I am taking care of 3 elderly family members and have been for a while. It was 4. I live with them instead of my own home now. I'm uprooted and so is my child. I do everything for them including gardening and farm work. I like helping and feeling useful but I get lost in the mess. And so does my family and our dreams of tomorrow. Now on top of it all, another family member who has health issues and is raising her grandkids with special needs keeps hinting that when something happens to her I will be the only one to step up and raise them! I'm just exasperated at the thought of this and how everyone gets to plan their futures but me. It's almost like she see this as some sort of social contract or something that I am obligated to fulfill. I just feel sick to my stomach and know that I am likely overreacting, but...
ANY advice appreciated on how to keep this in perspective.
I was watching the bomb scene at the Boston marathon, and what interested me was that there were hundreds of people that were running away from it, yet there were several people running towards it. Same thing at 9/11.
We are the ones that run towards the disaster to help those that are struck down while other run away as fast as they can
i could tell you my tale of woe… how everyone else in my family ran away…but you already know it. I feel EXACTLY like you do and there are days (many) where I feel I’m at the very frayed end of a short rope.
One day God will bless us greatly for being the ones that run towards the disaster. In the meantime just know that you are a unique, very special person. Even if no one else ever tells you so. You are strong enough to do this, stronger than the rest. You are not alone. There are many of us our here in the trenches.
But one day you will look back on all of it and you will be able to say you lived your life in a way that truly mattered to others. Not many can say that.
Good luck and peace.
Try to spend time alone with your Bible and pour your heart out to Jesus. He has walked in your shoes and will offer you the best support.
However, I want to say something very important to you: this IS your life. There is no "when do you get a life;" this is it.
Constantly taking on people to care for could be a sign of enabling. The other family members might be sensing this characteristic in you. It is important to know that helping for the sake of helping, without realistic plans for managing the possible outcomes you will encounter, is detrimental to you and your loved ones. It sounds like you are at this point, and now you don't have a plan for what more you can do - because there isn't a plan, YOU are the plan.
If you are exhausting your emotional and physical resources, then you can only take a hard look at what brings you to this situation and what skills you need to develop to get out of it.
It is critical that you use this revelation as an opportunity to learn yourself and healthy boundaries. It will be a skill that serves you well the rest of your life. As you find and define your boundaries, know that you are actually HELPING your loved ones to remain as independent as possible, create their own plans, and access the appropriate care they need at the time they need it.
You could approach it by telling her that you are concerned about the children’s future, and could she tell you what she has planned for them. That will bring it all out on the table. It also makes it clear that it’s her own responsibility to plan.
It would help if you could have some idea of where she could go for help in working out her issues. If these children have ‘special needs’, they are probably in touch with some type of social service. That might be her best place to start. It also works with the mantra about ‘showing the way, not being the way’.
((((hugs))))
Keep it simple; no explanations or excuses; no room for negotiation. Practice saying it in front of a mirror. The next time the 'hint' comes up, just say: "You know I love you and [GCs], but I am not in a position to take on their future care. Every time the 'hint' comes, say the same thing. It works. It really does.
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You absolutely have to sound off in regards to the woman with the grandkids. You will be “toast” if you take on any more responsibilities. Please reach out to the elder care department of your county to see what they can do to help you. Start thinking about your future and that of your family. You did good, but there needs to be more help for you. I enlisted hospice the last year of my mothers life. They were a big help, but they don’t do everything. You need an army.
I am still transitioning from my 10 yrs of caregiving. It was too intense to just walk away scott-free. It’s been almost 8 months since mom passed. And I’m still treating for my blood cancer. (NHL). And hoping I get more to life than what I did for 10 yrs. Blessings to you.
I developed a.blood cancer and was only told it’s ‘acquired’. About 9 months after My Mom passed and I also wondered if the stress did this. I can’t help but think so. I am blessed it is not fatal.
Please be good to you!!
What are your plans for the future? When all of your relatives pass away, will you be able to stay in the house? How will you provide for yourself and your child? My suggestion to you is to prepare for your future now.
Best wishes.
But, sometimes, you have to destroy people’s image of you and give them no other options, than to plan better. Because, if you don’t, yes, they will exactly be making very poor plans for you and anyone who comes after you.
I have even seen this in my downstairs neighbor. We were merely civil, until she had a need. She knew this need might come, but did nothing to prepare for it, quite possibly, because she felt she had a single woman, with no children, living right above her. Racism might’ve been a factor, as well. So, she went about her life, simply watching TV, eating, considering herself retired and did nothing to mitigate her circumstances. She was quite angry and disappointed, when I told her I could not help her. But, I WILL NOT, have some lazy idiot, but 6 years my senior, who doesn’t even know me, entitle themselves to my life and decide that their healthcare and eldercare plan is me, ruining and shortening the remainder of my goals, dreams and life.
It is far more difficult with family and, yes, the entire world will support that you have no choice. But, you must remember that you’re not here to please the world and the world will not suffer the consequences of what it wants you to do.
I know that, as I age, I may need help to. But, I’m taking care of myself, as best I can, because it isn’t anyone else’s job and I have no right to land a$$ first into someone else’s life, essentially saying, “Guess what? I just landed. So, whatever plans you we’re entertaining for yourself and your kids — are now over.” Surprise!
Lastly, my mother died a few weeks ago. While most would say to pour every dime into her burial, heh, with what she left, she couldn’t even afford a free funeral. So, there’s that, too. No pouring my life into someone else’s life or death, when they didn’t treat me with the respect of another adult human being. I loved her dearly. But, I’m not stupid.
Stick around. Need advice like this.
They look to you because as things are you look to them for your sense of purpose and your way of life. Only you can decide on a different way of life and make it happen. Even if they could change the situation, why would they when it suits them and you appear to be content?
Where is your own home, and who besides you and your child is your own family?
Start planning for your own life. Then, make it a reality. You may have to have a series of tough discussions with family members about your plans for your future and your child's future. With tact and honesty - and a lot of hard work - you can achieve your goals.
I feel fortunate to be alive at a time where people are starting to realize that while, yes, we may all need care before we pass, the idea of, “Heh, I’m retired and/or elderly so, you’re screwed!”, is beginning to close out.
Understand that, financially, this is the lay of the land. Most people’s income has not kept up for the past 30-40 years. As a result, many cannot afford what our parents did and the picture almost seems to be one of living in your childhood bedroom or a tiny house nearby, to ensure that your parents remain untouched by this reality and while some of these parents seem to look at their children as lazy losers, to which they will leave nothing to, on top of it.
You must think ahead, to know the darkest of what is possible. It can be difficult to see. It was for me as, I didn’t know my mother was a covert, malignant narcissist, until quite late, but I let reality hit her anyway.
You DO get to plan your own future, by saying 'no' NOW.
In fact, it's time to look into alternate care arrangements for these 3 elderly family members you are living with and move OUT of their house, with your CHILD, and forge a life of your own now. Nobody put this burden on you; you took it on yourself, and that's how you get rid of it: YOURSELF. By saying you simply cannot be caregiving for one more moment; you're burned out and fried to a frazzle and your child is now your #1 priority in life, not elders who need more care than you have in you to give. You are not obligated to care for ANYONE but yourself and your child, that's it.
Take your life back, my friend. Only you have that power. Good luck.
It may even be stopping those you care for from the next phase of their lives, to downsize etc.
It may be time to point all those you care for towards NEW help. Then they get help & you + child get your own life.
Why does the help all have to come from you anyway?
I don't believe in hitting kids but, a good spanking has stopped bad behavior for millenniums.
"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way"
No you are not overreacting. This person is being presumptuous.
"No is a one word sentence"
"When saying No, you are not responsible for the reaction you receive"
I have done my share of care giving and found I am not a caregiver. I have cared for both grandsons from infancy until Daycare. While caring for the youngest, I had to take my Mom in. He went to Daycare. Caring for Mom was 20 months. Eventually AL which ended up being nice for both of us. I will do no more caregiving unless its my husband.
I have a disabled nephew who can live on his own but needs some overseeing. There are resources out there for the disabled. You need to make it clear to this family member that you will not be caring for her disabled grands. There are resources out there if she can no longer care for them. My nephew gets help with his housing. He can get help with his utilities and food. If the grands are 18 or over, there are group homes. Your family member needs to call her County disabilities office and find out what is out there. Make it clear that she is now having health problems and she needs to set up care for their future. They can get Social security disabilities. Tell her not to wait because once your caring is done with these 3, you will be doing no more caregiving. And you will not be adding to your load. You will be doing for you and your child when ur caring is done. Just because someone thinks you should do doesn't mean your obligated.
All 3 people need care? What do you do? What options do they have?
Yep, they’re out there and they don’t even have to be family, to try to obligate you. They’ll simply entitle themselves to a heaping serving of your life, freely.
One way out is telling them you'd like to move. Maybe to a little apartment in the city, etc. Or, that you'd like to move to a small town nearby and buy your own home. They'll have to arrange for another Caregiving situation.
You're on a dead-end path right now. Your body is telling you that this situation is desperately wrong for you. You're basically throwing your future away. Please don't get caught in that trap.
I agree with the other posters. Whatever you decide will cause major drama, but that's life. In the long run - you'll be better off without all of this unwanted caregiving thrust upon you and focusing on your own life and your child.
It won't be easy. As an only child, I moved all the way across the country by myself (plus pets) when I was in my 20's . It was quite difficult on me, at the time. My parents were furious, but they got over it. My Dad wouldn't talk me for several years. Oh well, that was his problem - not mine.
I spent many, many happy years by myself in my cute little Victorian house that I bought and fixed up. Enjoyed my job & new life. And would do it again if I had my life to live over again.
(I'm also caught in the Caregiving trap now, but I'm in my 60's now and apparently quite stupid in my old age to allow this to happen .... sigh.) But, I've already lived most of my life, with no regrets.
It was a scary road to take, but my parents eventually got over it.
As I for years suffered from that syndrome (hey, why do we think I became a nurse?).
My suggestion is to forget about it being them and concentrate on the only thing in life you can change--yourself. And on those you have an obligation to--your immediate family.
You may want to consider counseling. When you begin to withdraw from caregiving to give care to your OWN family others will be angry with you. You have for years "made a contract with them" and that was that you gave care and they accept it. They have been fulfilling their part of the bargain. You showed them who you are and they trusted you, believed in you, now count on you. They will be very angry at you indeed and not without good reason.
It is hard to get off the habitual path we are on because -- even when that path is very tough --it is the KNOWN path, and the road not traveled is very very scary.
Get help for yourself. At first it will be tough to withdraw a bit at a time. But they will adjust, and in some cases be the better for it. And YOU will be so much more valued and loved within your own family.
Remember we show people who we are and they believe us.
Remember that we can only change ourselves, not others.
Remember that it isn't them; this was a contract. One you now must break for your own and your family's mental and physical health.
Remember that there is help.
You will always be a caregiver, but there needs to be self-knowledge in this, for your own good.
My heart goes out to you; I can so identify with a much younger self.
"I am overwhelmed with my family and the situation I am in right now. I can not possibly even think about adding anything else to my burden. I think you are hinting that I should be the one to take care of your grandchildren. I simply can't and won't. If you bring this up again I will tell you the same thing I just told you"
Advice for keeping this in perspective.......People that handle responsibility well sometimes get "elected" by other people. These other people assign you a role because their assumption is that you have some capability they lack. They often don't understand that you might not really like being in your current role. This is never fair to you because of their lack of understanding.
I once went to a therapist and expressed "Why do those of us that are responsible always seem to attract people that think we are going to take care of them" The therapist didn't have an answer. My advice, set your limits and stick to them. Plan your future and stick to the plan that doesn't include you taking care of people that you don't want/have.