Same story as many here. Long story short - mom released from hospital (weakness and some confusion due to low sodium). She is back to her baseline (we are now monitoring labs much more frequently). I have 2 sisters completely unwilling to help with any of mom's care. Mom is 87, I am 60 (sisters 50 and 63 both in good health and live nearby). I am now POA medical and financial (when mom can no longer make decisions for herself, and memory is slipping). Sisters hate me, so are basically punishing me through mom (by not assisting in her care). I have had to move in with mom due to sisters not helping (they were a bit prior to a family feud). It has been close to two months now that I have literally moved in night / day. I have asked for my sisters to help but they are not evening willing to spend 1 night each a week with her. Mom is able to be alone during day - she can dress herself if clothes are put out for her. She can toilet herself, make light lunch, uses walker in home and has medical alert necklace should she fall. I have recently changed professions from RN to realtor, so I am not "punching a clock" and can work a lot from (which is not easy as the TV here is on LOUD all day - fox news which is ok, but the noise level is getting to me trying to work). We have a care giver 2x week to assist showering (3-4hour blocks). I shower mom and do her "exercises" all other days - Takes a good 2-3 hours by the time she gets moving in the morning.
This is starting to take a toll on my relationship with the gentleman I was living with. I have not spent the night with him for over 2 months. My sisters have threatened me with APS if I leave mom home at night on her own. Mom is capable of being here alone during for periods of time (has the fall alert, no falls as of yet). She gets up to potty at night on own and I sleep through the night in room close by. I have not to today I had to help her at night. I am wondering why I cannot spend a night or two a week with my friend. Make sure she has her pajamas on (which she can get on), get her dinner, leave around 7 and stay till like 7am (mom gets up at 7:30). She is capable of getting her coffee in morning (if I make ahead). This would only be 2 nights a week (for my need to get out and have 2 normal nights). I would feel so guilty if she fell, but she could fall while I am in the home sleeping too. My boyfriend lives 12 minutes away - so far, he says he understands, but mom could live a long time and I doubt the relationship would last with no intimacy (my guess only). I told mom that if we need to hire additional help and sisters are NOT willing to step up so I can spend two nights with Steve. The additional $ paid for help should be taken out of their inheritance? It is not fair that I do ALL the work and they get the same amount in the end? I AM NOT trying to make this about money, but it can be a motivating factor (especially for one of my sisters that can't keep a job and is waiting for mom to die to collect her $$$ about 300K). Mom does not want to leave her home, and there is no reason with help (hired or not), mom can't stay here with her capabilities at this time. My thoughts were that if the added "hired help" was taken from their share, they might be more willing to step up and help out? Thoughts? Also, I would be willing to look into the "granny cams" if needed to monitor her whereabouts in home (mixed feelings on this as she has the medical alert button that senses falls or she can push if she falls and needs immediate medical assistance. Thanks for listening. Feels good to vent to people that UNDERSTAND what I am going through. On an added note mom cannot get out of home on own (steps she can't get down, not even with ramp as she needs walker). I feel guilty if not keeping mom active, taking her for daily walks, out to lunch/dinner, zoo, daily drives in car (she can't drive), but my life is being redefined and I am getting angry about the lack of family help.
I just noticed this statement. I would suggest calling their bluff by reminding them you are helping your mom out of the goodness of your heart (unless there is more to the story). If APS is called in, I believe the whole family would have to be accountable! APS may decide they are the ones neglecting their mom... careful not to say this out loud in anger.
Going forward, you may want to figure the cost of 24/7 caregiving and offer the choice of either working or paying. One of the choices could be deducting from their inheritance... and have a contract for how they wish to handle it. My sister's MIL kept a running list, attached to her will, of what her six children were borrowing (and not repaying) as well as what they were spending on her behalf. This list was to be tallied at her death before anyone received their inheritance. In fact, her executor counted the man hours for each family member when they prepared the home to be sold and deducted that from the profit before dividing. Of course those who did not help were quite upset when they got less. Your mom sounds like she may still be capable of adding an addendum to her will.
Even if hiring help takes funds out of the "inheritance" means you also would "lose" a bit, consider the value to having some freedom back. It would only cost you 1/3 of every dollar spent while their "inheritance" would be dwindled too. If you can communicate peacefully... consider suggesting that help is hired 24/7 using the "inheritance" and it may bring them to reality about the true cost of caregiving. You can still offer to do as much as you want, saving some of their expense and hopefully they would value you more.
Look at it this way, you are doing the work that could be divided three ways just to save your inheritance too. If you decide to move forward with any of the suggestions anyone here is giving, be sure you think long and hard before trying to communicate with your sisters. Even write down a plan to discuss, showing it has been thought out. For every action, there is will be a reaction... good or bad. It may be time for an arbitrator to monitor the conversation. This could be as simple as a pastor or as legal as an attorney. Hopefully, they will see your mother's well being is the most important issue. Include the fact that if the current situation continues (and it may be years), your health will suffer and they may lose you so you are also planning for the unknown for their benefit as well.
Hopefully your family can move forward in peace, especially for your mother's sake.
If there is no will (the deceased died 'intestate'), there is still a legal process before the estate can be dealt with, split up in the way provided by statute. In some places, that process might still be called probate, but it’s not the traditional meaning of the word.
Sometimes when what is left is very small (eg only one small bank account where it is obvious that the spouse is going to get it and there are no family claimants), the whole process is skipped on a discretionary basis, but that is never the case when there are assets like land or a lot of money.
I do get it.
But maybe think of it this way..
Everyone has choices.
Mom doesn't want to leave her home. She can choose how she lives. To lean heavier & heavier on others: you, others, paid help.
Or make changes.
Your sisters can choose to say no to any helping. Some may view this as hard & uncaring. Some will view this as sensible & wise.
You have choices too. Currently it suits your moral compass to step in to help Mom in her home. That's OK too! Your line of if/when the situation gets too much, when it slides into 'propping up' differs from your sisters. That's ok too.
You are freely giving your time. Your choice.
I say this from BOTH sides.
My sister sees what I do as MY choice. Appears to have no interest/guilt to help or thank me.
I also see the many things my SIL does for her Mother but see that as her free choice. (I would have outsourced many tasks by now).
My final thoughts are that if your resentment is growing - please reconsider how much you do & give of yourself.
Get the will changed. Disinherit them and use their share to pay for your mom's care.
Your sisters hate you, threaten you, and want to punish you? Show them what punishment is.
However, the will only distributes assets* still owned by the will writer at the time of death. (* not including assets with pay on death beneficiaries or joint owners, which are distributed by required process.)
So, if the POA pays $150,000 for Mother’s needs from Mother’s funds during her lifetime, then the basic effect is that each of three heirs would receive 50,000 from the remaining 150,000.
Note that, depending on how the POA is written, or what state law is, the POA agent may be able to pay themselves compensation for POA work or caregiving work. The agent may also use the principal’s funds to pay for legal consultations and payroll services to make sure everything is done appropriately.
So, it is entirely possible that the POA/caregiver could be paid 50,000 and use 100,000 to delegate tasks to additional caregivers and housekeeping or home maintenance providers or to substitute convenience foods and other supplies for more labor intensive products.
The effect is that the non-caregivers end up with less, while the caregiver can balance delegating vs hands on work and get the same or more.
However, there is no guarantee that anyone will get any inheritance; many experience significant decline in function over time that uses all funds, followed by a prolonged Medicaid covered stay. Funds paid out appropriately before that are part of the allowed Medicaid spend down. (Yes. Get good legal advice on Medicaid spend down.)
So, there is a scenario where the POA/caregiver ends up with 100,000 and the others get their share of zero.
I think you just needed to vent a little. Hope it felt good to get it out!
First: Hire round the clock help for your mom. It is your choice to stay there all day and night or not. And yes! Use mom's money to pay for it!
Her money is for her and does not belong to you or our sisters or anyone else until she dies, and hopefully has a will and executor to see that her assets are distributed as she wishes.
Second: Do not count on motivating or threatening your siblings into helping with mom's care, by using financial incentive. Frankly, if they don't wish to take on that responsibility, you don't want them doing it. And, they don't have to.
Just as you don't have to.
You can hire help, and still spend time with your mother, helping in some way, because it makes you feel good to be close with her.
I see so many people here vent about lack of help from family members. You can't make them, and you shouldn't expect them to help. And you should set your own limitations. You are not letting your mother down, and you are not obligated to do as much as you are, putting your life on hold.
I can see you really care about her. And you should continue to enjoy being there with her and helping her. But, you need help! And don't count on family to provide it! Use mom's money - she accumulated that much, she should have the benefit of the best care she can get!
I hope you post a follow up. Let us know how you're doing!
We use a lot of acronyms on the board.
You will find it helpful if you're here for very long.
As her POA it is your job to use her funds for her care.
Payment for required care is a CURRENT issue. Whereas inheritence is a FUTURE possibility.
In my family, my 92 year old FIL often talks about "leaving us the house", and I always gently remind him that the house, which is 80% of his remaining assets, is there to help care for him. I'm not sure if he does this because it is his wish to avoid going to an ALF or SNF down the road, but we can't make promises to him that those scenarios won't happen. It's his money....and it's fully available to care for him until he passes.
That older generation seemed to have wired into them this big plan of buying property to hand down to the next generation.
I do not claim any monetory economic policy understanding... but do understand how war times & depression years of their youth/parent's youth could have shaped their aspirations.
But really, if more than one child, the property has to be sold when they pass, right? Funds divided. Even if one child, they may not wish to live there. Yet THE HOUSE becomes this big thing. Do NOT ever sell the house!
Property is a physical thing. Yet maybe also is a symbol of emotion. Of how hard they worked. Of their legacy. I get that & respect that.
But... it can also be used as the big manipulator. Oh yes!
If you come & look after me & the house, you'll get the house. Then it gets watered down for every tiny manipulation or even used as a threat.. You do xyz, or you WON'T get the house. I'll change my will...
Anyone got that yet?
I think everyone here has a story or two about siblings who do nothing to help, yet are the first to demand to see checks from the will/trust being passed out.
Your siblings choice to not help has no bearing on how your parents may have written out their will.
My OB stole over $250K from my parents, essentially robbing them of their entire retirement slush fund. They had to sell the family home and lost so much on that. We didn't know he'd done this until the closing on their home when their realtor (my SIL) told us that they only had about $60K, instead of over $300K, which is what they had planned on.
And, of course, OB was left in the will, to receive 1/6th of practically nothing.
He died before mom did, so it was never an 'issue'--but it would have been SO galling to have to have handed over another cent to this grifter.
Being POA doesn't pay and being executor usually doesn't either.
First, however, all of mom's money should be going to care for mom. Period.
And you cannot force anyone into taking care of ANYONE. Life is not fair, and sadly, most of us have seen exactly this dynamic over and over again.
I've seen this before, and Acronyms are one of my pet peeves! I hate it when people talk in acronyms, and I have no idea what they mean!
Let your mom pay for the extra care she needs and the inheritance gets spit however she decided before she got dementia.
There seems to be more to the story than what you’re stating if sisters were helping before.
Draw up a legal "Caregiver Agreement" so you can get paid now.
Then, spend Mom's money on Mom's care, Mom's needs, and Mom's wants.
There may not be any inheritance to divide in the end. However "fair" may seem to you or your siblings.
Stop talking to them about it, stop over-sharing.
Do your job as PoA.
And be sure to hire adequate help when you go out, or even take a week off.
You were not forced into this situation, you chose to participate as well and your siblings choosing not to participate. They are not at fault here. If you are resentful of providing care or just cannot do it any longer use your mom's funds to take the weight off. Decide what you can do without resentment and do just that. Your mom needs to pay for everything else out of her own funds.
Oh yeah. Threaten them to 'help out / financial too." You are living in a fantasy world filled with anger and frustration.
Advice:
Get into therapy.
Consult an attorney.
Get caregivers / overnight helpers.
Stop being a carer. Be a daughter and live your life.
Mum would have company and activities in a good care home. And she can afford a very good facility.
They have made the choice not to be involved in caregiving. I don't know their relationship with their mother but I suspect it was not good and this is THEIR CHOICE.
You cannot make other peoples' choices for them. That is up to them. You can only decide for yourself. Pretend you did not have siblings. I had none to help me when my own sibling fell ill. Decide how much you can do and how much of your life you can sacrifice to this caregiving and let your mother know when you can no longer to it.
Choices in life are not made for other people but for ourselves. The reasons your sisters do not wish to give care are their own business and you have enough on your plate not to waste time thinking about them at all.
It sounds like what you (quite reasonably) Want is to have your sisters chip in more with their time. Unfortunately I don’t think the future inheritance is going to give you a tool to force that, nor would they do it willingly even if it did. Future money can’t buy that.
However, right now: your mom has assets. And assets CAN buy her something. Right now. They can buy her safety and security, when her current volunteer full-time unpaid caregiver (you) decides , Quite reasonably, that’s not tenable to keep doing.
So mom should start to look into spending her assets for help for when you stop. All agree, including your sisters, that it’s unsafe for her to live alone, so she’ll need to pay for help. (Your sisters don’t get to decide that you will keep volunteering there. Not their choice. And having said they would call APS, it’s clear all agree the situation needs help).
Furthermore, as her financial POA, you can help her do this if she’s not sure how to do it herself. (Or if she doesn’t have capacity, you are *expected* to do it in order to act in her best interest).
Get your time and life back, and have mom use her assets for what she needs. Don’t worry about the division of the inheritance and trying to convince your sisters to help out, They won’t do it. Don’t worry about the size of the inheritance because there is none yet. Separately, if after the fact your * mom * thinks you deserve extra for all the time you put in, she can tinker with the division of assets in the will, But that’s a different question than trying to tie current expenses for caregiving to a *future* inheritance allocation to cause your sisters to behave a certain way.
One other comment: the fact that right now (I assume) the assets are being divided equally in the will actually is a little bit of protection for you. Any money your mom spends now affects all of you equally, so you can’t be accused of advantaging yourself financially by encouraging her to spend it.
You need to make some decisions on her care , that you works for you. Forget about your sister's.
I think a lot of my anger towards my sister is jealousy, jealous that she is living her life care free, jealous that she finds time to do the things she wants to do. Jealous that she had the gonads to walk away.
You deserve you life , if your mom needs that much care she should be in AL so you can have your life.
Don't get burned out trying to be the hero. It helps no one but hurts you.
Best of luck , keep us posted on how things are going
I agree with Alva on this one
Then you should be angry ONLY at yourself, for all of this is your decision and in your control for your own life. YOU made these choices for your mother's life, and for your own.
You say that you feel bad your mom doesn't have more activity.
Does she WANT more? Because were she in ALF she would have quite a lot more activity and companionship.
You say that sisters are threatening you with a report to APS if your mom is left alone. I must believe that mom isn't safe alone; and if she's requiring clothing set out, and etc. then I, as a retired RN agree. Your sisters believe mom now needs 24/7 care. I agree with them. I would in fact make their choice not to participate in this care, thus enabling its being continued. You BF is correct. Mom may have a good decade of life left.
So to admit I have skin in the game here in that I weigh in heavily on your sisters' side. Reasons?
Mom's safety; your own lives.
Now that I have admitted my own prejudices in this matter, on to the discussion of compensation for yourself.
A) Your mother's will likely divides money equally between yourself and sisters?
B) Your mother is no longer in a condition to amend the will?
If the above two things are true then I would do at least a care contract, as the POA with an elder law attorney. This will be a bit dicey as POAs cannot be "self-enriching". But you should receive payment NOW for those things that are a cost to you, and the elder law person can guide you in compensation for yourself now that can legally be done.
I would in no way hide that you're doing this. I'd tell sisters what you are receiving and why and reassure them that 5,000 to 20,000 a month in ALF or MC would cut more into mom's funds than this, by far.
So basically, you chose to take this on.
Sisters chose not to.
I honor all of your decisions for your own life.
I feel you should be compensated for whatever you can legally be.
I hope you have taken mom's own good into this. If she is like me, a bit reclusive and would prefer to die at home, then this is great for her; if however she does need activities, she would get a lot more out of a good ALF. So take her wishes here into account, as well.
There are costs and benefits to these decisions either way.
But you do need to remove from your already too full plate any anger at sisters who have a right to make decisions for their own lives no matter WHERE they live. Your anger will not get you help.
I wish you the very best of luck.
btw- your siblings are being cruel and uncaring about your mom’s desires to age in place. They will have to live forever with their selfish and petty decisionmaking
As for the unsympathetic observation that you chose to help your mom, always remember you too have to live with your decision making.
I have recently completed this journey. I am relieved and blessed to have taken care of my loving, generous and dear mom. No regrets for putting her first for the last 5-8 years. I’d have massive regrets that I had not done so.
You don't ask Mom, you tell Mom that you will be spending a couple of nights a week with boyfriend and that she will need to hire someone for the nights.
I may also discuss that you cannot be there for her indefinitely. Your POA does not mean your her caregiver. Its a tool to help her with her finances and Medical when she needs it. Ask her to consider a nice Assisted Living. Its really not fair that your sisters do nothing. You too have a life and would like to get back to it. If Mom says something about inheritances, tell her your sisters do not deserve it since they won't lift a finger helping her. Mom needs to spend her money on her.
APS. My sibling has called a few times. Exactly because of money fears and lack of control which was self created. Bring in weekend overnight care and hold on. You are not doing anything wrong.
that said, step back and look at her and her home through the eyes of a stranger. Then make the appropriate changes.