Hospice called Thursday night saying the live-in-sibling wants to now remove mom from hospice. Saying mom had blood showing up when going potty. Her stomach was swelling up off and on for no reason at all. Saying mom was running a fever off and on. Said mom didn’t want anyone to touch her at the navel area. The nurse told me a visit was made but at that point only saw a trace of blood but really no sign of constipation this time and hemorrhoids was a maybe. Nurse stated sibling was not agreeable and demanded test such as an ultrasound. My family was already set to visit on Friday but we hate going at this point due to live-in-sibling and the aids who are acting just as crazy but it is not because we have done anything to them.
Come Friday morning, the social worker called and said again get mom into a nursing home. Saying you can’t talk to live-in-sibling because they (the live-in) know more than the nurses/everyone and really is not capable of caring for anyone. Stressing again that live in sibling wants mom off hospice. I told social worker if other siblings want to see that happen, I would do the discharge since I signed both parents up in the beginning and it is like me against seven other siblings. Needless to say, siblings went with live-in-sibling so I did the discharge.
I scheduled mom a video doc visit with the primary doctor she use to be under before going on hospice. So the video call took place and from there the symptoms got exaggerated to the point of the doc saying carry mom to emergency room immediately. So live-in-sibling called the aid to come back (you'll see why below). While getting mom dressed in restroom, I could tell mom had done the due and asked aid not to flush so I could see. The aid ignored me. By then the live-in-sibling came in and told me to help the aid. I told her no because she tells aids not to interact with me. I stood aside. As soon as the aid went to pulling up mom’s pull-up she was snatching, so when she went to pull up her pants I asked her to go easy. She ignored me and so I pushed her hands off mom as she was snatching on the pants. She shoved the wheelchair against the tub and stormed out.
By then the live-in-sibling went to demanding I was the one to leave out and that I am not to go in with the aids when they're interacting with mom. I told sibling to get over it and that mom was my mom as well. She kept trying to be a () not wanting me or husband to help get wheelchair out the restroom. Saying mom is her responsibility and that’s her job. By that time, I was truly ticked and was about to do more than talk when husband came in and man handled me back. I was furious.
Dad heard the commotion and went to crying. Mom started crying saying she wanted her baby daughter with her (me). Saying she be wanting to see me. I explained to mom and dad again why we don't come often. Every time we visit, sibling acts crazy and the aids leave. The employer upholds the sibling and aids in wrong doing.
My teens and husband do not want me to visit alone for fear of sibling and aids jumping on me gang style. So I’ve started to think on staying away permanently.
PS: Again, as soon as we arrived, the aid took off. I mean we only drove up. Dad asked where aid was going and live-in-sibling said lunch. Well lunch lasted three hours. Funny thing is lunch always happen upon my family’s arrival. What is that?
What would you do if this was happening? Would you consider no longer visiting your parents if it is causing your immediate family unpleasant visits and your parents grief?
Whoever is your mom's medical PoA is the one who should be advocating for what mom wants, if mom isn't cognitively compromised. Is your mom able to voice her desires freely? Are those desires carried out by the PoA? If no one has durable PoA for your mom/parents, this will make a difficult caregiving arrangement needlessly more difficult and stressful. If your mom has her mental faculties, and if you (and hopefully another sibling or 2) believe she is not getting appropriate care and her desires aren't been respected, then your your mom can legally create a new durable PoA naming whoever she wishes (and it can be more than 1 person). With so many siblings in the family, being transparent and a good communicator will be essential so that no one can question motives. Please write back to clarify if your mom has a PoA, who is the PoA and whether your mom has ever been diagnosed with any cognitive decline. I wish all the best for your mom!
I am just tired of the ugliness. It's not like we come every week or daily. But when we do, it's always a big deal starting off with the aides hot wheeling out of the driveway. Then if they don't do that, they are staring at me the entire time of trying to interact with mom. I'm the television. I'm it.
A close friend, more like a sister, said maybe just go and sit. Don't bring a treat, don't bring lunch, don't offer water, don't talk, and don’t do anything. Just sit beside my mom. Cut visits to thirty minutes was also suggested. It takes forty-five minutes to get there. To sit for thirty minutes, I may as well not go.
I hate putting them through this. I don't even want to go on Mother’s Day this year. I'm truly thinking to stop all visits. But was open to suggestions if anyone could picture themselves in my shoes.
And then one day, if you really want to dive deeper into this, arrange ahead of a visit to have an appointment with a lawyer, take dad for a drive, saying nothing, and if it’s what he wants have him visit the lawyer and draw up documents for POA and a will if he doesn’t have one. No need to discuss with sibling, it’s dad’s document and his choice.
Rarely, all the siblings and their spouses agree on all caregiving decisions, but more often than not, they don't. I'm so sorry for this turbulent and hurtful ongoing situation. Is there any chance for a family video conference? Are there any siblings you can confer with and ask what the hostility is all about? Could it be a misunderstanding that has gotten blown out of proportion? Have you ever gotten along with these siblings, and if so, when did the falling outs happen? Again, my thoughts are with you; please update us and let us know how things are evolving. Gretchen
I would not expose myself to this group of grifters; eventually they will push you in some way and expose you to legal action. I wouldn't put myself in that position.
I will try to just make contact by phone and see if I can get my emotions to fall in line not seeing my parents in person. Life changes so quickly.
You have continued to be involved and I can't see from what you are writing that it is accomplishing anything good for your parents or for you or for anyone else. It continues the discord within the family and in your life. I know your intentions are good, but good intentions that cannot translate into good action are of no value. As well as not accomplishing anything good your involvement is harming you, at the very least and continuing this unhealthy game - the triangulation that Barb wrote about.
I know letting go of family, especially vulnerable adults, is difficult. Perhaps it would be wise for you to seek some counselling for yourself to help you with this. Honestly I can't see anything positive coming out of this. I gather you are handling their bills, but without financial POA you have no authority there. This is a very bad position to put yourself in. Please get some professional help, emotional and financial, to find a good path out of this. ((((((hugs)))))
Stepping aside seems like the only sane thing to do.
I would contact hospice and tell them that you are backing out of being there at all; ask again for them to contact APS.
One responded in fear saying those people aren't coming out when called and they're not doing their jobs. I knew immediately where the wrong info was coming from. Hospice was great at their jobs and even came out early morning and almost graveyard night. The other sibling went to babbling a tune of some sort and I said you're being rude.
Spouse was like this is a losing battle. You do not have the support of one sibling. Let's go do the discharge. Hospice said I had to do the discharge since I signed them up and I did the same day.
The social worker of hospice did tell me they would see if the live-in would call back after the hospital visit. So guessing that did not happen. I will call hospice again and ask them to contact APS.
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