor can fill in the forms to have a license pulled if they feel the person is no longer safe to drive. It takes a fair bit of the burden off the family.
Of course it does not help with the anger of the parent. Nor does it stop them from driving without a license. But here the police can impound the car if the driver does not have a license.
She is out of town....
You have no knowledge of this letter....(wink wink)
Her license will be revoked before she knows it has been revoked.
She can then "try" to get another letter and another doctor visit upon her return. But until she obtains the signed form she will not be able to drive.
The question is does she have access to a vehicle in PA where she is? If she tries to rent a car they will find out that her license has been revoked.
One of the ways I got my Husband to sort of accept the no driving..I told him with the new the medication he was on the doctor said he could not drive while he was taking it. He still asked and he did take the car once, I had hidden the keys but obviously not well enough. I got a carabiner clip and attached the keys to my belt loop!
My grandfather, when he was over 80, moved into AL. He still had his car, and a valid driver's license, and he drove. He almost aways had a little fender bender. But, my father (his son, obviously), knew that if my father tried to get the license taken away that my grandfather would be devastated.
So, my father tried to do as much as he could for his father s that no driving was needed. And, as soon as my grandfather needed to renew his license, my father went to the DMV with my grandfather's medical records and photos of all the DINGS in the car, and asked them to make my grandfather take a driving test (not just an eye test) and let my grandfather take the test but FLUNK him. Because my grandfather should not have been driving.
Yes, it was a small town.....but not really. 100,000 people.
My father took my grandfather to the DMV, and he flunked on is own, without any dishonesty needed from the DMV.
It is possible to get the DMV to help.
Even if you are the POA, that doesn't mean that you HAVE to deal with her mail, it just means that you have the legal authority to deal with her mail.
As far as your mother being able to get someone in PA to step in: I doubt that any reputable physician in PA who does not normally treat your mother is going to agree to fill out that form at all, never mind fill it out in a way that would pass Florida driving issues. That's a huge liability for that PA physician. And, I'm not sure that the Florida DMV would even honor a form filled out by a PA physician. You could call and ask the Florida DMV about that.
Lastly, right now, at Florida DMV, it is recorded that your mother has been deemed not authorized to drive by a physician. And, not just any physician, but one who did a neuro-psych evaluation. That means that wherever she drives, if she gets into an accident, insurance will not cover it and someone could sue your mother civilly and, if they win, get a judgment taking way all her assets that are not legally protected from a judgment. And, obviously, we all know that it's a crime, however low level, to drive without a valid license.
As long as she is in PA, she won't drive, right? As long as you don't try to expedite things, which could go against what you want, this may play itself out within the 45 days and when your mother gets mad at you then you can blame it all on the medical and legal professions!
Please, don't feel guilty about this. I really think there should be stricter laws concerning the elderly and driving. Also, that doctors must be the reporter and not expect family to handle it.
I thought FLA was a state that tested their elderly periodically for driving?