I am a 47 year old woman who has decided to live with my mother, who is and has been abusive my whole life. The home was bought by my parents when I was a baby and it was paid off several years ago. About 7 months a go I decided to take out anther mortgage on the home to renovate it to make it easier for her to get around and feel comfortable. I live in the home with my two teenage kids as well. The mortgage and renovation was an agreement between the both of us and I was able to qualify for the loan. The problem I am having aside from her nasty comments of course, is that my boyfriend and I would like to live together after dating for several years. However mother, because she is dominating, is having tantrums and threating me with court that I made her sign the new loan and add me to the title of the house. My boyfriend has never really interacted with her due to her nasty ways. He still wants to live with me to help with the payments of the home. I don't know what to do and sometimes I feel like selling the house and moving on. It's not what I truly want after so much sacrifice and headaches of remodeling.
If you're unable to think clearly about what's in your and your children's best interest, consider getting some counseling to help you. And hire a lawyer to help you thru the court threats mother is issuing, too. Disentangling yourself from this toxic situation certainly sounds like the right decision to me.
You are free to change your mind!
I'm no expert on the financial side, but the same idea could be applied. Whatever was joined together can start to be separated out.
Do not react to threats & tantrums. This is attempts to manipulate.
Start with free advice here & elsewhere. There are many good books about separating from abusive relationships & letting go with love concept if that interests you.
Separate youself from your Mother financially & emotionally as required to protect from abuse.
I hope I'm wrong, but my gut tells me that I'm not. You said it yourself that "I decided to take out another mortgage on the home..."
Knowing that your mom is and has been abusive towards you your whole life, tells me that you just moved in perhaps because you had no where else to go and wanted a free ride for yourself, your children and now your boyfriend. Because who in their right mind would intentionally live with an abuser, unless there was ulterior motives to do so?
Your mom, evil as she supposedly is, deserves to live in peace in her final years, without family drama, so you my dear need to move out with your children and you and your boyfriend need to get a place of your own.
And how very sad that moms home was already paid off and now you are socking her with a new mortgage, that will take more than likely the rest of her life to pay off.
I can't help but wonder if you did all this on purpose as some sort of revenge against her, for all the years of abuse. Two wrongs never make a right you know. I'm just saying.
How long have your children been living with and bearing witness to their grandmother's verbal abuse and gaslighting of their mother?
If it's been longer than one day then they have been living in it way too long.
No one forced your mother to do anything. It sounds to me like you're the one taking a risk here with the loan because it's in your name.
So here's what you do. Sell the property. Let your mother take her share (or if you foolishly put a loan in your name and are not on the deed she can take the whole thing) and move into a senior living community. If you own the property as well as your other, you can force the sale of it in court and get your share.
Let her make all the threats and have all the tantrums she wants, but you and your kids still have to go.
Please heed what I'm telling you here. If you move your boyfriend into the house with your mother, your relationship with him will be over. I don't think I'm telling you anything you don't already know though.
Remember the reason why you never had your man interacting with your mother. That reason will not change if they live together. It will only get worse. Your man accepts and is willing to take on life with not only you, but also with two teenagers. That's a good man. Asking him to also live with a verbally abusive, gaslighting, tantrum-throwing, senior brat is too much to ask of any man or woman.
Of course you don't want to lose the house. That's understandable. It's only a house though. There are many houses in the world and a house can be replaced. Your man and children can't. Making a happy home with them isn't possible with your mother. So make a new home with them. Find another house and make it your own. Now I'm not saying your mother can't be in your life or in your kids' lives. I am saying that if you try to make a home with your kids, your mother, and your boyfriend together it will end with your heart being broken.
Who is on the Mortgage, just you? If so, its your debt. I would not force Mom to sell unless she cannot afford to live in the house on her own income. If you can get her to move, buy her out. But I think what your going to have to do is move into a place of your own. Leave your name on the deed. If Mom ever needs Medicaid, half the house is secure. Medicaid can only recover on Moms half. That way you get your loan money back. Please, do not force the BF moving in. Your life will be hell.