I am glad that my mom is in a hospice facility.
The staff is incredibly kind to her and our family. She is in the best place possible for her needs. She is well cared for.
Still, it’s difficult to get through this time.
My dad died many years ago in the hospital. My brother died in a hospice facility. I suppose that I am thinking of their death and how terribly sad I was at that time.
Death is so much easier to accept when a person has not suffered for a long period of time. When my grandmother died she didn’t suffer. Her heart simply stopped. There was no long drawn out illness.
I find it so difficult to watch a person lose all of their abilities. They become a shell of who they once were, just a warm body waiting to leave this earth.
I took care of mom for so many years. I watched a slow decline that broke my heart.
It doesn’t get any easier even though I have seen my father and brother go through their decline.
Mom has lived so long. She’s 95 and I used to tell her that she would live to be a 100! Her response would always be the same, “Oh God, I hope not! I am ready to join your father.” She kissed his picture goodnight every evening before bed and told him that she loved him.
I guess that I am wondering how it will feel to have both parents gone. I know that mom is at peace. I am grateful for that. It’s not that I want to hold onto her. I just wonder how it will effect me when it happens.
Is it harder than losing the first parent to death or is it a relief or joyful knowing that they will finally be united again?
We are concerned when our first parent dies, how the surviving parent will cope.
I suppose that I hadn’t thoroughly considered how I would feel with both parents gone.
Is this silly for me to be questioning this at my age (65)?
Please share your experiences or thoughts on this topic.
Thanks.
I know I don't fear death, and feel certain she'll be reunited with her mama, papa, and siblings she's constantly talking about lately. That will be a wonderful reunion. Dad I'm not so sure about....lol. 68 years of marriage and she never speaks of him, no photos of him in her room, nothing. I just hope she's civil to him when the day does come. 😮
I guess it's impossible to know how we'll react until the time comes. So in the meantime, let's just enjoy the good moments we do have with our mothers in the here and now, I suppose.
My mom has been saying that she senses daddy next to her.
Each of us has an individual perspective on things. I greatly feared the loss of my bro, my last touchstone on our family history. But seeing him my last trip, our talk of his fears of his diagnosis of probably early Lewy's Dementia and what it would mean for us, for our losses as it progressed, I came home and said to my partner, "I once feared the loss of D. Now I fear only that he will not go before having to sustain further losses; I cannot bear the thought of any indignities for him".
I wish you the best. You are thoughtful, loving, giving and you clearly have been a great source of comfort and joy to your Mom. You have even talked. So many of my patients talked to ME, their nurse, saying they could not talk to families.
May your Mom now be in peace with no suffering; thank goodness for Hospice. How lucky she was in having you. Knowing my bond of love with my daughters makes me sympathize with your own.
I am also glad that the nurses are so sweet to mom.
Losing both parents I feel like an orphan. I have good days and bad days. I’m glad I came right back to this forum because it has helped me so much.
You are a wonderful daughter, you are a caring person. It’s so nice you can be with her at the end.
I held my mothers hand and told her I loved her. They gave her morphine at the end so she did not suffer.
Praying for you and your mom during this difficult , emotional time.Take care and hugs to you!! We all care!!
She is eating some but not a lot.
It’s interesting, she says that she hasn’t really been hungry for years!
I have thought of that last connection being lost forever and it is upsetting to me.
I have started working on my family tree. It’s fascinating what we discover in our family trees.
I’m doing the best that I can at the moment but it is a very emotional time.
Yes, indeed there are similarities with you and I with siblings. I am not terribly close to them and our parents were the common thread that we have.
I have never been with anyone at the exact time of death. I left the room seconds before my brother died. I think he wanted to be alone to die, if that makes any sense.
Going to see mom after I finish my coffee this morning.
Thanks again. Your words helped me, just knowing that I am not alone in my thoughts.
Most hospice settings are very good places to be. Tranquil - and happy, curiously enough. Not so much the end of the line as a departure lounge, I suppose, is one way to look at it.
The people there are keeping you in close touch, are they?
The nurses are wonderful! I love them. Mom smiles when they are around.
It’s just hard to see her this way but they are keeping her comfortable. It’s a nice place.
Very small. It’s a lot different from the nursing home that she did rehab in.
I was very young when my dad died - 15, actually. So it was a different grieving process when my mom died. I was still sad, but I think it was easier to "accept". Not that death is ever EASY to accept, it was just EASIER. With my dad, it was a more the loss of his physical presence, if you can get my meaning; with mom, it's more emotional. I don't remember ever feeling "wow, I can't wait to tell dad..." after he passed, it was more missing his presence coming in after work, having dinner, sitting around watching TV, that sort of stuff. But that's my own kid's view of a parental relationship. I had a much more "adult" relationship with my mom when she passed, which I guess makes sense because I am an adult (at least most of the time!!).
I find myself, when I go up into "her" apartment (I have a 2 family home) telling her what I'm doing up there, just as I did when she was alive ("hey, mom, I'm just throwing stuff in your fridge; hey mom, I'm going to use your bathroom if you don't mind"). Sometimes it feels weird to do that; other times I sense her presence so clearly that it doesn't seem weird at all.
I think the hardest part - Since my mom was the eldest of her family, and she lived the closest (in distance) to her parents, she was responsible for their estates as well as my dad's. So now, as I go through her things, I'm finding stuff of my dad's (I found his wallet the other day, tucked away in a drawer in mom's bedroom - that was tough) as well as stuff of my grandparents, so it's been taking an emotional toll on me. Fortunately, since she lived in my home, there's no rush to get everything emptied out and disposed of, one way or the other; I can take my time, and when it feels overwhelming, I can leave it for another day.
NHWM, you have been on my mind since you posted about mom in hospice. I don't think anyone grieves the same way from one person's passing to another, just based on ages/relationships/illnesses, etc. You gotta feel what you feel until you don't feel it anymore (this is my sister's advice to me, and it helps!). My hope for you is that you can come to some modicum of peace as you all go through this next phase of your lives; and of course, you're in my prayers. Many hugs!
I went this morning to see her. I brought her ice cream. She loves her ice cream!
She was awake and happy to see me. My brother was there too.
She’s calm. The meds (Seroquel and Ativan) are helping.
My nephew sent a beautiful spring bouquet for her. She smiled when they were delivered.
Thanks so much for thoughts and prayers. Please keep prayers coming our way.
Thanks for sharing your journey. It really does help others.
I don’t think it’s weird. I talk to my dad. I was grown with my two daughters when he died. He was the best grandfather that I could ever ask for.
You were so young to lose your dad.
You’re right, our relationship with our moms are very different!
I like what your sister says.
Thanks for reaching out.
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