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He needs to have all his errands done by someone else. He gets confused when he’s driving. He can’t carry groceries. I’ve tried ordering them online but he won’t bring them in. He can’t clean or do laundry. He has several panic attacks a day. He had a major stroke 9 years ago but his behavior is getting worse. He literally won’t get off the couch except to go to the bathroom. He uses a walker. He also screams all day and some nights. He abuses his pain medication. Our divorce will be final some day this week. I want to continue to care for him, I just can’t live with him anymore because of the outbursts in the middle of the night. I recently saw that I can get paid to be his caregiver. That would have been extremely helpful the last 9 years!

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I'm not sure I understand why after divorcing your husband that you would still want to care for him.
He certainly sounds like he requires more care than any one person can do by themselves.
Instead of seeking pay to care for him,(which if you get any it won't be very much) why don't you seek to find the appropriate facility where he will receive the 24/7 care he requires and you can get on with your life.

I cared for my late husband for 24 1/2 years after he had a major stroke at the age of 48, and never once even thought that I should get paid for that, as when I took my wedding vows it was in sickness and health, till death do us part.
And here you are wanting to get paid to care for your soon to be ex-husband. Just when you think you've heard it all.
If your ex-husband is on Medicaid I know that they will allow a few hours paid help per week, and also if he is a Vet, they have what is called Aide and Assistance, that will pay for a few hours as well.
But again, whatever little pay you may be able to receive, I don't believe that it will be worth it.
And who am I to tell you not to care for a man that you obviously don't still love, but apparently aren't ready to cut ties with even though you're divorced? And surely it can't be for the piddly money you may get for "caring" for him, right?
You may need to rethink all this.
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AlvaDeer Oct 2023
Amen.
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I think it will be easier to have him placed in LTC than find anyone to pay you to care for him. Medicaid has programs but you may not get paid all that much and for 8 hrs a day or more.

What you are describing, he needs to be in a facility where his meds are monitored 24/7. He can't be left alone.
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Jamisue1 Oct 2023
He refuses to go anywhere inpatient.
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Who are you to act as if you know me or my situation. I’ve been and nursed him for the last 9 years. My grandchildren aged 8, 3, 3, 1 and 2 months are not allowed to come over because of his violent outbursts and threats. I do love him very much and want to take care of him but that’s my whole life because no one wants to be around him. He’s been arrested 3 times for abusing me. One time it was felony because he split my head open. I’m terrified of his moods and outbursts and he’s gotten us evicted because he chose to scream all night long. I need a stable roof over my head. I want my grandbabies to come over and I don’t want to be scared in m
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Who are you to act as if you know me or my situation? I’ve been and nursed him for the last 9 years. My grandchildren aged 8, 3, 3, 1 and 2 months are not allowed to come over because of his violent outbursts and threats. I do love him very much and want to take care of him but that’s my whole life because no one wants to be around him. He’s been arrested 3 times for abusing me. One time it was felony because he split my head open. I’m terrified of his moods and outbursts and he’s gotten us evicted because he chose to scream all night long. I need a stable roof over my head. I want my grandbabies to come over and I don’t want to be scared in my own home. Because I love him I want to continue to help him and I’m the only person he listens to. I need to get a job and it was suggested I might be able to be his caregiver which would benefit both of us. He had his stroke 3 weeks after we got married and I chose to stay and take care of him. Most people would not put up with what I have so maybe before you jump down my throat why don’t you ask questions and not judge me.
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Animallovers Oct 2023
Sometimes love means letting go if that is best for your loved one. It isn’t a judgment or criticism of you in any way, it just sounds like he needs professionals who know how to handle his outbursts and who can keep him safe. You do need and deserve a safe roof over your head and a place where you can have your grandchildren over. You can continue to visit him in whatever facility he is in but there will be people there to help should his behavior become a threat to you. You may find that with the right placement your relationship will be better. My mothers behavior is nothing like your husbands and we are very close. I have found that having others handle her daily care has made our relationship better. Sometimes I feel inadequate for not having been able to meet her needs but, as one of her caregivers pointed out, her reactions to me and mine to her are based on the past and though I can tell her the same things they do or try to help as they do but I’m her child still. I know your relationship isn’t a parent/child one but it was based on the man you knew before he got worse, even before your marriage and his stroke. I wouldn’t be surprised if part of his anger was really at himself but he directs it at you because he can’t be the husband he wanted to be. You have gone above and beyond for him already, it is ok to step back now. You deserve to have your own life again and he deserves to get the professional help that he needs at this stage. People are responding out of concern for you, not judgement. Please look into having him placed, for the sake of both of you, your relationship, and your extended family. We do honestly care.
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"I need a stable roof over my head".

Yes. That sounds indeed a very good aim. A safe place for you to live. A safe place you can have your family, including grandchildren visit.

Loving someone.
Being a caregiver.
They get wrapped together by marriage. They won't necessarily separate because of a marriage legally ending. That's up to you.

You are free to love this man or not as your heart directs you. Love the man, or memory of the man you married. You are also free to choose to be his caregiver. Or choose NOT to be his caregiver. Choose NOT to put yourself in danger.

Is money the main incentive to become his paid caregiver?

I am wondering is another job would pay better? Have you looked into other jobs? Maybe local supermarkets or chain stores?

Or if not money, what is behind you wanting to remain his main caregiver? I'm not just asking to be nosy, but hoping you can find the path you truly want.
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"He’s been arrested 3 times for abusing me. One time it was felony because he split my head open. I’m terrified of his moods and outbursts and he’s gotten us evicted because he chose to scream all night long. I need a stable roof over my head. "

How would going back to this man provide you with "a stable roof over your head" after the abuse he's doled out to you??

You may not like the comments you get here on the forum, but let me say this: NONE OF US will ever, ever recommend that you go BACK into such a terribly abusive situation, where you claim to "be terrified". Not to mention having grandbabies over to such an unstable and volatile environment!

You may not like my comment either, but re-read your statements and ask yourself WHY ON EARTH you'd go back into such a dangerous environment? Love is not enough to risk your life for, and certainly a pittance of a caregiver wage isn't worth this risk!

You're better off in a women's shelter where they'll give you a stable roof over your head and help you find a job and an apartment of your own.

I say this as a woman who's been abused myself. I left his sorry arse in the middle of the night some 45 years ago and NEVER looked back. Because I'm worth more than being abused by some jackass. And SO ARE YOU.
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Because I love him.... that is an abused women's mantra. It's the reason women go back time and time again for more abuse with their partner. Or men with an abusive partner too.

If love was enough you would not have had to divorce him. If love was enough you would not have had to live in fear of your life. If love was enough your husbands broken and damaged brain could have been fixed. But love isn't enough. Sometimes obstacles like these are not fixable and cannot be overcome, no matter your good intentions.

Your husband needs professional help. You cant be and are not the professional help he needs.

If you love him then do the right thing to help him by stepping back and away from this man and allow people to come into his life that may be able to help him.

You are not that person.
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Worriedspouse Oct 2023
Do you know the reasons for their divorce? She didn’t reveal it, so I don’t know. I think your answer was rather harsh. She didn’t ask us if she should stay or walk away. She asked how to be paid as his caregiver.
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Hi, I am becoming a paid caregiver for my sister here in New York. I don't know where you live but the RULE is NO spouse or even ex-spouse can care for a loved one. At least in New York. If you want to try to apply which I think is NOT in yours or your ex-husbands best interest. You would call your local county Office of Aging. They can guide as what is best and if you really need to go forward with being his caregiver they will tell you what needs to be done. But realize! He will assessed by a nurse in the home!!! She ordered he will see how he is and what his behaviors are like. The nurse will then make recommendations IF he qualifies for long term home care. Or if he needs to be inpatient. That will be reported to state Medicaid!! Then a report will be sent to him as to their decision. You can appeal if you so choose if you do not like the decision.
So... It's not just applying to be his paid caregiver. There are a lot of investigations and assessments. Think about it. If he has abused you, I doubt he will be approved for home care with you.
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If you are in New York State and your husband has Medicaid, there is a program called Freedom Care that will pay caregivers.
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My mom was on Medicare and I was unable to get paid for caring for her. I quit my job to do such but there was no income or reimbursement provided for my doing this. Medicare does not do this. Nor do they pay for caregivers. They do pay for occupational, physical and speech therapists to come out to try to help for so many visits and we did utilize those services. We were able to eventually get a geriatric Dr that made house calls with Medicare as well but that took a lot if work and this dr is not available at any time you need for sure. Eventually, we elected Hospice and had a nurse and lady to help with showers.
medicaid offers more if you are on that and all around services for both by state vary so I would research based on your specifics.
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FamilyNeeded Oct 2023
What they offer can vary from state to state. In Wisconsin they DO allow family to be caregivers. The program here that is wonderful is called IRIS because it gives the person the ability to stay home and have family, friends, or anyone they choose to be their caregiver. It also provides for therapies that are NOT covered by Medicaid. You have to first see if Medicaid covers it and if they do not, they will help you get the therapy, activities, or items needed.
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"Getting Paid as a Caregiver by Medicaid (medicaidlongtermcare.org)"

The above is a good way to START your online search for information for your own state and area, but in many (most) states family members can get paid to be caregivers IF THE SENIOR IS ON MEDICAID. MissMom is correct that MediCARE doesn't provide for this.

You need to know that the payment is very small for what amounts to 24/7 care and that we on Forum often hear from folks who have gone jobless and homeless after the death of a parent, without a job history or savings to rely on. Moreover they often end with serious depression and mental breakdown.
Payment is usually only paid to IN HOME 24/7 caregivers.

I wish you good luck in researching this, but I recommend what you intend to do. This is a long slow downhill slog that has nothing to offer you.
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You don't say how old you are? Do you work, collect Social Security?
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Confer with your attorney. It will be very important to have appropriate POA, PCG, etc documents in place for both his well being and yours. Also it sounds like whoever has the legal authority, needs to confer immediately with his PCP , share the observed decline of his health and,get a home health or hospice assessment for him asap.
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You said he refuses to go anywhere inpatient. That may not be a choice he is allowed to make. Is his doctor fully aware of everything? I mean everything -- including the violence and the fear you have? He needs to be aware and make appropriate recommendations. If he ends up going to the ER for anything, tell them it is not safe for him to come home, that he is a danger to you (sounds like that is 100% truth). He needs a complete mental evaluation and from there he may get placed somewhere. Unless your home is rented and a landlord can refuse to renew your lease, you will not be forced out of your home. You will still have a roof over your head and your grandchildren will be able to come visit.

Obviously your own children are aware of what is going on or they wouldn't refuse to bring the grandchildren over. What do they have to say about their father (?) or step-father? Are they supportive of you? Are they willing to step up and lend you a hand?
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There are programs in every state. We have one here that is called IRIS. Is he on Medicaid? If not, see if he can apply. He can choose whoever he wants to be his caregiver ...that includes family. They will not only help pay for his care, but also for other things he needs that are not covered by insurance.

Please also look into his medications, as this could very likely be what is causing his behavior and pain. You can sometimes find even natural solutions that will not have all the horrible side effects.
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So - the short answer is: here's a link to services by state: https://www.caregiver.org/connecting-caregivers/services-by-state/

I've read many of the comments regarding his abusive behavior, and - were, I you, I'd run. I left an abusive relationship and if my ex ever found himself needing home care, it would be a cold day in hell before I'd be the person doing it.

May I make a suggestion? Find family or friends who can spend a week with him, and spend time away to get perspective. Heck - drop him off at the ER and just go - get some time for yourself. I think you're so involved that you've forgotten what it's like to be free of his needs. If after a week, you decide that's really how you want to spend the rest of your life, at least you've made an informed choice.
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I don't understand how being your ex-husband's "paid" caregiver will improve his behavior toward you. If the situation is so dangerous that you have had to call the police three times, how does your getting paid make it safer for you? As your ex-husband's employee, he could fire you at will. He could report you as abusive, or kill you in "self-defense." Staying with this person is self-destructive, married or not. He needs professional help.
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Beatty Oct 2023
Argree with you. It appears the original question's focus was turning a non-paid caregiving role into a paid job - rather than improve the safety, reducing the violence & agressive behaviour.

I don't know if the OP has been back. I hope changes have been made.
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OP hasn’t come back since posting “Who are you to act as if you know me or my situation”. Answer: a forum of people who you asked for advice.
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Jamisue1: Retain an attorney. Also, I fear for your safety as your ex husband has violent tendencies.
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You need therapy. Who are we? We are the people you asked for help. If you don't like what we have to say, go elsewhere. Frankly, I don't believe you're anything because even battered women appreciate when someone is trying to offer them actual help and good advice.
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I have known of people that get divorced for financial reasons. Not saying that you are doing this, but for people questioning why is she wanting to care for a husband that she is divorcing. Sometimes people still love the person in spite of their behavior, because they recognize it is part of their illness(es).

I have seen ads for "freedomcare" but know absolutely nothing about them. They state in their ads that a family member can get paid to care for providing the care.

Best of luck to you.
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Your needs do not matchup. talk it out.
You need to separate into acounts both sets of needs and the financial requirements too.,
There may not be a good solution . Ken
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How about having him hire you through Care.com?
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