Things have always gone smoothly with our sweet 94 yr old father with vascular dementia. He has been able to live alone the past 4 yrs. Now he needs 24/7 care per Dr due to increase memory loss, incontinence, not eating well or forgetting to eat, losing weight, making bad choices that put him in harm's way and balance issues. My hubbie is an only child and he can't make a final decision. He is emotionally involved but not logical. I feel he is waiting for his dad to fall or get sick, then take him to the ER and then send him directly to a facility. Dad refuses belligerently to stay with us, go to a home or have a family member live with him. We have had discussions with the geriatric Dr and him to discuss these 3 choices. He is NOT HAVING IT! He wants to die alone and in his home! Next step I would like to use is therapeutic safety lying. We found a resident homecare and I'd like to take him there and tell him the Dr wants to take a sleep or heart test for one night or another story. Hubbie won't do it! My hubbie thinks having our unemployed son and girlfriend staying with him for a while would work. I don't think it will last. But i want him to have assistance asap. So today I asked him if his grandson and GF can stay with him for a few days, because the A/C doesn’t work and being we live in AZ, they can't stay at there home or with us. He said, yes it would be fine for a few days. Then 30 minutes later he calls back to say it may not be good to have them come, as it's too much work for him and he likes being alone. I told him he doesn't have to do anything. They will cook and clean and help with whatever you need done. He said, because he appreciates all I do for him, he will do it, if it helps me out. He can't remember from a second ago what he did or said. How come he can get off the phone, go sit down for 30 minutes and remember to call me back, questioning about why they are coming over and staying again? How come he can store this in his memory? He thought maybe it's not a good idea. It's as if he knows something is going on. Before he was OK with it and now, he isn't ok with it. If I wanted to come, and stay for a while, he would say Absolutely! Which I do go there for 2 to 3 nights to spend time with him. But I can't stay there permanently. I know he will be upset with any change; it will hurt to see him be upset but it's his safety and wellbeing that is #1. It happened with his car privileges, but he survived and did get over it. Any suggestions? Caregiver Help in AZ! Thank you. Lou Lou :)
it’s hard. I just want mom to have peace.
Why wait for a catastrophic event to happen and then place him? It may end up working out this way without his cooperation.
Please don’t ask your children to take care of their grandfather. Let them remain his grandchildren.
Best wishes to you and your family.
Others who have been through this will chime in with suggestions.
I would suggest that your FIL is a bit rattled at the idea of the grandson moving in. How old is your son?Have he and GF known one another long? Does your FIL have a good relationship with the two of them?
Will your son be looking for work? Does the GF work?
Your DH plan is the one many use knowing it is inevitable that FIL will decline until there is no choice.
It would be prudent to draw up a care contract. If this is done in advance, it can save a lot of strife down the road.
Will their be a salary involved? Will FIL be thinking he has a couple of moochers moving in and son thinking he’s being taken advantage of?
Hopefully there is a time limit set ahead of time for your son to be back at work. Is he your only child? Does he have children?
‘Sorry for so many questions but you will get more useful feedback if you fill in some of the blanks.
There is a lot that can go wrong with this plan but I have known it to work and I have known it to become a worse issue with the whole family upset at one another.
Have the hard talk up front. It’s only fair.
More than likely your son needs to get back to work to secure his own future.
Once they get mail at his house, in most states if not all, they are considered tenants.