Why are old people so cranky??!

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Why are old people so cranky??!

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My parents live with me and I recently moved my 11 year old niece in to my home due to some domestic issues in her house. For starters, my dad has always been a bit of an a$$hole. But he seems to detest the ground this little child walks on. He hates the fact she’s a picky eater, which isn’t her fault when all she got fed was fast food and chips. He yells when she goes in and out of the house playing, but he’s constantly in and out too!! He seems to even hate her laugh, rudely telling her to hush if she giggles at a volume that he thinks is too loud! I have directly called him out on his behavior but he denies he is being cold toward her. Someone, please tell me why old men are so GROUCHY!! Her feelings are hurt by his attitude toward her and I can’t help her understand this is how he always is. Does anyone have any experience with a situation like this??

Age Related Decline Anger Multi-generational Living

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An 11 yr old isn't a toddler but a pre-teen, she should be receiving guidelines on behaviors or manners by now. She shouldn't get 'free-reign' of attitudes/behaviors. In other words, children should never 'rule the roost.' Kids actually seek guidelines in life and do better as a result. Your dad seems to be wanting more structure in the household. 'Don't be a picky eater' (be healthy) and 'Laughing too loud.' (is someone resting? all should be aware. if no one resting, i would say he's trying to instill proper manners. i was taught the same. 'outdoor v indoor voices') 'Running in/out too much.' (is AC on or bugs getting in the house concern? i was raised the same.)

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I would get extremely tough here and point blank tell your father that his behavior is unacceptable and it is going to stop at once. Every time he acts out, then you must immediately stop him and put him in his place. Make it strong enough that eventually it will get into his head that he must behave better. Tell him if he does not stop, you are going to figure out how to remove him from the premises. I personally hate people who are crabby and grouchy and simply will NOT tolerate this behavior from anyone ever.

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Could be that you aren't listening to your Dad? It seems like you had some strong negative feelings toward him, and taking in a child into your home (which. hopefully, he felt it was HIS home too) without consultation or consideration of your parents feelings may have led to his "crankiness". It probably isn't easy for them either. Have you set boundaries for the child? Have you had discussions with both of them (your Dad and niece) together to hash out the things that annoy each other, and individually with each of them to figure out what bothers them about the other so you have a better understanding of how to resolve issues? Seems to me that you created a situation by opening your home to both your parents and to a child, and now you expect things to go smoothly. I think perhaps you need to work a bit harder at blending the two sides. It's commendable that you took in your niece, and that you're having your parents live with you, but I think perhaps you could try to mediate and resolve the situations you've created.

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It does sound as though OP has no option NOT to listen to her father's complaints. She didn't expect him to continue being "a bit of an a$$hole”, because he was OK when the household revolved around him. Mediating with someone who is unreasonable is very difficult. You always need a ‘stick and carrot’ approach, and the only carrot here seems likely to be ‘you don’t have to leave if you can be pleasant”. “This is how he always is” means he has got away with it for decades, and you can’t mediate with that fixed entitlement mindset.

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While I wonder the same "Why are old people cranky?", I understand the feeling of never having lived, always pleasing others and taking care of others to the extent of losing myself and general disappointment with life, on top of never feeling well after 45 or so due to several physical problems. Perhaps many older people go through the same. In looking at myself through others' eyes I am probably, at least periodically, considered a cranky 67 year old. I have never physically been able to keep with others, even as a teen, due to arthritis, but I am expected to work as hard or harder than others and take care of my elders because I am "younger". And I cannot abide the disrespect of children who've never been taught to behave in an acceptable manner while in public or in someone else's home, toppling over furniture while running, denting or breaking items while throwing a tantrum, etc. I've never been able to tolerate screeching noises, as young children tend to make. (I recently discovered this is a genuine problem connected to an immune disease.) There's always at least one member in every family who has no respect for the lives we (elders) have made and the struggles we experienced just to survive. Some of the younger family members think we "owe" them financially, and we should pinch those pennies to make money or items available to them. (Ha!) Some young adult members disrespect us so much they are a walking destruction robot, throwing keys on top of antique tables, staying on their phones the whole time they are pretending to visit, then having the nerve to ask for money or (whatever) before they leave. Why do they think we "owe" them? Any clues as to why some of us are "grouchy"? Sorry I did not address your situation, but hope to shed some light for others.

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Hi Daisy, you certainly sound quite willing to be just as cranky as you wish. There’s one thing that might help you about the screeching noises that little children seem programmed by nature to make. It’s a problem for my DH, because a certain note at volume gives him an instant headache that can then last for hours. As a result, he always (yes always) carries earplugs in every change of clothing, and puts them in at the first sign of trouble. I’m sure you that think that children shouldn’t screech, and if they do their parents should deal with it. However coping with it yourself is a more practical approach than getting cross. Or perhaps you could get treatment for the ‘auto-immune disease’, which is an interesting new concept. I think the clue to ‘grouchy’ is jealousy, because there is no way back to youth.

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How sad for your niece to be in this environment. She's struggling enough. My first thought is there anywhere else she can go. If your dad was not nice when you were growing up it sounds more like a mental illness that affected him all his life possibly rather then he just a cranky old man. I suspect most elderly suffer from some sort of onset dementia and they may not be nice all the time which we may except of them. My friend told me if a parent says something mean or hurts your feelings to just ignore it, they really don't know what they are saying and don't mean it. Best advice I was given and I think it's the best advice when it comes to an elderly parent.

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"...if a parent says something mean or hurts your feelings to just ignore it..." This is good advice, hard to take/implement sometimes, but good advice IF the LO was not like that before AND has any kind of dementia. If it is sudden onset, check for UTI, but otherwise, tune it out - it is the dementia doing the talking.

In this case, there is no mention of dementia AND OP indicates dad has been a jerk for a long long time. While it may be easy enough for us as adults, esp if we grew up with it, to learn to tune it out, it isn't always that easy. But, even if we 'tune it out', it CAN still impact us, festering way down deep somewhere! For a young one who has already been damaged by abusive home life, this is NOT acceptable and she is going to have a harder time with it than we might.

My kids (esp my daughter) had enough crap from their dad. If I had taken one or both of my parent in and they started on them like this, nope. Kids first. I would either squash this "elder" crap or they would need to move. It wouldn't even matter if the kid(s) were not mine. No. Kids need to have boundaries, but so do adults. Kids need a positive, nurturing environment to grow into responsible adults. If this continues, she will either perpetuate this behavior when she is an adult/parent or it will negatively impact her for the rest of her life!

Don't just tune it out or dismiss it, SQUASH the crap!

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There are questions to be asked about your parents, but starting with what you have said, your father has been a jerk for a long time. Is it possible that HIS behavior influenced your sister or brother (parent of niece)? If so, then I agree with the others - she has been moved from one abusive situation to another.

How to deal with it depends a lot on what your parents needs are. Are they cognitively okay? Then it would be best to have a heart to heart with them (niece absent from this) and explain that either they (HE) needs to behave while living under your roof. YOUR house, YOUR rules. If he can't abide with this, then other arrangements need to be made. Apartment, IL or AL. If he agrees to try to "behave" and continues, have a set amount of time and monitor his behavior. If he shows improvement, give it more time. If he doesn't within a stated period of time, then they need to move.

If one and/or the other have cognitive and/or medical issues, consider finding a safe place for them, whether it is AL or MC.

Your niece has had a rough time and is at a very impressionable and vulnerable age. She NEEDS to have a stable loving environment (and likely some counseling.) Be VERY supportive of her and take your dad to task whenever he starts his crap. Cut him off as soon as he starts. Do be honest with your niece about him. You can assure her that he's always been a jerk, so she shouldn't take to heart that she is the problem.

While it is commendable that you have taken your parents and your niece in, it is clear that the current situation needs to change. Niece should take priority, as this can affect her entire future! Be firm and strong with your dad. It doesn't matter that he is your father, he needs to be put in his place. He's done this for too long and it is NOT likely that he will change, but if you can work on him and tone it down, possibly it can work, but I certainly wouldn't hold my breath.

As to the original question - most old people are NOT cranky. Sure, they could become cranky, given various medical issues and loss of capabilities, but you stated he's always been "...a bit of an a$$hole.", so having her there is NOT the issue. It is him and he either has to curb it or move. I always told my kids (and even others' kids on teams I was coaching), if you don't have something nice to say, don't say ANYTHING! I would have NO problem telling one of my parents that!

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sometimes older people can't tolerate the younger ones because they have more energy, seem louder than normal, etc. I think the patience that older people have is shorter and can't tolerate some stuff like they used to. Also because they are set in their ways and anything that disturbs them comes out in a negative way. Explain to the little one that "he" is cranky because maybe he has aches/pains from arthritis, etc, and just try to stay away from where he is. I know its a lot to ask an 11 year old but I would think they can understand better than someone that would be a lot younger. You didn't say how old your parents were and why they are living with you. But I wish you luck, but don't let this continue with the bad mouthing of the little one.........or you will have other problems on your hand with her (she might resort to doing bad things to herself to help with the hurtful things she is being told by him).........good luck

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Imho, elders can be out of sorts AT TIMES for a variety of reasons - chronic pain, dementia, old age or always been a negative person. It is sometimes difficult for multi generational family members to live under one roof. Prayers and good luck sent to you.

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Aside from his normal, life long personality, what other issues is he experiencing? Does he have chronic pain, hearing changes, loss of activities he used to enjoy, isolation from friends, maybe even some depression and dementia? My friend Richard used to be a great guy,was always fun to be around. Now that I am his caregiver, I am seeing a different side, he is sad and grouchy often, talks about different family members and how they cant be bothered to even call or check on him. His phone was accidentally off for an entire day, not one of his sons bothered to even go by or call me, or his brother that lives in the same apartment complex, to see if he was ok. The only spots of joy in his life are when the one son manages to bring the grandkids by, or going to church. Well, no church now because of Covid, and the son is afraid the kids will get him sick, so....He has outlived two wives, most of his friends, and half of his family....

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Right now, I am having issues being patient with him. He has been extra snarky lately, saying sarcastc things that I find annoying and hurtful. I was teased a LOT as a child, so for me most forms of humor and sarcasm come across as mean ness and bullying, hidden in a veil of " Just kidding". He has been wanting a wireless doorbell, I finally found one that did not need an existing doorbell, was setting it up and trying to figure out how he was supposed to answer with his phone. He said "Well if it aint going to work right, just throw it in the trash!", then his phone needed a software up date to work with it, " Oh great, now it probably wont work at all!" I finally said " You know the saying dont shoot the messenger? I am trying to help you and get things set up FOR YOU. Stop saying negative things." I gave up on the door thing and left. I have no problem taking care of his physical needs, dirty Depends and all, but attitude will send me running for the hills...

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It might be good to think more about the detail of your father “has always been a bit of an a$$hole.” Was he selfish? Was he determined to be boss? If he was along those lines, it may be that the answer is obvious – your niece is getting attention that he thinks is his by right. He wants her out, or at least invisible and inaudible.

It might be worth sitting down with him and telling him that you are finding it difficult to live with both him and your niece. That your niece’s needs at the moment can’t be met anywhere else, while he is able to move to a facility. If he can’t be more pleasant to both you and your niece, you and he need to start looking for a facility that will suit him. And take the first step – let him know that you are going to look at one, ask if he would like to come along.

This may shock the socks off him, and get him to think about his own best option – being pleasant.

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My dad got really cranky in the months before he died. He was a very active outdoors guy all his life. Now he was not feeling well, sat most of the day in a lift chair, was wearing diapers due to incontinence, and living in AL unit with hospice care overlay. He had CHF and CKD III.

My mom was also in the apartment, and she has dementia. She repeats herself numerous times a minute all day long. I heard from the staff that there had been some verbal altercations (I think she was driving him nuts with all the repetition.)

Towards the end, he got very angry and hollered at me (his oldest,) whenever I visited. He also had the TV turned up way loud and the apartment temperature was in the upper 80's. It was truly unpleasant to visit, which I did at least 3x weekly (other siblings took other days.) He wanted me to get mom out of there so I tried shopping trips, lunches, errands but all she wanted was to get back to "dad." One of his ways of managing her was to have cocktails every evening, and then complain about how much she drank (she had no executive function to regulate her behavior.) But if they ran out of the vile wine she drank, he'd call me up late at night, well after dark, and beg me to go buy wine for her. It was a hour trip to do that. If I couldn't do that (I'm 70 and try not to drive after dark since my night vision is not great,) he'd call other siblings, friends and neighbors to do that.

I was always very close to my dad when growing up. He was a good dad who encouraged achievement by his daughters. He did have a German temper, so the belt came out when we were little. That was how his dad disciplined him when young. But more than this, his behavior before he passed left me with permanent bad memories of him.

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He's being abusive. He's hurting her in ways that will be permanent if you don't stand up for her (in front of her) to show her someone is there to protect her and that she's not a bad person just because this jerk is being horrible to her. If you can't move dad out of there, try to find a better environment for your neice. She deserves better. He's unlikely to change.

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Without full context of the niece and possibly her own annoying ways, it's known that many old people feel time closing in on them with their best days gone, so they're naturally less positive about life. And simply jealous of youth in some cases. It's why they tend to lack patience with minutia, feeling that time is being wasted. When their minds start to go, they get irritable with themselves as well.

Those who were already cranky in younger years are typically worse as they get older. It goes with the territory, but it can be put to good use in society sometimes, e.g. the movie "Gran Torino."

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I have news for you, from my experience (which is numerous years ) women are usually far worse than men. Yes there are men like your dad but the women far outnumber then men for bad attitudes.

Because they are living in your house put your foot down and let him know there are rules and they will be obeyed. If he refuses then it is time form him to move somewhere else. One of those rules is that he will be respectful towards her.

As for seniors having bad attitudes please keep in mind: they are usually up numerous times during the night have a pee. That means they do not get a good nights sleep
They are frustrated because of their losing a lot of their independence due to loss of physical capabilities. The older they get then more lonely they get because most of their friends have died.

It is unfortunate about his life long abusive behavior but it is good to let your niece know you love her and care about her, not matter where she is living.

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It's not only elders that tend to be a$$holes; younger people can be, too. Some people aren't cut out to be fathers or even mothers, for that matter, and it shows. My daughter's fiance's father told him he blinked too much the entire time he was growing up. How, exactly, does a person 'blink too much' and who would even notice such a thing?? Needless to say, my DDs fiance has a variety of issues now as an adult that he's working on as a result of growing up with an emotionally abusive father. The 'too much blinking' was only one of many, many issues his dad had with him as a human being. Instead of accepting him as the lovely person he truly is, he constantly found fault with everything he said & did.

Which brings me to my next point: if your father is unable to treat your niece with love and respect, or at least respect, for whatever reason, then either he needs to leave your home or she needs to leave your home. She's no better off in your house, most likely, than she was living in her house where there were domestic issues going on. There's an abusive situation going on in YOUR home, too! Making an excuse for the man by saying 'that's just the way he is' doesn't help your niece process the pain he's causing her. 11 is a particularly delicate age where a young girl needs a nurturing environment so she can develop into an emotionally healthy & stable young woman.

Wishing you the best of luck trying to sort out this difficult situation and create a better living environment for your dear niece. You are a kind person and it shows.

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I know, I know! At 65 I am cranky toward kids because they are so free. They can run, laugh, play and eat almost anything without repercussions while it's only going to get worse for me. My time has come and gone. There is a wonderful opportunity here for bonding between generations but you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your parents to emphasize how important it is they become a support structure for this child. Most elders would love the opportunity to have youth around again. On the other side, you need to emphasize boundaries to your niece and explain that old people need their rest time, too. There is no reason this can't work out, unless there is more to this than you stated in your post.

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If you are serious about providing a Loving, safe, healthy, long Term home to your niece, Dad needs to toe the line now.

No ifs and or buts.

Moving your niece from one disfunctional home to another is going to cause her more harm.

She needs a home where she can be a child, laugh and play. It will take time for her to trust you and as long as your Dad is abusive she will not develop to her full potential.

Take it slow introducing new foods. If you can take her grocery shopping with you and let her choose a fresh fruit and veggie each week to try. Help her google how to prepare and serve them. Involve her in the prep and cooking. This will give her a sense of ownership over what she eats.

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At 86, i do still love, appreciate, and enjoy my precious loved ones and friends.I truly do hope that they feel the same toward me.I live alone and love it. i am so very thankful to be healthy, strong, med free, and pain free.I do hope and pray i will never ever become a bothersome burden nor a grouch.I am very certain I will never ever mve into someone else's home nor allow anyone to live in my home.I do have long term care insurance to pay for an assisted living facility if I ever become seriously handicapped in any way.i have picked out the one i want and have instructed everyone accordingly.Ido not ever want to suffer the horrible fate of living with someone who really does not enjoy my presence and suffers from my being with them.I pray for all of us to avoid such circumstances.

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such a valuable input

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My mom is cranky and rude too. With brain issues I found that sometimes noises and kids movements make them crankier that’s why my mom can not live with us. Telling them they are rude, cranky and irritable does nothing to improve behavior. I was told by doc that as it progresses it will get worse.

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The brain issues thing does make things harder. A memory care place close to me once invited the public to visit to try their virtual dementia demonstration. I was the only person to show up. It was very surprising to see how things are when you have it. They put headphones on me that had constant swooshing noises and special glasses that made thing different. They gave me special gloves that made digital actions difficult. Then they put me in one of the rooms with a person who gave me directions to do simple tasks. The first was folding a small blanket on the bed. I could hardly understand the directions given what the headphones did to my hearing and I had trouble seeing. I can't imagine trying to function like that day in and day out. Having cared for my very abusive mother, I'm not excusing anything (but my mother didn't have dementia), just saying if someone does have it, it must be very hard to function without losing it....

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Have you heard that saying "if Mama ain't happy, nobody's gonna be happy"? That is said in jest but it started because it is TRUE. One person can make the whole household unhappy to the point of being toxic. I would put a stop to this right now as suggested by several other posters on here by telling him to stop that mess right now. I don't know what kind of health your parents are in and obviously, your mother is there too since you said "parents". I don't know if she could get through to him or not since most times, the spouse of a grouchy person isn't even counted by the grouch. My son calls people like that "ants on the picnic". They will steal your joy in a skinny minute because they can if you tolerate it. Your home seems to be the place family members come to in troubled times. You are to be commended. However, if they lug in bad attitudes, trouble, continued unhappiness, then it is not your home anymore. It is just a "house". A home should be comfortable and a refuge of safety & happiness as much as possible. Let me end my little opinion here by saying that children remember how people treated them for the rest of their lives. If your Dad is being hateful to this child, this just adds to her unstable life she had with her own parents. Maybe things will change & she can go back to a parent. She is not winning anywhere it seems. She needs laughter/happiness in her life especially right now. Something to think about. Who needs the most help. Your parents or the niece?????? If he can't change, she will be looking for other places/friends to be with so as not to be around him. Good luck to you.

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Sometimes it may be that people who have not lived around kids in a while, get really tired and annoyed with the activity kids bring to a home. On the other hand, was he a grumpy father to you? Or was he a loving, doting guy that is acting totally opposite now? My guess would be he expected you to eat what was on the table, you had very little junk food, and you all toned it down when he was home - played by his rules, so to speak. Maybe he has changed very little, but you understand this child was raised differently. You understand, but he doesn't get it.

Have a chat with the kid and just tell her old people get cranky and you're sorry he behaves that way. Then, privately, have a chat with him about being a little kinder to a kid that needs some love. Maybe he doesn't really understand what her situation was.

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I moved my 84 yo uncle to live with me but that was a mistake. He was so rude to me and always yelling at me that I finally had my son take him in. I was so stressed that my hair began falling out and I had just got out of the hospital. My uncle says that the kids steal his food and that they talk about him behind his back. He doesn't like one of my son's friend and is rude to him. He calls me and only within minutes he starts yelling at me, so I hang up and I don't him from him for a week or so.

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Your son doesn’t need this toxicity either. :(

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Some men (and some women) really do not like kids very much. Your dad is no doubt annoyed by her presence in his living space. If he is something of a curmudgeon anyway, he will have no reluctance to express his irritation.

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Please ask your father what bothers him to start with. Any pain, like arthritis? Perhaps since times have now changed, is he mad because he cannot control things he formerly enjoyed, such as activities have stopped because of COVID-19? Changes may make older people irritable; not to be taken too personally yet draw the line what is accepted reactions.

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He's a egotistical old man who thinks he can rule the roost like he probably has his whole life. Put him in his place and tell him if he doesn't back off, you're going to find him another place to live and it could be less than desirable than now. And...do it! Show him a list. Let him hear conversations to facilities so he knows you are serious. He's lived his life. It's time to care for that poor girl, who desperately needs someone to count on. Good luck and keep that backbone strong!

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All old people are well advised to make plans while they are still in good mental health for the time when they may become in need of constant help. It is best to plan to never move into someone els's houehold nor to bring someone else into your household.Make plans now to hire help for yard work, cleaning, maintenance, etc.; and then to go into a truly good assisted living facility in a good location when and if you should become unable to manage your own affairsStay in your own home by just hiring extra help for as long as possible. then go to a great assisted living facility you have chosen ahead of time. Advise your doctor and any appropriate people of your plans ahead of time. It is almost always best to avoid ever trying to live in someone els's house or to bring anyone to live in your house. There are, of course, a few exceptionsto this rule. There are a very few rare situations where middle aged children do really lovinglly care for their elderly parents with the parents being polite and grateful.I personally know one such. however, i believe it is very rare for two households to combine amicably.

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Yes

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Well...he had all your attention before your niece moved in. Now he is "second fiddle"
Why will the first child act out when the baby comes?
Have a sit sown discussion with him and tell him "Susie Q" is here to stay. Your goal is to provide a safe and loving environment for her, if he does not want to help with that goal then you will help him (them) find other living arrangement for him. An apartment, Independent Living or Assisted Living that will fit his / their needs. (I am guessing your mom does not have the same issues but same goes for her as well)
Have a sit down discussion with your niece.."Susie Q" and tell her that "Pop" is old and he is sort of comfortable the way things were but he will try his best but you also have to try to get along as well, respect their space, treat both Pop and Mom with respect. And find time each day to sit and talk to them. Learn about them. They will learn about her as well.

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He is jealous of the attention she gets as well as her youth in general.

Set a ground rule for zero tolerance of nastiness. Basic “Starting today, if we all can’t say something nice around here , we don’t say anything at all: no dirty looks, snide remarks or verbal negative sounds of any kind in order for us all to live together we need to adjust how we talk to each other”.

Keep in mind that includes everyone, in case you might be gruff when talking to him? Or you may harbor some resentment towards him?Sometimes it’s just a family habit of being “honest” to mask resentment and jealousy.

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Those reading your E Mail may not truly know enough to make a judgement.If and only if you are being very honest, my advice was good. However, possibly, you are not very nice yourself and possibly you never really loved and respected your father.You do describe him very rudely. Are you justified in that or not. i cannot know.

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He just may not like her. My mother does not like my son because she does not like his father. Grandparents are wierd like this. Just remind him that he is in your house and that he needs to respect everyone in it, including your niece.

People do change and get cranky with age. My mom is like this; she is 82 years old and very difficult to be with for more than 2 hours. I always think something will change and I would really enjoy her but she is so set in her ways and her body hurst all over that she is just grouchy! Oh, and she argues with me and hangs up the phone if I express how I feel. She never wants to be in a position of vulnerability so she hangs up instead so she has some power.

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For a long time I said the max time I could spend with my mother was 4 hours. MAX. One time it was less than 10 minutes! She could be nice, but she could be a real doozy. That was BEFORE any dementia. I had wavered for a long time about perhaps taking my parents in. Dad, maybe, until he needed physical assistance, which I couldn't do. Mom? Eeesh. One trip to SC for vaca more or less made my decision final!

Two hours is probably an average, mainly if others were around. One on one, no way. I am glad I chose not to take her in when dementia required a safe place (she had been living alone.) She couldn't do stairs then (only way in/out of my place) and bathrooms are too small to make handicap accessible. More recently is refusal to stand/walk without major help, which I can't do (she outweighs me by a lot and lower back condition limits what I can do.)

She didn't become crankier (a bit nasty when we had to move her.) She actually is quite nice now at MC and many staff like her! They didn't grow up with her though.... ;-)

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