My parents live with me and I recently moved my 11 year old niece in to my home due to some domestic issues in her house. For starters, my dad has always been a bit of an a$$hole. But he seems to detest the ground this little child walks on. He hates the fact she’s a picky eater, which isn’t her fault when all she got fed was fast food and chips. He yells when she goes in and out of the house playing, but he’s constantly in and out too!! He seems to even hate her laugh, rudely telling her to hush if she giggles at a volume that he thinks is too loud! I have directly called him out on his behavior but he denies he is being cold toward her. Someone, please tell me why old men are so GROUCHY!! Her feelings are hurt by his attitude toward her and I can’t help her understand this is how he always is. Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this??
Also, as we age, we become MUCH LESS RELEVANT to our kids, the world at large. Nobody really wants to hear from us and our opinions are often tossed aside. It happened so fast!
First and foremost, your niece needs to be safe and loved, if dad can't get on board with that, he can live elsewhere.
While I agree that not all old people are cranky, there are plenty of reasons to be so as you age and you feel a little--shortchanged. Now we have enough money to do whatever we want to do--we don't want to do anything. :)
"We get too late soon old and too late smart". (Sorry, I butchered that).
1) You didn't mention your father's age, but I was wondering whether he was either affected by the Great Depression, or if he grew up in a family in which his parents were from "the old country". If either or both of these are true, it may be that he has the attitude that "this is not a restaurant, and if you don't like what's being served, then you can consider yourself to have already eaten" toward a picky eater. However, your own experience having grown up as his child should give you some insight into this (unless you were willing to eat anything served such that this issue never came up).
2) Some people don't like a lot of "traffic" in a house. My father used to get irritated if my sister or I "came in one door and went out the other". I never quite understood the logic of this or why it was objectionable, but perhaps your father is (or has become) this way.
3) Has your father ever had a stroke? I had an uncle who suffered a stroke, and in addition to becoming partly paralyzed, he often stayed away from certain family situations, such as parties, because, as I was told, any kind of "commotion" bothered him.
1. He’s a narcissist. Too many reasons in just this reason to list so look it up.
2. He doesn’t like children and yes, there are people who don’t like children. For example, people who weren’t raised with others, or whose parents weren’t kind to them, and often some of us love our children but aren’t so taken with others kids.
3. If he has a chronic ailment or chronic pain, it’s awful hard to cater to others and to be perfect and proper. You can’t be sweet and bubbly when you always have no less than level 7 pain 24/7.
4. Someone else brought up hearing. My husband got so upset with himself because he couldn’t hear me and had to repeat himself. Said he grew up being told to speak up and didn’t like seeing that issue with himself. He has hearing aids but it’s not as good as the natural ability to hear.
5. Fear. It’s scary getting old and losing so many things: physical and mental abilities, privacy, independence, self confidence and others losing confidence in them, etc.
So yes we can be *ssholes and grouchy as we get old, and get tired of apologizing for it. Just like when we are young, angry. entitled, obnoxious know-it-all’s and do stupid things until we’re about 40. So somewhere in there we all get about 20-30 years of happiness, respect, physical and mental fitness, companionships and camaraderie, and independence.
I’m 64 with chronic back/hip pain. My husband is 76 with chronic gouty arthritis and often unable to get around well. My mother is 95 who has end stage CHF and dementia and lives with us too. We are not a happy household most of the time. My husband and I love and respect each other, thank God. Mom is not able to understand much anymore and is a terror even with medication. Life has been mostly tough with some good times thrown in here and there. Yes, we all are grouchy but hubby and I give each other a smile and a thumbs-up to keep a goin’ and to hang in there.
I've worked with a lot of seniors.. and I found the majority to be lovely.
I personally would choose the younger generation over the older in this case.
Lay down the law with dad. He speaks kindly to her (and others, too) or he GOES.
I had an uncle who was verbally abusive to his own kids--and ONCE to me (I was absolutely terrified of him). He was yelling at my cousin and I bravely(!) told him to leave her alone! NOBODY ever talked back to him, ever. He was shocked, and actually kind of admired my 'spunk'.
His kids were SO messed up. It was just tragic.
Getting old doesn't mean you're going to be a jerk. You just become more of what you already were.
My Dh is not accepting aging with much grace. He's only 68, but our kids are speaking up to him now and not allowing his sh&t to bug them. He thinks he's funny, I'll tell him flat out, he's being a jerk. He CAN be the nicest guy in the world--but can also be a complete idiot. I call him on his crap, all the time.
You need to chose between your niece and your parents. You are providing her with the same environment she left. She needs to have a safe place to land. She has to put up with this man 24/7.
What I see is a sit down with Dad without the child present. Tell him his behaviour is not going to be tolerated anymore. That he is abusing this child. She needs to be allowed to be a child. If he can't live with the child, then he and Mom will need to find other accommodations.
I also suggest that if finding your parents somewhere else to live is not an option, than you may need to find your niece another home. I also hope she is getting some counselling. She is approaching an age where girls start to act out. Believe me, you don't need the problems that come with that and caring for parents too. And if and when she acts out, she will need your undivided attention.
I'm not sure how to turn your dad's behavior around. Maybe, he could share one o hisf hobbies with her or do a project together like a puzzle. If he's that against her, I'd likely try to make arrangements for dad to be elsewhere, while you are caring for the niece.
There are countless reasons why some elderly people become mean. That is the stark reality. I do feel strongly that you need to do all you can to stop the pattern your father has developed towards your niece. I imagine he does not like the change to his living environment. This child needs the help you can provide and your father needs to STOP treating her so poorly. That is your responsibility and I hope you find a solution. Otherwise you might as well send her back home.
He is abusing your niece and you have to protect her from his a$$holeness.
Maybe you could climb his frame in the same manner as he is doing to her to open his eyes.
I have never been around old people that didn't love kids. I can't imagine being nasty to a child that has been taken out of their home and away from their parents. He needs to go to a old folks home.