I am kind of on a road that seems to lead me nowhere at this point in my life. I am now 31, and I feel beyond depressed to be honest. I was never able to pursue my career, and enjoy a good part of my 20's. My grandmother got CHF and my grandfather got Alzheimer's. I spent over 10+ years of my life taking care of them till they passed.
My grandmother was the rock of the family, and once she passed in 2016, I was left to care for my grandfather ( my grandmother always said she wished he died first so nobody would have to carry this burden ). My aunts all bickered and argued about his care and needs, while I felt the burden would fall onto me. Nobody wanted to take care of him. He is ill tempered, mannered and can be violent at times. My father was a jerk and kept saying "what can he do?" and he got remarried during this time. He always said he wanted to live his life, and I always thought what about my life?
I started going to nursing school in 2018, and that dragged beyond the expected graduation date due to covid.
I am so tired mentally even now when I thought about how I would go to class, clinicals, and then take over the care of my grandfather, since I lived with him. I lived on 4 hours of sleep, and I was never able to meet my friends, or do anything of that nature. I felt like a slave. I took the beatings my grandfather gave me, I took the abuse he gave me, and the degradement he gave me. I was so exhausted, and yet nobody helped. My aunts couldn't care for him for more than 6 months, and walked out ( they would only stay for a few hours and leave anyways). My grandfather by now has hit late stage Alzheimer's, and he became more violent. After he passed in 2020, I was left to pick up the pieces, I finished my program finally last year, but I just couldn't get myself to take the exit exam. I cry most days, since I feel my whole life was partially wasted on something that should have never been my responsibility. Where do I go from now? I ask myself all these questions.
The worst part of it all was my own parents had no need for me anymore and tossed me away as well. All words of appreciation were words. They didn't care, nor did my family for all that I did for their parents. I was just used.
* I started writing about my story, just to ease some of this pain.
Writing it down. Letting some of the heavy burdens you have been carrying appear on a page. See how that feels. A tiny bit lighter? I hope so.
Warning: there may a wave of replies about to wash in.. all advising you to 'do you' basically.
To stand up for yourself, return responsibilities to those who own them & turn towards healing your own life.
Have you ever done an empathy quiz? You may be at the high end. Many nurses are. Take in broken winged birds, the fixerupper boyfriends, the elderly relatives etc.
With some stronger boundaries, I think you can make a fine nurse.
Think of it this way, if a nurse gives all she has to her first patient, she can't care for the rest. Boundaries are essential.
It's never to late to grow 🌱
It sounds like you are in a mental health crisis and need help right away.
Can you try calling 211? (edit; it looks like the resource in LA isMENTAL HEALTH RESOURCES
The Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health (LACDMH) supports the wellbeing of our County residents and communities. LACDMH’s Help Line is available 24/7 to provide mental health support, resources and referrals at (800) 854-7771.
In most parts of the country this will connect you to immediate mental health resources. I urge you to call right now; we NEED nurses DESPERATELY and you are a valuable human being.
Please stay in touch here. Reach out to 211 and write back if they can't help.
{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}
REFRAME where you are. There are counselors who can help you design your path to nursing or art or a therapy field or…….WHATEVER OCCUPATION YOU CAN BRING FROM YOUR OWN CREATIVITY.
TODAY- begin a conscientious search for a therapist who will help you get through your very understandable depression.
Do you have a physician? Religious leader? Community public health agency? ASK for a list of therapists. I’m a fan of cognitive behavioral therapy because it’s somewhat structured and result driven, but any therapist that treats depression is worth a go.
Join a group, join a YMCA, join a historical society, develop a long waited for hobby. All potential places to make friends.
You write lucidly and well. Start a journal, and make a part of it the place for storing and exploring your dreams.
CHOOSE JOY over darkness. Please come back. Many of us have lived periods of time in the kind of life you lived. WE’RE ON YOUR SIDE!