There are days when Grandma's dementia is really bad, she does things that not only make no sense at all, but make my job as a live-in caregiver so much harder. And I am having a really hard time dealing with it because I already feel stressed out to begin with just trying to get through the normal routine of life, so this only adds to the pressure. Sadly, I end up super frustrated and lose my temper. I hate to tell you that it's getting easier for me to lose my temper.
I understand this is part of caregiver burnout, and normal. So how do I cope with stress in the moment? What are some things I can do to control my stress levels when I find myself triggered?
One person suggested that I not argue with Grandma, and the lightbulb in my head went off. Usually I'm arguing with her when I get ticked off. Why I argue with her, who knows. It's not like she can remember things or do what I wish she would. But for some reason- maybe my personality- I argue.
The other time is when she's being demanding, not because of authority but because she simply forgets and asks for things a thousand times, which gets irritating pretty fast. I don't take it personally because memory issues cannot be helped. But it gets super annoying fast. Some days I have patience and some days not.
It's just so hard to see her like this. My once-sharp as a tack, active, grandma is fading away. It's a difficult change to accept.
Does grandma need 24/7 care? If so, this would wear on anyone’s nerves. You need breaks from time to time.
How old is your grandmother? How old are you?
Do you mind sharing why you are caring for your grandmother?
Are you being paid? What about planning your future?
I know that COVID-19 complicates things but perhaps it is time that you surrender your caregiving duties.
I dearly loved my grandparents but I didn’t live with them. When did you move in? Did they raise you? Does grandma have children? Why aren’t they looking after her?
I think besides having something fun to do to relieve stress, I also need to not be so hard on myself. I try so hard to make it all work- sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. On the days where it doesn't, I need to just say "okay, today's a bad day" and just let things go. That's always been part of my problem.
Can there be another caregiver that comes in a few hours a few days a week?
Even 2 or 3 hours will help.
Check with your local Area Agency on Aging to see if she would qualify for any help.
If grandma is eligible for Hospice she/you would get some help you would also get supplies and equipment that you need to care for her.
Few tips for you.,
When you get angry if you can, leave the room. Make sure it is safe to leave her for a bit.
When she does something or says something try to laugh it off or ignore what she has said or done.
REDIRECT is the name of the game.
Give her something else to do.
Bring her to a different room. If she is in the living room take her to the kitchen for a tea or coffee.
Best piece of advice...Don't Argue. You will NEVER win an argument with a person that has dementia.
(by the way..you might want to correct your profile you state grandma is 37..that would make you a VERY young caregiver😉)
It's funny you should mention the arguing. This is only just sinking into my thick skull now about walking away instead of arguing. A person with dementia loses the ability to reason, so argument is futile. But it's taken me a long time to accept that Grandma now has dementia and is no longer the reasonable person she once was. I think this was a big part of the emotional drain.
Get breaks from Grandma--hopefully Sr Centers will open soon and that is a great place for elders to congregate and make friends. Do you have family who will step up a few hours a week?
I've had to take care of my DH many times during some pretty horrific health issues. Burnout is inevitable and if your patient is not 'there' mentally, it's 100xs worse. I had to grow a thick skin and not take everything DH would say personally.
And honestly if it's just getting to be too much for you to handle anymore, please get the family involved in finding the appropriate facility for her to be placed in. Wishing you the best.
I agree with "don't argue". She can't remember what she "should" do. Have some vague, basic responses ready for the silly things she will continue to say due to her condition. It's not HER, it's the dementia talking. While it may get boring, it'll be much easier for both of you if you do not take it personally and/or get annoyed. Accept and expect that she will ask the same question a million times. Oh well. It's part of the package. Take a deep breath and give one of your planned responses. Distract her with something else, if possible.
So, you work full time and care for her on weekends? Are weeknights your responsibility too? That leaves not much time for you.
Good luck.
Please continue to vent when needed. Ask questions about any concerns too.
Keep us posted. We care.
Take care. Wishing you all the best. It’s very hard watching those we love decline.