Hello all. I was a caregiver of my mother and father for 20 years. The first 10 years I lived outside the US but took every vacation to come home and help out and was actually able to arrange to work from my hometown some so that I could stay and help look after my parents. That situation cost me my long-term relationship, led to taking a loss when selling my home and eventually moving back to the US. Two months after I arrived which I thought could be a temporary situation, my father fell and broke his hip. My mother was in a wheelchair from a massive stroke that she had had in 2000. I then with the help of a rotation of sitters became their full-time guardians, financial planner, yard person, health care advocate, and anything else you can possibly imagine.
My mother died in 2012 and my father was put on the hospice in December 2019. He passed peacefully in his sleep in January 2020. The last three months of his illness were emotionally draining. He was constantly calling out for help and trying to physically escape the evitabile by constantly trying to climb out of the bed. He was always made as comfortable as possible. I was able to maintain my promise and keep him at home until the end.
In the past and particular after a long business trip that took me to China, I started experiencing about every year some intestinal issues that were cleared up after some antibiotics and rest.
During that last three months of my father’s illness, I started to have some intestinal issues but I was so busy looking after his situation and maintaining a full time job, two households, a full time relationship so I pushed it aside. However once the funeral was over and the new normal set in I was able to finally focus on myself and realize that the intestinal issues hadn’t resolved themself.
I did go to the doctor and they started a treatment for IBS which has provided some relief but not all and I have a follow up appointment on Thursday.
After dedicating 20 years to my parents, my greatest fear was always to get to the end and then find myself with some life-threatening disease that would not leave give me any time to enjoy my own life. All the blood work that was taken during my physical and my other exams have all turned out fine but the uneasiness and fear continues.
So to my question...did anyone else start experiencing health issues after the passing of your loved one that you were caring for that you found were attributable to stress? Part of me honestly thinks that this is all due to the incredible stress that I have been under for so long. I’ve also experienced the loss of my brother (who was no help with my parents and created only anguish) in April of last year, the loss of a dear cousin in September of last year, the death of my father in January and 2 days later the death of his niece.
It’s been a long 20 years, my friends. Thanks for listening and I welcome any comments.
Still, yes....., it is very normal to experience intestinal stress after someone dies for any reason. It is very common.
Whether you loved the person or hated them, their death affects the "gut brain connection", often causing cramping, and pain.
Also, when someone close to us dies, it increases our own anxiety about death. It's normal and human for that to happen.
I am glad you had medical tests to rule out anything serious. That is the best thing to do to ease your mind.
Stress apparently exacerbates ulcerative colitis, diverticulosis and diverticulitis. But if these have been ruled out, then your abdominal pain is purely due to stress.
Even if you do turn out to have those above disorders, a lot of people have the above disorders but can live a very long life with them. Dietary changes may help as well as yoga, exercise and meditation.
Actually, most people as they age have some types of intestinal issues or irritable bowel disorder.
Here is a link to a helpful article:
https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/study-says-aggressive-treatment-for-diverticulitis-is-often-overused-201401156978
And another:
https://adaa.org/learn-from-us/from-the-experts/blog-posts/consumer/how-calm-anxious-stomach-brain-gut-connection
Lastly, if you have gained weight in your abdomen, that, too, can cause pressure and pain in the intestinal area. So, losing any belly fat gained due to stress, may help.
I have just past my first ten years but my journey caring for a parent is not over. I still care for my Mom. I lost my Daddy in Oct 2020. He died peacefully at home however the challenges before that left me exhausted and a mess physically and mentally.
My Mom is nowhere near what I went through with Daddy but still needs 24/7 care at home.
I also work fulltime, manage two homes, and would literally run from one home to another so as not to neglect my husband or my home.
I have siblings like others do but not willing to give up or make changes in their lifestyle to take care of Mom and Dad.
One thing that happened to me after Dad passed on is that I got stronger. I have stepped away from some responsibilities for Mom to spend more time with my husband, child, and grandchildren.
Like I mentioned earlier, Mom does not require the care Dad needed. I will be there when she does.
The intestinal issues for me started once my grieving for Dad subsided some. I'm glad you decided to go to the doctor. Stress can literally kill you.
I don't require perscribed meds, at least not yet, but do search for relieve of my symptoms. I was told by a massage therapist (who specializes in sports injuries) that the continuous stress makes your muscles so tight, during a long period of time, that in certain areas in your body where they overlap can stick together. That can effect how they work but also effect how your whole body works. It can literally affect your organs, digestive tract, make you feel like you are having a heart attack etc.
My first deep tissue massage after so many years was painful however I realize how much I had neglected my body. After a few days of soreness I felt a whole lot better and felt the relief in my body. I also keep an eye on what I eat so I know what triggers the digestive issues. I walk more, hike more, and keep myself busy with yard and home chores because that relaxes me. Not everyone tolerates Apple Cider Vinegar every am (2 teaspoons in 8 oz of water, hold your breath if it makes nauseated) really helps, at least for me.
My issues have not totally gone away but I can manage it better. I know that if I don't, it will lead to something more serious.
Caregiving can leave you wounded. Give yourself time to heal and recover. You are worth it!
GOD BLESS!
During the last 3 months of my daddy’s illness I did purchase two deep massages and have already gone to 1 right after he died and have another one on Tuesday. They are HEAVEN.
I went for a check up yesterday and the doctor said no wonder I’m having issues and prescribed a 1 month “wash” of famotidine. I already feel like a different person. I worked in my dads yard today and got up 10 huge bags of leaves and hauled them to the street and enjoyed every minute of it. To me, it’s relaxing.
I, too, take apple cider vinegar every morning and have for years but did get lax with that during the last months of my dad’s illness.
thanks for your comments. I wish you peace and good health.
I can sympathize with you as I lost my mom on Christmas day, 2018 and my dad recently broke his arm while going to visit my mom (his beloved bride of 58.5 years) at the cemetery. Right before surgery for his broken arm, he suffered a heart attack. He's been in the hospital and a Rehab. Facility for over 6 weeks now.
While he was in the hospital early one morning, I went to visit him and got really tired, nauseous and couldn't get a deep cleansing breath. I told him I had to go get some blood work (not exactly a lie) and went immediately to Urgent Care. They sent me to the hospital with a possible blood clot in my lungs after some blood work came back positive. (It's ironic because we were in the same hospital...just different floors and he never knew).
To make a long story short...they feel it was mostly due to the tremendous stress I was enduring. Now, there still may be a cause for concern but, I haven't had a chance to get more tests as I'm dealing with my dad and his issues currently.
Point being---stress can do unbelievable things to your body. You have been through a tremendous ordeal with all those illnesses and death. It's no wonder you are feeling like you are. I totally understand what you are going through and your feelings are normal.
If you are having "uneasiness and fear", would you consider counseling? It may be worth the time and money invested. If it doesn't work, you tried, right?
I'm here if you ever want to talk.
My wishes and prayers are going out to you that all will be fine and you will find peace.
I wish you all the best and wish for you peace and good health.
I wish you all the best.
I wish you all the best!
Please take care of yourself. I wish you all the best.
The next phase though, dementia started gripping HARD. I was still trying to work and take care if her and as soon as I left the house, she would let any stranger with any sob story in. She cried and screamed we were keeping her isolated from her friends---which ones? The ones that stole grandmother's jewelry, your medications or your purse?
Someone had to be there 100% of the time, and I'd move the sofa in front of the door so she couldn't run out at night.
All the physical care took its toll. I broke my back. Surgery 1, 2, 3 times now (just got out of the hospital yesterday) and during the worst of the dementia phase my foot was hung in her hospital bed, so I'd told her careful, while I extracted my foot. Instead, she thought it would be funny to permanently put me bedridden myself. Fractured my foot and ALMOST amputated the 5th dight.
Aaccording to the podiatrist, I'm going to always need a hard sole boot.
C fell into the situation of made too much for Medicaid, was about a grand short of the cheapest residency placement in the area. She had a state pension on top of her social security.
After her death I tracked through paperwork and discovered dementia (and people stealing from her) started in late 2011. A huge chunk was contractors, nurses and family. But when she had still been in her 60s there were no outward signs of anything mentally amis. In hindsight, I was in no way, shape, or form capable of the task. But she never married, had no kids and our next relative is in their 70s.
I haven't even gotten to the worst part yet.
HOSPICE. Her hospice nurses had let her smoke and she was unable to expel co2 at all from my understanding.
For over 2 days they had me giving her morphine. She'd never woken up after they let her smoke.
And then you get to sit Shiva with a dead body until they find time for collection.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I wish you all the very best.
I feel your anguish and sorrow. So much of your story is mine and I won’t rehearse it. Suffice it to say, God bless you for all you’ve done for your parents over the years. Maintaining their sense of dignity and respect. Pushing through even beyond your breaking point. You continued, often without encouragement or help from family. Now take care of you, as you did them. Find yourself, again and do you. Be positive. Smile, read, look, laugh, pray...repeat.
My 92 year old mom is yet living and she is doing better than I am. My health issues came about while caring for her. I do understand.
I cannot speak to what happens when caregiving is over as I am at the beginning. But I did live through some extremely awful times earlier in life that resulted in IBS. I was in the ER twice for what I thought were heart attacks, turns out it was excessive acid and burns in my throat from the excessive acid. My life and stress had short circuited my body. I was put on high doses of Prevacid to turn off the acid production and Ativan for anxiety. And the GI cocktails helped the burns in my throat. It took several years to recover but I did, no more IBS or other acid problems, and with diet modification and a divorce 😉 I am much better. That was 20 years ago. See an Internal Medicine doc, they can help you. You’re a strong person, I can tell, you got this!! 👍🍀
I wish you all the best.
thank you for your answer.
Regarding your comment about a bucket list, two years ago I started studying American Sign Language and it has been a fascinating journey. Who knows, one day I may be good enough to actually provide a service to someone!
Thank you for your sweet comments.
One of my gym friends (who also went through some of these issues) noted that it's like you've been climbing a mountain for a long time to sustain "where" you had to keep yourself to take care of your loved one for such a long time. Their passing throws you off a cliff...and you can't expect that you'll just dust yourself off, stand up, and climb easily back to the point of feeling good again. It will take time, I'm learning. I'm right there with you. Keep up with the physical activity, socialize to the extent you can, work at getting back to some sense of normalcy when you feel you can...but give yourself the gift of time to heal. Don't be discouraged with the "bad days" - everyone has them, ours feel a little more intense at present. And stay in touch here. This forum is a wonderful place to come. Big hugs!
Rest my friend. Take it easy, start to travel and try to let it go. Morn when you need to and don’t hold on to it. I found that morning is what is needed to move on. Lots of hugs to you.
Outdoor activity, especially gardening, hiking, backpacking or other activity by which people interact with nature, as opposed to contemporary society (traffic jams, crazy drivers, texting, online gaming, etc.) have proven to be very relaxing, diversionary, and helpful.
Good article from a backpacking forum:
https://backpackinglight.com/nature-therapy-backcountry-mindfulness-wellness/
(hint: if you open the link in IE, the photos are deleted. Edge shows them though.)
The concept of "forest bathing" is one that addresses communion with nature, and is becoming more broadly known in the outdoor communities:
https://time.com/5259602/japanese-forest-bathing/
My sister and I discovered this decades ago, probably when we were both teenagers and visited Mackinac Island. We found and spent some time in a forest scented with the odor of pine; we were surrounded by greenery and felt as if we were living a Green Mansions life.
FreqFlyer and GDaughter also addressed issues related to the stress of caregiving, the sometimes rapid response required, the acclimation to it, and the sometimes abrupt cessation when someone dies.
I think that phenomenon and related issues are why caregiving needs to be addressed by the medical, psychological, and psychiatric communities as a form of PTSD (now PTSS - syndrome as opposed to "disorder").
While helping my parents I developed breast cancer and there were no markers, and my surgeon said she was seeing more and more cases like this, where stress was the major factor. And silly me, I never told my parents about my cancer as I didn't want to worry them..... huge mistake.
My parents have since passed and I am still looking over my shoulder wondering if the cancer would come back. Since I had to drive my folks all over hill and dale, using their car [yes, my father's Oldsmobile], I developed major panic attacks while driving. Heavens, a senior [me 65+] driving much older seniors in a car that I really hated [my Mom wasn't able to climb up into my Jeep]. Those panic attacks are still alive and well, even with meds :P
Before my parents started to need help, I was doing pretty good, was a gym rat :) Sig other and I could easily hike 20 miles in a weekend. Today, I can't even hike around the block. That 7 years took a major toll on my health.
My bucket list is now a thimble.
I did make myself go to the gym throughout and try to take care of myself but it was hard.
Slowly I’m coming out of my tummy issues but it will probably always be my weak point.
i wish you peace and good health.
ill be curious to see if I have future flare ups and map possible triggers.
thank you for your comments
Before that, she just kept pushing through, because she "had" to.
I'm fairly confident that you will get your health issues straightened out and be able to enjoy your life!!
Thank you for your kind words. I wish you all the best.