I have been her caregiver in one way or another for 10 or 12 years but now I must monitor her medicines, oversee her daily therapy for stroke recovery, and make sure all her other medical needs are performed regularly; bladder cathing, regular BMs, bathing, dressing, feeding, staying hydrated, getting ample nutrients and vitamins and minerals, and virtually her every need. Her mind is still clear enough she can understand most what I tell her but memory is gone day by day! She has no emotion when she speaks, of any kind. We are neither spiritual but I am a moral, empathetic person of integrity. She and I have never been close. Our relationship has lasted 63 years mostly... because of my strong sense of responsibility. She wants me close by most of the time except for trips for groceries and necessities. I have devoted most of my retired life to her health and comfort and I sometimes stop and wonder if I will ever get to live again before my health turns south and I join the ranks of the infirm. I seldom get to hold an intelligent conversation with someone, much less spend a couple days at the casino or at the beach or just living! I don't know if I could live with myself to simply commit her, knowing she realized what was happening. Has anyone else faced and resolved this dilemma? I realize this is a deeply personal decision and my reasoning won't be the same as someone else!
What does that mean?
It sounds as though you envision dropping her off at some Dickension asylum.
Consider that SHE might have a better quality of life in a memory care or skilled nursing facility with a peer group and professionals trained in caregiving, rather than a burned out, overwhelmed, aging spouse.
Please start by calling your local Area Agency on Aging and getting her a needs assessment to see what her level of care needs to be.
Schedule a visit with a highly qualified eldercare attorney to figure out Financials.
(((((Hugs))))).
My Mom’s is beautiful, and there are LOVELY caregivers there.
You wouldn’t be obligated, and you could see what’s available.
In my opinion, you could still be very committed to your wife, as well as live your life.
At the very least, consider hiring some help.
Best wishes to you.
When I worked as a front desk receptionist in a Memory Care Assisted Living residence, I met many, many spouses who were faced with the same decision you are faced with now: to either place their spouse in Memory Care to save their OWN lives or continue trying to care for them at home when it was literally impossible to do so. They made the tough decision to place them and were happy they did. The spouses would come by to see their loved one daily, some of them, and have lunch or take them out for a drive, dinner at a nearby restaurant, etc. Sometimes they'd just stay in the rec room and watch a movie together, or take a nap in the spouse's suite. It wasn't the house of horrors you've managed to conjure up in your head, nor were they the monsters you seem to think spouses are who make the decision to use managed care after a lengthy time of in home caregiving.
The vast majority of us who have placed our loved ones in Memory Care AL see and recognize the fact that they've gotten better care there, and way more socialization and stimulation, than they would have gotten staying with us at home. With nothing to do and nobody to socialize with.
It has nothing to do with 'morals' or 'integrity' as those family members would tell you, and as I myself will tell you, b/c to suggest otherwise is to suggest that those of us who have chosen managed care have no morals or integrity. I assure you that is not the case, and those that choose in home care are not 'better than' those who do not. It's a personal decision and not one that should be made based on anything but your ability to properly care for your wife AND your desire to do so for X amount of years more. No, you will have no life moving forward, and even less of a life as she continues to deteriorate down the dementia path. Your duties will only increase as she becomes incontinent (maybe dually so), starts wandering, and staying up all night with insomnia.
Wishing you the best of luck with whatever decision you arrive at.
I would say that it's time to explore facilities for her. You need a life.
If she is accepted into either program, there are benefits that will not only provide her professional care but will give you the rest to breath easier knowing that she is being helped and cared for by positive people. Take advantage of the services that these programs offer to caregivers because YOU need support and care too.
I'm glad I approached my mom's primary doctor to ease the caregiving my sister who lived with mom needed due to my sister's increasing health issues. At times, mom who had progressive congested heart failure and ad fib seemed healthier than her daughter. We were fortunate that mom did not decline mentally and was still following her stocks daily on CNBC.
I cannot say enough positive things about the Palliative and Hospice care my mom received from these services. The CNA was the same person when she began twice a week and continued with mom when we increased to 5 days a week and transferred mom to Respite care. The nurses were great -- and always available 24/7 either in person or on the phone. The social worker and religious care were fabulous. When the religious care volunteer visited I would leave the apartment so mom would have private time with her for praying and speaking her mind without me in the background.
You deserve to have time for yourself and to participate with others. If not in person, perhaps taking a course or seminar online via Zoom to interact with others would be helpful. You definitely need a break and investigate what is available for you and your wife.
At this point, if you don't make arrangements for the new guards to take your place for all those many hands-on duties, then you will have set her up to perhaps loose her only champion. You are not abandoning her. You are securing help and saving yourself for the both of you. It's time.
There are many great recommendations from the other responders to your post. I can't add anything other than to say please take note and follow their instructions and steps to get help from professionals.
You did good, super good. Now catch a few rays and enjoy the view of the horizon from a beach. Put a chip down for us.
You could start with speaking with your mother's primary care doctor (PCP) and say "call on the troops", basically have the PCP write orders for as much home care as your mother needs and is eligible for on her medical (VNA, p/t, o/t, speech, home blood draws) as well as the Church people--it's never too late to join a Church. Our parishioners come faithfully every Sunday!
I don't know if your mother's situation is too far along but perhaps a 4 hour, once a week respite day program. They have them for Dementia patients with different stages. Sounds like you would need a "medical" model with an RN on site. Many have transportation.
The no emotion is difficult because they can't help it, they lose empathy when the mind ages. I know you miss speaking to your Mom, me too as she was always someone I could confide in and tell everything but now it is a daughter-patient relationship.
You can do a lot of virtual tours--every place has a website. Sounds like you are out of gas. Maybe you need a vacation. Speak with your Mom's PCP and see what they come with. You have to make the changes along with the stages that your loved one is in. You sound like an outstanding person who has a good moral conscience. Every mother should be so fortunate as you sound like you are a son that would make any mother proud!
Hang in there brother...
Wishing you the best😊
Have her evaluated to see if she would qualify.
You would have a Nurse that would come at least 1 time a week to check on her.
You would have a CNA that would come at least 2 times a week to bathe her, dress her and change bedding if needed.
You would get all the supplies you need as well as any equipment.
You would also have the ability to have her placed in Respite Care for about 1 week so you get a break. (This is covered by Medicare, Medicaid and other Insurance, a great benefit of Hospice)
And you would have the ability to request a Volunteer that could come and sit with her for a few hours. They can do no hands on care (no medications, changing)
If you decide that placing her is the best option the Social Worker that is assigned on the Hospice Team can help find a place that would be appropriate and may even be able to "fast track" getting her in, many facilities might have a "waiting list" but with a Hospice admission they realize the resident might not be there long term (sorry to be blunt. the typical Hospice "6 months or fewer" is a guideline there are many that are on Hospice for longer and many more for much shorter lengths of time.)
But Hospice will give you all the support that you need.
Its time to get relief and help for yourself. Ask wife's primary care for a social worker to sort out what is available. At the very least a caregiver could come to your home several times a week. Get some housekeeping help also. You can get groceries and prescriptions delivered to help.
Can you reconnect with friends, neighbors or family?
If not maybe join a church. Look through facebook or the newspaper to see what social activities are available near you.
You deserve time for yourself while you can enjoy getting out!
I am curious about one thing in your post. You said her mind was still clear enough that she understands things but her memory is gone day by day. Has she been to a neurologist and been officially diagnosed with Alzheimers? Or could she have just short term memory loss or one of the many, many other forms of dementia?
Also be aware that with all her medical conditions and need for bladder cathing, etc. she may not be a candidate for memory care, or even assisted living. A skilled nursing facility (nursing home) may be your only option.
It's time for you to get all the legal work done so you can get her placed. Nursing homes often have long waiting lists. An elder care attorney will be able to guide you on what you need but at the very least a power of attorney and health care proxy should be in place.
Best of luck to you.
You have done your duty and you need to take some time for yourself before you are unable. Yes, she may not be happy, but as you said her memory is done by end of day.
Scratch that...I apologize I thought it was your Mom, but I still think you are a great person! Do you have a single brother, most woman would love to meet a devoted man like you!
As for your question, the answer is found when you seek to balance the equation. There is an imbalance in your situation and your mind and body are telling you to seek it. Your financial well being may define how well you can balance it. But, balance it you must. You only get one go through this life and your life matters too. ✨️
Wishing you peace and well-being in mind, body, and soul.
Heather
taking care of you is taking care of your wife.
I am blessed to have a wonderful friend that talks to me every day and encourages me, who watches over me while I take care of my husband who has to have a catheter and doesn’t understand why he has to have a catheter. I have to watch him very carefully so he won’t pull out the catheter or the leg bag. My husband and I have been very close and so it’s very painful for me to see his decline.
I would encourage you to reach out to other people for help. Have you?
So, how about a facility somewhere between the casino and the beach you long to linger at? When you're not busy, you can drop in on Mom and play a game with her. Since she is sharp, perhaps you can get her a computer where she can play Lumosity and other challenging games. (https://www.lumosity.com/app/v4/dashboard?ll_ad_id=4010&ll_lesid=)
Make your announcement to mom and then invite her to go look at the facilities so that you don't have to make the decision where she goes.
Our children and grandchildren do like to visit and go to the beach so we are staying put for now. I also have a very impaired mother nearby in SN. I don't know if I would have the energy to move after leaving a house we lived in for 30 years but I do contemplate an area that isn't so crowded.
My husband has vascular dementia also. But he can walk although it can be very difficult at times. I've never heard of Eden Home Care. So I will certainly check this out. At present I am his only caregiver.
Thank you,
Pam
Did you marry in extraordinary haste?
You can "commit" her - not the word I'd choose, but I'm sure we mean the same thing - and continue to oversee her quality of life, you know. Living in residential care does not end a person's relationships.
Why not begin with respite care, which will give you both some time out and an opportunity to see how your wife adapts to receiving care from others.
I love my husband deeply and I can't imagine being able to do this without that kind of love. You are a person of great integrity. I commend you on that.
But one thing I have learned and am learning is that you absolutely MUST take care of yourself. Please don't let another day go by without starting that process.
Pam