We have been married 8 years!
He is a very verbally abusive person !
He has pushed me up against a wall and said he would mess me up!
It is all about himself!
I resent having to take care of him because of the way he has treated me!
I was planning on leaving him or thinking about leaving him before he was diagnosed!
It's bound to be a question: on your profile you say that your 81 year old husband, to whom you have been married for eight years, has always been verbally abusive. So... what made you want to marry him? And what has stopped you leaving him?
Does your husband have any other family or other social networks? What are his care needs?
As wisely advised below, if he puts hands on you again, you must call 911 and then get away from him, call a family member, neighbor, friend to come help you.
What you do ultimately depends on whether you want to legally leave him (divorce). If you just leave you are still legally entangled with him (especially if you have names jointly on bank accounts, assets, properties, etc). You will need to consult with an elder law attorney at this point. You can contact your local area's Council on Aging as they have many resources to point you towards.
This morning on this website a commenter offered this: forum.freeadvice.com. I have not personally used it but it may be helpful.
It is difficult to give advice without more details about your husband, as his abusiveness in the past is not necessarily relevant now if you haven't been calling the police and there's no existing record of any incidents. Mainly you need to keep yourself safe now and in the future, and decide what you want to do with your relationship.
If he has not been formally diagnosed by a doctor (so that it is in his medical records) this should happen. But it doesn't sound like he'll be cooperative in getting this done. You can use a "therapeutic fib" to get him in to see a doctor (like, Medicare is now requiring an annual physical) and then go with him to the appointment and pass the doc a note (secretly) asking them to perform a cognitive test and they will do it. This is how I got my MIL to be tested. The medical staff should be happy to help with this.
I wish you safety and wisdom as you move forward with your life!
You matter. You have options. One option is call the police, Baker Act him, let doctors medicate him, and let the case manager/social worker at the hospital find a long term care bed and apply for emergency Medicaid for him.
And please read some books about self compassion. Authors to look at include Tara Brach, Kristin Neff, Mike Robbins, and Mark Manson.
he never stopped being verbally abusive to her and everyone else too. But, never again raised a hand to her.
as to you question, yeah, I think you can see why NH do not accept or keep these patients. Even memory care will not keep them once they turn violent. The Father of a dear friend ended with being tied down. At the end, she and her sister signed a do not treat. Next time he got pneumonia he died. She was a nurse, and told me that the violence is the usual end of Alzheimer’s....and withholding treatment the usual end.