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So, I help take care of my grandmother who has MS and has had it for the last 27 years. I am not the primary caregiver, that would be my grandfather. I have lived with my grandparents all my life. I do have a relationship with my mother and they have 4 more children who are all grown adults. I’m 24 for reference.


Since I was a child I’ve always helped to care for my granny, making her food helping her wash herself, making her bed & helping with meds etc. My grandfather isn’t the most caring or compassionate person and being that I adore my granny, I never felt any other way but happy to be helping her.


I’ve come into an opportunity to move out to a very affordable home with my partner who has also lived with us here for the last 5 years.


I'm scared and nervous to leave my granny alone even though my grandfather will be there. I just know he won’t be as attentive to her, he’s very lax now because he knows that myself and my partner are here and can look after and care for my granny whenever she needs.


I know I need to take a step in my life and do this, but I’m really struggling, my aunts and mother don’t do much for her. They’ll come to visit every so often, maybe bring her a coffee up, but that’s it. I'm afraid that me leaving her will take away from what happiness she has left. She is still mobile, but never really leaves the house, so she’s home 24/7.


I just have no idea what to do. The thought of leaving is literally tearing me up.

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I would move on with your life, which you have a right to HAVE. Your grandparents have had their lives. This is the normal progression.
Try to lend what support you are able. If it isn't enough your grandparents must consider placement or whatever else may work for them.
To sacrifice your own life on the alter of the problems of family members is, to me, not a good thing.
Try to change out your G-words. You aren't God. You say you are guilty? Are you a felon or evil doer? They almost never feel guilt for anything. Use rather the word GRIEF. This is worth grief and sadness. You are a human being with limitations. You need to have your own life. And it is a sad thing to see those we love suffer. Grief would be right and normal for anyone loving them. But you aren't a good fairy with a wand to FIX IT for every sad situation in life.
I am sorry for your Grandmom. But many folks go through these things without a lick of caring family anywhere because there IS no family.
Please begin on your own life. Your Aunts and Mom will or will not pick up the slack. As long as you enable their not stepping up why would they do so?
Again, I am sorry. But you have this ONE CHANCE at life. Don't let it pass you by.
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Time for you to start living your life in your own home with your partner. Your grandparents have lived their entire life as they have wished, you need to do the same.

No reason to feel guilty, this is a normal process that an adult should take in life, expand your wings and fly!
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You can help the both of you by sitting down with grandpa and your parents and brainstorm ideas of other types of care solutions. Can she afford a companion aid? My 2 elderly aunts shared a companion aid from an agency and they adored her. Had her for 6 years. This type of aid can drive her places to do errands, help with her hygiene (as long as GM is not a fall risk), do light housekeeping, play cards, shoot the breeze, watch tv together, etc. Maybe someone that is close to her age (so not someone really young who will be on their phone all the time - grrr!) Or, GP or parents take her to the senior center or adult day care once or more a week, to church, local bingo, etc. Someone will need to coordinate drivers, so maybe neighbors or church friends? Time to get creative, but also time to move on with your life. You've done a fantastic job, so pat yourself on the back and hand off the baton...
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TouchMatters Jul 2022
The people that need to brain storm is her mother (the grandmother's daughter?) and aunts. This young 24 year old has done more than what could be expected from any young person. Yes, hand over the baton.
(4)
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You sound very caring and compassionate. You must love your grandma very much. I’m sure she loves you too. She would want you to get on with your life. If she could, she would tell you just that.

She may not have a lot of time left and she wouldn’t want nor expect you to take care of her. I bet she appreciates all you’ve done, but it’s time for you now.
you are not leaving her in the street. The rest of the family can step up. If they don’t, it’s them who have let her down…not you. You did all you could. The rest of the family has been relying on you. Let them know you will be going your own way soon. Get them ready to take over, because you have done all you could. Maybe grandpa won’t be so lax when he sees your gone.

Take care of your own life now.
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Can you find out what elderly agencies are in your area? There is probably a local elder services, council on aging, or something like that. Explain the situation and that you are leaving. You need to get on with your life. You will be sad, but in the long run, it's for the best. Good luck!
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You are a caring, compassionate individual. However, as you said, it is time to graduate and be more independent.

I would sit down with your Grandmother and Grandfather, separately if need to be, and find out their ideas as to how to care from them, now that your availability will change.

Be prepared for all emotions as it is a big change for all of you.

One option would be to find Assisted Living for them which would include a meal plan, medication management, laundry, etc. If they don't want to go that route, how about a caregiver for part of the day to check in on them, Meals on Wheels to provide meals and maybe a senior program with a Handicapped van to take them on errands.

Will you be able to physically check in on them or be able to handle emergency calls? Your availability will make a difference on the options available.

Think of yourself as being a manager. You need to delegate tasks, and check back in to ensure they are completed and being done to your satisfaction.

It is normal to be scared of what will happen to Granny. I am quite sure that Granny will not have the same level of care without you. Some parts might be better and some parts could be horribly worse. However, you will never know until you try.

No matter what, it will be a lot of work to get things set up and to define and manage expectations of care.

Good luck. You can do this....
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Don't forget, you are only as far away as a phone or tablet. Get one set up for Gran and video chat daily. Keep her in the loop with all the wonderful things going on in your life. Seeing your smiling face and knowing you are thriving is the best thing you can do for her. That's what we all want most of all, for our kids and grandchildren to have wonderful lives with loving partners.
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your parents should be helping and let you have a life
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where are her children
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You are 24. You have a life to live. Appreciate it and do not let these moments pass you by - only later in life do we realize the 'what could have been's.' Don't let this happen to you. Seize the moment.

Yes. You will feel conflicted emotionally. This is a difficult time and you are pulled in several directions at once. Allow yourself to feel - grieve - and know that moving with your partner is the right move for you.

Reflect on all you did for your grandmother over the years. It is a lot for a young person to take on. Your aunts and mother need to step up to the plate and be responsible. Tell them this is their responsibility, since they appear to not know this yet. Seemingly, they have depended on YOU to be there. Stand up for yourself. You don't want to look back 20, 30, 40 years from now asking 'what if.' Seize the moments of opportunity to enjoy your life. You've done more than most young people ever do in their life caring for a family member. Appreciate who you are. Love yourself enough to move forward in your life. Gena
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You have a 'right' to move on with your life. You know that, you've acknowledged it, even. What you are struggling with is leaving granny alone with grandpa who does little to nothing for her, and aunts & a mother who do nothing for her but bring her a coffee cup once in a while. Which boils down to NOTHING. That's what is bothering you; the thought of leaving is tearing you up b/c you love the woman and while you want and deserve your own life, you ALSO want granny to be loved and cared for TOO.

Regardless of 'all you've done for her over the years', you won't be doing for her anymore once you move out. THAT is the crux of the matter that's got you worried and torn up.

You can't fix this; you can't move out AND live with granny both at the same time.

So you move out and live in this nice affordable home with your partner AND you also make time for granny, since I assume you are not moving thousands of miles away. You set down a schedule of time you will go by the old house to see her, spend time with her, bring her food/cook food, chit chat, help her clean up, etc. Say 3 days a week for 2 hours a pop. That way, you kill two birds with one stone: you get autonomy living on your own AND you get to spend time with granny STILL, helping her and keeping an eye on her to know she's doing okay.

That's what I would do, if this were me in your shoes. Once some time goes by, you'll see how granny is doing w/o you there 24/7, and you can adjust your visiting schedule accordingly. You can also speak to the aunts and mother about visiting granny more often, and filling in when you're not there.

Wishing you the best of luck and kudos to you for being a wonderful granddaughter and human being!
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My advice is don't leave. This is not the time for you to leave. You will never forgive yourself if something happens to her that you might have prevented. I had two wonderful grandmothers that I took care of until they passed. I knew I would never leave California while they were alive. I am so glad I stood by that decision.
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Assisted Living near your new home? Perhaps it's time so that she is well cared for. You and gramps can visit, right? Please call Adult Protective Services for an evaluation, an Elder Law Attorney for advice and maybe placement suggestions from this site and a Place for Mom.
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K, can you get a home health aide set up for her to help daily? Don’t throw away life’s opportunities..now is your time. You don’t want to grow a resentment inside that will be within you forever. That’s what will happen if you sacrifice your life . Check on her & be an advocate if she has to be placed in facility. You are a great granddaughter to be proud of.
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WELL. I have M.S. and I can tell you for a Fact.. she would be totally heart broken, and LOST. without you. she is going thru alots. with M.S. Without my grandaughter.. .... I would give up totally. She, is my inspiration, my Joy. and my reason to keep on.. She takes me to drs. apts. to hospital. and E.R. she helps me with computer problems. and things around the house. Yes I have other children.,that I raised. But I also raised her. and took care of all or her problems. as a baby, a child, in school, her medicail problems , her wants , and her needs. I Have told her to go on with her life. But she knows I can not do anything much any more. for myself.. I have a 4ft service dog.. and will not go anywhere without him. so she knows i will care for him forever. yes , he has allerted me to go to hospital Just saying, She will give up on life.
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lealonnie1 Jul 2022
OMG. I'm glad you are not MY grandmother! And that I do not treat MY grandchildren like possessions who need to give up their lives caring for ME 24/7 because they OWE me. HIRE HELP if you need it, that's what you should do, and leave your granddaughter alone, the poor girl.
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Untill, you really know what she is going thru, and how she feels, You will never know her answer.
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kmdQ1999: Imho, you should move forward with your opportunity. Perhaps you could have a conversation with your mother as a plan for her to assume the responsibility of the care role since her father can't do it all/"is less attentive."
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@kmdQ1999, congratulations on finding a super opportunity to move into an affordable home with your sweetie! You must grab this opportunity.

As some others have noted, this, right now, is the right time for you to move into being an adult, with an adult partnership and adult life like most people strive for.

If your granny were in full health mentally and physically, she would urge you to grab this great opportunity with both hands. She would cheer you on!

———————

Don’t torture yourself worrying about your granny’s status and well-being. When you are no longer in the picture as 24 hour caregiver, another solution will be found by her husband or her five adult children. Right now they’re all happy that you are the 24 hour solution, and if they aren’t selfish jerks, they probably figure that you love being caretaker so they let you do it. When you no longer do all the caretaking, other solutions will suddenly become attractive.

Also, remind yourself: you are not responsible for granny’s happiness, but you are responsible for your own happiness. No-one on earth but you can navigate life and make the best decisions for yourself in tandem with your partner. Your partner deserves the best of you, not just the exhausted part of you not depleted by caretaking, and you deserve to work towards your own best life, not towards somebody else’s best life. Having your own home with your partner is the best possible start to a happy fulfilling life...from my lips to God’s ears.

Go for it!
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BeenThroughThis Jul 2022
And yes, I know you aren’t technically the master caregiver, grandpa is, but your letter leads me to believe you feel yourself to be the “emotional” primary caregiver. As previously stated, I believe your granny would want you to fully fledge by leaving home and building your own nest with your partner.

I send you fond good wishes for your future life.
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