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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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What to do? You ask? In a nutshell, here are your options without all the confusing, conflicting and muddling emotions:
1. Move her out 2. You move out 3. Put up with her until you can't and have to pick choice 1 or 2. 4. Put up with her till she dies or you die whichever come first
Now for the feely touchy emotions, where is your husband in all this? How does he feel about his mom being in your house and making you miserable? And why did she move in to live with you and your husband?
Oh my goodness. This is a long story. My mother and father in law own the house that my husband and i live in. They were living in not such a safe area below atlanta. We live north of atlanta. Both in there 80's. Oh dont let me forget the brother in law that is a narcissist. I told my husband this was not going to work and i have moved out. Father in law passed away. My husband is there with her because he thinks it is his duty as a son
How does your husband feel about his “duty as a”..........husband?
Actually, although the ailments of old age can weaken the restraints of civility, a full scale 180° may mean something else again.
Has she has a thorough physical recently? A physical complaint, or more than one, can cause terrible mood swings.
Is she depressed? Certainly might have reason to be. Sometimes can cause unreasonable complaints and demands.
Is it worth it to you to make the effort to figure all this out? Does your husband express a desire for you to come home?
My late MIL was NEVER EVER “nice”, but I knew that going in, and I stuck like glue to my husband, because I loved him and believed that he deserved a crack at a semi-normal life with me rather than the off the wall life he lived with her. I’ve never regretted my decision, not once.
Decide what YOU NEED and WANT. Then explore your options with your husband and see where that’s taking you.
I give you a lot of credit, you moved out. Believe me, there are a lot of others on this forum wishing they could do the same thing to get away from in-laws.
Your problem here is not so much MIL but Dear husband. He is between a rock and a hard place. But...you should be his main concern. As such he needs to set boundries with his Mom. She may own the house but that gives her no right to treat you and him the way she does. You made ur stand, now he needs to make his. Yes, her world has been turned upside down. She lost her home and her spouse too. That does not give her the right to be nasty. He needs to tell her that she needs to change that, or he will be joining you.
I also would have her get a good physical. Labs and checked for cognitive impairment. People with Dementia can "showtime". Meaning they know something is wrong but can cover it up for a short time. Your FIL could have been enabling her. He is gone, so things are coming to light. Does she seem worse in late afternoon, early evening? If so this is "sundowning".
Thank you so much. I am didn't know if I was doing the right thing or not. My husband is stuck like you said and mil will never have it anyway but her way. I love my husband and he loves me and there is nothing medically causing her to be how she is. I thought it was but I have researched everything I know to see if it was a condition it is all her. Thank you so much
Beth. You were very brave to have moved out. Where are you living now? By yourself or with someone? How permanent is this arrangement?
What is your goal now? Do you want to go back to your husband or have him join you?
What is your husband's goal?
Since the house belongs to MIL, it's hard pressed to ask her to move, unless you rent the house from her and pay her full rent.
I hope your and your husband's goal is to get back together. MIL had put herself in the middle of your marriage and is breaking it up. Would your husband allow some random person to do this to his marriage? Of course not, but somehow it’s acceptable if that random person is his mother? I really hope he doesn't think that.
Beth, your husband's first duty is to you as his wife. How long have ya'll been married and living in his mother's house? Are you able to support yourself financially where you are now? If you two have children, what do they think?
It sounds like his mother has made him into an emotional substitute for her dead husband. That's not right. Have you ever wondered if your husband really ever left home emotionally or is there some sort of tight emotional bond like enmeshment between the two? If they are each co-dependent upon each other, then you really have your work cut out for you and thus the two of you need to be in therapy together for the sake of your marriage.
I am glad that you have taken a step for your own health. Don't go back. He needs to see the light and come back to you. Some wives in your situation feel, and rightly so, that their husband is more married emotionally to their mom than to them. This is why the book, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment , was written. It's about winning your husband's heart back to you. Another good book to help one understand this type of mother son relationship is, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.
From time to time we have run into this problem. You are not alone. Others are or have been in this too. I can't make you any promises, but I can offer you hope. My prayers go with you in this difficult journey.
Beth, you say below that you moved out. I think you made the wisest decision . Your husband had to choose between his parents and you, and apparently he chose them. I would save up for a quality life ongoing and do your best to enjoy the peace.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
1. Move her out
2. You move out
3. Put up with her until you can't and have to pick choice 1 or 2.
4. Put up with her till she dies or you die whichever come first
Now for the feely touchy emotions, where is your husband in all this? How does he feel about his mom being in your house and making you miserable? And why did she move in to live with you and your husband?
Actually, although the ailments of old age can weaken the restraints of civility, a full scale 180° may mean something else again.
Has she has a thorough physical recently? A physical complaint, or more than one, can cause terrible mood swings.
Is she depressed? Certainly might have reason to be. Sometimes can cause unreasonable complaints and demands.
Is it worth it to you to make the effort to figure all this out? Does your husband express a desire for you to come home?
My late MIL was NEVER EVER “nice”, but I knew that going in, and I stuck like glue to my husband, because I loved him and believed that he deserved a crack at a semi-normal life with me rather than the off the wall life he lived with her. I’ve never regretted my decision, not once.
Decide what YOU NEED and WANT. Then explore your options with your husband and see where that’s taking you.
Hoping for the best for you——
Your problem here is not so much MIL but Dear husband. He is between a rock and a hard place. But...you should be his main concern. As such he needs to set boundries with his Mom. She may own the house but that gives her no right to treat you and him the way she does. You made ur stand, now he needs to make his. Yes, her world has been turned upside down. She lost her home and her spouse too. That does not give her the right to be nasty. He needs to tell her that she needs to change that, or he will be joining you.
I also would have her get a good physical. Labs and checked for cognitive impairment. People with Dementia can "showtime". Meaning they know something is wrong but can cover it up for a short time. Your FIL could have been enabling her. He is gone, so things are coming to light. Does she seem worse in late afternoon, early evening? If so this is "sundowning".
What is your goal now? Do you want to go back to your husband or have him join you?
What is your husband's goal?
Since the house belongs to MIL, it's hard pressed to ask her to move, unless you rent the house from her and pay her full rent.
I hope your and your husband's goal is to get back together. MIL had put herself in the middle of your marriage and is breaking it up. Would your husband allow some random person to do this to his marriage? Of course not, but somehow it’s acceptable if that random person is his mother? I really hope he doesn't think that.
It sounds like his mother has made him into an emotional substitute for her dead husband. That's not right. Have you ever wondered if your husband really ever left home emotionally or is there some sort of tight emotional bond like enmeshment between the two? If they are each co-dependent upon each other, then you really have your work cut out for you and thus the two of you need to be in therapy together for the sake of your marriage.
I am glad that you have taken a step for your own health. Don't go back. He needs to see the light and come back to you. Some wives in your situation feel, and rightly so, that their husband is more married emotionally to their mom than to them. This is why the book, When He's Married to Mom: How to Help Mother-Enmeshed Men Open Their Hearts to True Love and Commitment
, was written. It's about winning your husband's heart back to you. Another good book to help one understand this type of mother son relationship is, Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners.
From time to time we have run into this problem. You are not alone. Others are or have been in this too. I can't make you any promises, but I can offer you hope. My prayers go with you in this difficult journey.
I told him over 30 years ago he is MORE THAN WELCOME to have his mother live with him. In her house.
He's never availed himself of the plan. B/C he wanted ME to do all the work, of course.
Good for you for moving out. I told DH if he ever brought his mother to live with us, I would leave. And he knew I meant it.
Sad that he has chosen his mom over you.