I always read, and respond to, comments from people who are laying guilt trips on others for needing to place a parent in a care home environment; Skilled Nursing, Memory Care or Assisted Living.
If you LOVED your mother, they'll say, you'd care for her at home, even if it's killing you to do so!
How's that for a guilt trip? Yet we read comments like that ALL THE TIME here!
What does love have to do with the need to place a loved one in a care home environment?
As a receptionist in a Memory Care community, I DARE you to tell ANY ONE of the sons, daughters, husbands, wives or other loved ones that they do not 'LOVE' their family member and 'put' them there in this place to rot away! I'd sure love to see the fight that would break out as a result of such an insensitive comment.
Not many people would have the chutzpah to make that comment in real life, to someone's face, yet find it perfectly acceptable to do so under the veil of anonymity here on the forum.
I call FOUL!
When is it okay to say you've had enough and that you're human and can't care for your loved one any longer? Do you have to be in the hospital yourself before it's acceptable to surrender?
I will say this: my parents have been in Assisted Living/Memory Care since 2014; Dad passed in 2015. My mother is almost 93 and still alive precisely BECAUSE she's in a care environment with a staff to look after her 24/7! Had she been in my home, or living in the 'heaven' everyone seems to think is her Own Home all this time, she would have died long ago.
Having a staff 24/7, round the clock, is safer and a lot more effective than trying to care for a loved one yourself day & night! And knowing when to call the doctor, or when to call 911, or when to get an xray and on and on. In a care environment, those things are a known quantity, as a rule, and done FOR the elder.
It's okay also to take care of your loved one in your home, or their home, if that is what you truly want to do, and if you're happy doing so, and if THEY are safe in that environment. But please, do not pass judgment on those who MUST place their loved one in care!
You actually may find YOURSELF in that boat one day and I promise you that you will not welcome comments telling you that if you 'loved' your mother, you wouldn't have 'put her in a home.'
Some decisions are out of our hands. Some decisions are made FOR us. And some decisions have to be made for the sheer necessity of it.
Be kind when leaving a comment here on the forum. Lots of people are hurting and genuinely in need of a sincere word of understanding and empathy rather than judgment.
It helps to remember that caring for a LO at home, in their own home, or a long term care facility are all options with their own benefits and problems. Many caregivers need to decide if caring for their LO at home is "do-able" in terms of the time commitment, physical requirements, and - sometimes - the emotional toll on the caregiver. Caring for a LO in their own home is "do-able" by family and paid staff as long as the home is safe and accessible to caregivers and LO. Long term care facilities provide 24/7 care for their clients and try to provide "home-like" environments. Long term care facilities are the most expensive option but best for LO with overwhelming needs.
Whatever caregivers and families decide should always be guided by desire to provide best care in a loving environment.
I am an only child, my dad died of dementia 3 weeks ago in a memory care home, and right now my mom is locked up in a mental health facility and the staff thinks she is showing signs of dementia too. They are recommending placement somewhere soon - or if she insists on staying in her home she needs someone there 24-hours a day. This has been a long and unpleasant journey and will go on indefinitely into the future.
My parents had me (and only me) when they were in their 20s, by the time they were in their early 40s I was independent. I would say they got the MUCH easier end of the bargain!
For your sake I hope you can get her into a care facility now! What does "soon" mean to these people? Do they think she is safe to discharge home alone?
I've read that staff will try to take the easy way out and push the work onto relatives but if you stand your ground they must make arrangements.
you must have found a trustworthy facility and I commend you for that. My mother is in a memory care assisted living and was left unchanged (diaper) for 15.5 hours straight. Reasoning is her combativeness. We are at the top of the food chain paying for the care she is supposed to be getting and is not. I am under the impression if you work in a dimentia unit, you are well equipped with re-directing, diverting attention, distracting the resident and not utter neglect.
My mom is presently in rehab and can’t walk due to falling in her home for the umpteenth time. She uses that guilt trip on us her adult children. So, the sibling who has control won’t put her in assisted living. It appears she will bypass any chance of having a mellow old age and go straight to nursing home. She is diabetic and has mild dementia.
Even if others don’t agree, they can still respect choices that are made that are best for everyone, the elder and caregiver.
Constructive criticism is great! Constructive criticism is thought provoking and helpful but making someone feel guilty about placing someone in a facility is totally different.
An example of constructive criticism is when I was worn out but wouldn’t let go. It doesn’t hurt to encourage someone to let go. Sometimes people need a push to get over a hump!
My biggest problem was I placed guilt on myself. Guilt is absolutely a trap! We start to feel unworthy. We start to feel like our feelings don’t matter and we must sacrifice everything which is not true.
Honestly, I became numb to it all. I don’t think I fully realized how much of my life I had sacrificed until the after effects hit me when it was finally over, after she had moved into my brother’s home.
I guess it depends on the circumstances of the individual. My mom requires lots of care and it wore me out, physically and emotionally.
If I had been caring for someone like my near 98 year old cousin it would have been different. She is in good health, no walker, not even a cane, drives, upbeat and funny, overall a lovely woman. Hey, I could deal with that!
My cousin still lives independently. I do worry about her driving because she did get a speeding ticket! Hahaha
I saw a video on YouTube about when to place someone in a home. There was someone commenting their judgement towards others. They don't get it.
At least we know deep down what's right. That's what counts
I can't help but wonder if some of the anti long term care philosophy comes from antiquated notions about places from long ago. Maybe, they can't let go or accept the reality of today. To each his own, I suppose, so, it doesn't bother me if they feel that way. All opinions are welcome.
Something that does bother me is when the idea of being loud and verbally abusive to a LO who is annoying due to their illness, is justified, because they (the home caregivers) are overwhelmed. Or the caregiver must leave the LO alone, when it is unsafe to do so.......yet, they refuse to consider alternate care. These things concern me greatly.
My DH does not like ALs or NHs. He very rarely will enter one. I have told him I will keep him home as long as I can but cannot promise him anything. He weighs 80 lbs more than I do.
When Mom came to live with me, it was not going to be permanent. I hoped to sell her house. With those proceeds and money she had I was hoping to get her into an AL. Which I later did. No one should have to care for someone 24/7. Plus, for many is a history thing. No one should have to care for someone who has been abandoned or abused by the person they r asking to care for.
I at one time wondered why people didn't take a parent in. My eyes have been opened an I judge no more.
Now however all the siblings are in their 90’s and all want to stay in their own homes. Three of them are not safe or capable of living on their own.
It’s scary to think that one of them who is alone still drives at 95.
I completely agree with everything you have said. I know that when my mom was in the nursing home she started doing better, got better care since they had her eating properly and doing physical therapy.
I saw a big improvement until brother took her out because he was worried about her money.