My parents are soon to be 98-Dad a WW2 - Vet & Mom 96.
Live in Houston in the house I grew up in.
Dad has Alzheimer's, balance issues, can not see good nor will he wear his hearing aids & has hallucinations after waking. Can not button anything. Refuses to shave and wears dirty clothes. Dad can not tie SAS Shoes. Tries to do the laundry and dries dirty cloths and claims they are clean. Mom does not get out of the recliner much.
Mom has mobility issues, overweight, sits in a recliner most of the day screaming at my Dad to do chores and more......
Unfortunately, Mom still drives, drivers license is expired, can not hear well, has IBS, has an emergency alert to wear around her neck and will not arm it, has a cell phone she can barely use, needs eye surgery. Arthritis and more....Doorbell at house does not work, shrubs are over grown, no lights work on the outside of house, inside lights are burned out everywhere. Neighbor says he can hear my Mom yelling from his back yard. Bathroom Fixtures in showers are falling off.
Parents do not have Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare Directives, Wills, nor is any paperwork organized. I am not listed on any bank accounts.
VA & Hospital has encouraged her to make the above decisions.
Hospital will not let parents stay together when emergency room is necessary. This has happened twice in the past month.
The latest (we are in crisis situation) phone call to me in Florida started one afternoon at 3:00pm and went back and forth till 3:00am. This is an example of the latest.
Parents are not well. House is falling apart. Will not let anyone come to the house to repair anything because she does not trust. House has not been cleaned since, I do not know when.
VA will not talk to me because, I do not have my Dads SS#. Says I am listed as family member however, we can not talk about your father's case.
I know there is a home healthcare guy that goes by the house to take blood pressure and walks my dad around the house to check his balance once a week if my Mom does not cancel the appointment for the week.
Solutions: Do I anonymously call Adult Protective Services?
Last attempt - Do I go to Houston and take a local family friend to talk some logic into my mother?
This situations has been going on for a few years.
Scared to visit because of Covid and no-parents have not been tested.
I have no idea what the income situation is for parents. Suspect no money for assisted living for Mom and Alzheimer's care for Dad.
I may crack-up soon.
I am open to any suggestions or organizations I may call for suggestions.
I know, I am not the only one in this difficult situation. I read AgingCare Daily.
It's interesting that the health resource hasn't reported these things.
With no POA you can’t really do anything, nor are you legally obligated to. The state May have to appoint a guardian if your parents are deemed unable to care for themselves. You Might be asked to take this on but I would caution you to think long and hard about this.
Local Police precinct is another good idea.
Appreciate your thoughtfulness.
If the goal is to get them care and keep them protected and you have no legal authority to operate on their behalf and there's likely no hope this will happen then yes, you will need to call APS.
It sounds like your mom is somewhat functional (if she still drives) and maybe even cognitively. This may prevent APS from designating them as vulnerable adults and then the county moving to get guardianship of them. If I were in your situation I would make one last attempt to "reason" with your mom (based on the information you get from this post) so that she knows in no uncertain terms that SOMETHING will happen and it's her choice as to whether she and your father get a say or not. You can explain what will happen if "someone" reports their situation to APS, the looming prospect of guardianship and their family not being them stay in control (but not in their house). The only other choice for them is to make you/someone PoA (that is: if you want this task). Or, they must accept that the county may place them in separate facilities, on Medicaid. The probability that this moves their needle is slim but it may give you peace in your heart that you poked into every hole to find a way to help them to be part of the solution.
As you describe your father, he is probably a candidate for MC, not AL. Your mom's mobility issues means she might be a candidate for LTC.
As far as your mom driving...do you have a way to contact any of their friends or neighbors where they are to remove the car from their premises on some sort of pretense? Or tell whoever lives directly across from them to call 911 the next time they see your mom pull out of the driveway? Maybe call the police for suggestions. I wish you much wisdom as you ponder your next steps.
Do you have the bame and number of the health care agency? I would call them and encourage them to alert APS to this situation as well.
I will call APS.
Appreciate your response.
APS isn't going to intervene based on what you have posted here. Just a heads up, they will always error on the side of the seniors rights.
Maybe getting home delivery will stop the driving but, you can't take the car without filling that need.
I can not help parents if there is no paperwork organized. I am not a contact for anything!
I will make one last attempt and call VA/APS/Local Police Precinct.
But more to the point, I don't at all see what you're expecting them to do. Nor for that matter, what "logic" you're hoping the local family friend might be able to talk in to your mother.
What do your parents want to happen as they, er, approach their sunset years? And what is your version of the ideal? And if you marry the two sets of hopes and wishes together, what kind of compromise might work?
It's easier to make progress towards a goal when you have a clear (or at least rough) image of what it looks like, is what I mean.
MY goal was to try to honor my Mothers final wishes on health care and what her plans are for my Dad. I believe, my Dad has severe late stage Alzheimers based on the daily happenings. My dad is being verbally abused by my Mom. Me Too. I hung up on her today. I do not know anyone that deserves to be treated this way. Today's issue was what she should do with a $10,000 Penn Whole Life Policy. Mom calls and orders me to research the most ridiculous things and then does something completely differnect than discussed. My Dad is a Veteran. If my Mom would use the VA and take advantage of services entitled. VA pays for most everything for parents. My MOM refuses period! My parents do not need my Dads whole life policy. I suspect My parents have no money. If they would sell the house they live in they could live the rest of their life in a nice LTC/Alzheimer/VA facility. I can not reason with my Mom at his stage to do her Durable POA and write me instructions for her wishes, No Will. NOTHING is organized. Mom is over weight and has major mobility issues. I wish for instructions and direction on what the final wishes for both my parents. I would love to honor and carry out wishes. That is all!
It is beyond stressful going through the crisis phone calls most days.
The screaming and disrespect to me, is over the top.
Parents are in Houston and I am in FL.
Again, thanks
It's like this. You are all standing outside in the middle of a hurricane. And when I ask you what you want to do to find shelter for yourself and your parents, your response is the equivalent of "I want someone to make the wind stop blowing."
What I hope to do is prompt you to create some SMART goals (that's SMART as in Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-limited, i.e. with a deadline attached to them).
Here are two SMART goals that you can set up today:
1. Find the telephone number or web contact for APS in your parents' area, and tell APS that your father is at risk of neglect and abuse because your mother is unable to handle his needs. APS will need facts - e.g. dates, known issues - to work on, so have them ready in a list.
2. Ask your parents' neighbour to do the same - to put in a report to APS, and reassure him that he has your blessing to do this because he may otherwise be reluctant to "get your mother into trouble."
The VA won't talk to you because your parents' information is confidential and they do not have your parents' permission to share it with you. Your parents have decided not to create any Durable Powers of Attorney, or to list you as an authorised contact for HIPAA purposes, or to give you any access to anything you would need to support them.
It is important for you to recognise that this decision not to act was your father's just as much as it is now your mother's. It was open to him at any time during his later adult life to look ahead and plan for his own, and for your mother's if she agreed, old age. Do not blame your mother for everything that is now happening because it is unhelpful and unrealistic. She is an overweight arthritic 96 year old with mobility issues who is trying to communicate with a deaf 98 year old: of course she sits there yelling. How else?
Reading between the lines, it seems that your parents' goal is to remain living in their own home. There are ways to make that happen. They are typical in believing that if they accept help, and thereby acknowledge that they do need help, it will open the door to faceless state bureaucrats who want to steal their house, abduct them, and imprison them in a facility where they will be force-fed apple sauce and knock-out meds.
The truth is that if they accept support at home, they will greatly increase their chances of achieving what they want: to remain living at home.
You say that your goal is that they should sell their house and use the funds to buy long term care in a nice facility. There is nothing wrong with that idea, except that your parents don't agree with it. So drop it. It is their life and not yours. They may in due course be persuaded to change their minds, but if you persist in pushing an idea they currently reject they will not trust you to support them in what THEY want - so they exclude you completely.
You say there have been two ER visits in the last month: what happened, and what information were you given (and by whom) each time?
Your suggestions are all spot on.
I agree with Countrymouse, they want to stay home, are determined to do so at this point. This problem is self-limiting. One or both will die there, with no support of family in the area, and that is what they have decided they want. Another member on Forum did all she could for her Mom; her Mom refused to let her do anything, and eventually she did die at home. All that could be done was reassure the suffering daughter that she did all she can.
I would call APS, yes. I would open the case and tell them all that you told us. I would first try ONE LAST visit as soon as I had my covid vaccine (call your doc office today and tell him why you should be first, why you need it). I would tell them either you get to be guardian now, and would likely place them for their safety, or you will report them to APS and they may end in State guardianship, or die alone.
You really have no "fix it" on this decision. They are they age they are and have decided to die in their own home on their own terms.At 96 and 98 they will die soon whether in care or not in care.
I wish you the best. This must be impossible to negotiate from home. And in fact you CANNOT do so.
Not everything can be fixed.
I'm surprised that the person who checks on your dad every week hasn't called APS. Maybe it's not as bad as you think (?).
I wouldn't make a trip to talk sense into your parents. It will just add to the drama and frustrate you.
They can try to convince your folks to get a daily male nurse for your dad which can eventually befriend your mom and play a few rounds of poker and soon he will be helping with laundry .
Thats how I had to start with my folks. The repair person became the companion housekeeper caregiver.
Small adjustments to their foods and better hydration could restore your dad and moms behavior to one that’s more manageable. If they made it this far, it means they have a lot of biodiversity regarding microbes and are immune to coronavirus activation of infection as a result of that. My dad is mid 90’s and a war vet but on the European side.
As far as covid fears, the WHO has changed their position and said that the tests have been cycled to over 40 in order to find any fragment which does not mean there was ever covid in the first place. In other words, the positive cases are really nothing but dead protein particles floating in our blood stream along with all the other gazillion microbes.
As long as your serum levels of vitamin D are over 40, or better yet 60, your respiratory system is less likely to become susceptible to respiratory infection. Fauci stated this and recommends 6,000 day of Vit D and 1,000-3,000 daily of Vit C. My parents dr insists on them taking K2 with the D3.
Either way they are on deaths door from any accident covid or not so I would not worry that you are contaminating them. They have hundreds of coronavirus in their body already and what triggers activation is loss of homeostasis. Actually Ild like to know their secret for making it this far.
I don’t mean to lessen any urgency regarding this emergency situation but I’m more of an optimist and know the type of mind your parents have might require going thru some exhaustive attempts to get to a place of them allowing help but it’s not impossible.
Sitting causes the blood to clot which causes strokes . Alzheimer’s causes one to forget to drink water and that causes dehydration and dementia symptoms . I think they will be fine with someone they can trust to put supports in place with the sole goal to allow them to remain in their home.
Your moms stress can come down if she can allow for help from the home agency you referenced. If she actually calls you, then at least you’ve got some open line of communication.
Maybe if you straight out ask or say “DADS DEAF, and the Gov said they will sell your house without your permission if you don’t get a few things fixed and a handyman / helper for dad . Or tell her you’ll come if she pays your flight and put you up into a local hotel and this could help avoid a nursing home. They will probably die within 3 mo to a year if they go there. Those are the statistics.
Ask her if she prefers you come there to help organize these things I would go there and not worry about covid like the WHO said it’s rare to spread when there’s no symptoms as the symptoms are the result of a viral load .
Your dad may have VA benefits to help with payment for AL or other services. In my opinion flying there to “talk logic” into your mother likely won’t work because she believes things are working just fine! And travel due to Covid is a real concern.
I had to wait until my mother was hospitalized multiple times and things had completely fallen apart before I could move her. As far as guardianship you may want to consider your options. You can consider letting a state guardian step in because you live quite a distance, or if you believe you cannot emotional manage this job. But the guardian will make all the decisions. Also, if your parents are very close to 100 years of age, I’m sure you have your own aging concerns to also manage.
The next time your parents are in the ER tell the hospital staff that you are contacting APS because it is not safe for them to go home. Repeat the word unsafe discharge multiple times. Let them know that you are not POA because your parents have refused to acknowledge their situation and that your dad has dementia and unable to make safe decisions for himself. And that your mother is unable to manage her own care. Be firm about this. Don’t let the hospital staff try to push the responsibility off to you - you live out of state, have your own problems to manage and have no POA or guardianship. The hospital recycled my mother several times back to an unsafe situation without letting anyone know. And your dad’s case manager can put in a little more effort. The VA can arrange for hospice if needed as well as other services. Even if they won’t discuss the case with you, you can leave messages and write letters to the supervisor. Having traveled multiple times in the past to try and help my mother, looking back it was a waste of time and money and emotion, and it accomplished nothing.
Your parents seem to want to die at home and they deserve to have their wish. They never got paperwork in order and maybe that’s because they didn’t want anyone to make decisions for them. Who really knows. However I understand your concern for wanting them to have some dignity and to insure the house isn’t falling apart. You can work from afar to try and locate resources for them. But be prepared to run into road blocks. Sometimes things just need to follow a course of least resistance. Take care of yourself first.
I experienced this with my mother. During her last days she refused to eat, which is part of the dying process ( did not know this at the time). I insisted she have liquid nutrition, only to have her stomach pumped at hospital. Now my thought is how uncomfortable she must have been with this liquid which was going nowhere or going very slowly.
Respect their autonomy.
First of all, wow! 96 & 98!! I wouldn’t worry about covid at this point. Seriously...how much longer do you think they could live anyway? I don’t mean for this to sound heartless. I am a realist. I would definitely call Protective Services. It would be worth paying a TX Elder Law or Guardianship attorney for a consultation for an hour of their time. They can tell you what your options are in way of getting help for them when they don’t want help. It could cost you $300-$350, but it would be worth it. It sounds like at this point they need to be under the guardian of the state.
My sister, a nurse who works with the elderly, always tells me “Sometimes worse things need to happen and play out before the right changes come.” So don’t be fearful of all the “what if’s” that might happen to them.
At this point because you aren't there and really know their mental state I would get ahold of Adult protective Services and have them help your parents at least live out their lives in some kind of welcoming environment.
All of their finances, the house and Power of Attorney should have been handles many years ago.
I hate to think how I would feel if I reached my 90's without any help from my children, My parents are both in their 90's now and I do what I have to to let them live out the rest of their years comfortable, luckily they still have their home and my Mom has a caregiver that comes for 4 hours in morning and 4 hours at night. I got my mom on Medicaid 5 years ago as I knew she would have issues down the road..
I have a bathtub that I have to get my legs over and when I'm done try to get out without falling.
The "walk in showers" are very expensive with grab bars.
Is there any grant or assistance I can get to help me bath.
YOU say take their keys away - so, how do they get food and supplies then, hmmmm? At least in a facility they would have food and someone to prepare it for them. Someone to clean for them. Someone to do laundry properly. Someone to watch over them. I'm not saying take them away, but if you are going to take keys away, you HAVE to provide some means for them to get what they need.
As for your bashing (too much of that happens on this forum) of NH or facilities in general, MY mother lived in MC for FOUR years. She did NOT lose any will to live. She was relatively happy. She had a safe place to live, proper food to eat, clean clothes and linens, clean bathroom, etc. Things got "worse", but only because she was 95+, had dementia, hearing loss, mac degeneration and high BP (on meds.) ALL these conditions existed BEFORE moving, some for many many years. What took her was two strokes, probably brought on by her own inactivity (also existed before moving) and the high BP, even though on meds. Even after the first stroke, she was still adamant on feeding herself (it affected her dominant side.)
In-home care can provide some of these needs, but OP can't magically make it happen, and I don't think APS can either. So, let's let them live in a degrading possibly dangerous home, let mom drive without a license, let them "live" they way they want without a care in the world for them.
To turn the usual argument around, sure, parents took care of us, but did they leave us alone, in a degrading dirty home, without ability to do laundry, make repairs, or even change lightbulbs? Your logic is illogical.
How did your calls with APS and the local police go?