Lately I have seen more and more post about people trying their hardest to take care of a parent or parents even when they are not really able. My question is this- I wonder why most of society expects children to take care of parents at whatever the cost? In my situation, my father had gotten unable to walk, tend to personal needs, unable to get in and out of bed and he has health issues that need monitoring. But, there are many people who believe I should not be working, not have a life, leave my home, give up my pets and etc. To many people, it does not matter if the child or children are physically or mentally unable, just take care of your parent. I would just like to see everyone else's thoughts.
It is definitely mind blowing! I was one of those grown adults who was afraid to say "no" but I have learned to do so. I was conditioned to believe that saying no was wrong.
I said 'YOU are family. Yes?'.
Blank look. "But I'm a not.. I mean, I'm a man."
🤬
1) never did any caregiving or if they had , it was for a pleasant person,
Or
2) they are also entitled elderly people.
Either way they are clueless .
My SIL gave me grief for placing my difficult mother with dementia . I was also working . Less than a year later SIL placed her own cooperative , docile mother who had Alzheimer’s . SIL was retired and didn’t want to be tied down . 🤔🤔🤔
Do any of these people who expect a person to give up their jobs to become care slaves ever think about what becomes of them when "massa" dies or gets put in a care facility?
All the ones who guilt-trip and run their super preachy, moral mouths about it NEVER help these people out. Do they come up with money to pay their bills, keep them housed, and provide for them?
Nope.
It's very difficult and often impossible get yourself employed the day after the funeral when you haven't worked for years and years. Even minimum wage jobs aren't going to hire some person who hasn't worked in years.
I get women applying at my agency all the time who haven't worked in years. I don't just dismiss them outright. We talk and I ask questions. Most of them were some kind of family caregiver. The ones who are married usually do pretty well as homemaker/companions because they don't actually have to make a living because their husbands support the household.
I always feel sorry for the ones who are desperate though. I'm honest with them. I let them know plainly that they aren't going to get enough work from me to provide for themselves. It's sad because many of them were long-term family caregivers who became financially dependent on the family member(s) they were caregivers to. Then they pass away and the rest of the family has their hand out waiting for their cut of the inheritance.
My in-laws are Jewish. My MIL put her mother into assisted living and then to memory care. She wasn't going to give up her life to become a 24/7 caregiver to her mother with dementia. So she placed her. It was a Jewish establishment and the best facility I've ever been in. Beautiful and right by the sea.
If my husband and I need to get placed at some point, this is where we're going.
My friend's daughter is currently a care slave to her fiance's mother because he would never put her in a "home". If he didn't have a slave he would.
People make a choice. Either they are willing to become martyrs to the guilt-trips and societal pressure, or they stand up for themselves and live their own lives.
Also, I love how it's such an "honor" to caregive when there's an ocean separating you from the person you're caregiving for.
I'm gonna get very plain here. I cleaned can, changed diapers, and emptied commodes/bed pans for 25 years. I never felt honored. I felt sick a few times and had to excuse myself to go and vomit privately, but it was never an honor.
Very true because I know I have ( and still do) struggle.
They did not realize we wanted the lives they had. They did not have elders to care for, they all had died by the time my parents were my age. They were unencumbered and traveled. They spent a lot of time with their grandkids. They were able to do what they wanted when they wanted without feeling guilty.
Taking care of two nonagenarians was not the plan.
The Old-Age Insurance Policy.
The senior parents think that if they refuse to do any estate planning to protect their assets that this will guarantee that their children will keep them out of a "home".
It doesn't though. They usually end up getting placed anyway. The only thing that happens is they don't leave behind any inheritance or legacy to their families. These families watch a lifetime of work and assets go up in smoke in a very short amount of time to a care facility.
I've heard AARP does a horrible job with this, but honestly mine go in the garbage, when they come in .
I read a horrible disgusting reply from dear Abby a few months ago. Someone at the end of there rope, and she pretty much said, in so many words, just suck it up.
There just needs more education. Aging people are scared and they are all looking to hard at there children to do everything. If they where educated better , maybe it wouldnt be so scary. ( On the other hand maybe it will make them more scared)
Even more TV shows, or movies, to show how hard it is.
He is in a care home now. He went recently but I think he still believes it is temporary. You are right, I still have to oversee. I'm handling bills and etc. As you stated, my pets, job and private life are my family. It's ME.
I don't think neither of my parents expected to live as long as they did. Dad was 79 and felt he was on borrowed time. Mom was 89. Her siblings gone at 53, 60 and 79.
This Country needs to be in the here and now. The future does not look good for SS. That means our children will have to work and have 401s and savings for their future. They cannot afford to care for us. Some of our members were born to people who waited till their 30s, even 40s to have children. There is no way that their futures should be ruined to take care of parents. Grandchildren should not be taking care of grandparents. We are the Caregiver, we have the choice to say NO. There is no disrepect is saying NO I am not going to compromise my family or my future to care for a parent who thinks I owe them or any other family member. There has to be respect on both sides. Boundaries put in place.
My grandmother is 98. She and my grandfather paid ungodly sums of money every year for long term care insurance. My grandfather passed a number of years ago - and never had any need for it. My grandmother won't even let US help. Only my mother. Only EVER my mother. We almost bodily had to carry her to our house during COVID lockdown so that they could stay here and not have to go out for any reason (only I was leaving to pick up groceries)
She most definitely has dementia - though undiagnosed. In her mind - and quite frankly out loud as well - she is taking care of my mother. We share a home with my mother and have for a while since my dad passed away. We sold our home and moved here so that we could pay the bills and she could travel. That ended quickly. Mom ended up moving to stay t my grandmother's home because she needed more and more help. My grandmother believes she is saving mom from *having* to be here (something mom actually WANTS!) My grandmother has mom split bills with her and everything like she's renting her a room or something. My grandmother has decided that she rescued mom, rather than needing to have someone take care of her.
She has refused an outside caregiver, she has refused Palliative Care (which her doctor recommended but she said "I'm not there yet, if I am in 6 months I'll think about it" Honestly - we are all just holding our breath to see if she makes it 6 months.)
LTC Insurance was my grandfather's idea. I think if he had outlived my grandmother, he would have used it.