My dad was widowed 5 years ago. He owns his home (3 bed, 2 bath) and has lived independently. He is hesitant about moving back to his home state where my brothers and I live. I understand why, but am concerned about his health and have hinted that he come back home where we can look after him and still let him live independently in an apartment. Sometimes he agrees and sometimes he wants to stay. Should I push him to move back?
I think a few issues might help put the situation in perspective. How and why did he fall? Was he able to get up on his own? Was he taken by EMS to the ER?
What I'm suggesting is assessing the severity of the situation now, and possibly addressing that while also planning for a higher likelihood as he ages. I.e., for now, you could consider a life alert pendant, lockbox with key to his house so EMS can get in, and importantly, prepare a medical history he could take with him to an ER or doctors' appointments.
I did that for both my parents when they became Winter Snowbirds. I listed relevant medical policies, contact information for my sister and I, backups as his good friends, meds, allergies, surgeries, conditions and hospitalizations, plus treating doctors here with contact info. It eventually was almost 10 pages, but it provided anyone treating them with enough information to make decisions.
I also made up a card for my with their meds and reasons; they carried those with them either in Mom's purse or Dad's pockets, or in their car.
I would consider that as potential backup now. Provide your own contact information, all sources, so that you can be notified.
If your father is willing, ask him to provide the other information on treatment, so that it's available to local first responders.
I wouldn't push him to make any changes in location though, especially now when life is so unsettled here in the US and across the world. People are under enough pressure as it is. But I would explore opportunities (apartments, etc.) in your area and keep a running list, just in case.
Senior Centers can also be very helpful; if your father expresses any loneliness, or being tired of meal prep, check out his local SC for him. It's also an opportunity for brief interpersonal reaction when the meals are delivered (safely, and distanced.)
Another thing you might explore now is whether or not he feels any need for assistive devices: cane, walker, etc.
Juse let him know that you are concerned about him and when he is ready to let you know and you will help him sell his home and find him an apartment close by his family.
You might have him come to visit and show him some apartments in the area.
Your Dad might be more willing to move back if he were moving in with family instead of an apartment.
Why should he make the move out of his home which is failure to him to an apartment?
He can fall just as easily, maybe more so being unfamiliar with his surroundings and the only difference is ya'll would be closer by if he falls.
Maybe if you or other siblings offered to have him live with you, he would consider moving back home.
As of now, he probably has friends there and you and your brother are asking him to move back to an apartment where ya'll might end up visiting him once a week.
For now, to help make it safer fir him and ease your mind,, you could have cameras installed so you can keep an eye on him 24 7, make sure he has handrails installed in the bathroom area by the toilet and shower/tub as most Senior Falls happen in the Bathroom.
Have you considered selling his home and one of the brothers add on a room addition to your home for your Dad?
He may come round and move, but he may not. He probably sees that he has issues, and isn't quite ready to accept them himself. It is all new to him too. If he was a care provider for his wife he may be all too familiar and doesn't want to put that burden on other family members.
Best of luck
It is difficult accepting that you are getting old and cannot care for yourself as you once did. Plus the whole moving thing (packing up, downsizing, moving to an apartment instead of a home as he is used to) is quite overwhelming for him, I'm sure.
Begin by thinking it through.
What apartment?
Independently, so needing what sort of support? Sourced from where?
You say you understand his reluctance - what are his reservations, and do you see any way of making those vanish, or of compensating for any disadvantages?
The point is that before you urge a particular direction on someone, it's essential to be as sure as anyone can be that the move will in fact improve his quality of life.
Thinking through the details might even lead you to conclude that he'd actually be better off sitting tight, perhaps with good local support which you can help him research. How long has he lived where he is now?
I appreciate the current difficulties, but could there be any way of arranging an extended visit for him to "try before he buys"?
There are lots of caregiving situations that can work for your dad:
You can have dad move in with you or another family member. This would be the least expensive option. If he has some dementia or mobility issues, then living alone is probably not a good idea any more. Just be aware that many dementia sufferers progress in their disease to requiring 24/7 care.
In-home help: home health aides can clean house, prepare meals, transport dad to appointments, bathe, dress.... is the next least expensive option. My MIL can afford her caretakers because all her assets have been liquidated and added to finances from her late husband's life insurance. Unfortunately, this option was not affordable when he was alive since it required too much money and Hawaii is expensive.
Lastly, residential facilities are available in most towns. They are more expensive than in-home care. However, there are some that will take Medicare and Medicaid.
The moral to the story is you can’t force a move and yes it is better if they are nearby. Hopefully your dad will decide when it is time in a reasonable fashion. Do know your life will not be the same as you know it. But I can’t imagine handling all I had to with him 350 miles away. As hard as it was, I am glad he moved here.
Geriatric people living alone are often targets of home invaders, where they can get beaten up and killed. Hey this is the world we are living in now.
We live 3 hours away, but she does at least have a couple of neighbors who watch out for her. It's very frustrating, but nobody can force someone to make good decisions.
I had an uncle who lived in his own home until he was 98. A son who lived within a half-hour drive came over to bring groceries, etc. every week or so. Other family members who lived within a couple hours of him (including my father who was 13 years younger) would visit him when they could. (Although he hadn't bothered to renew his driver's license, he still drove the half-mile or so the post office to pick up his mail until he was about 97.) Finally, another son, living in another state, took him in, where he lived a month past his 100th birthday, needing more care the last few weeks. I was living some 400 miles away but I visited when I could, and he seemed content in his ranch-style home where he had lived over half a century, and he enjoyed sitting in his living room watching baseball games on TV. Other than being hard-of-hearing, he seemed okay mentally, and was able to walk without problems.
Your dads probably very realistic on his future. He know what a fall can mean. Imho enough time has passed since her death that bereavement is over and he’s now created a well rounded life in FL without her. Was he one of those that once the day to day totality of his caregiving was gone, found himself all sorts of energy and perhaps popularity within his acquaintances? I imagine he has had no shortage of attention as a relatively fit old rooster is quite popular.
when you’ve gone to visit, do you actual stay for a long long visit.... like @ month or so? Long enough that you really get to see what his life is like and not the 5 day visit with his time all focused on you, hubs & his grandkids?
If you haven’t done that, I’d suggest that you do this. Could be a lot in his life he just keeps private from his kids. It would be interesting to know what actually happened when he fell.... like who was in his support network. He could have quite the busy schedule..... that’s my experience as my mom was a widow for couple of decades - she died backside of her 90’s - and had couple of BF’s and all sorts of community stuff she went to; I suggested big time for her to move to my state, she wasn’t having it as beyond loved her home, her garden and her network in her city. Might your dad be similar?
If your dad is flat insistent about his independence, has a solid network and knows you’re there to do whatever medical & legal needed should something happen to him, he may not feel the need to move back to RI. He may be “if I die & never see snow again I’m happy”.
Also if you do a long visit, it gives you an opportunity to see where his group moves to once their home gets to be just too much upkeep to deal with. His pals are going to have Realtors they work with..... know movers.... estate sale gals.... know someone who ran out of $ and dealt with FL Medicaid. I’d try to find 1 or 2 who have kids your age that you can communicate with. There going to be an IL community or building that he’s had friends move into. Ditto for AL. Go visit them and narrow down the choices so that he can decide on a plan for after the eventual worse fall or a hospitalization. Also check to see if he needs to freshened up his legal & banking, and do this your next visit so you have all updated done for 2021. Use concerns about Covid if need be to nudge him to do things.
My BIL saw how well it worked out for us and he followed doing the same.
I vote for strongly suggesting your dad move closer to you. Because otherwise, something drastic will likely happen, forcing him to move, fire-sale the house, etc. And then he'll look back in hindsight, wishing he'd done the right thing before he was forced to. He's 91. My dad broke his hip at 90 and passed away at 91. My mother is still alive at 94 next month and living in Memory Care now. If they were still in FL when all hell broke loose, then what??
Sure, some people can live alone in their own home until their 100 and be just jim-dandy. Most cannot. Is your father willing to take the risk that he's in the first category or the second?
Ultimately, it's up to him but YOUR problem.
Good luck!
A place closer to you or assisted living if he wants to stay in his current city is the best option now.
Ask him because you want him closer, not because you want to care for him.
Make it about you wanting him closer.