My mom and dad would love to have me and my wife live upstairs from them and want for me to quit my job and go full time taking care of him and my mom which is out of the question. I don't know what to do. I have a private aide caring for them 5 days a week but he does not like her but I do. I'm looking to put them into an assisted living facility but hate like heck to take them out of their home. I don't have any brothers or sisters. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
For many of us it takes a crisis to make the move out of the home into assisted living. For me it was a series of bad falls and worsening dementia.
A lot of this may also depend on what authority you have such as POA. Many elders can SEEM competent but are not, have no executive reasoning, do not want to move and have no idea the stress they are placing on families. You have to power through this. Your folks are going to have to do some things they don’t want to do pretty soon. This is the hard reality
If they need a caregiver 5 days a week (and you on weekends??), it looks like AL would be an appropriate choice. They probably won't like it but it is sounding like it is probably the right answer.
Will your parents be reasonable to see that they need more help than they can get at home? You have to try to get them to understand that you are not willing or able to give up your current work and relationships in order to fulfill their growing needs.
Good for you for setting boundaries.
Then I would go over the options realistically with them and decide as a family the best course of action. Take some time to check out IL and AL facilities, look at situations that would allow for increasing the level of care on the same campus if the need arises. Look at the options of renting the apartment upstairs at a discount in return for care giving it that's a suitable situation, maybe there is a school nearby with nursing, medical, PT, CNA programs with students that would fit well. Maybe you and your wife do move in but supervise and take care of the house with caretakers coming in during the week while you continue in your own jobs. Whatever options you look at be sure to plan for more future needs as they will likely increase, make sure the funds and plan is in place for all contingencies and maybe involve an elder care/estate attorney as well.
So that's my suggestion....go tour some places and talk to the RESIDENTS about how they like living there. Find privately owned communities vs. Corporate owned money machines. Speak with the caregivers and see how they like working there. That will give you a good idea of what your parents can expect in their new home and lifestyle. It's a win-win situation for everyone, if you play your cards right.
Best of luck
https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/the-limits-of-our-responsibility-451189.htm?orderby=recent
sit down and make it clear to them that moving in will never happen and then say something like I will see you again in a week while you let this sink in. You have to be firm
Even when not suffering from Dementia, I think parents get selfish as they age. They see they need more help as they age and they want a child to do the helping. Its not practical for you to quit a job and move above them. Tell Dad that. Set boundries now. Your responsibility is to your wife and your future. You need those years for SS. You tell Dad how it is. Let him be mad. Don't give in. Bible says a man leaves his parents and clings to his wife. Call Office of Aging and find what resourses are out there.