My sister and I go round and round. She's barely here and if Mom is not talking clearly when shes here she thinks she's dying. She's been to the hospital a couple times recently because of CO2 and more confusion than usual. (She's not on any meds for the confusion.) A neurologist just prescribed a patch...We are hoping it really helps. She might go to a rehab in the hospital for a couple days to get used to the cpap machine at night (find the right medication for that and some extra physical therapy). But she walks ok when she wants to. She walked into my bedroom the day she went to the hospital w/o anything, yelling for me. (She thought I was locked in.)
I guess my question is am I too close? Am I missing her descent? I know she's not as she was and small things are getting worse. But I see it as a normal gradual descent for dementia. My sister is joining the temple in case we need to bury her and talking to the local funeral home. Shes been freaked out every time this happens for like 3 years and always says Mom only has a couple months left.
The thing is I know I'm too close... How do I tell who's right, or is it somewhere in the middle?
My siblings never participated much in my Mom's day to day life and when my Mom's health started to fail I only had my own perspective to guide me. I spent my whole life dreading my Mom's death and when she actually started getting old and feeble I think it would have helped to have another set of eyes to put it all into perspective for me.
You know how when you haven't seen someone for a long time and when you do you are shocked at how much they have changed. So in my case being so close to the situation I didn't recognize how much Mom had deteriorated until she had to be hospitalized. All my siblings looked at me as if I'd kept something from them but let's be honest, nothing was stopping them from being in her life except their own selfishness.
So, I think if you really want to know how your Mother is doing, you kind of have to remove the emotion and try and see her from another's perspective. Maybe, it's good your sister is like she is and you are like you are. You kind of balance each other out.
Have you talked with your Mom's doctors about her condition? What have they said about your Mom's possibility of dying within the next few months?
Predicting her death is nothing more then anxiety causing. Who really knows.
Preparing for her death is the responsible thing to do. Let sissy have at it. It makes her feel good. Fine. But again, what would you do differently if you are missing the signs? Stress out?
We are all dying anyway, but only God knows the time and day.
Relax and continue to do what you can do for her. That's all.
Keep up the good work! You're a special daughter!
some people level off and then stay the same for awhile. then get better, then a little worse.
are you afraid you are missing the signs?
I think in some ways I've become a little detached - not in a mean way. but you just get numb.
since my moms in AL for 7 years ive seen so many old people pass away. its always sad tho don't get me wrong.
but im not full time caregiver :(
so if you think you under react - youre probably ok. I would hate (for myself) to always over react when it comes to my mom. sometimes I feel im ready for anything. :(
if my mom passed tomorrow I think im prepared for that, ill be sad of course. but at the same time, she been going downhill for awhile now.
I agree, it sounds like you and your sister are a good complement. Nothing wrong with getting arrangements set up. A book recommended here, and I got a lot out of it, is Being Human by Atul Gawande. It’s not about senior decline only, but enough so. Good luck to you.
See All Answers