I guess the question I should be asking, my mom is 96 and has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's/dementia by a doctor. She has had a number of falls and was diagnosed with Aortic Stenosis. Her doctor said due to her age, her Aortic Valve can not be repaired, he said based on her condition, she might have another year at best.
The biggest problem is she hates nursing homes and refuses to go. She keeps saying it's her house and she has the right to die in it. If someone even tries to talk to her about a nursing home, she'll gouge their eyes out. I've seen her go all commando on someone and order someone to get out of her house. She told me there is no way a nursing home could keep her in her room, she says she'll just walk away. She says she'll refuse to eat and scream bloody murder until they let her out.
I recently received an email from her case worker that she had been approved for a bathroom remodel (they want to take out her bathtub and convert it to a walk-in shower). My mom wants to have it done ASAP, but I don't want Medicaid to spend $3,000 on converting her bathroom.
I was talking to her neighbor and realistically, I can't just continue to provide 24 hour care 7 days a week because no other caregiver is available. Assisted living won't take her because she needs too much help. She thinks she would be okay being alone for a few hours but all she does is sit in her chair and she can't get to the bathroom without help.
I know people here have been concerned about if I get to keep the house but then I talked to some friends of the family who said they would buy it for me if it came to that. It won't sell for much because the whole house needs to be rewired. It has an old fuse box with four 15 amp circuits. The plumbing needs reworked as when the washing machine empties, water backs up in all the drains and there's a number of things on my list that need fixed or replaced.
So then what would be the procedure for placing my mom in the nursing home given that I can't talk to her about it? I've been here for a year in March and I've seen her condition deteriorated in that time, so I don't know what the chances of making it another couple of months are. I've checked and the closest place with Medicaid beds available is about 30 miles from here.
She doesn't seem to understand that I got fired from my job because I couldn't find a caregiver and ended up having to stay with her too much. Now I'm just screwed and the only little bit of income I can get is what her Medicaid Waiver is willing to pay me. I have like $0 in my bank account to pay a lawyer right now plus it's been over a year since I've been to the dentist or had an eye exam because I can't afford it.
She needs specialized care for her medical condition and she is becoming a fall risk.
It IS her house, but if she is unable to make good decisions for herself, she is indicating that she does not have the “right” to make demands on loved ones to be her full time caregivers.
There is no legal or moral obligation on you to discuss this with her. She may be capable of vigorous denial of her own circumstances but as her caregiver, you have to be objective and choose what is safest for someone in her condition.
Look in your general area for places that meet the needs you’ve discussed here. Online searches can give you a good general idea of what the general set up through photos and sometimes website video.
While you’re doing that, check out job openings FOR YOU! Time together back into a routine that’s good for YOU, TOO.
She may carry on when she arrives at her new living site, but she may not. The staff should be equipped to deal with crank screaming 96 year olds.
Remember, decisions made with her needs in mind, with love and respect, are the best thing for you both. Be brave!
You are just as important as your mom. You need income, savings for retirement, money for eye exams, dental care, etc. It’s too bad it’s come to this but I think you are justified in taking whatever drastic measures are necessary to get control of YOUR life again.
Basically Medicaid approved her for 31 hours of home care (she could get 35 if I didn't live there) then her caseworker said in the same breath she can't be left alone even for a short time and I would have to find a home care agency with the availability to cover those hours as they didn't have anyone. Basically, if I couldn't do it myself, it wasn't going to work.
And if nothing else works in getting her to agree to go to a nursing facility, the next time she ends up in the hospital, you must insist that she can not return to her home. The hospital social worker will then help you in getting her placed. Please take care of yourself. Good luck.