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My son has been taking care of his father for ten to 15 years . His father has been an alcoholic and has drug my son through hell !!! violence destroying his home (my sons home) and threatening him if he try’s to make him leave , his father has said he’d injure himself and say my son was abusing him if he tryed to make him leave and or destroy his home smh his father is wheelchairbound for the most part and is no longer drinking , but refuses to go to assisted living . My son is so burnt out and just wants a life as he deserves. I fear the depression of not k owing what to do is getting worse. My son feels like he’s obligated to care for him although he is notHe feels trapped in a situation he can’t get out of . Everytime he had a job (my son) his father would come up with reasons for him to leave those jobs and take care of him .his five year relationship he had has since gone to hell and now he’s stuck not knowing what to do!his father only cares for his own needs . What can he do ?

Your son who is doing this now for a decade and one half should attend Al-Anon. Does he?

Your son's problem really isn't an alcoholic dad. Quite honestly, the world is just full of fully functioning people living their own lives while their alcoholic parent(s) live quite another kind of life. You say that hubby isn't now drinking, but now is w/c bound and "refuses" to go into care. Sadly, in need as he is, this isn't really his choice.

In Al-Anon your son will quickly learn that no one can help an alcoholic but the alcoholic him/herself, and that for those family members living on the periphery of the lives of alcoholics the only question is "Will you stay or will you go". While Dad isn't currently drinking, he is likely still in the realm of being a "dry drunk" as it is called, in that HIS NEEDS rule the world, and he's no empathy with anyone but himself.
On the face of it it seems an easy answer. That anyone in their right minds would go. But it isn't that easy. We all have many and differing reasons for keeping connected to our alcoholic family. Your son is on a path that is easiest for him now, likely terrified at moving from a habitual way of acting and reacting. He tells himself he is taking care of another and therefore must have no life of his own, when actually he is avoiding the "unknown".

I would encourage your son, who is co-ing his dad, to seek the help of Al-Anon, because the last thing needed here is yet another "co", this one doing it to a son who is doing it to/with his dad. Encourage counseling of some kind. And do attend Al-Anon yourself. You will get tremendous support, invaluable hints and guidance and ideas from those who have BEEN THERE.

I wish you the best of luck, and your son and ex hubby as well. You cannot make your boy's decisions for him, but you can send him to get good guidance from people wiith "no skin in the game". It's easy to ignore the advice of "mom" to tell the truth. You may be that last person able to help him here.
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Penelope11 Sep 3, 2024
I will tell my son about Al-anon
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Really cannot get him out unless he is suicidal, or an unsafe place to live. He (father) would have to be heard by a medical personnel that he is going to hurt himself in some way or if he is taken to a hospital emergency room son can refuse to accept him back to his house claiming it is an unsafe place for him and a social worker can find father a new place. Son can call APS and see if they can help him stating that home is unsafe for a wheelchair bound person stating - no ramps or access to safety items. Cannot force someone into an assisted living situation - but can state that home is an unsafe place to be.
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Penelope11 Sep 3, 2024
The home is safe and my son did install ramps Ugg
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Tell your son to give his deadbeat dad a move date, then when dad threatens to harm himself and your son, he, your son, calls the police and tells them that dad is a danger to himself and others and have him admitted for a psych evaluation.

Once he is out of the house your son tells the hospital that he can NO LONGER SAFELY CARE FOR HIS DAD, PERIOD!!!!

What a piece of garbage your son has for a dad. Hopefully your son can take a stand and reclaim his life from this trash.
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Penelope11 Sep 3, 2024
Yep he’s horrible
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I would call APS and tell them I cannot care for this man anymore. He is becoming violent, abusive and threatning. I would say that after years abusing alchohol he may have Dementia. The next time he becomes violent your son should call the police and ask that Dad be removed. Then when the SW calls tell them he cannot return to sons home. Dad is now 24/7 care and son needs to work. Tell him to tell the SW that the State needs to take on Dads care. Dads needs are beyond son's care. Again, he is violent, abusive and threatening.
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How very heartbreaking that any father would put their own son through such living hell all because of his selfishness.
Your son however needs to grow a set of balls and tell his father that he'll no longer be caring for him and that he has until the end of the month to find some where else to live.
Even if your son has to call APS to come out and do an assessment, and turn over his father into their care, which will mean the state taking over, which will actually be good thing as your son can then get on with living and enjoying his own life.
Or your son may have to file for eviction if he doesn't want to go the APS route.
Either way he needs to get his father out of his house sooner than later.
And your son has to understand that his father IS NOT his responsibility, and is very manipulative and a very evil and mentally sick person.
It sounds like he's done a lot of mental damage to your son as well, which should concern you too, and I do hope that once he gets his father out of his home that you will encourage him to get some mental help therapy, so he can get his life back on track.
And why don't you just call APS and report this sick and mentally damaging situation that your son is being exposed to, and ask them to help your son get him the hell out of there if you are so concerned? As a mom myself, that is what I would do.
Sadly your son has been so beaten down that he may not be man enough to stick up for himself, and that is where you as his mom may need to step up and help him.
Your son needs a full-time paying job and to be a productive citizen. Hopefully when this sick situation is all over and done with he will be just that.
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Isthisrealyreal Sep 3, 2024
Funky, I would have gone over and pushed the slob to the curb myself if the trash I chose to procreate with pulled this crap with my son. So disturbing to hear these sick stories.
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Document! Document every threat of self-harm, suicide, blackmail... EVERYTHING! That’s how I got my mother out. When I refused to meet all her demands she threatened, wrote a note, then tried to kill herself. EMS took her to the hospital, the police made a report, I wailed about how I couldn’t take it anymore (nor could my husband and children), she was a danger to herself, we couldn’t keep her safe and her threats were escalating as her cognitive abilities declined. I was assigned a social worker and my mother was placed in care. I’m in Canada but I have to imagine the process is similar.
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BurntCaregiver Sep 3, 2024
@Anabanana

The process is basically the same here. Although you have to allow for lying social workers who will promise all kinds of services if you'll take the person back.
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Penelope, you got good advice on how to get your son's sperm donor out of his house. Problem is it doesn't sound like your son is mentally ready to.

If I'm wrong good!!! If I'm right please encourage your son to get therapy, go to al anon. He should be there anyways, even without, he has an alcoholic parent, and needs to deal with it, with or without, sperm guy in the picture.

Also tell your son to read and learn everything he can about codependency, and enabling. These are older books so there may be better newer books out there, on the subject, but I would strongly suggest, any Melody Beattys books. One is "Codependency No More" another one I liked is " 12 steps to Codependency" it's just like the 12 steps for an alcoholic, but it's the 12 steps for the alcoholics family instead.

Your son's father, may also be what people call a dry drunk, or have alcohol related dementia.



Best of luck to you and your son
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Reply to Anxietynacy
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When he threatens to hurt himself or threatens to lie about your son hurting him to get his own way, call the police immediately and tell them what's going on. That he's threatening to destroy your son's home and threatening to set him up. Then have him taken out by force if necessary and to the hospital for a psych evaluation and leave him there. Don't allow him to come back. Notify APS today and tell them that he is going to be legally evicted from your home and unless they step up and assume responsibility for him it will be either a homeless shelter for him or a cardboard condo under a bridge.

Go to the housing court in your town with your son and have him formally evicted. Literally have him served with eviction papers from a court-appointed sheriff. Doing this will get APS and social services on his case. They will find him emergency respite housing or a nursing home if he meets nursing home criteria.

Both you and your son should start going to Al-Anon meetings. It will really help both of you cope with having an alcoholic in your lives and teach you the right way to deal with the manipulative and abusive behavior alcoholics and addicts engage in to maintain the status quo and to keep control of their enablers.

Your son also needs to take some accountability for himself for his own sake. He doesn't quit all of his jobs because of his father. That's an excuse.

You and your son are his enablers. No doubt you don't mean to be but you both are. I didn't mean to be one with my first husband either who was an alcoholic, but I was. He was a good, hard-working guy. Certainly he wasn't like the piece of work you make your son's father out to be.

Get him legally evicted and start going to Al-Anon meeting with your son.
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Anxietynacy Sep 3, 2024
Very good advice
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The power is with your son to change this. He needs to firmly decide to get dad out of his home and life. Al-anon would be a giant help in realizing his limits in helping someone who doesn’t want help. Then when dad makes threats, he calls 911 and has him removed by saying he feels unsafe and threatened. He changes the locks and his phone number and stops all contact. The question is, can your son stand up to that? I hope so…
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