My mom refuses to engage in any conversation about her future. What should I do?

My mother is 88 and sounds very similar to your mom. In fact, she’s never been a strong self advocate, even before her stroke.

Post stroke, she has dementia. She is currently living at her home with 24/7 caregiving. But, in about a year, I will need to sell her house and move her into a facility in order to pay for her care. Anytime I ask about what she wants to do next, she tells me she doesn’t want to think about it.

So, I’ve been visiting several memory care facilities and I’m going to pick the one I like best. When it comes time for my mom to move, I believe that it might not be easy, but I think it will be the the best I can do. Hopefully, she will adjust and be happy there and I plan to take her to visit the facility as well. But, I’m not fooling myself into thinking she’s going to freely choose to move into memory care. Why? Because she’s never really made big decisions for herself.

Good luck! I hope you find something that works.

Make sure all of your mother's paperwork is in order. She needs to set up power of attorney for medical and financial decisions, she needs a living will with her medical directives and a will if she has assets. It's important that you do this while she is still capable of signing legal papers. You will probably need an attorney to help with all of this, and the attorney may also be able to ask about her wishes if she becomes incapacitated and unable to care for herself. It would be good to speak with your sister, as one of you would probably be the POA. Your mother can also assign a secondary POA. She may accept it from the attorney, if not from you. The POA also needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to be able to speak on her behalf. Also, most financial institutions have their own POA forms. Hopefully your mother will get all of this in order soon. Her dementia is likely to get worse, and her choice will be to have caregivers come to her home to care for her, or to go to an assisted living/memory care facility. Her financial situation will determine if she can afford to hire caregivers to come to her. An advantage of assisted living is that there are many people around and they organize activities. Try to find one near the POA's home if she does this, so that the POA can oversee her care and visit often. You need to set your own boundaries for how long she stays in your home. All the best, and a big hug to all of you!

Welcome to the forum! 

Where you wrote in your initial post, "When I try to push mom further on what she wants and whether she can cope, she just says "I can’t think about that at the moment. I’m in too much pain." Her pain seems a lot better since the operation, which was about a month ago. Ideally for my and my family’s sake I’d like to get her back home in August (as long as she keeps progressing well mobility wise)"

For whatever it's worth, I do understand your mom's claim, "I can't think about that at the moment..." and I will explain. Two plus years ago after major surgery, even though I was wholly focused on recovery, getting back to work, adapting to the changes that resulted, it still took much time to process what I was going through, to feel "ok" again, to live with and progress while in pain. Honestly, it was a big struggle for a long time but I progressed and the surgery worked. So...I know this is NOT about me but I can totally relate to the idea that healing and moving on and being back on track again can take time. I am almost 63, so I am younger than your mom; perhaps, she experiences even more challenges than I.

As far as her moving home -- and I am sorry if you have already mentioned this or addressed this in other posts with re: -- how about her considering a paid caretaker coming in her home to assist with ADLs and maybe also looking into the possibility of attending an adult day facility? It could help immensely. You and your sibs are ok to ask for help. Myself and my sibs have had assistance with our mom while still being there to assist and manage her affairs (she lives in memory care, a couple of her "kids" have POA for financial and medical and it is working out). She has the money to pay for the care, which she designated ahead of time before dementia took over.

Have you considered just taking her home? If she won't make a decision, the default action is to take her home. It most likely would not be long before she gives in and agrees to AL near you. Then, in a few years, if you do move, just look for another place near you where you move. But, no matter what, take the power away from alcoholic sister.

There won't be a consensus about what to do, so majority vote will be it. Sister has been getting free room and board from mom for years (in addition to financial help). So of course Sister doesn't want anything to change (other than Mom buying the two of them another house).

Presumably 3 of the 5 of you will agree that Mom needs AL. Sister can't take care of Mother any longer because of her alcoholism. If any of the 3 brothers don't want AL, then Mom goes to live with THEM. It's just that simple.

You have gone above and beyond. Unless one of your brothers wants to provide the kind of care that you have been providing, there is no other choice.

It’s interesting to read so many people who think that ‘mother won’t agree’ and there’s nothing they can do to change her mind.

To point out the bleeding obvious, OP is always mother’s best option – in so many situations. The only way to change it is to make mother uncomfortable. Not waited on hand and foot, not ‘you come when I call’, not company and sympathy on demand, not all meals exactly what I want (and can still complain about), not toleration of incessant complaints.

Even two days of ‘neglect’ can change the dynamics radically. Mother won’t die if she is ignored for that time. No food, no diaper changes, no company – or whatever combination you find acceptable. This can be life changing, but not life threatening.

It can make AL (or even better behavior) suddenly seem a lot better than ‘no agreement’. Nothing else is going to work!

Thanks for all the help and comments. It’s such a tough time and it’s really useful to get other peoples insights - it makes me feel more normal and less of a horrible person for having all the swirling feelings and indecision going on. Sometimes I want to cry or scream or both. I want to look after mom but I don’t want to give up all of my life to do it - it makes me feel sick thinking about it and I’m so fed up only thinking about this all the time. It seems all consuming at the minute. Husband has also had enough of me talking about it and I don’t blame him I’m boring myself with it all.

I feel mean but I’m no longer taking mom in the car with me to collect the kids and when I take them to their activities. I realised that this is the place my beautiful teens talk to me most and with mom up front it was stopping that. It works better for me and the kids but mom is still sometimes pleading with me to take her but when I get home again she’s ok. I still take her if there’s something interesting to watch though or if the kids have their friends in the car.

To clarify the timeline - Mom was with us for 3.5 months before her hip operation (we’re 5 weeks post op now) basically because I had a knee jerk reaction to my sister not coping and drinking. I felt like I had little option but to get mom out of the situation with the excuse of the hip op. I thought the op would happen much quicker but covid had an impact on the waiting time. So here we are 5 months later. Mom’s physio says she’s recovering really well, that her range of motion and balance are really good. She’s now on one stick to walk. I think she still is in pain but she’s not getting that really worn out drawn look at the end of the day which makes me think it’s better than before. Mom does have arthritis elsewhere so all of the pain won’t be gone. The difficulty with the level of pain is that mom seems unable to really remember what it was like before the op. The op was done using sedation and an epidural rather than general anaesthetic so not as bad for cognitive.

I've had the first Zoom call with the sibs. It was cut short as one brother had to leave for his dance lesson even though we’d reorganised the date around him. How do you work with that! Anyway it was quite predictable really. Sis went on about the only solution to keep mom out of care was to sell her house and buy a place where she wants to live for them both saying something like ‘I won’t allow you all to put mom in a nursing home’ - problem it’ll be a disaster with drink as she’s unable to cope with moms growing needs. Eldest brother wants to give mom a chance to live back in her own home with additional help in place - first checking moms finances for what is affordable, putting in walk-in shower, rails, Wi-Fi, whatever she needs - problem with this is that it’s so far away from any of us except my sister who is having problems coping and is drinking daily. My middle brother is the one that had to leave early and just agreed with eldest brother. Youngest brother felt finding a care home near him and middle brother would be good as they could share the visits and organising etc. Eldest brother and sister against this. Middle brother didn’t comment and he’s been distancing himself from everything so not even sure if he’s visit. All of us agreed that mom shouldn’t move to a new home anywhere that isn’t part of care home or AL. I’m the youngest. Part of me feels like mom should be helped to stay in her own home as long as possible but I’d feel better about that if mom was pushing ti go back - she isn’t and as some of you have said she comfortable here so why would she want to go back. Part of me thinks Care would be better as then we’re all sure she’s looked after and it would be nearer to more of us for visits. Mom will never agree to care though. I’ve told everyone that we need to sort this out by end of August. Next family meeting next week. Youngest brother coming soon to allow us a few days away

Comfortablynumb: This dynamic must be amended now.

I wish I had a good answer for you. We were never able to convince my mom to start making decisions (and take action on those decisions) about her future and she totally refused until the bitter end. Her edited answer was that “no one is the boss of her” .

You may never be able to get your mom to make any decisions. Because my mom refused we had TERRIBLE issues to overcome.

So because you can’t get her to make any decisions about her future you need to start preparing. I would start looking at care facilities in your area as it sounds like you are the most reliable and probably will be doing most of the work. Start looking now. If you wait until she’s totally incapacitated it will be too late.

Start looking at the finances to see what she has and what she will be able to afford. Will she pay out of pocket? Does she have a home to sell? Etc, etc.

Next consideration is your states Medicade program. Will she qualify? What are your states spend down requirements? If she qualifies for Medicade they have a program for In Home Supportive Services. Separate application required. The state will pay for assistance such as laundry, light housekeeping, meal prep etc. You can select the provider from a list and interview them. Family members can also be a provider (if required) if they apply separately, background check etc. Perhaps this could help keep her in her own home a little longer.

Start keeping ALL receipts, bank statements, any financial paperwork. Keep ALL pages of all statements even if they are blank. If the statements say for example page 1 of 4, you’ll need all 4 pages. You’ll need all this for Medicade.

Get out the trust and review it thoroughly for any quirky clauses that will prevent you from executing the POA. There was one in my moms that my lawyer had never even seen.

Also check with your local Area on Aging council for some respite care options so you and your family can go out for a break.

Does your mom have funds you can use so you can hire some help at your home.

Sorry to go on for so long and I hope the response does not seem disjointed. This was a huge problem for us and it was a long difficult journey because of her indecision.

I provide my suggestions because of our experiences in this journey. I’m not trying to make extra work. Perhaps others have had better luck in this area.


Good luck.

Mom’s just discovered you and your family provide maid, chef and chauffeur services and entertainment and companionship. Why would she want to talk about a change where she gives that up?

Perhaps a joint Zoom meeting with an Elder Law Attorney can help both of you, while having a straight talk with the patient. Sounds like the Assisted Living option could alleviate anyone's need to become caretakers. Perhaps you and your husband could take her on a few field trips to visit highly rated Assisted Living facilities that have plenty of activities to keep patients engaged.

A Place for Mom will assist you for free as will the AgingCare.com on this website.

Dear Comfortablynumb,

First and foremost, alcoholic sister should NOT be POA of your mother's medical or financial situation. While she's living with you, get her to a qualified elder law attorney and get all her documents and financial affairs in order. This is a must.

All the advice here is spot on but no one mentioned the effects of anesthesia on an 85-year old's brain. My 90-year old MIL had surgery for a broken ankle and the effects of anesthesia had a serious effect on her "mild cognitive impairment ". Let's just say it wasn't "mild" anymore. It really ramped it up. Plus cognitive impairment doesn't stay the same or get better. It will get worse.

I would strongly advise not to sell your Mom's house and buy another for her and alcoholic sister to live together. That would be a disaster. Mom needs to be somewhere safe for her impending increasing needs (and they WILL increase). Your sister can't take care if herself, much less an elderly person. Period.

If needed,have this "family meeting" without the sister and you all decide on Mom's future care and be on the same page BEFORE letting sister know in a 2nd family meeting call -- because you KNOW she will buck you at every decision.

At this point your Mom is taking the position of avoidance because she is comfortable where she is! Of course, she's going to come up with every excuse in the book, but you need to stay strong. She is not rationally thinking right now and that, too, will get worse over time. Please come back and keep us posted.

Sorry, hold on, the timeline has confused me - why did your mother move in with you five months before her surgery was scheduled?

What jumps out at me is that mother went to stay (not live) with the OP to recover from a hip operation, and six months later has recovered.

It's somewhat overdue but the first step is to set a deadline for her returning home. Like, four and a half months ago; only since that's long gone it should be - say - three weeks from now.

This allows time for:
- setting up local support ready for her return home, ideally including someone to visit the home and make sure all the utilities are in working order and that there's milk and bread in the fridge
- sourcing ongoing in-home support if there are identified needs (identified by mother, that is), such as with shopping, domestic chores, laundry, medications ordering and delivery, transport to appointments, etc. etc. etc.
- laundering and packing her clothes so that she gets off to a good start
- arranging transport, + time off work/childcare if either OP or her DH is thinking of taking mother home
and
- mother to say what alternative she'd prefer.

She doesn't want to talk about it? It sounds more as if she doesn't want to hear that she can't stay with you forever, which would be a very good reason for closing down the discussion. The pain is probably real. Pain always gets worse with mental stress.

So what you need to communicate to her is that it is time for her to move on. Whatever is best for her next she can decide, only she can't decide that she's moving in permanently to somebody else's house (i.e. yours).

There's nothing hard or cruel about this. She doesn't want and you can't allow her to become entirely dependent on you, as though by default. Stop the rot now.

I don't know what the answer is, but can only give you my experience of exactly the same scenario. We moved my mum nearer to us over 10 years ago because of her declining health. The plan was to temporarily live with my sister and brother in law as my sister had Alzheimers and there were always carers at the house. She was capable of much much more than she made out as she was happy to just sit in her chair and be waited on. I found her a lovely assisted living flat but she wouldn't go and see it and didn't want to talk about it. The upshot of it is, she ended up living there for 5 years until my sister died, with me helping out with their care and working full time and being a single mum. It was inevitable that she would end up at my house and she is still here over 5 years later. It's completely ruined my life. She was the most negative, depressing person and her behaviour affected me badly. I lost my relationship, had to give up work and got very depressed. I had to have words with her about her behaviour and it is much better. She realised she wasn't going to get the attention she craved as a victim so gave up!. I am desperate to be free and have my life back but she is now 96 and will go on till she's 100. I tried respite in a care home but it didn't work out so I couldn't let her stay there. I am so very unhappy and would advise anybody against letting their relative live with them unless you are ready to give up your life for them. Good luck with your decision.

Can I suggest you do not allow problem drinker sister to continue having POA and having any say in mom's care. I have a raging alcoholic sister and she only makes everything worse. Sounds like it's time for AL close to you.

Does your mom take any kind of a mood stabilizer? If not, you might consider talking to her doctor about one. It sounds like she may be suffering with a bit of depression. It could help her be able to better cope with talking about her future and participating in decisions about it.

A month after surgery on both hips is a short time for expectations of normalcy. It takes weeks for the medications to work out of the system, as well as the pain. But it usually does improve over another month or so. I hope she is having the appropriate physical therapy coming to your house. It's a hard time for you, having to be there for her more than for yourself, hope you have happy moments regularly, because as your mom gets better, she'll likely also be crankier which is often the sign she's improving (annoying but true). Big hugs to you.

From mom's perspective, I totally get it that she doesn't want to have the conversation. She is currently living with family: the coming and going, the noise of others in the house, people showing concern for her. She lived 8 hrs away from you - so doubtful she had regular visits from you and yours. She may be in pain from a surgery, but getting joy with your family. Plain and simple, the conversation you want to have would possibly put her back into a lonely existence and she clearly told you that.

Going back to her house, realistically, is very short term option. The older people who stop in are already limited in helping her. The sister who is close by has drinking problem. Mom really needs to be close to people who are going to visit with her regularly (whether in a family home or a facility). She still has enough of a good mind to know she wants to be with family - family should take advantage of the time. Way too many posts, right here on this site, where families have already lost their parent to vanishing memory.

Any way to sell mom's house and use the money to pay for care in your home? Or a very nearby assisted living. Or maybe even look for someone in the area who do room/board for elderly in their home. I would suggest figuring out how much money she has access to plus money she could make from sale of house - maybe that would give you some financial insight as to in-home care, facility care, community care. - Please try to keep her close with regular visits. Being lonely, in my opinion, is too sad for the last years in someone's life.

It seems we can drop the siblings OUT of the equation now, as tho they never existed. That makes it easier in terms of simplifying your situation.
You have already taken Mom into your home, which complicates the situation badly. It would have been better to care for Mom in her own environment so that it could be assessed, so that you could have given your departure date.
Did your Mom have rehab because she would have benefited a great deal from a full month?
What does your Mom's doc say about the pain level after surgery?
Are you the POA?
If not, that is step one, as it will soon be too late to do that.
Now is not the time to be soft, but rather the time to embrace the situation. The conversation starts here, you and hubby and anyone else involved.
It goes something like this.
"Mom, you have (here insert the hip surgery and the cognitive diagnosis.). We understand you wish not to speak about this. But here we all are and this is the situation and we HAVE TO SPEAK about it. We need to assess all your papers now and make certain everything's in order and that we know where things are. Then we have to assure you have a POA (me) to act for you when/if you cannot act for yourself. Then we need to find a safe place for you to live the remainder of your years, nearby to us so we can visit. We may need to discuss (list things such as assets, selling a home, etc.) for your living expenses. Staying here is not an option and you will no longer be safe alone miles from me".
Now if that works and discussion is still prohibited you are left with guardianship considerations. That would mean you need good diagnostic workups to prove Mom cannot make her own decisions anymore and you are the one to help her make them.
If all of that doesn't work you are left with transporting Mom home, telling her she or Auntie should call 911 for problems, and addressing ALL OF THE ABOVE with a social worker when inevitably she is hospitalized.
There honestly aren't a lot of other choices. However, because you already brought Mom into your home she has be led to believe she has FOUND the other choice. Which is living with you.
I am afraid you are going to have to be quite honest, quite tough in disabusing her of that notion, since--as you describe it to us--for you that isn't an option.
I wish you the best.
Not all of this will be handled in one day. But one thing at a time, it will be handled.

I m not sure if I missed that all legal papers are takin care of.. if not make an appointment with an attorney, get it done. If you think she won’t go , white lie to get her there.

start taking tours of AL , be sure they have a step up to memory care and will eventually take Medicaid.

as others have said she knows she is lonely , she knows she should not be alone…hopefully you can do this with her cooperation,.. my mom was not cooperative, my moms family blames me for my mom’s unhappiness…

Hello and welcome.

Let's start with saying that your sister is an alcoholic and is useless to help with mom's caregiving needs or decisions that have to be made for her.
Your mother refuses to discuss any long-term plans because her long-term plan is to live at your house with your family. By refusing any discussion on that not happening means the situation will stay as it is.
My mother pulls the same thing. The 'I can't think about that right now' and 'I'm in too much pain' because she will not discuss the reality that is going to be happening with her situation. I just told her straight. I'm back together with my ex-husband and we are buying a place. She will not be moving with us. This has caused her to double-down on her verbal abuse, passive/aggressive behavior towards me, and her "performances" to get attention. I have told my former (soon to be current) husband that I want it in writing that we will not have elderly family members (on either my side or his) who need caregiving living with us. He has seen the hell on earth my life has been these last few years living with and caregiving for my mother, and he agrees.
So if my mother will allow no arrangements for her care and needs to be met after I move out, then I let the chips fall where they may. I'm walking away. Let my sibling take the reigns of caregiving that have been around my neck like a noose for years.
You're in a bit more of a pickle than I am because your mother is with you. Offer her a plan. Find a senior community near you and tell her that you will help her sell her house and move her into a senior apartment. Also, that you will hire some companion care to take her out and help her run errands and keep her place up.
Let this be what you offer. Don't let her back out of the conversation because she starts working herself up into hysterics and semantics. Don't back out of the 'talk' because she turns on the tears and the poor, lonely, pathetic senior act.
I don't mean to come off as harsh, but I've been an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years. I've seen all the acts, semantics, tactics, and performances a senior will give to get their way or keep things as they are. Don't back down. Include your husband in the discussion too.
If your mother refuses what you offer, then name a date and by that date pack her up and being her back to her house. Then hope for the best because it will be out of your hands.

Hi there, welcome to the forum. It is so helpful to gain input from others in similar situations. I wanted to give some encouragement to you. My 85+ year old Mom was initially not reluctant to go to an AL facility. But while some of us (5 siblings all local to Mom's house) felt guilty for not taking her in to our homes when Daddy passed a year ago, it has worked out to be the best situation for Mom. Her care needs escalated due to progressive dementia and incontinence, then COVID set her back and she never regained much of her mobility. She's only able to stand long enough to move from wheelchair to toilet or reclining chair. So in less than a year it became evident that none of us were equipped to meet her care needs.

She loves people and was horribly lonely at home even with in-home care which was exhorbitantly expensive, hence the move to AL. We tried one facility for a few months and weren't happy with their care. Then we found her current one which has been such a blessing. The staff there are overworked and underpaid but they LOVE helping the residents. They are so caring and kind to Mom, probably in part mirroring Mom's caring and kind nature. Mom can't remember names but she can tell when people care.

Just expect the transition to be very challenging for Mom. She will be confused and insecure for months but after some time (expect 3-6 months based on our experience) she will adapt. Such a move would be easier on her sooner rather than later, especially as her dementia progresses.

You have been very giving of your time and resources by taking care of her all these months. It is difficult to make such decisions but you are only one person and shouldn't take on more than you can handle. Your siblings seem to be successfully enforcing their boundaries. Don't feel guilty enforcing yours. Your husband and children need you, and for them there is no substitute.

May God bless you during this transition and decision making process.

I don't think this should fall back on your sister whose location makes her the scape goat/care giver. Mom is lonely and probably afraid to be alone after the hip replacement...add in the cognitive decline and "just going back into her own home" is probably not a good option. Mom needs to go to assisted living where she can make friends and have opportunities to be social. Assisted Living also puts a set of eyes on her so that as she declines further, there are folks there to notice and make suggestions accordingly. Is AL financially possible?

Obviously, your mom fears being lonely again if she returns to her home. Do you have a Durable Power of Attorney? Has she designated you as her "authorized representative" for Medicare, Social Security, and Medicaid if she is covered. Have you and your siblings discussed the possibility of liquidating her assets and transferring her to an assisted living facility or senior apartment housing? There, she would have companionship with her relative peer group and you could coordinate visitation by your siblings. The combination may help aleviate her loneliness and fear of her of cognitive decline. It will also separate her from your sister, who has problems she must handle on her own.

Dependency is addictive. Your mother is enjoying it and doesn't want to quit it by using "pain" as an excuse and playing the guilt trip on you.

No, no. Mom is an adult. Tell her it is time to find another place for her. Frankly, your drinking sister seems overwhelmed, and your Mom shouldn't be drinking if she is fragile and has poor balance. I say this as a person who enjoys drinking. Tell her, she will be upset, of course, she is scared. But hinting, etc., just increases her anxiety without making her face the situation. Get your sibs in order and tell them you are not continuing the arrangement. Everyone has to come up with or agree to a different one. Practically, arranging some living situation near a family member seems like the most reasonable plan. Look into it. You don't mention finances; they will determine much of the planning. If they are poor, contact your local area that deals with the aged. The alternative, and I doubt it is the case, is to have the full times staff in your very large home take over more duties.

No, no. Mom is an adult. Tell her it is time to find another place for her. Frankly, your drinking sister seems overwhelmed, and your Mom shouldn't be drinking if she is fragile and has poor balance. I say this as a person who enjoys drinking. Tell her, she will be upset, of course, she is scared. But hinting, etc., just increases her anxiety without making her face the situation. Get your sibs in order and tell them you are not continuing the arrangement. Everyone has to come up with or agree to a different one. Practically, arranging some living situation near a family member seems like the most reasonable plan. Look into it. You don't mention finances; they will determine much of the planning. If they are poor, contact your local area that deals with the aged. The alternative, and I doubt it is the case, is to have the full time staff in your very large home, take over more duties.

Would mom be a good candidate for Assisted Living, with a Memory Care wing?
Mom would be in a more active environment and would be able to get help when she needed it or wanted it. IF she needs Memory Care in the future she would not have to move.

Next time she goes to the doctor or has an appointment for PT she should be asked to fill out a POLST (might be called by another name in other locations) Essentially it is a document that details her wishes as to what she wants family members to authorize medical personnel to do if she can not speak for herself in an emergency. (EVERYONE should have one filled out). Tell her that it is part of her medical record. (I was asked to complete a shortened version when I went in for my physical this year)
Doing this should get "The Talk" started.

If she still refuses to talk about it there is not much you can do.
You can start making plans and if she sees what you have written down she may say.."Well that's not what I want" then you have an in to delve deeper as to what she would want.

My Husband REFUSED to discuss things even before his diagnosis of dementia. I would joke and say when I die just cremate me and scatter my ashes in the garden, or I would say put me in a bag on garbage day.. I learned from his sister that he had always said he wanted to be buried next to his mom. I was able to do that!

By the way.....
As long as you are trying to get your mom to talk about her future do you and your husband have things lined up if something should happen to either one of you? Opening this discussion with each other, with your kids might make it easier for your mom.

It sounds like you have a good handle on the situation and now you need a plan for moving it to resolution. It will be a busy summer but you can begin by tackling several pieces at the same time. You seem to be the best qualified and understandably the most motivated of your sibs to find a solution. I'd suggest talking with mom and guiding her through the possible options. She's already said that she is lonely at her home and you recognize that she has cognitive loss that will in all likelihood progress. So when she says she will just go back to her home with sis, tell her upfront why you have reservations about that option. I'm really wondering if mom wants out of dealing with alcoholic daughter emotionally and financially. I would not give that sib any legal authority as she is currently unable to make good decisions for herself and would not make good ones with your mom's best interests in mind. She may volunteer to care for mom in some living arrangement but alcoholics are always keeping their interests number one no matter what great story you are hearing. A cognitively vulnerable mom would be at high risk for financial disaster. You help sis and mom most by taking away that option. Scope out potential AL near you. We are military too so I understand the uncertainty but make decisions based on your current location. Maybe do a quick tour of facilities first and take mom back to those you think she'd like. Ask for a lunch at end of your tour with a few welcoming ladies at your table. Your mom may recognize that these strangers were just friends she hadn't met yet. Recognize that you are normal for feeling guilty about having mom move out but you need to encourage her to live her own life with friends her age and in a safe environment. Just like with your teens, you stunt their lives if you don't allow for their growth. Teens don't like moving in to unknown territory either but despite their complaints you've no doubt seem good things come from that. Expect Mama to be every bit as unsure but that doesn't mean it isn't what is best. Best of wishes you you!