My husband has two brothers. They love their parents and, when asked, would do anything to help them. However, they refuse to talk to each other about what their parents need or to plan ahead in any way about this. Sometimes, my mother-in-law mentions things to me (e.g., she's not happy with her current Medicare coverage, which was set up by one son who isn't really doing anything to help her change it). I tell my husband about it and suggest that he and his brothers talk, but they never do - about this or any issue, ranging from minor to very major. My sister-in-law tries, as well, but her husband resents her bringing these things up to him. Anyone have this issue? and advice on how to improve the situation?
I actually am posting to suggest Mom go to her local Office of Aging. Ours helps Seniors pick the insurance closer to their needs. Is it a Medicare Advantage? Me personally wouldn't have one.
Are the brothers ever in the same room? I'm wondering if your and your parents-in-law and SIL could collate some kind of agenda which, going forward, the family as a whole could be updated on. It's just that it's easier to have a proper conversation if you're face to face and in comfortable surroundings, and of course this is the right time of year for it.
I do have one antenna-twitch to mention. The one son set up the Medicare coverage, MIL is not confident it's right for her - then her next step should be to say so to the son who set it up, and either change it or have it explained to her why she needn't worry. It shouldn't be to wring her hands about it to somebody else behind that son's back. I won't accuse her of triangulation (not yet, bit premature!) but this is exactly the kind of thing that causes horrible gremlins to infest the family grapevine and it wants cutting out. I hope she doesn't make a habit of it?
My brother use to be that way, until I backed out of my mothers world and care, he was forced to step up, lots of confusion and lack of knowledge prevailed, but he has learned a hard lesson and has stepped up to the plate...although, I do consul him behind the scenes. He still hates confrontation, he likes to avoid that venue.
I have met very few men who are long term thinkers, they kind of float through the day and hope that the tooth fairy will drop foo foo dust and that the problem will go away.
Just my observations.
We talk often of his moms care, she lives with us, I am the one who is the caregiver but at least he listens to what the problems are and tries to help resolve it.
just tonight we were talking of the end of life conversation and how and what we were going to do and what the mother-in-law wants. She has dementia and so the short term memory is pretty well shot, but she knows what she wants. Thank God we all talk.
They were always quick to criticize me even though I did the most and was always the child closet to my parents and grandparents.
I cared for both of my parents. Daddy died in the hospital several years back. Mom eventually moved into my home and lived with us for just about 15 years. It wasn’t bad initially because she was far more independent and we could leave her alone while we were on an outing.
Then as her Parkinson’s disease progressed she needed more and more care, she started falling down, and we started to feel the impact of caregiving. She grew very dependent on me. Even though it wasn’t her fault it got to be too much. I felt my life slipping away from me.
Caregivers often lose their own identity. I knew that I wasn’t happy with my situation. I realize now I was burning out. I had denied that for a long time.
Too much togetherness caused friction for both of us. I needed to start setting boundaries but she wasn’t very accepting of them.
Mom pitted my brothers and I against each other by complaining about me to them and it pretty much started world war three. I became fed up with all of their criticisms and told my mom and brothers that if they felt like I was doing it all wrong that she could let them take over her care.
So my brother’s criticism backfired on him and now he has mom to deal with. I don’t want anything to do with him after he threatened to report me for elder abuse since mom didn’t get her way with everything. My younger brother isn’t any better than the older one that she lives with now. I don’t have contact with either of them.
Unfortunately, that leaves me out in the cold as far as an attempt to have a relationship with my mother. I’m sad about that. I never wanted an unhappy ending. It is what it is. It’s hard. It’s difficult to absorb.
I realize that I don’t have the power to change the situation. I am doing the best that I can to heal and move forward in my life. I don’t miss the turmoil.
I don’t know how mom is doing because I have only spoken to her briefly on the phone since she left. The conversations weren’t all that pleasant and I don’t want to continue being hurt.
I don’t know if mom will be placed in a facility or go on hospice at his home. I may not even know when she dies. That’s tough for me. As I said, it is what it is.
I will try to remember the times that we were close and had special moments together. She’s 94. I hope she is happy. It’s all I ever truly wanted all my life. I just wanted a happy and harmonious home. Parts of it were joyful and other parts were not.
My grandpa used to say that heaven and hell were right here on earth. There’s a lot of truth to what grandpa said, isn’t there?
You’re such a strong person to be able to let go of the negativity with your brothers even though it means not seeing your mom. I wish you all the best. Hugs to you .
I really think he simply loves her in a healthy way. He has 2 evil sisters that (classically, as we know) criticize him about everything he does for her, every decision he has to make on mom's behalf--and he's philosophical about it. He's my hero and role model (in my dreams).
i have a lot of resentment over this! Suggestions?
BUT, he never complained either. It is what attracted me to him - he never complained about what he had to do for wife #1 - he just did it. And he took recommendations from everyone so he could do the best job as possible.
P.S. I met him 6 months after wife #1 passed on. I had seen him once but never met him before he was widowed.
In my family, I and my siblings talk regularly. My sister and one brother visit our mother (still lives at home by herself at age 91) a lot. I visit occasionally. My brother who lives out of state visits a few times per year and participates in our discussions about mom.
My only advice is for your husband to ask his brothers (and wives if they agree) for a family meeting to discuss the situation and to explore options to ensure the safety and comfort of their parents. That might work, although it didn't for me. A couple of years after my wife and I moved my dad to our home, I asked for a family meeting, but this request was ignored by two brothers and the two older sisters. Best wishes and good luck.
Your gonna get old by your self. It going to depend on your own wallet the type of care you get and if the wallet is empty, we have to understand we are going to have to settle for whats given or make some pretty hard straight choices. I have 2 kids, ones planning on moving to Fla in the next few years. My son, well, he "has his family" as to which I think- Gee, when did dad and I get put up for adoption? Im thinking it might have been somewhere between paying full load of college, or was it buying the business for him? Hmmm I forget? Alas, he is very busy.
My daughter, she wants out of new england so bad she can taste it. Thru business, both she and her husband have tons of friends there and cant wait to build their dream house in the sunshine state. As for hubby and I, there is very little money left, too long of a saga to share-but we have both decided when our good days are truly gone, we are keeping our mouths shut- no spoon feeding, diapers, drooling in our food for us. We will get each other thru as far as we can and then see to it we maintain our dignity- no help needed, no excuses accepted.
While it may be the easier choice here for the 3 men involved to sweep it under the literal rug, it's always smarter to be proactive than reactive.
In my experience, women tend to generalize that men are like this while women are better at communication. I find that idea false. This is irony for me. Many of you think I'm a woman. Quite often they've written in response to me commiserating about how bad men are at caregiving. I don't have the heart to tell them that I'm not a woman. I'm one of those dim witted uncaring men.
There is no qualitative difference between men and women on a variety of factors that popular misconception thinks there is. If you look at the studies, men and women are much more alike than most men or women would be willing to admit. Intragender differences are larger than intergender ones.
Seems like men tend to deal with issues when they absolutely, positively can't put it off any longer. My guys won't deal with a situation until there is a hard deadline attached to it. Doesn't matter what the situation...school paper, work, car repair, home repair, parents, etc... Drives me crazy since I am not that usually way.
Then, when something goes wrong, they are ill prepared to deal with it and make quick decisions which may, or may not, be the best way to deal with the crisis.
As for advice? I try to adopt a "Not my circus, not my monkey" attitude where I can. I am trying to take myself out of "nag" default and let my guys deal with the consequences of their choices. If that means a son has to pull an all-nighter to write a paper, that's his responsibility. I go to bed.
Dealing with the in-laws is a different realm but, in the end, is still your husband's responsibility. This is coming from someone who, in hindsight, took too much care of her in-laws. I did more for my in-laws than their three children combined. It's not an option that I recommend.
Years ago, my hubby arranged a meeting with his brother and sister to discuss the increasing needs of their parents. His sister was there, his brother "forgot" to attend. I get how maddening it is!!
It is frustrating to only stand on the sidelines and see the problems coming but that is the option that you have. When the situation is dire enough, your hubby and his brothers will find a way to deal with it. You get to choose how much involvement you want to have when a crisis does happen. That's when you can show your support.
I wish you the best as you move forward.
P.S. My husband just finished updating our ObamaCare insurance...with two hours to spare until the deadline. His responsibility/ his choice...but, dang, it's been hard to keep my mouth shut these last weeks!
My brother was equally supportive during the entire last year of her life. It is about upbringing, education and "daughter-in-laws". Selfish daughter-in-laws can mess up the whole thing. We were very fortunate, my mom had wonderful daughter-in-laws.
My mom held her life to see my wife who traveled 24 hours to see her and give her the last drop of water. She then closed her eye's within 5 minutes of my wife's arrival. They had a very strong bond.
So, please put things into perspective, before bashing boys/men.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t males who haven’t been loving like you have been.
You are smart enough to realize this. These are the ones who are being criticized. No one on this forum would ever bash a respectable caregiver whether they are male or female.
I'm 52, husband is 70, his brother is 81 and my father is 92. I have been 'dealing' with my father since my mom died in 2003. He really went downhill about 7 years ago. While my husband 'helped' some, he really did not get involved in all of this. His mom lived with his brother until her death in 2001 so he never had to deal with this type of situation. Now his brother is starting to show his age. We are his closest relatives. He lives 100 miles away. Recently he had a health scare and my husband did go down to make sure he was ok. I told him he needed to have an uncomfortable conversation with his brother about his 'future needs'. He had plenty of opportunity to do so when he was there but didn't. He couldn't do it. He felt asking was 'intrusive'. This is going to fall to us to deal with but he won't be proactive because he feels this is too personal a subject. If I didn't think we would end up as responsible parties in all of this I would let it go, but I know that is not how it is going to shake out. I'm not going to take charge of this like I had to with my father. I still work full time and I have enough balls in the air that I am juggling.
I would prefer he was proactive like he seems to be on everything else, not reactive. He has no idea what he is in for even with seeing me go through so much.