What would you do in this situation concerning my MIL with dementia and our dog?

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What would you do in this situation concerning my MIL with dementia and our dog?

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Hello. We recently brought my mother in law home from a skilled nursing facility due to not being able to visit. We have a two year old English Mastiff who absolutely loves people. She is well trained.
My mother in law never had pets.
I don’t know if it is dementia or just her personality or a mix of both, but
she will engage the dog by talking to her and the dog does not jump or get into her space. She is in a wheelchair so I have worked with the dog not to put her head or paws on anyone.
The last couple of days she is wheeling over to the dog to hit or shove her.
My husband said that he talked to her, but her memory is pretty much toast, so that won’t work.
We have a great dog that I trust, but at the end of the day she is a dog.
I am terrified that the dog could get pushed too far and bite.
Currently I keep the dog by me, but I can’t do that forever and my husband isn’t always diligent in his duties.
Has anyone else been in this situation? What did you do?
Thank you!

Alzheimer's & Dementia New to Caregiving Pets

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My mom doesn’t have dementia. She has Parkinson’s disease. She had animals growing up and adored them. She loved my animals.

I did not have your situation. That is tough. All I can say is that in my experience my mom would treat our dog like her own. I had to ask her not to give him table scraps or too many treats.

I had a greyhound and they cannot be overweight. They will develop medical issues if they gain excess weight.

I am sure that you hate to see your dog being hit. Other posters will help you sort this out.

Best wishes to you and your family. It is a challenge to care for a parent.

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Thank you!

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You can not "train" mom to not hit, push, shove or otherwise antagonize the dog. And I am sure antagonizing is not what your mom intends to do. I am sure she want to engage the dog and have some interaction. The fact that you dog is large..no make that HUGE.. makes it easy to see and want some interaction.
They are gentle giants and would be one of the last dogs that would react adversely BUT there is only so much one can take.
Does your dog have a crate that she can go to to get some peace and quiet when she wants? Might be a good idea to make something like that available to her. Even if it is an empty room she can go to that your mom can not get to. (put a doggie door in a door to a bedroom if you have to)
Other than that the only option would be to keep the dog in an area of the house mom can not get to in her wheelchair.
I can see the disaster that might happen. Mom antagonizes the dog, she bites mom or maybe knocks her out of the chair and mom is injured. The bite or injury would be reported and then your dog is on the list as a violent, aggressive dog. (property insurance would go up if you are not dropped! as well)
I am a dog lover and would hate to have anything happen to either your mom or your dog.

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Thank you! Thankfully our mastiff is small.
I have her trained quite well and trying to keep the dog away from her.
She will randomly wheel over and hit or shove.
I am terrified of something happening.

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Have you told her to stop, every single time she heads for the dog?

Quite frankly, I think that hitting a dog or just being mean to one can get you bit and you deserve it dementia or not.

I would tell her to leave the dog alone every time I saw her moving towards her, it is unfair to the dog to be hit and that she could be bit. Every single time!

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Hi and thank you.
This behavior just started in the last couple of days.
She has a history of threatening to hit caregivers.
We had no idea how far her dementia was because we couldn’t visit her.
I did tell her not to talk to the dog and I moved the dog away from her.

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My daughter rescued a little poodle. He was very sweet. He was an older dog and had been abused.

A woman at the shelter told my daughter not to adopt him because she felt that he could be aggressive.

The dog was not aggressive, he was merely defending himself because he was mistreated in his past.

He had a fractured hip that her vet said had to come from being abused.

You may not agree with me but sometimes I feel that our animals pick us. This dog was instantly at home with my daughter. He trusted her completely.

She adored him and provided a lovely home for him. She recently had to have him euthanatized due to his age related issues. She misses him terribly.

For a tiny toy poodle you should have seen how he protected her!

He would bark at a guy that my daughter was dating because the guy could be a jerk sometimes.

This young man even asked my daughter to get rid of the dog. Well, instead she dumped the guy and kept her dog.

She brought the dog to our home when she visited. She told everyone certain things that the dog didn’t like due to his abuse.

He was cautious around others. He was trained and very smart too but a dog will defend themselves. He liked me. I got along well with him.

My mom kept trying to pet his head and he didn’t like that. I asked mom to stop doing it. Mom didn’t listen and the dog snapped at her.

I did warn her. We were sorry that mom was bitten but she didn’t respect that the dog had been abused and was not comfortable with certain things.

Mom never did it again! But oh my gosh, she played it up telling everyone how temperamental the dog was!

They will bite or snap at someone if they feel threatened or have had enough.

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I am trying to avoid even to get to that level.
Despite dementia, she has a mean streak.
Thanks!

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I'd crate the dog when your MIL is up and about, or leave him outside. You're not going to be able to get thru to a demented individual no matter how many times you repeat yourself, so the solution lies in separating the woman from the dog. Otherwise, she's likely to get bitten and that's NOT a deserved thing by a person with dementia, period. If you decided to bring this woman into your home, then you have to make it safe for her at the same time. Most people don't even realize what all is involved with dementia and the trouble they can get into inside the house! Read up on the subject so you can take all the necessary precautions to avoid a crisis.

Wishing you the best of luck!

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Lea,

I agree with you. Adding dementia to the mix is a whole different ballgame.

I don’t like seeing anyone bitten, dementia or not. Some people don’t understand how to respect animals and it is bound to happen in certain circumstances.

That said, I hate seeing an animal abused. There is never an excuse to abuse an animal. Unfortunately, someone with dementia has a broken brain and can’t comprehend what is happening.

Wise answer to keep mom and dog separated! I couldn’t have placed my greyhound outside due to they aren’t able to tolerate extreme heat or cold. It gets so hot here. I was lucky, my grey would hang out in another area if he needed time alone. Mom didn’t go after him.

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I have had, worked with, fostered and placed, volunteered with and trained dogs all my life, and often dogs with a lot of "history" (the Staffies, and etc)
This is an EXCEPTIONALLY dangerous situation. Your Mom should be removed from the home or your dog should while Mom is with you.
The dog will be injured at some point and will react as any animal would. Please address this immediately.
I don't care how GOOD or how TRUSTED or how PERFECT this dog is, this situation is a disaster waiting to happen, and cannot be allowed to go on. It is not fair to make a dog a "yard dog" or a crated dog, especially one of this size.

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Not all dogs even do well in a yard. I had a greyhound and could not have put him the yard. They can’t tolerate extreme heat or cold for long periods of time. My dogs were always inside dogs.

I was fortunate that he would go hang out in another part of the house when he needed time away. Mom didn’t have dementia and didn’t go after him. So sad that the OP’s mom goes after the dog. Dementia creates all sorts of confusion. It is sad for the mom and the dog.

Greys are a bit different than other breeds. My mom adored him and he loved her but I had to monitor the treats.

It’s very unhealthy for a grey to gain excessive weight due to their body structure. Mom would feed him half of her food if I didn’t keep an eye on them.

With all of your dog experiences Alva, do you have a favorite dog?

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So what are you going to do if she starts hitting you or your husband? You said she has a history of threatening to hit caregivers. Today she’s hitting the dog. Tomorrow she’s hitting you. Are you prepared for that? Because if and when she hits you, you can’t just remove yourself from the equation like you can the dog. I think you need to consider taking her back to the nursing home. Your home is the dogs home. If it’s not create trained, it’s probably not going to be as simple as throwing it in a crate. And your mother can still torment the dog in it’s crate. If you throw the dog outside, you’ll risk upsetting the neighbors if it’s barking incessantly and you could have animal control at your door. I understand why you brought her home but it appears she’s now in an unsafe environment.

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Do you think it is time to review her meds? When is the last time she saw her doctor? Maybe her meds can be adjusted and she will become calmer. Meds do need adjusting from time to time.

I am not familiar with ALZ meds but other posters can help with telling you of their experiences. Wishing you well in this difficult situation.

If this is going to cause a major upheaval in your lives it may be better to have her in a facility rather than your home.

I am sorry that you weren’t able to get the medical information that you needed about your mom from her facility. Did you address your concerns with the director of nursing or social worker?

When my mom was in a facility for rehab and issues arose, I found the director of nursing to be attentive and caring, same for the social worker and they addressed my concerns. Don’t give up. Keep looking for answers.

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Protect your dog from this woman - she cannot be trusted around the dog. What will she do next? Cut its throat?

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Is it possible to train your dog to leave the room when your mother gets near him? Provide him with a safe place to go to as suggested like a room with a dog door that you can keep locked.

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The facility probably didn't warn you because they wanted her and her behaviors gone.... Sounds as if you have a great dog; glad you've decided it stays, but maybe MIL goes somewhere again? As someone else said, only a matter of time before it is YOU she is shoving/hitting.

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I think she unhappy about being there and takes it out on the dog whose a gentle soul. If she can afford assisted living or RETIREMENT Community where she can interact with others her own age and they have activities for them daily.
I would move her back to that facility
Where others her age to talk and be with
Plus having 24/7 care and your family
Can get back to your normal living.
I feel there more going on with her
With her anger...she doesn't want to be there either..

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Protect that dog! His needs count too!

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I think the issue is her aggression; it sounds like her condition needs reviewing. My mother had bipolar/manic depression for years and it meant we tolerated a number of things. As she got older it became less obvious that she was developing Lewy Bodies Dementia because we were already used to mood swings so did not react as she became more volatile. It meant a late diagnosis and a lot of hurt and confusion for all of us. It means more risk too. I would get your MIL assessed and keep your dog well away from her.

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Your dog may just stay away from her on his own. Since she s abusing him. Hopefully she will scare him enough that he will not want to go near her.

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We moved into my MIL’s house to care for her, we brought our Labrador Retriever who is a loving dog. My MIL’s dementia prevented her from enjoying the dog. To fix the situation we purchased a sturdy metal dog gate that fastened to the doorframe. We installed it between the kitchen/dining area and the living room. Our dog stayed in the kitchen area and my MIL stayed in the living room area when she was up and about. It worked. Our dog could still see and interact with us through the gate without exposing her to my MIL’s unpredictable behavior. It also acted as a safety measure for my MIL. It kept her away from the stove, the cellar doorway, the trash receptacle, the kitchen tools & knives and the door to the outside. She could see into the kitchen while I did laundry or prepared meals and I could see her. It worked.

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I'm glad this worked for you. I know that if some sort of a gate had been put up to keep my mom from entering a space she would have asked about it constantly or otherwise driven me crazy with her confusion about any sort of impediment to her getting anywhere she wanted to go. That was before she became sweet and calm. I'm so happy she is now peaceful in her dementia.

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I am fairly certain it's the dementia making her do that. I had to take my mom's Puggle because she was getting increasingly mean to her - pushing her away, locking her in her bedroom to name a few - and to protect them both. Repeatedly asking your mom to not bother the dog is useless; your mom has dementia and doesn't remember. While I'm not sure what the answer is, I, too, would be afraid the dog would react at some point, and not in a positive way. Good luck and God bless.

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Having a Father put in Memory Care during Covid was hard but family could no longer handle his moods. Now he is being mean to paid staff that hopefully knows how to work with dementia patients. Visits start soon. Get Mom into one. Your family comes first.

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Actually no. If the patient attacks staff or is otherwise abusive they will put him in a psychiatric center for meds. If he does it again, they may not take him back. A lot of them do the "three strikes you are out" -- a nursing home is not obligated to readmit him

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Keep the dog away from her--it is animal cruelty if the dog is run over by the wheel chair, and your MIL could get bitten in response to the cruelty. It would not be the dog's fault but yours for allowing this situation. It is also animal cruelty to allow your dog to be abused by your MIL, not to forget endangering your MIL.

A dog is a dog and can really do some major damage -- English Mastiff has a bite strength of 552 psi, can break skin, mangle flesh, and bones. From abuse your dog can also become vicious and bite other people. They can sue.
https://www.dogexpert.com/1-1-million-record-settlement-serious-bull-mastiff-dog-bite-attack-illinois/

Here is a case where an English Mastiff killed an elderly owner...

https://blog.dogsbite.org/2020/06/aggressivemastiff-killed-portland-owner-frederick-shew.html

Since you are responsible for your MIL it's possible you may be responsible if something like this happens.

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All I can say here is WE are all on the same page. Guilt, anger+ frustration on how to deal with our new reality. I have no control over the situation in Dad being in Memory Care or how they are treating him because of COVID which is the worse, trusting strangers to care. The books of info help but this Site shows the reality + we all are in this together.

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Your dog is a family member. Would you let mil push, or shove and hit a small child or baby that can't talk? No you wouldn't allow that.. Why are you and your husband not keeping the dog safe??? Is he that lazy?
Dont bother scolding the mil she won't remember 2 seconds later.
Do get baby gates, and if the dog is in the room with you, keep the dog on a leash near you for safety reasons. Tell the dog no, and bring the dog back to you, the dog will learn to stay away from her. I would NEVER, EVER, EVER let the dog alone with her!!!! Not even for 1 milisecond.
It is very important to keep the dog safe!!!
You never know if she will decide to really hurt the dog. Especially if you are out of the room. Talking nice to the dog, calling it over,and then hitting it. That is cruel!
Can you make the mil her own TV room? That way you still have the family room for you and the dog? Put a gate up in the hall or something like that?
Maybe get meds adjusted bc she is acting out towards the dog. It might be a matter of time before she does it to a person that annoys her. Sounds like mil is going out of her way to hurt the dog.

I would make it my mission to keep the dog safe. The dog can't tell you if she is hurting it when you leave the room. You dont know what she is capable of if you go to the bathroom, and the dog is alone with her. The dog might not even be near her, but mil may still roll over to the dog and corner it. You wouldn't know if mil broke a rib or fractured the dogs skull.
I wouldn't put the dog in a cage either, bc she will wheel over to the cage and hurt the dog who is trapped.
Shame on your husband for not keeping the dog safe! Is he that lazy? Its not that hard to keep them separated. I would make sure mil can't open the baby gate and roll into where the dog is. Stop letting the dog get abused.

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i know! I was suprised at the lack of concern here for the dog- her dog is her family member he’s innocent and can’t speak or protect himself that’s why there are laws regarding animal abuse and cruelty. I have intervened a couple of times in public when I witnessed a man hitting his dog I called out to him to stop hitting his dog, and I was going to call animal control, some years later I saw a man in a parking lot yelling and screaming at his tiny dog tugging hard on its leash, I could see the dog was terrified and did the exact same thing and will anytime I see abuse of a dog no questions asked

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While the dogs reaction to your MIL when finally pushed or feels threatened too far is of course a concern I would be just as concerned about the long term damage this might do to the dog. Long after MIL has moved out your dog may still fear wheelchairs or older people, Anne just elderly women in wheelchairs but living with triggered fear isn’t only unfair to the dog and you but could be an issue for someone else some day. Could you create an area or place where the dog can go when she chooses that MIL and her WC can’t get too? Maybe even an area in each room so the dog can still be with the family but protect herself from behavior she doesn’t like. If you can my guess is the dog will choose to stick with you when you are in the room and her safe zone when you aren’t. Kind of like an older dog does when a new puppy is introduced, they will get up and move to another spot when they don’t feel like dealing with the puppy before putting the puppy in their place, which of course will also happen a few times until the puppy learns the signals. Anyway if your dog has a safe place to go she may work out how to deal with this intruder herself before it gets to the point you fear.

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Back to the SNF. For your MIL, not the dog.

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Keep them separated somehow. In addition to your dog being subjected to abuse, your dog may be learning not to trust people in wheelchairs, or visitors to your home. You are right to be concerned about her possibly reacting to being hit by your MIL. I used to drop my larger dog off at a wonderful dog daycare when workmen were around the house or when my noisy and active grandchildren were visiting so he could have a pleasant day. And I didn’t have to worry about the dog reacting to workmen making noise or getting pulled on by grandchildren. My dog would come home tired after running around all day and just sleep in my room at night. Hopefully things will get back to normal soon.

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Excellent point about instilling in dog a fear of wheelchairs and/or visitors! Fearful dogs, even well trained ones, can be dangerous any time they feel threatened. ( I once had a normally friendly 4 lb. dog quite unexpectedly bite my neighbor for trying to fix my closet door! Never tried to bite anyone before! Thankfully the bite was superficial and the neighbor forgiving. A learning experience for me, not the
dog!)
People in wheelchairs have enough to fear without encountering a defensive dog that fears them!

Also, people in wheelchairs, generally speaking (and if mentally sound) are vulnerable and have enough things to fear themselves, anyway.

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Hi. I suggest you consider keeping them separated by use of doorway gating. I have 10 year old Jack Russell Terrier that I rescued when he was 3. When I brought him home, my mother ignored him. As a result, he does not consider her a part of our pack to this day even after 7 years of living with her. He is protective of me, reactive when she raises her voice at me or shows anger toward me. I never leave them alone in a room together. Never. If I am outside doing chores he is outside with me or he stays in my bedroom which he consider his safe place. I even lock the bedroom door in case she should try to let him out. When I am in the house, I always have her in a place that he cannot get to her. A few gates in a couple of doorways keep them seperated yet neither feeling excluded as I took apart a folding dog fence pen to make them. The gates do not obstruct their views to any extent. I will never ever trust him to be around her. Any animal is unpredictable especially a rescue with a history of being abused. He is the sweetest and most empathic dog I ever had. He always knows when I am upset and will come and lean on me or paw at me to pet him. But still, I repeat, I never ever leave them together in any room. A dog bite on a 101 year old woman could be horrendous. They both have adjusted to this setup. You might want to give doorway gates a try.

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You MIL is not only abusing your dog, creating mistrust of others, but creating a potentially dangerous situation. No matter how sweet or obedient a dog is...it is still a dog. It may bite if t feels threatened or hurt. I would suggest putting a barrier (gate) between them. If you are unable to keep an eye on them, lock your dog in your bedroom, or place she cannot get to him. If your MIL has dementia, it is unlikely you can reason with her. Of course your MIL’s safety is a priority. But it is also your job to protect your dog. If this situation is untenable, consider “doggie” day care. Will give you peace of mind and give your dog time to play and socialize with other dogs.

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Exactly correct and MIL may accidentally fall in the dog causing her to bite in defense.

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This is sad.
Gate the dog, or keep her in a room where MIL cannot get to her whenever you are unable to supervise.

Unexpected additional STRESS, right?

Makes me wonder if my mom will be like this if she ever gets dementia. She thinks it is awful to have a dog in the house, especially large ones. I've had 2 big dogs living inside my house and she has complained mightily (and my house is always 100x cleaner than hers).

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No, you don’t need to worry bc dementia is not the cause of this selective abuse of a dog

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It is her dementia and please keep the dog either in a separate room away from her or vice versa. It is not fair to the dog that it be mistreated which can be abuse to animals. And why take the chance that the dog could bite her. You can explain to your MIL 1000 times and she will not get it. So please for all concerned keep the MIL away from the dog.

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I disagree it’s not dementia. Dementia isn’t selective, mil is a bully and if the poor daughter in law doesn’t enforce a zero tolerance for abuse immediately she will probably be next in line to get slapped and shoved by bully mil

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Please do not allow your MIL to abuse your sweet dog. Speak to her doctor and he may be able to address her aggressive behavior. As we all know these things do not get better. Your dog needs a safe space.
I had a similar situation keeping my young grandchildren at my home with a senior dog. My dog was really stressed with no safe space. They were always after my dog so I ended up corralling him in our big kitchen using baby gates. It was a happy and safe situation for everyone. The children were only with me for half days and when they napped my puppy was allowed out. It may work for your mom.

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I feel so bad for your poor dog, you need to protect him, “lately she is wheeling over to hit or shove the dog” how horrid and dementia isn’t the cause, dementia isn’t selective like that to only lash out at a dog. Since she never had pets it sounds like she’s abusing the dog bc she doesn’t like dogs and bc so far she’s allowed to get away with abusive behavior. She’s choosing this behavior, your dog is innocent pls don’t take advice here to lock your animal family member in a room - I would consider that animal cruelty to keep a dog locked in a room as a daily “solution” to an abusive person. Would you solve the issue of one sibling bullying another sibling by locking the abused or bullied child in her room every day to keep her safe? Get a gate and have mil not the dog on the other side of it, someone mentioned having a sectioned off area like a tv room for abusive mil- keep a close eye on your poor dog and follow through any time she even attempts to lure or hit the dog she will be wheeled to her room to spend the rest of the day. The correction needs to be to the abuser bc abusive people if enabled will grow more abusive -firmly let her know hitting and shoving isn’t tolerated and if she does every single time she will be spend the rest of the day alone in her room as a kind of time out- of course provide her meals and ensure her safety but just like with a child if she’s hitting and shoving there needs to be a consequence to her actions or she will only get more abusive and may start lashing out at you or your husband. If your husband and you are firm and consistent and wheel her in her room to spend the rest of the day in her room any time she’s seen trying to hit the dog I think she will learn pretty quickly “we don’t hit and shove pets” Edited to add in my upvote to a poster who asked why didn’t your husband firmly address this the first time it happened? She’s his mom and really as the head of the house he should address it with her. But if he can’t bring himself to be strong to do so then you need to enforce a clear boundary- anytime the mil bullies the dog off to her room she goes to soend the rest of the day, I think a couple times of that and she’ll learn she can’t bully the dog, also you want to prevent this bullying to expanding to *you*, I have a feeling if you don’t nip it in the bud before long mil will soon start slapping at your hand or shoving you- bullies get worse if they’re enabled and so far it sounds like she’s got the message she can get away with it. I would report it as animal cruelty if I was aware a family kept a dog permanently locked in a room bc a relative hits them

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Mother is not just a bully. She doesn't like dogs and her mind is "broken". She will not change for the better, cannot help what she is doing. The dog may be trainable, but she is not. With her impaired memory, you cannot expect her to remember anything you tell her! If you could train dog to stay away from her that would be one thing, but it sounds like she is actively persuing him! I think you will go nuts trying to keep them separate every minute. Is there a friend or family member who could keep him temporarily until you can get her back to NH where it seems she was doing OK.?
In short, re-home MIL, not dog.

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What would you do in this situation concerning my MIL with dementia and our dog?

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