When is it okay to surrender?
I always read, and respond to, comments from people who are laying guilt trips on others for needing to place a parent in a care home environment; Skilled Nursing, Memory Care or Assisted Living.
If you LOVED your mother, they'll say, you'd care for her at home, even if it's killing you to do so!
How's that for a guilt trip? Yet we read comments like that ALL THE TIME here!
What does love have to do with the need to place a loved one in a care home environment?
As a receptionist in a Memory Care community, I DARE you to tell ANY ONE of the sons, daughters, husbands, wives or other loved ones that they do not 'LOVE' their family member and 'put' them there in this place to rot away! I'd sure love to see the fight that would break out as a result of such an insensitive comment.
Not many people would have the chutzpah to make that comment in real life, to someone's face, yet find it perfectly acceptable to do so under the veil of anonymity here on the forum.
I call FOUL!
When is it okay to say you've had enough and that you're human and can't care for your loved one any longer? Do you have to be in the hospital yourself before it's acceptable to surrender?
I will say this: my parents have been in Assisted Living/Memory Care since 2014; Dad passed in 2015. My mother is almost 93 and still alive precisely BECAUSE she's in a care environment with a staff to look after her 24/7! Had she been in my home, or living in the 'heaven' everyone seems to think is her Own Home all this time, she would have died long ago.
Having a staff 24/7, round the clock, is safer and a lot more effective than trying to care for a loved one yourself day & night! And knowing when to call the doctor, or when to call 911, or when to get an xray and on and on. In a care environment, those things are a known quantity, as a rule, and done FOR the elder.
It's okay also to take care of your loved one in your home, or their home, if that is what you truly want to do, and if you're happy doing so, and if THEY are safe in that environment. But please, do not pass judgment on those who MUST place their loved one in care!
You actually may find YOURSELF in that boat one day and I promise you that you will not welcome comments telling you that if you 'loved' your mother, you wouldn't have 'put her in a home.'
Some decisions are out of our hands. Some decisions are made FOR us. And some decisions have to be made for the sheer necessity of it.
Be kind when leaving a comment here on the forum. Lots of people are hurting and genuinely in need of a sincere word of understanding and empathy rather than judgment.
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Very well said and I thank you for standing up for those of us who have experienced it as I have. With parents who were 40 years older than myself, I became a caregiver at the age of 41 and am fast approaching 58. My dad passed away in 2004 - I helped take care of him six days a week in the home I grew up in so my mom wouldn't have to carry the whole burden herself as she was 79. I had been caring for her since 2004 as she so desperately wanted to stay in her home until she died. She wanted me to "promise" her I wouldn't put her in a nursing home. I didn't make that promise but, did do my best to keep her there with my help for as long as I could. Finally, after ten years of doing just that - I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't bring her into our home as we had a small, two-level house and the bathrooms were upstairs. So I took her car keys away, put a steering wheel lock on and began looking for an AL facility. I went to eight different places until I found one that didn't look like, smell like and didn't have a sterile, hospital environment. She moved in two weeks after her 90th birthday. Was she happy about it? NO - I took heat from a couple of her five remaining siblings who ranged in age from 70 - 85. The two had spouses with Alzheimer's and Lewy Body dementias and they had taken care of them in their home which is more natural than an adult child taking care of a parent(s) in their home. When I needed their guidance, input and support the most - I didn't get it.
I know myself very well along with my limitations. I'm a task oriented person - doing shopping, handling finances, taking them to appointments etc. but, I just am not qualified or have enough medical knowledge (no matter how much I read about a disease) to take proper care of my mom. For the last 16 years, I have worried constantly and it's been a long, hard road even with her being in AL. In April of this year, she had severe dehydration and then contracted COVID along with bi-lateral pneumonia and a severe UTI. Once she was released from both the hospital and rehab facility, I refused to take her back to the AL facility after them allowing her to be near death from the severe dehydration without telling me. We had been given three weeks while she was in rehab to find a new facility where I could put her in MC because she had declined so rapidly to the point she was no longer mobile. That was especially stressful as well as difficult to find a place we could afford, one that wasn't too far from us, one that didn't have COVID running rampant, one that was on the first floor, one that even had an apartment available and with a window so my husband and I could "window visit" and one that would even allow her to move in since she had the virus and was still recovering. Those are a lot of things that had to fall into place!! My husband couldn't even work and ended up taking a six-week medical leave of absence just to help field the phone calls I would receive from hospice, two placement agents, her old facility wanting to know what we were doing, the rehab facility wanting to know if we were actively looking for a place as they have to justify to Medicare why my mom is still staying there and so many others. There were many, many days we didn't get anything else done. She wasn't eating and had lost 20 pounds so I was taking her things I thought she would eat even if they weren't nutritional at least it was something that would give her energy and have calories in them. Oh and let's not forget the toll on our health and the stress on our marriage. That being said - if anyone wants to tell me that my husband and I don't love my mom, you have no idea what "hell" it's been unless you were watching us live our daily lives. Add to the mix the pandemic which has made everything exponentially more stressful and difficult. I look at it this way, someday those judging us will be put in a similar situation - how will they handle it then - time will tell!
If there is a possibility that YOU will become injured while caring for anyone...
If there is a possibility that someone else will become injured that should be a deciding factor.
If you are getting to the point where you truly just can't handle the emotional, mental stress that should be a deciding factor.
A friend of mine said to me once..if you get to the point where you are asking "when will I know when it is time to place my husband, wife, loved one in a facility" then it is probably time. You probably would not be asking if you were not there.
Let NO ONE judge you for a decision you make in regards to the care of your loved one if they have not been there with you every step of the way. They have no idea what it is like being you, caring for the person you care for 24/7.
(I read some of these posts where a loved one is angry, fighting, refusing to do whatever..and I think my lucky stars, I thank God every day for the kind and gentle man I cared for. He truly never was resistant to anything. Yeah he made quiet noises that would drive me nuts at times but ya know what...I miss that now)
Guilt, oh how I hate that word, should never be a part of your decision to keep your loved one safe.
Leaonnie1, thank you for your insight on this.
Maybe we should not call this "surrendering". Every soldier knows when they need to call in reinforcements, they may not like it but to "win" a battle you need help. Surrendering sounds like giving up, we don't give up we change strategies.
I have seen selfish people in this journey and it has saddened me, (because I really did need time from other family members to give me a moment to just gather all the options) and get a plan in place. Maybe those whom have said such things to someone else are just a little broken themselves - this does have a way of hurting the soul some days. So I hope whomever they were actually finds peace and whomever felt judged by someone else - realizes it most likely wasn’t about them and didn’t take it to heart. I would never think to ever be cruel to someone in this heavy decision. So if anything I hope the responses here are filled with more love and support (I haven’t read them yet) but when I do - I hope to see compassion and support than anything. I always attempt to let the good Lead. I think as with anything in life we may relate to one persons story here and maybe not someone else’s - that’s ok. There are so many variations here - nobody walks in anyone else’s shoes. We can o my support or lend and ear or advice. That is the best gift any one of us can give each other. 🦋
If the only decisions you ever have had to make have been good vs. bad, then you have had an extremely lucky and blessed life. Most of us haven't been that lucky.
I replied that the check goes to the home. None for the kids.
Here is what I dont understand?????? If you had all this money to get rid of why not just leave her in her home or your home and have 12-hour care(except when she sleeping.....This way she gets great care.
When the money was all gone, which would take awhile THEN put her in a nursing home!
Depending on assets and monthly income, even with 12 hour care, depending how long she lives you may have never needed the home!
“Whatever you do, honor the vows you made. When you are free in the eyes of God you can pursue a relationship. You won't enjoy it if you move too soon.“.
Insert - your story of the recording was very funny. No recording, but a live person at an untimely hour of the night, too!
Other than that, when you don’t have a spare moment to yourself. You know, when you are a nurse around the clock, day and night for your family member. Then it’s definitely time to let go!
"Don't turn away, don't stop seeing her. Take a step back & think. If I was in her shoes how would I feel, what would I want, what would I need. Think about this for a day deep inside yourself. I'll check in sometime tomorrow. "
Give us a break already with all this crap!
And oh yes - I WAS LIVING WITH MY MOTHER 7 STATES FROM MY OWN!😁😁😁😁
"Please don't put her.in a home, that's like having put you in a foster home or an orphanage! It's cruel! "
"How did she cope.when you.were a.baby? Same.way, now it's your turn to tend to.her! Love her and take care of.her no matter what!!!"
"We look at it as she took care of us when we were young and this is the least we can do for her because we love her."
Yep. The Guilt Trip comments are coming in fast & furious these days, sadly.
Not everyone would be able to place their parent(s) in a ALF or MC facility due to the finances. It would have to be the last resort, which you understand. I wonder if people understand that some people can get on medicare and Medicaid, if needed.
I applaud those who are able to care for their loved ones but if the 24/7 care is needed and it messes with your heath and those around you, I would really consider either AL or MC. Whichever would suit that person best.
Still, she's in much better health now getting the medical care, the mental stimulation, and the social interaction my dad couldn't give her. I'm freed up to just LOVE her, which is my job and I'm happy to do it. I see her every other day, and I don't have to change diapers which was humiliating for both of us, worry if she's getting the correct diet, or dropping her pills on the floor by accident.
Yes, it's sad to have to leave her home of 50 years, but there are sometimes choices to be made between two less than desirable situations. I know I made the correct decision, and yes,I had terrible guilt, but she's safe, cared for 24/7, and as I said, I'm freed up to love her.
Bootshop girl is tired. Mama has had Alzhimers 11 years. She has been in Memory Care for 1 year. I am closing our family's western store in the next 2 week's. It has been in our family 138 years. She is the owner. She will never know. I watched over her 7 1/2 years until I crashed. I KNOW Memory Care is best in my head. But my heart is a 1st class rebel. It is Christmas. I'm sad. My husband just said "Honey, all these people are coming. Everyone is a little sad. Let's go get a tree." I just got done reading all these posts. Thank you all so much! I feel better already. We are all in this boat together. If we keep shoring each other up.....this ship won't go down like the Titanic. Bless you all.