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Same story as many here. Long story short - mom released from hospital (weakness and some confusion due to low sodium). She is back to her baseline (we are now monitoring labs much more frequently). I have 2 sisters completely unwilling to help with any of mom's care. Mom is 87, I am 60 (sisters 50 and 63 both in good health and live nearby). I am now POA medical and financial (when mom can no longer make decisions for herself, and memory is slipping). Sisters hate me, so are basically punishing me through mom (by not assisting in her care). I have had to move in with mom due to sisters not helping (they were a bit prior to a family feud). It has been close to two months now that I have literally moved in night / day. I have asked for my sisters to help but they are not evening willing to spend 1 night each a week with her. Mom is able to be alone during day - she can dress herself if clothes are put out for her. She can toilet herself, make light lunch, uses walker in home and has medical alert necklace should she fall. I have recently changed professions from RN to realtor, so I am not "punching a clock" and can work a lot from (which is not easy as the TV here is on LOUD all day - fox news which is ok, but the noise level is getting to me trying to work). We have a care giver 2x week to assist showering (3-4hour blocks). I shower mom and do her "exercises" all other days - Takes a good 2-3 hours by the time she gets moving in the morning.


This is starting to take a toll on my relationship with the gentleman I was living with. I have not spent the night with him for over 2 months. My sisters have threatened me with APS if I leave mom home at night on her own. Mom is capable of being here alone during for periods of time (has the fall alert, no falls as of yet). She gets up to potty at night on own and I sleep through the night in room close by. I have not to today I had to help her at night. I am wondering why I cannot spend a night or two a week with my friend. Make sure she has her pajamas on (which she can get on), get her dinner, leave around 7 and stay till like 7am (mom gets up at 7:30). She is capable of getting her coffee in morning (if I make ahead). This would only be 2 nights a week (for my need to get out and have 2 normal nights). I would feel so guilty if she fell, but she could fall while I am in the home sleeping too. My boyfriend lives 12 minutes away - so far, he says he understands, but mom could live a long time and I doubt the relationship would last with no intimacy (my guess only). I told mom that if we need to hire additional help and sisters are NOT willing to step up so I can spend two nights with Steve. The additional $ paid for help should be taken out of their inheritance? It is not fair that I do ALL the work and they get the same amount in the end? I AM NOT trying to make this about money, but it can be a motivating factor (especially for one of my sisters that can't keep a job and is waiting for mom to die to collect her $$$ about 300K). Mom does not want to leave her home, and there is no reason with help (hired or not), mom can't stay here with her capabilities at this time. My thoughts were that if the added "hired help" was taken from their share, they might be more willing to step up and help out? Thoughts? Also, I would be willing to look into the "granny cams" if needed to monitor her whereabouts in home (mixed feelings on this as she has the medical alert button that senses falls or she can push if she falls and needs immediate medical assistance. Thanks for listening. Feels good to vent to people that UNDERSTAND what I am going through. On an added note mom cannot get out of home on own (steps she can't get down, not even with ramp as she needs walker). I feel guilty if not keeping mom active, taking her for daily walks, out to lunch/dinner, zoo, daily drives in car (she can't drive), but my life is being redefined and I am getting angry about the lack of family help.

You use moms assets NOW to pay for all the care she needs.
If mom is cognizant she can sign a Caregiver Contract and you can get paid (from her assets).
I hope the caregivers that come a few times a week also get paid from moms assets.
The goal here is that when mom dies all her assets have been used for her care so there is no inheritance.
If the siblings understand that moms assets are being used and they are wanting an inheritance you can add them as caregivers and they also can get paid to hep care for mom.
Your other option is
Get your life back. Convince mom that you can no longer safely care for her and that she needs Assisted Living (you do not mention dementia so I am going AL rather than MC)
Use moms assets to pay for AL. If necessary sell her house and that also can be used to pay for AL.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
You will have to live with warehousing your mom. Are you comfortable living with that
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What comes out of inheritance is determined by how mom’s will is written and nothing else. It doesn’t matter what you’d like your sisters to do, they’ve chosen not to be involved in caregiving, and you have no alternative but to accept that decision. You didn’t “have” to move in with mom, you chose to, even if it was out of good motives and concern. If you’re finding it not sustainable, it’s time to talk with mom about a new plan, either hiring more help in home with her funds, or moving her to where more help is
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BurntCaregiver Jun 5, 2024
@Daughter

If the OP laid down the ultimatum to her siblings of either help out or I put mom in a nursing home and it will be ZERO inheritance for all of us, they will probably get very reasonable very quickly.
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Usually when an estate is settled any owed caregiving costs are simply deducted and paid from the money from that estate. There really isn't any picking and choosing whose share of the potential inheritance it will be taken from.

You can however go to a lawyer who specializes in elder law and estate planning and ask if you can start being paid for your service to your mother now. Do not have her Will changed. So if your mother passes into God's mercy in her home and not a nursing home everyone's inheritance will be equal and yet fair. Fair in that you will be paid for your service to her aside from what your inheritance will be.

Why should your sisters who do nothing inherit free and clear but you should have to earn yours? No.
You should make it very plain to your sisters that you are the one who is making their potential inheritance possible because you are the one keeping your mother out of a care facility.

Please visit a lawyer and make sure that you get treated fairly.
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You have POA.

Use Mom's money for Mom's care needs and housing.

See an Elder Law attorney to work up a caregiving contract while mom is still competent to sign one.
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Kwiemer Jun 6, 2024
Yes, do not wait.
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On a peripheral topic because you mentioned her blasting the tv all day...

Please take your Mom for a hearing test and get her hearing aids. I told my Mom, when it became apparent that I was needing to talk loudly to her (and she often accusing me of "not telling" her stuff), that she had to get hearing aids because I wasn't going to shout stuff to her in private -- and public -- and that hearing loss is very isolating for her. Your Mom has no idea how bad her hearing is until she puts them in for the first time, so don't accept any pushback about it. Even if it's not you providing her daily care, she will benefit greatly from having corrected hearing (and it's also for her safety).

Your sisters are not obligated to help care for your Mom, a completely separate issue from inheritance. Inheritance issues ruin many a relationship and causes caregivers to possibly make unwise decisions. I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you are the PoA and only do what is in your Mom's best interests as long as it is not onerous to you, her caregiver. If it's onerous to you, then the arrangement isn't working and you will burn out.

Give up expecting any help from your sisters and use your Mom's money (and their "inheritance") to pay for her excellent care and to free you up to have your relationship with your guy, as he is really your priority if it's a serious relationship.
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Strike a balance between your life and your mom's life. You've already given up your career as an RN to be with mom.

Your sister's threatening to call APS is a control tactic and trying to police you at the same time. I would not allow myself to be bullied by them making you stay twenty-four seven under your mom's thumb.

I had my sister do that to me and I should have gone to the courts and filed a restraining order to stop her from using public organizations to police me. I was working a full time job, going to school, doing all of the housework and still caught flack from someone trying to make me not have a life.

Get mom one of those devices to put around her neck to call for help if she falls. Why can't your boyfriend come visit you? Or even sit out on the porch for goodness sakes.

How old are you? Twelve? Just joking here. Your situation sounds so much like the control freaks I dealt with. Eventually, I had my sister placed in a beautiful group home and got the heck out of dodge. I got tired of family trying to police my every move. I was only let out of the dungeon to go to work and back home.
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So...to my understanding - "inheritance" does not exist until the person you are inheriting FROM is no longer living (unless of course there is some kind of trust created). A person's money is for THEIR care. You can't inherit something before someone passes - they can only gift you those funds.

So your mother should use her own money to provide for her own care. That money doesn't belong to you or your sisters at this time. It belongs to her. And it needs to be used to provide for her needs alone.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
Excellent points. Hire home health aides so your mom can age in place. It sounds like an aide can take an 8 pm-8 am shift so that you can have the life you need
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It sounds like you are getting burned out. She deserves good care, not by someone who is burned out and resentful. Find the best help and pay for it with her money.

This gift of time you will receive will be your inheritance. I am 68 and I realize that you cannot get these last years of good health back. I have realized quality time is just as important as money.
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RockHardLve3 Jun 5, 2024
I disagree. Emotions are a part of the process. She is angry at her siblings for treating her so badly. I would be worried if she wasn’t upset.
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The bottom line is that you accepted this responsibility and now unless you move her to AL you are stuck.

Money is the core to this entire matter, no one wants to use the mother's money for her care, which is what the money should be used for, her care, if there is anything left fine, if not, fine too.

As for staying in her home, the problem is that elders need to be around people their own age, be able to socialize with them, yes, it is different than socializing with a younger person.

When the issue becomes all about money, no one wins including your mother.

Your sisters are not obligated to care for your mother, nor are you, no reason to give up your life for her when there are viable options.

My mother is 99 and in AL, been so for 4 years, she loves it. Your mother could live much much longer as well, do you really want to give up more years of your life being her caregiver rather than her daughter?
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
I am repelled by your comments. Are you willing to be warehoused because you have no one interested in your wellbeing

personally I do not regret a moment i dedicated to my mom as her caregiver. I miss her so much.
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I so hope Mom is paying for the aide she gets now.

You don't ask Mom, you tell Mom that you will be spending a couple of nights a week with boyfriend and that she will need to hire someone for the nights.

I may also discuss that you cannot be there for her indefinitely. Your POA does not mean your her caregiver. Its a tool to help her with her finances and Medical when she needs it. Ask her to consider a nice Assisted Living. Its really not fair that your sisters do nothing. You too have a life and would like to get back to it. If Mom says something about inheritances, tell her your sisters do not deserve it since they won't lift a finger helping her. Mom needs to spend her money on her.
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RockHardLve3 Jun 5, 2024
Why is it always default to ALF? Not all elders are social. Putting our parents away is so easy-someone else’s responsibility. Most of us want to stay in our homes. This was normal until SNIFFS were created to earn money. Unless they are a harm to themselves or others with the right caregiving in place, they can thrive in their own environment. There are senior centers in every town to go and socialize if they are social people.
APS. My sibling has called a few times. Exactly because of money fears and lack of control which was self created. Bring in weekend overnight care and hold on. You are not doing anything wrong.
that said, step back and look at her and her home through the eyes of a stranger. Then make the appropriate changes.
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You say you are getting angry.
Then you should be angry ONLY at yourself, for all of this is your decision and in your control for your own life. YOU made these choices for your mother's life, and for your own.

You say that you feel bad your mom doesn't have more activity.
Does she WANT more? Because were she in ALF she would have quite a lot more activity and companionship.

You say that sisters are threatening you with a report to APS if your mom is left alone. I must believe that mom isn't safe alone; and if she's requiring clothing set out, and etc. then I, as a retired RN agree. Your sisters believe mom now needs 24/7 care. I agree with them. I would in fact make their choice not to participate in this care, thus enabling its being continued. You BF is correct. Mom may have a good decade of life left.
So to admit I have skin in the game here in that I weigh in heavily on your sisters' side. Reasons?
Mom's safety; your own lives.

Now that I have admitted my own prejudices in this matter, on to the discussion of compensation for yourself.
A) Your mother's will likely divides money equally between yourself and sisters?
B) Your mother is no longer in a condition to amend the will?
If the above two things are true then I would do at least a care contract, as the POA with an elder law attorney. This will be a bit dicey as POAs cannot be "self-enriching". But you should receive payment NOW for those things that are a cost to you, and the elder law person can guide you in compensation for yourself now that can legally be done.
I would in no way hide that you're doing this. I'd tell sisters what you are receiving and why and reassure them that 5,000 to 20,000 a month in ALF or MC would cut more into mom's funds than this, by far.

So basically, you chose to take this on.
Sisters chose not to.
I honor all of your decisions for your own life.
I feel you should be compensated for whatever you can legally be.
I hope you have taken mom's own good into this. If she is like me, a bit reclusive and would prefer to die at home, then this is great for her; if however she does need activities, she would get a lot more out of a good ALF. So take her wishes here into account, as well.
There are costs and benefits to these decisions either way.
But you do need to remove from your already too full plate any anger at sisters who have a right to make decisions for their own lives no matter WHERE they live. Your anger will not get you help.
I wish you the very best of luck.
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JudetheArawak Jun 5, 2024
if mom wants to age in place, then you are awesome for making that happen. Assisted Living? It is very difficult to find one that YOU can trust and MOM will like.
btw- your siblings are being cruel and uncaring about your mom’s desires to age in place. They will have to live forever with their selfish and petty decisionmaking
As for the unsympathetic observation that you chose to help your mom, always remember you too have to live with your decision making.
I have recently completed this journey. I am relieved and blessed to have taken care of my loving, generous and dear mom. No regrets for putting her first for the last 5-8 years. I’d have massive regrets that I had not done so.
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Your mom can supplement her will with a codicil reducing your sisters’ participation in her estate. Your mom needs to discuss this with a lawyers familiar with wills. It’s ok to discuss your issues with mom but cease if she understand or disagree with your suggestions for fair distribution of her estate. Do NOT overreach with your mom. Your sisters need not know about codicils but may try to argue that you unduly influenced the addition of the codicil
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Jules, why would you want you sisters to help if they don't want to. I wouldn't want anyone taking care of my mom if they don't want to, because they won't have any patients

You need to make some decisions on her care , that you works for you. Forget about your sister's.

I think a lot of my anger towards my sister is jealousy, jealous that she is living her life care free, jealous that she finds time to do the things she wants to do. Jealous that she had the gonads to walk away.

You deserve you life , if your mom needs that much care she should be in AL so you can have your life.

Don't get burned out trying to be the hero. It helps no one but hurts you.

Best of luck , keep us posted on how things are going

I agree with Alva on this one
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Many wise answers. I’ll Just reinforce that there is no “inheritance” yet. There are only mom’s assets. And those assets will become an inheritance and be divided upon her death according to her will. If SHE wants to divide things unequally (as it sounds like she still has capacity) she will have to modify the will.

It sounds like what you (quite reasonably) Want is to have your sisters chip in more with their time. Unfortunately I don’t think the future inheritance is going to give you a tool to force that, nor would they do it willingly even if it did. Future money can’t buy that.

However, right now: your mom has assets. And assets CAN buy her something. Right now. They can buy her safety and security, when her current volunteer full-time unpaid caregiver (you) decides , Quite reasonably, that’s not tenable to keep doing.

So mom should start to look into spending her assets for help for when you stop. All agree, including your sisters, that it’s unsafe for her to live alone, so she’ll need to pay for help. (Your sisters don’t get to decide that you will keep volunteering there. Not their choice. And having said they would call APS, it’s clear all agree the situation needs help).

Furthermore, as her financial POA, you can help her do this if she’s not sure how to do it herself. (Or if she doesn’t have capacity, you are *expected* to do it in order to act in her best interest).

Get your time and life back, and have mom use her assets for what she needs. Don’t worry about the division of the inheritance and trying to convince your sisters to help out, They won’t do it. Don’t worry about the size of the inheritance because there is none yet. Separately, if after the fact your * mom * thinks you deserve extra for all the time you put in, she can tinker with the division of assets in the will, But that’s a different question than trying to tie current expenses for caregiving to a *future* inheritance allocation to cause your sisters to behave a certain way.

One other comment: the fact that right now (I assume) the assets are being divided equally in the will actually is a little bit of protection for you. Any money your mom spends now affects all of you equally, so you can’t be accused of advantaging yourself financially by encouraging her to spend it.
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No, it cannot be taken out of any inheritance left to her.

They have made the choice not to be involved in caregiving. I don't know their relationship with their mother but I suspect it was not good and this is THEIR CHOICE.

You cannot make other peoples' choices for them. That is up to them. You can only decide for yourself. Pretend you did not have siblings. I had none to help me when my own sibling fell ill. Decide how much you can do and how much of your life you can sacrifice to this caregiving and let your mother know when you can no longer to it.

Choices in life are not made for other people but for ourselves. The reasons your sisters do not wish to give care are their own business and you have enough on your plate not to waste time thinking about them at all.
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So you’re burnt out and exhausted and want your life back. That is reasonable. You also want to judge them for their unwillingness to be caretakers when they don’t get along with you and you are in charge by your mother’s actions (both POAs) and your own words. That is not reasonable. It’s certainly within your rights - but it’s not getting you anywhere. You have made this all about you. They’re punishing you through Mom … uhm, sounds more like they are punishing Mom through you. You don’t get to decide what they inherit. Your mom decides that. You also don’t get to decide what they do with their time. If you need help - you should hire it because Mom has the funds to do so. Why do they get to know about who’s hired for caretaking? How would they know if you leave her alone? If she doesn’t have dementia, why does she need 24/7 company?
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"My thoughts were that if the added "hired help" was taken from their share, they might be more willing to step up and help out?"

Oh yeah. Threaten them to 'help out / financial too." You are living in a fantasy world filled with anger and frustration.

Advice:

Get into therapy.
Consult an attorney.
Get caregivers / overnight helpers.
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MiaMoor Jun 6, 2024
Agreed, except the last point.
Stop being a carer. Be a daughter and live your life.
Mum would have company and activities in a good care home. And she can afford a very good facility.
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Why not (discretely, without telling your sisters) use your mother’s money to pay for the care you are providing plus outside care? (same rate) That way you can save your sanity and your relationship. It’s a perfectly reasonable thing to do and will accomplish your goal by reducing the value of her estate. Although it is your mother’s estate and she can leave all her money towards piano lessons for flying squirrels, should she see fit.
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MiaMoor Jun 6, 2024
Never do anything discreetly. You could be accused of stealing and fraud, even elder abuse.
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There is no "inheritance" until your mom dies. Does she have some sort of trust fund set up for each child?

You were not forced into this situation, you chose to participate as well and your siblings choosing not to participate. They are not at fault here. If you are resentful of providing care or just cannot do it any longer use your mom's funds to take the weight off. Decide what you can do without resentment and do just that. Your mom needs to pay for everything else out of her own funds.
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People are deceived when trying to control everyone's life by the standard of what's fair.

Draw up a legal "Caregiver Agreement" so you can get paid now.

Then, spend Mom's money on Mom's care, Mom's needs, and Mom's wants.

There may not be any inheritance to divide in the end. However "fair" may seem to you or your siblings.

Stop talking to them about it, stop over-sharing.
Do your job as PoA.
And be sure to hire adequate help when you go out, or even take a week off.
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It’s your job as POA to see that your mom gets the care she needs……it’s not your job to decide who inherits what.

Let your mom pay for the extra care she needs and the inheritance gets spit however she decided before she got dementia.

There seems to be more to the story than what you’re stating if sisters were helping before.
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Sorry, no.

I think everyone here has a story or two about siblings who do nothing to help, yet are the first to demand to see checks from the will/trust being passed out.

Your siblings choice to not help has no bearing on how your parents may have written out their will.

My OB stole over $250K from my parents, essentially robbing them of their entire retirement slush fund. They had to sell the family home and lost so much on that. We didn't know he'd done this until the closing on their home when their realtor (my SIL) told us that they only had about $60K, instead of over $300K, which is what they had planned on.

And, of course, OB was left in the will, to receive 1/6th of practically nothing.

He died before mom did, so it was never an 'issue'--but it would have been SO galling to have to have handed over another cent to this grifter.

Being POA doesn't pay and being executor usually doesn't either.

First, however, all of mom's money should be going to care for mom. Period.

And you cannot force anyone into taking care of ANYONE. Life is not fair, and sadly, most of us have seen exactly this dynamic over and over again.
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CaringWifeAZ Jun 5, 2024
What is OB?
I've seen this before, and Acronyms are one of my pet peeves! I hate it when people talk in acronyms, and I have no idea what they mean!
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Lots of good information here. I just wanted to respond to your added note: if your mom cannot get out of the home on her own, the time for her to be left alone has passed. Use her funds to hire caregivers—as several people have stated, it is not an inheritance.
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Use your Mother's money (i.e. inheritance that your sisters have already spent in their own minds)....to care for your mother. That's what it's there for. This is a common theme around here, and I'm not saying that you are doing this, but it isn't uncommon for the adult children to be claiming the inheritance while their parent is still alive and kicking. Your mother could live another decade, and may need her entire estate to pay for her care if she does need to go to a facility.

In my family, my 92 year old FIL often talks about "leaving us the house", and I always gently remind him that the house, which is 80% of his remaining assets, is there to help care for him. I'm not sure if he does this because it is his wish to avoid going to an ALF or SNF down the road, but we can't make promises to him that those scenarios won't happen. It's his money....and it's fully available to care for him until he passes.
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Beatty Jun 6, 2024
Yup. I've started hearing the 'you kids will get the house' comment being added here & there.

That older generation seemed to have wired into them this big plan of buying property to hand down to the next generation.

I do not claim any monetory economic policy understanding... but do understand how war times & depression years of their youth/parent's youth could have shaped their aspirations.

But really, if more than one child, the property has to be sold when they pass, right? Funds divided. Even if one child, they may not wish to live there. Yet THE HOUSE becomes this big thing. Do NOT ever sell the house!

Property is a physical thing. Yet maybe also is a symbol of emotion. Of how hard they worked. Of their legacy. I get that & respect that.

But... it can also be used as the big manipulator. Oh yes!
If you come & look after me & the house, you'll get the house. Then it gets watered down for every tiny manipulation or even used as a threat.. You do xyz, or you WON'T get the house. I'll change my will...
Anyone got that yet?
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jules925: No, no funds can be given out of your mother's financials for inheritance purposes to your two sisters. Perhaps your mother should spend her money for managed care facility living. Ergo, your sanity is saved.
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At this point, inheritance is irrelevant. Your mother's money is to provide care for her. Nothing else!

As her POA it is your job to use her funds for her care.
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Beatty Jun 6, 2024
Agree.
Payment for required care is a CURRENT issue. Whereas inheritence is a FUTURE possibility.
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Oh my you are really taking on a lot of burden and responsibility.
I think you just needed to vent a little. Hope it felt good to get it out!

First: Hire round the clock help for your mom. It is your choice to stay there all day and night or not. And yes! Use mom's money to pay for it!
Her money is for her and does not belong to you or our sisters or anyone else until she dies, and hopefully has a will and executor to see that her assets are distributed as she wishes.
Second: Do not count on motivating or threatening your siblings into helping with mom's care, by using financial incentive. Frankly, if they don't wish to take on that responsibility, you don't want them doing it. And, they don't have to.
Just as you don't have to.

You can hire help, and still spend time with your mother, helping in some way, because it makes you feel good to be close with her.

I see so many people here vent about lack of help from family members. You can't make them, and you shouldn't expect them to help. And you should set your own limitations. You are not letting your mother down, and you are not obligated to do as much as you are, putting your life on hold.
I can see you really care about her. And you should continue to enjoy being there with her and helping her. But, you need help! And don't count on family to provide it! Use mom's money - she accumulated that much, she should have the benefit of the best care she can get!

I hope you post a follow up. Let us know how you're doing!
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Rbuser1 Jun 6, 2024
OB =older brother.
We use a lot of acronyms on the board.
You will find it helpful if you're here for very long.
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Hire overnight help . Sleep at your house. If mom has the funds it should absolutely go towards her care. You deserve a good night's sleep and a happy relationship, your sisters don't deserve a dime.
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No. The POA can’t change who gets what in the will.

However, the will only distributes assets* still owned by the will writer at the time of death. (* not including assets with pay on death beneficiaries or joint owners, which are distributed by required process.)

So, if the POA pays $150,000 for Mother’s needs from Mother’s funds during her lifetime, then the basic effect is that each of three heirs would receive 50,000 from the remaining 150,000.

Note that, depending on how the POA is written, or what state law is, the POA agent may be able to pay themselves compensation for POA work or caregiving work. The agent may also use the principal’s funds to pay for legal consultations and payroll services to make sure everything is done appropriately.

So, it is entirely possible that the POA/caregiver could be paid 50,000 and use 100,000 to delegate tasks to additional caregivers and housekeeping or home maintenance providers or to substitute convenience foods and other supplies for more labor intensive products.

The effect is that the non-caregivers end up with less, while the caregiver can balance delegating vs hands on work and get the same or more.

However, there is no guarantee that anyone will get any inheritance; many experience significant decline in function over time that uses all funds, followed by a prolonged Medicaid covered stay. Funds paid out appropriately before that are part of the allowed Medicaid spend down. (Yes. Get good legal advice on Medicaid spend down.)

So, there is a scenario where the POA/caregiver ends up with 100,000 and the others get their share of zero.
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All the inheritance may be in the house. Everyone talks about using her funds to pay for caregiving. What if the funds are not accessible until the house is sold after parent passes.
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Reply to Kmazz923
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