Hello. First, let me acknowledge all the caretakers out there. I never realized how extremely difficult and all-consuming caretaking is until recently. Some info about my situation. I'm 41, female, married. I am the only child to my mother, father, and stepmother. I live in Denver, CO. My mother is 77, she lives alone in Toledo OH. She has no family in Toledo and I am learning that her once extensive church community has either moved closer to their children in other states or is simply too old to help (or mean or crazy and I'll get to that in a moment). I am currently visiting Toledo, caring for my mother while she is in the hospital. I am realizing that she will need to move to Denver sooner rather than later. I have been hinting at my mom to move for 5 years, but I was also hesitant to insist my mom move when I thought she had a community in Toledo. And, I know my mom; forcing her to do anything will not work out well. I may have to at some point, but I don't think that time is now. Since I've been in Toledo, 2 of her friends have "told" me that I need to move to Toledo to take care of her. Both insinuated that I had been neglecting her. In a time that I desperately need help - they've been resistant to offer it (based on trying to teach me a lesson) and one is so creepy I don't want his help - I don't feel safe around him. I'm not asking these people to help with my mother's care - I asked them to get the mail or pick a package off the front porch or mow the lawn. What they don't know is that I subsidize my mom's expenses, I call her once a week, we see each other twice a year and I pay for those trips in their entirety. I'm not broke, but I'm not swimming in money - so money is a bit of an issue. Moving to Toledo is not an option because of my job, my husband's job, my husband's family (he is also an only child), and we are heavily involved in our community; honestly, it's our home. There's also no working airport in Toledo and I need to be able to quickly get to my father and my husband's family if there's an emergency for them. My mom's home appears to be well-kept. She is paying her bills (although she's easily scammed and spending money on things she shouldn't be). I want to scream at so-called friends. I want them to know that I'm doing the best I can. What is the best way, in your opinion, to tell these people how unhelpful those comments are? I need them to be in my mom's life until I get her to Denver (still probably a year away), so I don't want to piss them off too much.
Moving to Toledo is a dumb idea. Quite frankly, moving your mother to Denver is also not wise. Find an AL facility in Toledo for your mother to move into, and get away from this situation.
If her so called friends don't like it - tough.
As to your Mom, first question is why does she need so much care at age 77? What is her physical and mental conditions requiring your care. I am 81 and don't need my daughter's care; so it's a real question.
If your mother DOES now need care and will not move into ALF in her area for care then that's her choice.
But it doesn't mean you can make your mother move.
You have no power to do that.
If she doesn't move, then stay out of it.
Let her hire her own help.
If she complains tell her her choices are :
A) Move closer to me here
B) Move to ALF
C) Hire people to help her.
If your mother has dementia then I would report her to the state through Adult Protective Services for welfare check. I would tell APS that your mother is uncooperative in moving to care, moving closer to you, or caring for herself and that you cannot help her and that you think that she should be in guardianship of the state.
I have operated as POA and Trustee for a VERY VERY Cooperative and wonderful person. For all that it was a huge job, more complicated by being at the other end of the state from him. With your physical separation it will be impossible for you to manage your mother's care. Had she no children then it would not even be a question; she would eventually be reported to APS by her neighbors. So if neighbors call you give them the phone number for APS.
You are not obligated to care for your mother. Obligations flows FROM parent TO child. That is to say a parent is obligated to care for a child until the child reaches maturity. Then that child is responsible to care for children that he or she brings into the world. Obligation does not flow backward. Especially when the recipient does NOT WANT YOUR CARE.
Subsidizing your mother is not a good idea either, what about a section 8 in Denver? She needs to pay her own way.
Start the process now as there is usually a waiting list for Section 8.
If you moved mom to a Toledo or nearby assisted living that has onsite memory care when it's necessary to step up, many problems would be solved. Her friends could visit her there. She'd make new friends and enjoy the activities. She can go to her church, maybe friends will come and take her, but there's also an onsite church or chapel in most assisted living places. She may become involved in that, and her friends there will be her helping community.
That she's been scammed and spending money unnecessarily is a huge red flag. That's dementia creeping in. Set up all her bills on autopay and oversee that they're being paid. If you don't have POA, get it. Make sure her Will and other legal docs are in order.
I don't see it as a plus to move mom to Denver at all. You'll then have much more to do for her because she'll expect it - you're right there. Your life goes out the window. Plus moving elders often results in things you didn't expect, such as decline in cognition. Getting established with new doctors is a huge pain. She'll have to learn to drive, if she drives, in unfamiliar territory. She may become quite different in many ways. In fact, you may notice serious changes when she gets out of the hospital. That happens.
Don't ever take her into your own home. Recipe for disaster for almost everyone.
I wanted to help them. I wanted to be part of their final years of life and supervise their care. If they were in AL in Florida, then what?? 100% of everything cannot be done online or by phone! What about hospital stays? Rehabs? No way.
One time here in Denver mom was in such a horrible rehab that dh and I had to stump the pavement to find her a better one! How does that get accomplished from another part of the country? I set them up in a senior living apartment in Littleton that was affordable. After a few years, they then went into AL and mom into Memory Care Assisted Living after dad died. I was with them every step of the way w/o housing them myself.
That said, ignore your moms so-called friends opinions. I call them the Armchair Critics. They do none of the hands on work but all of the tongue clucking from the comfort of their armchairs. Tell them you're working on getting mom to Colorado but in the meantime, you SO APPRECIATE their help. Send them an Edible Arrangement as a thank you. That should shut them up. 🤣😂😁
Good luck with the big task ahead. PM me if you'd like the name of the senior living apartment bldg I set my folks up in.
The people, ignore them. What u do or don't do is none of their business. Tell them nothing. Just smile and walk away. I had an Aunt telling everyone my cousins were taking her sister's/their moms money. Which was impossible because she was in a NH on Medicaid after she had spent down all her money on her care in an AL.
You can’t force your mother to move, but you can make the problems clear to her. She probably doesn’t want to be part of the exodus that is causing problems in Toledo, and like the people you spoke to, she would prefer the help to be in Toledo. She needs to know clearly what your issues are. If you can’t keep up support when her needs are increasing, it’s not because you don’t want to provide the support. It’s because your needs don’t work there, and her needs can be met somewhere else.
At 77, she will (with luck) be able to see the point!
I used to live in Highlands Ranch, and there were a number of older relatives who learned the hard way that they couldn't acclimate to the altitude there and had to stop visiting us.
Oh, and smile blandly at the friends and deflect. Your decisions regarding your mom's care aren't up for discussion.
It’s worth remembering that this IS an ‘emergency’, but that emergencies get more and more common as we age. It would be best if your mother moves while her health is still good enough to mean that she doesn’t really need to. Find out about Denver’s senior housing options and Independent Living options, preferably linked to higher care needs options if needed in future. You now know that you can’t move to Toledo, and that she can’t stay in Toledo because the support she will need is not there. It’s a wake-up call that’s probably worth the $1000 airfare!
You say that you need them in your life, these people, until.............etc.
So the truth is that you have no answer here that will "work".
The honest truth would be "You know, this isn't your business". But when they are helping you they feel entitled to think it somehow IS their business. So they will give their opinion.
You have a trade off. A deal to make. Because life is about bargaining and negotiation. You will need to learn to swallow a bit so that you can keep the help
OR
be honest and know that you won't see the "helpers" again.
People react with anger to honesty often enough. Sadly you are the epitome of being caught between a rock and a hard place. Wish it were otherwise for you, but it isn't. And I sure wish you the best of luck.
I understand that it is hard for you to do everything required for your mom when you live so far away.
A couple of things jumped out at me as I read your post and your responses.
I realize that Toledo has been your mom’s home base and that she has been surrounded by her church community, friends and neighbors. Things change with time and our circles become smaller.
It isn’t as common these days for neighbors, friends and church members to help older people in their community.
In the past I have done this myself. I helped an elderly woman because I genuinely cared for her, not because I was expected to by her daughter who lived in another state. My parents helped out their elderly neighbor until she died. She didn’t have any children.
Please realize that people may not be interested or able to help others on a regular basis.
They aren’t responsible for retrieving your mom’s packages off of the porch, mowing her lawn or taking her places. Thank them for helping out as much as they have, then accept that they don’t want to be involved any longer.
Do I agree with them telling you to move to Toledo? Of course, I don’t. Denver is your home.
Perhaps your mom won’t object to moving to Denver and it will be easier for you to tend to her needs. If not, you will have to make arrangements for her in Toledo.
In the meantime, start looking at other options to help with your mom’s needs.
Explain to your mom that she needs to hire a lawn service, make arrangements for her mail and package deliveries, etc.
Look into purchasing a storage unit in which packages are dropped securely into by delivery drivers. I can’t think of the brand name right now.
Contact Council on Aging in your area. In my area they have a shuttle bus service for the elderly which delivers them to their doctors, grocery, pharmacy, etc.
Also, look into Meals on Wheels for food delivery to her home.
Or connect her with Uber or local taxi companies.
Best wishes to you and your family. I hope that your mom feels better soon and that you will be able to go back home to be with your husband.
I had a friend of my mother give me grief when I ran into her at the supermarket . The woman told me I need to do more for her . (Obviously my mother told her I wasn’t coming over enough). In reality it was just about everyday .
I said to the woman , “That is interesting , since I’m currently in this store doing grocery shopping for my parents “. That shut her up .
Maybe your mother is complaining . Maybe she isn’t . But let’s assume she is complaining or maybe these friends are seeing things that makes them think she needs more supervision or help . Either way it could be a reason to broach the subject of moving Mom sooner rather than wait a year, hopefully near you but not in your house or backyard.
As far as these people . I would just say .
“ We are working on looking into some solutions “.