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My mother has medical issues (stemming from an unhealthy lifestyle and a refusal to listen to her doctors) and lives alone. I live 300 miles away, to keep our relationship somewhat "healthy"/manageable.



After she lost her drivers' licence, I got her a PSW and a physiotherapist on a weekly to help keep her engaged. After a few months, she showed some improvement - and wanted the services cancelled. *facepalm*



She also telephones her friends and family; and this is where I need help. She *overshares* the details of her life, from what she cooks to her endless medical conditions.



Is there any way that I can get her to be more cordial and considerate of others' time? Her stream of endless complaining is grating ("this hurts, that hurts, I have to use a walker", etc). While I am equipped to deal with her verbal tirade, I feel badly for others who have to endure regular calls of this type.



Any advice?

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I don’t see how you can get your mom to act differently. If this is her personality, why would you expect her to change now?

Don’t most old people talk endlessly about health issues? It’s either that or the latest ‘death’ of a family member or friend.

I’m sure others will cut her off when they get tired of it. So, don’t let her behavior stress you out.

Could she be lonely? Many seniors don’t have much socialization.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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Nope, not really. What your mom is doing is fishing for sympathy. After mom had worn us all out due to her complaints of this and that, she called friends and all they ever talked about was their current health issues.

I tried a couple times to get mom to be aware that a couple of minutes of 'updating' a friend or family member was enough. After a half hour--everyone is worn out. She didn't want HELP, she wanted SYMPATHY.

When mom had a 'vocal' bird, she talked to the bird. Sadly, although it helped her somewhat...it didn't live very long. Her replacement birds were not chatty, so no help there.
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Short answer...nope.
If conversations of aches, pains, complaints were eliminated there would be a lot of silent Independent, Assisted living facilities as well as gatherings of elders at local coffee shops, McDonalds and any other place more than 2 gather.
If her friends do not want to hear what she is saying they will tell her....after they have their turn talking about their aches, pains and complaints.
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Sadly that is all a lot of elderly folk have to talk about. I'm not sure I'm understanding why it bothers you so though.
She's more than likely very lonely and just wants to be able to share with the few friends and family members that she has, what is going on with her.
Let your mother be and let her enjoy whatever outside communication she has, as I'm sure it means a lot to her.
You can plug your ears if you don't want to listen.
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How your mother chooses to conduct herself with others is none of your business. Don't involve yourself in matters that have nothing to do with you. Which also translates to Don't Borrow Trouble. And remember, we all need people to talk to. Others we feel may want to know about our lives and what's going on. Let those she calls tell mom they don't want to hear from her or else let her calls go to voicemail. That's always an option.
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I have a family member who is the bore at every gathering, he talks incessantly about his own interests and no matter what strategy we've employed to change the subject he always manages to bring to conversation back to his preferred topics. I gave up rescuing people a long time ago, I figure once people become adults it's up to them to figure out how to rescue themselves.
(My grandmother had a phone friend who could go on and on so she would sometimes ring her own doorbell as an excuse to end the conversation LOL)
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2023
So true, cwille. It’s exhausting to try and rescue certain people.

We all have people like you are speaking about in our families.
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It is up to others to protect their own time. If your Mom overshares suggest to these others (who apparently are complaining to YOU as though you could control this) that they politely extricate themselves from her calls. Not only can you not control your Mom, but you can't protect those she calls either. You are trying to take too much on. It is fine to care about others, but it isn't fine to burden yourself when others should be/are perfectly capable to doing as they wish.
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It seems that your mother tells you who she calls and what she says – otherwise you wouldn’t know. Perhaps you could call one recipient a day (or every so often), thank them for keeping in touch, sympathise with how difficult/boring your M is on the phone, and ask them if they have any ideas about how to make things more positive and/or more about them (not her). Then share any of your own tricks.
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The recipients of the calls will respond how they wish.

Maybe stream off their own medical issues (#1 topic) daily complaints, how the world is going, how the birds don't song like they used to etc.

Or if it has become a one-way doom call, the recipients will place their own limits. Find their own strategies.

I watched my DH be 'busy right now, can't talk' for many many calls.. hangs up, resumes his life. Anything past 'fine' or 'not so great' may gets the wind-up. He won't listen to medical updates unless just the bare facts, in 10 seconds or less.

But many others thrive on medical details & drama calls.
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As someone who can have 30 minute commiseration discussions over the current state of bowels and their movements, I would say, don't worry. If they don't wanna hear it they'll stop answering or find a way out.

I try to be optimistic about people. Which means if I see someone oversharing, it is because they are overburdened, and they're looking for someone else to tell them "Oh this is normal we're all this borked at this age"

I just hear my aunt saying "OLD AGE ISNT FOR SISSIES" on repeat at least 3x every conversation. :D
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