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My elderly mom with dementia kicks every single caregiver out and does not want to be placed anywhere. I feel that I will be trapped as long as she lives. I try to explain to her all the damages she is doing. She has dementia and does not have any reasoning. She keeps falling and getting injured but insists that she is fine. I watch her many hours and so does my daughter. We are very tired. I have a special needs son who is 36 and a dog that I take care of. What do other people with the same situation do?

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Stop explaining. You said it yourself - she "...does not have any reasoning..." so what do you expect?

You are enabling her to continue this way. It is unfair of you to place your daughter in the situation for hours at a time, as I'm sure the young lady has other things she would rather be doing.

Instead of calling a helper a caregiver, how about you make believe that the caregiver is your friend and you want to introduce your friend to your mother? I knew a woman who did this successfully with her mother who was a young widow and had early onset Alzheimer's. The women hit it off, and my friend's mother never knew that her daughter paid this woman to be her friend. That may buy you some time during this pandemic to find other living arrangements for your mother, and give you and your daughter some much needed respite.
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zeenna2002 May 2020
I have tried. It didn’t work out. My mom doesn’t want anybody.
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zeenna, I commend you for trying to keep all the plates spinning and your burn out is totally understandable. We on this forum will try to give you guidance on how to get your life back. To do this, we need more information:

- are you your mom's durable PoA? If not, is anyone? With her dementia, a PoA has the legal authority to have her placed, even if she is not cooperative (it's where she needs to be for her own protection). With her falling and dementia, she will most likely be recommended for Memory Care. If she has funds the durable PoA can choose a facility and get her in on private pay. If she hasn't many assets you can apply for Medicaid for her.
- if no one is PoA for her, you can choose to pursue guardianship through the courts. Not sure how long or expensive a process this may be, but it means you will have the authority to make all decisions for her. If you are not up to this, you can contact social services and discuss whether she qualifies for some in-home services (which will help you but it's not a permanent solution). The county can pursue guardianship and then they will get her into a facility and have control over all her care, medical and finances.

If your mom falls again and requires a trip to the ER, you can refuse to have her returned to your home on the basis of an "unsafe discharge". Don't let them pressure you into taking her back, even temporarily. The hospital social worker will start the process of placing her and gaining guardianship.

I'm not sure what can be done during the covid problems as nursing homes are locked down for now. But you can start by calling social services to see if they can provide any relief for you at all. Please do not feel any guilt over any of this. You've done as much as is possible to help her and now you've hit a wall. May you have quick success in resettling her elsewhere, and have peace in your heart that this solution is best for everyone.
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"I have tried. It didn’t work out. My mom doesn’t want anybody." You mean she doesn't want anybody but you?

Your mother doesn't get to dictate how you spend your time and live your life unless you allow her to do so. Establishing healthy boundaries with ones parents is hard. I speak from experience watching my husband do it with his parents. Sooner or later, it must be done. The choice is yours as to doing it proactively or reactively. With my inlaws, I did it reactively after burning myself out to the point of getting sick. My husband also did it reactively when I insisted that things could no longer continue, which is a long story in itself.

In home is not working despite your best efforts? Then she needs a senior care setting where progressive care is available. She is not going to get better. Her needs are only going to increase.

Given the pandemic, you have more time to research senior living options available to her in her budget range. A lot of information is available on this forum for free, including senior care specialists that are free of charge.
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dogparkmomma May 2020
Facilities are taking new patients so if the situation presents itself, and placement is possible, it could be done. However, the restrictions of no visitors are an issue especially for new residents. There are facilities that have not had any cases. And now facilities are testing residents and staff. I will say I am glad my mother is in a facility already. My FIL was in memory care for a year before he died last week. It would have been very hard to have had him at our house as he had been failing with dementia.
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Why, why, why do people allow this behavior? It cannot and must not ever be tolerated. When you have done everything kindly, reasonably and with medical intervention and nothing changes, then why are you allowing it. She cannot stay with you because YOU will be destroyed and why would you allow that. There are means but have to be sought out. You cannot have her with you especially since you have a special needs son and dog. Don't let her destroy you. Take care of yourself - do NOT put up with it
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NYDaughterInLaw May 2020
Thought provoking answer, Lockett! It is completely unreasonable for anyone to expect someone else to be their 24/7 caregiver and completely unreasonable for anyone to accept being someone's 24/7 caregiver. That nothing changes is a big red flag, which too many caregivers choose to ignore. And they ignore the red flag and give into the unreasonable demands at their peril, and usually at the cost of their health, relationships/marriages or both.
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Explain her behavior before the caregiver starts working. You need one with thick hide and knows how to stand their ground. If mom tells them to leave, the response is I'm not here to work for you - I'm working for your daughter. Caregiver is still in the home and can go about their tasks, but remain available to watch her, help her if he asks. If mom tells her to leave, caregiver can find another way to reply, as well, like I'm waiting on your daughter because she said she'd pick up something for me at the store. Some of them already have a knack of rerouting the conversations. Or call caregiver a friend of yours - she's coming buy to wait on a package that is coming. Then always refer to my friend so-and-so who is coming to help you with some chores.

Don't call this person 'her' caregiver - call her my housekeeper or something. Evidently mom still has enough memory to know she doesn't want someone caring for her - so make it about you.
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DJHN9hyi May 2020
Excellent reply. I am a professional caregiver and when I care for a client like this I'm never there as a "caregiver". I am " the housekeeper" there to help the daughter. I also tell them I'm there for them as well should they need anything. I usually ask if I can have lunch with them and we talk and they get to know me. It takes a while but they eventually come around. Best of luck.
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Beatty May 2020
Yep. What I call the WFTF club (waiting for the fall).

Sadly, membership is up this year.
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My MIL is right there with your mom.

She hates everybody except her daughter, and only tolerates my hubby. Her oldest son is MIA.

So far, SIL Is doing OK managing her. I am not even allowed in MIL's home anymore and DH is furious with me for not 'trying hard enough'--well, SHE kicked ME out and told me to never come back, so yes, I do look terrible to the rest of the family, but you cannot force caregiving on someone.

As long as she doesn't fall again---she's ok being home alone. I think she has a twice a week aide and a housekeeper. She doesn't DO anything at all.

DH just frets over how bad she is--a visit to her puts him in a foul mood for days. He is actually just waiting for another fall that will put her in a NH. She should have moved to an Assisted Living 10 years ago, when she would have had some interest in making friends or being social, but now she refuses to even talk about it.

I guess we're in the WFTF category. My DH gets mid-night calls from work and when the home line rings at 2 am, my heart stops---one night it will be that she's fallen.
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DILKimba May 2020
Midkid58-We are primary caregivers for my MIL/FIL and got them into Memory Care and AL last year. It is STILL a lot of work. My BIL lives out of state. I told my DH 18 mos ago, "You know, I know we will do the the lion's share of the work due to proximity, but there is no reason that your brother can't do the finances from afar." SO we talked to him and he and his wife agreed to do that. That really has been helpful. My MIL is not my biggest fan either, and will often rebel against something if she thinks it was my idea. SO I do a LOT of the work in the background and let her son rush in to "save the day" with my ideas and the work I've done. It helps my husband, uses my gifts and talents and what she doesn't know won't hurt her, and WILL help him. ;-) SO even if your MIL throws you out and doesn't want you in her house, you can still offer to take some of the load from your DH and your SIL while you WFTF. Like you could do the research on places in the area, find out about policy's admission criteria, etc. I did that. I did a lot of research online, narrowed it down to the ones I thought might be a good fit, then took my DH to go see the ones that I thought were best. Then we just kinda held that in our backpocket so to speak, until the crisis happened. Then we knew exactly where we wanted them to go. He was able to tell his dad "I've been looking around and this is what I found and feel is the best fit, let's go look." Same thing when it was time to ratchet up the care. We had a second tier place--that I actually would have done the first time, but it wasn't my choice. SO even though you can't be hands on, there is lots you can do, if you choose to, to help. I don't do it "for them", I do it for my husband and my BIL.
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Get her on psychiatric drugs--Wellbutrin or others. Maybe a CBD gummy bear crumbled into her yogurt so she'll take a nap when you want her to. Research and call local rehabs and memory care, so you'll be ready for a transfer the next time she is hospitalized. Explore Durable POA--an attorney doesn't have to cost a fortune. Find an attorney with their own small practice, instead of a large firm.
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"my two cents" reply is great. When you shop for the caregiver..tell her what she is in for. If she stays, then reward her well. She will be "like Gold" take good care of her financially. Not everyone can be tough and enjoy.
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The elderly mom doesn't get to decide anything. Explain the situation ahead of time to the caregiver.
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