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My sister and I go round and round. She's barely here and if Mom is not talking clearly when shes here she thinks she's dying. She's been to the hospital a couple times recently because of CO2 and more confusion than usual. (She's not on any meds for the confusion.) A neurologist just prescribed a patch...We are hoping it really helps. She might go to a rehab in the hospital for a couple days to get used to the cpap machine at night (find the right medication for that and some extra physical therapy). But she walks ok when she wants to. She walked into my bedroom the day she went to the hospital w/o anything, yelling for me. (She thought I was locked in.)


I guess my question is am I too close? Am I missing her descent? I know she's not as she was and small things are getting worse. But I see it as a normal gradual descent for dementia. My sister is joining the temple in case we need to bury her and talking to the local funeral home. Shes been freaked out every time this happens for like 3 years and always says Mom only has a couple months left.


The thing is I know I'm too close... How do I tell who's right, or is it somewhere in the middle?

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For some, there is an innate sense. Oftentimes the elder will predict their own demise, i. e. saying things like "it won't be long," et al. My late mother did,
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I guess I'm more like your sister, every time Mom had something happen. I would call everyone and tell them to come visit or see her, talk to her etc. My sister would tell her children that I was a worrier and exaggerator. The truth is our Mom was a fighter, she had a very strong will to live. Her doctors were amazed how well she was doing with everything she had going on with her. We had to take her to the ER a couple of times for having BP in the 200ies/100ies, yeah can you believe that she survived that? We would get her home and she would continue. She actually died on the day that she had her last doctor's appointment. Her last words were that she was tired. Now those same people that said that I exaggerated are filled with feelings of regret. Regret for not calling, not seeing her, not visiting her. Her favorite son came to visit her in October, I think that's what she was waiting for. She died 2 February, and tomorrow's her birthday. You'll know, and when the time really comes will probably the time your sister doesn't think it's "it". Good luck, love her, hug her as much and as often as you can.
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Your sister is a paniccer [sp?/new word?] & has/will always been - don't count on someone who panics at the least thing or just sees worst case scenerio to be any help in an emergency - at some time she will be right but that could be after 10 or 20+ times

You might be too objective but you are keeping track small changes so as long as you stay objective then you are on the right track - the fact the your mom knows you both & is living with you not her means she know about sis' drama queen tendancies so she probably finds you a calmer person

For everyone's sake take a little time over the next few weeks & write out in a little notebook all the worse case things that could happen with your basic plan to deal with it - just a page or so each & date it also put ph # of any dr etc that might be needed for that issue - next time anything comes up take out book then show it to sis that you have a plan & 'here's how we are going to handle it' - this would have been done when not in crisis mode so could help the whole family knowing you have taken a bit of effort to do this when you could & they will follow your lead BECAUSE YOU HAVE A PLAN

That said it never hurts to have done pre-arranged funeral arrangements so sis has already taken care of this for you - my sister is much the same & I find if I give her a specific job to do [preferably out of any crisis or confusion area] then she is less trouble - I once said she could find something bad about a rainbow - good luck
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Oh Also, an increase in confusion can be due to dehydration, lacking specific vitamins, UTI. In the elderly something as simple as these three things can make a HUGE difference. Make sure she is drinking plenty of good fluids, cut back on caffeine, sugars, crappy foods and increase memory health foods. You can easily google them. A doctor and blood test will tell you what her body is missing. Vit D, and Bs are important for brain health
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Decline seems worse to those who aren’t around all the time and you might be too close to notice the depth of it, but that’s ok. We live in a society that is quick to give up on our elderly and sick. As soon as my mother started getting worse people told me to put her in a home, send her to hospice, ect. ect. I personally plan on caring for her until she is no longer breathing, but that is just me. I have had to change my life entirely but you do the same thing when you have children. If you have the patience and will power to tend to her even in her decline, I say go for it 😃 more power to you. I would suggest that you get her on some basic meds ASAP bc at early stages they can really help slow decline. I’ve said before that they put my mother on a combination of aricept and namenda for her Alzheimer’s/dementia and it made a world of difference. She is in final stages now so it’s hard to see much of a difference anymore though. If you put her on meds, please read and look into everything she is prescribed and the doses. You have a say in what you are comfortable with her taking. You know her better than a stranger so if you think you notice negative effects after starting something....speak up 👍 Best of luck
Also, if you will be tending to her make sure get legal medical power of attorney and othe necessary documents. As she worsens someone will need to make decisions about her treatment and finances
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Take a step back and away if you can to re asses the big picture. Overall changes- probably mild and declining and progressing like you said and you def will notice and know big things. I am the full time caregiver for my mother. It was a shock to me to step away and ask some questions I hadn't thought of. Such as : she could carry on a conversation and communicate so I and many others had assumed no dementia, but seriously had no clue what year it is or how long she had been with me- no idea. Then little things began to slip and I started paying closer attention and saw more and more. Maybe it was because we were in such a pattern- routine- schedule- etc. or maybe its denial. That was a few years ago. Your sister is not as involved so she is seeing bits and pieces. You will know. Deep breath. You're doing your best. It is so hard!
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Oh gees. Another case of the uninvolved sibling swooping in, not having seen mom in who knows how long, feeling guilty, creating her own wake of hysteria/drama and you are left to get caught up in it. Welcome to the good daughters club and never forget you are not alone. Your sister joining the temple to have rabbi access for a funeral is almost laughable. She sounds like someone concerned about appearances. Just so you know, there are some decent rabbi's you can probably get the name of from a funeral home to preside at a funeral without being a temple member...they probably get paid...also check into seeing if your town has a Memorial Society which provides for more basic arrangements. As for you...keep on doing what you are and don't worry about if you're too close. If anything, it's that your sister is too far! /Not close enough. So the changes she sees are more dramatic in her own eyes. Your mom is lucky to have you...know that you're not alone and you will take comfort in knowing you did your best.
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My sweet husband was dying and I was to close to see be it. I could not imagine life without him. My daughter came over on night and said Mom. Call an ambulance. He died the next night. He described what he saw and peacfully left. I just did not see it. He never got sick for lengthly times. He Loved me but he loved The Lord more.
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You are right in your assessment. Your sister will always go off the depend thinking your Mom is on the way out. My children do the same. I just listen and smile inwardly and don't respond. If her assessment has been going on for 3 years and Mom is still around, you have your answer.
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Basket, even if you are missing "the signs" what does it matter? As long as you continue to care for her day 2 day needs, keep her seeing Dr's, dispense meds that's all you can do.

Predicting her death is nothing more then anxiety causing. Who really knows.

 Preparing for her death is the responsible thing to do. Let sissy have at it. It makes her feel good. Fine. But again, what would you do differently if you are missing the signs? Stress out?

We are all dying anyway, but only God knows the time and day. 

Relax and continue to do what you can do for her. That's all.

Keep up the good work! You're a special daughter!
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I believe someone mentioned this, but it bears repeating. Each person handles this journey differently, each in their own way. Outside of keeping the failing person as comfortable as possible under the circumstances, there really is no right way to handle things. Please don’t judge yourself, and try not to accept anyone else’s judgement. Even if you are “missing” small indications of further decline, remember that this journey is pretty much a one way street, even if the road winds a bit. The decline cannot really be repaired. You are doing the best you can for your mother and that is what matters. Wishing you peace and strength.
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Baskethill. What does it really matter. I too, was with my mom to much. Every quirky thing she did I thought it was just my mom. She’s been gone 2 months now, and I can’t believe how much I miss both my parents. I don’t want them back to care for them (no way), but just to talk and give them a hug. It’s playing out how it’s suppose to. Your role and your sisters are your own individual journey. Go with it. Your gonna look back and question everything anyway. Good luck to you. By the way, on my moms death certificate cause of death was senile dementia 5 yrs. Oh, did this hurt me. Because all in all that quirky little lady was my mom, everyday no matter what.
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Hi - this is my first time watching decline up close, and it really can be jarring! I think I’m more like you, I see it all as ‘normal’ and just keep an eye out for what Mom can and can’t do, and try to help her work around the various items, until there are too many for her to continue living alone. She’s 86 and losing physical and mental capacity quickly. Sadly, we don’t know how much loss of capability they’ll go through before they actually pass... I personally hope my mom gets to go before too much is taken away. In other words, *if only* loss of control would bring on end of life, but it sounds like it doesn’t work out that way for some people. Have you talked to your mom about Do Not Resucitate order and such; what matters to her and how she wants things to be done for her?

I agree, it sounds like you and your sister are a good complement.  Nothing wrong with getting arrangements set up.  A book recommended here, and I got a lot out of it, is Being Human by Atul Gawande.  It’s not about senior decline only, but enough so.  Good luck to you. 
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I think you do see the changes even when you’re with them unless you’re in denial, which only you would know that. I’m the only sister of 4 who sees my dad regularly because I live near him. I see the steady decline especially since he fell and had surgery on a broken femur last fall. Physically and cognitively he’s declined. I was with him the other day and I see even more decline since the week before. He is dying slowly as a person of 96 will do. I wonder if your sister is in denial of your mom's aging. Does she realistically think mom is going to stay the same each time? Some people just can not accept that death and aging happens. Why not have a frank conversation about it with her Maybe she can also talk with her Rabbi??
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the not knowing what to expect is very hard - plus everyone's(elderly) different

I think in some ways I've become a little detached - not in a mean way. but you just get numb.

since my moms in AL for 7 years ive seen so many old people pass away. its always sad tho don't get me wrong.

but im not full time caregiver :(

so if you think you under react - youre probably ok. I would hate (for myself) to always over react when it comes to my mom. sometimes I feel im ready for anything. :(

if my mom passed tomorrow I think im prepared for that, ill be sad of course. but at the same time, she been going downhill for awhile now.
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baskethill, I tended to be more like your sister with my own Mom. My Dad died when I was only four and I became extremely attached to my Mom. Some would say in an unhealthy way but I never saw it like that.

My siblings never participated much in my Mom's day to day life and when my Mom's health started to fail I only had my own perspective to guide me. I spent my whole life dreading my Mom's death and when she actually started getting old and feeble I think it would have helped to have another set of eyes to put it all into perspective for me.
You know how when you haven't seen someone for a long time and when you do you are shocked at how much they have changed. So in my case being so close to the situation I didn't recognize how much Mom had deteriorated until she had to be hospitalized. All my siblings looked at me as if I'd kept something from them but let's be honest, nothing was stopping them from being in her life except their own selfishness.

So, I think if you really want to know how your Mother is doing, you kind of have to remove the emotion and try and see her from another's perspective. Maybe, it's good your sister is like she is and you are like you are. You kind of balance each other out.
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I think its more like .. Well im in the day to day fight. I just have my head down and am doing what needs to be done. You take mild changes in stride and try to make things as liveable for both of you as possible. I dont have my sisters perspective of change or she mine. I know she over reacts ...but i probably under react sometimes. Shes a good foil for me ( however much she makes me apeshit crazy) . Shes just got me wondering if I cant see the forest for the trees being so close . Were both strong personalities but very different
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I don't know. I think you will really know when it gets close. people can really hang in longer than youd expect. or they can go when you least expect. is that what you mean?

some people level off and then stay the same for awhile. then get better, then a little worse.

are you afraid you are missing the signs?
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My Aunt was like your sister. Every time Dad's mother (my grandmother) would get sick, my aunt would go nuts, crying & sobbing that grandma was going to die. I remember when I was in high school and Grandma got really sick. My Aunt "just KNEW that Mom (my Grandma) was going to die that night". But she lived for another 20 years to the age of 94. My Dad just let his Sister vent her feelings because he knew that no matter what he said, she was going to sob and cry and be upset until their Mom got well and went home (again). Grandma died after she fell, broke her ribs and damaged her lungs. Dad's sister could see how severely their Mom had been injured and she knew that Grandma was going to die soon. This time my Aunt cried softly.

Have you talked with your Mom's doctors about her condition? What have they said about your Mom's possibility of dying within the next few months?
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