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Caregiving is very lonely. This website is good for you because everyone who is here knows more about your feelings than your closest friend or relative. They are in the trenchs with you. You can be in a room full of people but you feel alone and you will soon be alone because everyone of them can walk out the door and go on with their lives. You can't! Stay with us here, you will learn a lot, cry a lot, laugh a lot and most importantly live a little for a little time each day. There are some wonderful, caring people to talk to when you need them!
I agree with that statement that friends don't know, and i am seeing that there are many in the trenches with me, and we fight a fight, of choice, but like a boxer after all is said and done, we stand alone in the ring fighting a fight for our love ones, so they can get a better life, and we do this by giving our life in exchange, I'm not going anywhere the selfless people that i have read about have impressed me to no end, and your honesty is so heart felt that i would be stupid to go. They are heavy weights here, the strongest of strong, but with the softies hearts you can find. But we do fight, in that there is no doubt. I stand alone but in a battlefield of many and we all hold our ground as best we can, thank you ginger123 and may God Bless you and keep you strong and cool, and of course keep punching p.s. I am learning to live a little in between rounds growing stronger with each bout, and trying to keep the heart as soft as I can...see ya .
Good attitude, Fernando!! At the end of the day, we may have felt lonely, but there will be a huge relief and satisfaction with no regrets. You and I are not alone here. Stay close to those who know.
Fernando, I think many of us can relate to your thoughts about feeling alone. And for good reason.
We are doing things we've never had to do before, often solo, and no one really understands who hasn't been there. Even spouses or siblings, who may/may not share in the caregiving, don't experience as we do, and view it from a different perspective. Long distance siblings and friends and family aren't able to share our concerns or burdens, except peripherally. No amount of conversation can bridge the gap entirely.
I think of our loved ones, who must feel a variety of emotions, while losing their spouse or independence, or suddenly being cared for by a friend or family member when they can no longer adequately care for themselves. How can we communicate our mixed emotions, grief over the losses, and separate perspectives? It must feel just as lonely to them, even though they are with us every day. They are losing the abilities to care for themselves, and cannot share that experience with those of us who have entered into the realm of caregiver, sometimes by default.
Each of us, in our own way, experience lonliness. A son or daughter who has to make decisions they never imagined, often against the desires and wishes of siblings, and sometimes against a cognitively declining loved one. And even when we think we have their best interests at heart, sometimes our ideas collide with those of others, including the one we are caring for. Often there are no clear cut answers, and each situation is different. Who can guide us? Yes, it definitely does feel lonely at times.
Those of us here on this site are reaching out for answers and comraderie. We may understand another, in part, but each person and situation is different, just as in every facet of life. We ultimately are alone, to think, feel, and experience. But there is one who knows, sees and understands all, and is our hope. Humans and emotions may fail us, but there is one who once also felt lonely, who can now guide and comfort us. We don't have to be lonely if we have faith in the one who truly sees and understands. Our help is only a prayer away. I hope this helps. Just know, it may feel lonely, but you are not alone, and someone is praying for you. Take care!
I have always been a firm believer in the saying, "Wherever you go, there you are." Who we are and how we are as individuals will always shine through no matter where we are or what the circumstance. So whether we move across the country or join a group or gather with friends once a week or never leave the house for a month -how we choose to act, react, and be - especially when no one is watching - is our true character. Lots of people feel alone and lonely - people who are married with a house full of kids, people who socialize a lot, people who are in a crowded room - so we are not alone in that feeling. People who are not caregivers feel alone. If you are married, do you feel like you are giving up a life of singledom and missing out? If you choose to be single, do you feel like you are not living a full life because you are not married? Why do so many caregivers feel like there is a life "outside there" somewhere - when we do have lives? Is "having a life" only defined as being able to venture to the store when we want? I don't think the grass is greener on the other side, I think it just sometimes appears that way. Our life is right now, in this moment. And it's a wonderful life. We are making a difference. We are making life better for someone else. When I feel alone and lonely and sad or confused I try to imagine the challenges and the difficulties and the feelings the people we are caring for must feel - how THEIR lives have changed - how they must feel so unable to do whatever they want, when they want - how alone they must feel having to wait for someone to bring them food, their medications, change them, reposition them, transfer them out of bed, bathe them. Know what I mean? If I put myself in someone else's shoes, in the person's shoes that I am caring for, as always - it makes me kinder, more patient, more loving. I have never known anyone that has never felt alone or misunderstood or lonely. I think that is part of human nature. It's ok to feel alone for a moment. It doesn't define you. It's like when people say, "I had a bad day." I always wonder, was it really an entirely bad day? or a few hours or a few minutes of day that weren't so great? Before you became a caregiver, did you ever feel alone at times? I know I have. I also know that I am exactly where I want to be and where I am supposed to be. With God at the helm, I know storms will pass and the sun will come out in the morning.
Thank you secretSister and Caregiver101 your understanding of the feelings that a care giver has humbles me, because it go's beyond me and shows me a place to better stand within my mindset, to see through your eyes gives me a better picture through mine. To see such faith shining through both your hearts is a privilege to me, that Blesses me beyond words. When i first found this site some one said that they believed that caregivers were angels in disguise, i know were not angels, but some are very good examples of what one should be like, your words were without doubt Holy Spirit let, so i thank Him as i thank you both. Sometimes one can forget that there is a bigger hand dealing the cards being dealt, and i to believe that i am exactly where i am suppose to be. because i trust Him, that has me here. I call that Faith in my heart, and it's an honor to see it in both your hearts. so thank you, and may His strength continue to keep you both and all our spirits strong in each of our journeys. For as you have said we each have different paths, but they all lead home. God Bless. Fernando
At first I did not feel alone, as we were in an apartment building with assisted living. However, when we moved to be closer to my sister in North Dakota, I made the mistake of not finding a place with assisted living. When we moved to North Dakota, my sister promised she would be there to help out. Then she started having health problems and had to have back surgery, plus she is working 60 hours a week as a doctor. Now it is all over, mom fell too many times in the apartment and was starting to get disoriented and now she is in a nursing home and it unhappy about it. Don't be lured by promises family members make to help out, and don't do what I did, I was lured by the brand new apartment with two baths and new appliances when I should have been thinking about whether I would have the help available that I would need in taking care of her. Talk about feeling alone now, I really miss mom and the times we had together in a smaller place now, when I go to visit all I here is complaining and anger about being in the nursing home.
Imw124 i can only imagine that you would be feeling the lose of your mum, friend, and companion, that you would have spent many a nights talking and drinking coffees together, but she is being looked after. it sounds like you did the best you could and nothing more you can ask of your self than that. Now it's time to enjoy, or better said learn to enjoy your own company, find same interest that you can enjoy, go for a walk, breath in same fresh air, read a good book, go to the movies, improve your frame of mine, so that when you visit your mum, your attitude shines on her and she can feel your love warming her in a place she obviously does not like. Being alone is not the worst thing that can happen, beating ones self up because theirs no one around is, I'm no saying you do, but some have let the heaviness of loneliness crush them, and allowed depression to move in, and live with that as your companion is the worst of the worst, but there is always hope, while there air in ones lungs. We all have a set destiny, your time of that time has being spent, allow the time that is now, to be enjoyed, as a new time to spend. We never stop learning God set it that way. And there always a new day to enjoy, after this ones come and gone. God bless you and keep you strong in the days ahead
That was beautifully put, Fernando. God bless both of you, and every Caregiver, and we all struggle with these emotions from time to time. Thanks for being here. Grace and peace to you.
Thank you SecretSister your words lift my heart, and give peace to my soul, may Gods peace and Grace be on you, and all the caregivers that give of them selves through the storms of life. God Bless, and strength to all.
You know, as I look at our common situations, I realize that we are all very blessed to have our loved one with us in whatever capacity it may be. I have several friends whose mother or father passed away when they were very young and they have never known a relationship with them. There is nothing like the love of a mother. It knows no bounds. That is part of the reason I care for my mother at home. She has loved me thru dirty diapers, drool, terrible twos, the dreaded teen years, and as an adult who didn't always please her. It isn't always easy but maybe we are truly blessed to be able to repay a small part of what they gave us.
What makes me feel alone is caring for an elderly father who has always focused on himself and his needs, having a sibling who doesn't want to hear about anything going on with Dad and I but wants to talk about herself for an hour or so, and adult children who are very busy with their own lives. So, although there are family members in my life, I really have no where to vent other than an occasional forum or in a journal. Although both of those options are helpful, it's not the same as hearing someone's voice and having instant feedback and support. I really appreciate all of the support given here. Caregiving can be lonely, but we need to at least try to reach out for support in whatever form that takes. Thanks to all of you are supporting one another.
Dear BoomerGal, your thoughts are so well written, and perfectly encapsulate the heart of the matter. I thoroughly relate to your observations and experience. If we could see the unseen in our personal sphere, we probably often entertain angels unawares, sent to guide and comfort. This site is one example of those who understand and encourage with empathy and compassion, and are truly gifts from God. Thanks to you, as well.
Thank you ginger123 you are so right when you say a mothers love has no bounds, and that we that are bless with a loving mother should appreciate that. I guess we forget at times when stress is pressing and were going through same kind of storm. A friend once told me that a mother can in her life bring up 7 kid but a the end 7 kids can't care for one mother, and that is very sad. So thank you for we all need to be reminded from time to time. And BoomerGal it is hard work when so many are near, and so little help is offered, my heart go's out to you, but we all do what we know is right because of no other reason, then it's right. And at times that road is the roughest to us that feel at times weakened by the journey. But they say that love is the greatest power of them all, and we travel the path set before us with this at times as our sole strengthener, and as the beatles once put it "love is all you need". So to all the care givers of the world God's love that lives in each and every one of our hearts is stronger than anything the world can throw at us, but we need to be remind from time to time, so thank you for showing me that love! in what I read about in the many stories of love that fill this site. May God continue to Bless and keep you all,or betters said all of us strong, for I need His strength just as much as you all. Peace.
I feel the same way. My husband had a stroke on Feb 15,09 and his speech, cognitive thinking, right side weakness, were all affected. I have lost my best friend. Life is not fair!
You hang in there joyr85, same times we need to go beyond ourselves in order to grow stronger than we ever thought possible and in doing so, we not only strengthen ourselves but also the one we love so dearly. And your right life's not fair God Bless and may He keep you strong!
I found this topic and knew that I had come home. I am so lonely and depressed that even coming here and writing this note is an effort. For the past 5 years my entire life has been caring for others. My parents moved in and the my father got sick and died last January. On January 7th, my mother fell and broke 2 ribs. She was in the hospital for 10 days, then a rehab center until this past Saturday when she came home. She now can hardly walk and need "constant" care. On top of that I take care of two grandchildren at least 4 or 5 days a week. I love them all and know that my taking care of my mother is the right thing to do. But I'm afraid all the time, anxious, tired. I know that someone above wrote that when you feel like you don't have a life, realize that you do, that this is your life. My father was 95 when he died; my mother is 89 and I am blessed to have had them this long. I so need advice about how to feel alive, how to feel some sense of the rest of the world. Even when I take a few minutes to be away from my mother, I find I am always thinking about her and caring for her. I am constantly worried. I can't disconnect and don't know how to put my life in balance. Even when she was in the rehab center I spent at least 8 hours a day there. My husband and daughter respect what I am doing, but they are frustrated, too. Please help. I am so in need of advice and people I can talk to.
Caregiving can be the most glorious experience as well as the most isolating one. It is when you discover as much about yourself as the person you are trying to care for each day. I would suggest that you write to us frequently if you can. I have found several people that I may write to when I am at my lowest. This is also the time that I have found several hobbies and have worked on becoming better at them. I send out cards and letters to other people on a regular basis. Above all, I container garden just to see things change and grow. These interests do not have to be your interests, but find some. It truly helps. My mother helps me and has helped me with my knitting even though her hands shake too much to knit sometimes. My religious beliefs are very important to me and a daily help. I have friends that will stay with mother,if needed, while I go to one service and they go to another that is later. People want to help but need to be asked ,also. I wish you the very best and hope you will contact me. Rebecca
i am so sorry Rachel you feel so bad, i wish people like you could see just what a wonderful soul you, and what a difference you make in the life's of those you tough. i am a sol carer of my elderly parents and i do fight those feelings every day. so i know. and Rebecca you are so right we do discover just how weak BUT also just how strong we can be. in our weakness, we learn to be stronger and we do. i read that courage is not the absence of fear, but the controlling of it. God Bless every carer you all sure do deserve it. Fernando.
I have been helping to care for my mother for 11 years now. Thinking about all that has gone down, I will blow my own brains out before I put either of my children through this!
John - I say the same thing, secretly wishing someone would care for me the way I cared for my dad. Yes, I was lonely. Yes, I was physically and mentally exhausted. Yes, I wanted to blow MY brains out many times. But now that dad is gone, I know the gift he gave me, I know the gift I gave him. I miss him terribly and yet am so thankful that I can finally rest and go on to live my own life. Had it not been for this site, I would have felt totally alone. But here I found those that understood, those that were awake the same hours as I, those that truly knew the challenges that are faced day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute when you're a caregiver. But I will tell you, growing, that now that I am on the other side, I don't regret one minute. In fact, I am so very glad that I was able to give my dad the one wish he had - to be in his own home. Hang in there. Hang out here. There are alot of wonderful people here that will become your best friends. Hugs to you, Kuli
You know, I think care givers feel alone because they often are alone. So many of us take care of parents or loved ones who don't relate to the world we live in. After a while we don't relate to the world we use to live in. It's not a part of our lives any more. We just keep taking care and we become more isolated.
Our parents/loved ones don't seem to understand what we give up to care for them and it's not like we want them to feel they are a huge burden to us, but sometimes we wonder if they consider what their lives would be like if we were not there for them. Sometimes we wonder if they realize what we are missing in our lives in order to take care of them. Many of them just seem to take it for granted that we will always do for them.
Many of us have husbands, children and grandchildren. We love these people and their connection with life, but we can't tend to them and that part of our life they represent because our time is so limited.
There is nothing spontaneous about a care giver's life. Your grown child can't call and say, "Hey, you and dad want to meet us for dinner tonight." I mean, yes they can call, but you can't go and, of course, they know that. Taking a trip to visit family, your grandchildren who you love, is like planning a trip to Europe. It's takes a lot of planning and it's expensive.
Yes, what we do is good, but it is lonely. We miss out on a lot of life and sometimes we can't make up for the time we spent care giving because we or our spouse become ill.
I'm not knocking being a care giver. I'm just offering an answer to the question that was posted.
My heart and best regards go out to all who care for loved ones. Cattails.
Thanks to Fernando and Linda, I am in the same boat and think the same you do, although I also have back and neck problems. I try not to let them stand in the way when it comes to help my mom, but yes it is very consuming. But I only have one mom, my dad passed away 15 years ago and my brothers are abroad. thanks to God I am single and can give all my time to her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
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We are doing things we've never had to do before, often solo, and no one really understands who hasn't been there. Even spouses or siblings, who may/may not share in the caregiving, don't experience as we do, and view it from a different perspective. Long distance siblings and friends and family aren't able to share our concerns or burdens, except peripherally. No amount of conversation can bridge the gap entirely.
I think of our loved ones, who must feel a variety of emotions, while losing their spouse or independence, or suddenly being cared for by a friend or family member when they can no longer adequately care for themselves. How can we communicate our mixed emotions, grief over the losses, and separate perspectives? It must feel just as lonely to them, even though they are with us every day. They are losing the abilities to care for themselves, and cannot share that experience with those of us who have entered into the realm of caregiver, sometimes by default.
Each of us, in our own way, experience lonliness. A son or daughter who has to make decisions they never imagined, often against the desires and wishes of siblings, and sometimes against a cognitively declining loved one. And even when we think we have their best interests at heart, sometimes our ideas collide with those of others, including the one we are caring for. Often there are no clear cut answers, and each situation is different. Who can guide us? Yes, it definitely does feel lonely at times.
Those of us here on this site are reaching out for answers and comraderie. We may understand another, in part, but each person and situation is different, just as in every facet of life. We ultimately are alone, to think, feel, and experience. But there is one who knows, sees and understands all, and is our hope. Humans and emotions may fail us, but there is one who once also felt lonely, who can now guide and comfort us. We don't have to be lonely if we have faith in the one who truly sees and understands. Our help is only a prayer away. I hope this helps. Just know, it may feel lonely, but you are not alone, and someone is praying for you. Take care!
God Bless. Fernando
God Bless and may He keep you strong!
You can give without loving, but you can not love without giving. We love, therefore we give.
i am a sol carer of my elderly parents and i do fight those feelings every day. so i know. and Rebecca you are so right we do discover just how weak BUT also just how strong we can be. in our weakness, we learn to be stronger and we do.
i read that courage is not the absence of fear, but the controlling of it.
God Bless every carer you all sure do deserve it.
Fernando.
Our parents/loved ones don't seem to understand what we give up to care for them and it's not like we want them to feel they are a huge burden to us, but sometimes we wonder if they consider what their lives would be like if we were not there for them. Sometimes we wonder if they realize what we are missing in our lives in order to take care of them. Many of them just seem to take it for granted that we will always do for them.
Many of us have husbands, children and grandchildren. We love these people and their connection with life, but we can't tend to them and that part of our life they represent because our time is so limited.
There is nothing spontaneous about a care giver's life. Your grown child can't call and say, "Hey, you and dad want to meet us for dinner tonight." I mean, yes they can call, but you can't go and, of course, they know that. Taking a trip to visit family, your grandchildren who you love, is like planning a trip to Europe. It's takes a lot of planning and it's expensive.
Yes, what we do is good, but it is lonely. We miss out on a lot of life and sometimes we can't make up for the time we spent care giving because we or our spouse become ill.
I'm not knocking being a care giver. I'm just offering an answer to the question that was posted.
My heart and best regards go out to all who care for loved ones. Cattails.