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Mom is almost 85 and has Alzheimer's - triggered by the anesthetic during a 2016 hip replacement. She lived alone for 2+ years after that with my sister and me providing everything we could and getting her out of the house 4 times a week to eat.


We never succeeded in getting her to clean up/shower, though she desperately needed it. She got offended when we quietly, politely suggested it was time to bathe, change clothes. In her demented state, she said she had done those things, and also took care of her house, did laundry, cooked, etc. No, she did none of those things. (In a support group my sister and I attend, we learned she was "self-neglecting.")


So that and what we learned was a fractured leg bone resulted in a hospitalization, rehab and forever placement in a memory care facility this past January. It was time; we were beat. We chose a local company that operates five memory care homes in our area - 5 residents per house rather than a large, institutional place. Better caregiver-to-resident ratio, could cater more to her extremely difficult personality. This company rates very highly with the state and is subject to the same rules and regs as "brand names" in senior care.


In general, we siblings are pleased, but Mom is completely miserable. We expected this; she has no idea anything is wrong with her and understands nothing of what's going on. Doesn't even remember she broke a hip. She's miserable anywhere but home (where she was also miserable).


So yesterday being Mother's Day, we thought we'd take her to lunch and met our brother halfway - about a 1 hr drive. We asked the caregivers to try to give her a shower or get her cleaned up beforehand because she desperately needed it. They tried but Mom was having none of it. Fought so hard against it she banged her wrist against something, tore her fragile skin, and bled everywhere, which they bandaged up. We learned about that in the morning. By the time we got there to pick her up, she didn't remember the fracas, but it was obvious she had not bathed. The staff felt bad they couldn't get it done. Blood, mysterious stains, and other stuff all over her shirt. I cannot blame the staff for this - Mom is stubborn, obstinate and - I learned on this site, probably suffers anosognosia. In short, yesterday was rather miserable and we couldn't get her back there fast enough. Which is when things really went downhill.


In bringing her back to the home, she cried and had fits that she wasn't going home. She was grasping at us, crying, slamming her fists, etc., in frustration. My sister and I got out as fast as we could, leaving the poor CNA on staff to deal with her anger. But we were totally spent.


Part of this is venting...part is asking for your secrets to get someone to WASH?? I'm very concerned she's going to get a UTI (if she doesn't already have one) because it's very clear that's the center of the problem. She says she's very careful about that, but no, she isn't.


More info: she HATES pills and doctors. Doesn't listen or want their advice. She's racist and most of the house staff is non-Caucasian. I would just be grateful if she didn't stink so much. Dusting powder only covers so much. What can we do??

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It's very difficult.

[Can I have a prize for most helpful response? 😬]

The thing is. It is perfectly true that a person ought not to be forced to do something. However. Coaxing, cajoling, persuading - NOTHING is going to make your mother agree to be showered or bathed.

And although it's fine for these things to be less frequent than her habit used to be, it is not fine for her hygiene to be neglected altogether.

It is even less fine for this to be pursued to the point where she sustains injury, even if the injury is accidental/self-inflicted.

What is running through my memory at the moment is the process employed on the first stroke ward my mother stayed in (briefly, thank God). And the point about this process is that consent was never an issue, because there was never a point at which she was consulted or could have objected.

It takes a team of three nursing assistants, they get in there, they are so fast and efficient, and they wield so much muscle power among them, that it's over in minutes before the person knows what is happening, pretty much. It isn't pretty, but it's efficient and you end up with a clean mother.

I have to tell you that I was whimpering and bleating in a corner while all this was going on until the lead aide turned round and said "do you want your mother washed or not?" So that was me told.

Anyway - the point is that this is about attitude, experience and sheer heft. The people in the nice family atmosphere place are not prepared to seize hold of your mother and get the job done, because they are following different ethics. I wonder if, ironically, and seeing that your mother's miserable whatever you do, she might in fact be more efficiently cared for in a more institutional setting.
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Sendhelp May 2019
The prize for most helpful and timely response goes to Countrymouse!
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I'm going to second what CM said; get her into a Nursing Home.

What's going to be better about a NH setting is that there will be Behavioral staff (psychiatrist, behavioral team, what have you) who will be able to advise on the appropriate medication for your mother's agitation and possible depression. While meds are not going to turn your feisty and uncooperative mother into a pussy cat, they might make everyone's life a little easier when it comes to hygiene, visits, daily life.

One rule that I learned early on in my mom's dementia? Bring the party to her. Don't take a person with dementia out of their facility, especially not in a private vehicle. My mother grabbed the steering wheel from my husband while we were on a highway. We were lucky that he was driving; had it been me, we'd all be dead.
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shad250 May 2019
Drug her into in a stupor?
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Maybe if I ever get to that point, my anxiety can be secretly medicated so I can better cooperate with care.
Maybe wheel-chaired into a huge handicapped shower and squirted down in my clothes if necessary.
Permission? How could anyone in that mental state give permission?
Maybe I should write down giving my permission now, just in case, because I want to stay clean, always.

The injuries are a concern, whether they are accidental or not.

Choosing a more appropriate institutional setting as mentioned by CM may be the answer. The staff may have a match for your Mom's preferences.

Keep trying, it is very difficult.
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shb1964 May 2019
Funny thing - my sister has healthcare proxy but they are still not allowed to give Mom meds without her consent. Makes no sense to me. A mentally ill person is not equipped to give a sensible answer, but that's the law in our state. Bloody stupid in my opinion. I can't fault the facility for that - they're following the law.
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Agree with Countrymouse, have seen 3 x carers get the job done. Sometimes there is just too much "would you like a wash?" Ask & answer is NO.

Other options;

#1 humour (depends on your mother). One posfer here told her mother she smelt like the elephant house at the zoo! Her mother laughed & concented to a wash. Lol.

#2 pamper. Read this online. More for at home than in care settings. Don't use words like bath, shower, wash. "Mother It's time for your spa treatment". Out comes the super soft towels, scented candles & smelly soaps.

(I sure don't have time for that & my Mum was never a spa type...)

#3 don't ask, just do. Like the 3x carers but much more low key. Don't talk about it. Just move into the bathroom chatting about other stuff. Just start the process & see if you get away with it. May work some of the time.

#4 basin of water & wash cloths. A body part or two every day. Good for the shy/private types.

#5 study the situation. What's behind the refusal - fear, embarresment, pain? Especially after hip surgery: is the shower commode uncomfortable? Is the room cold? The water too cool? (My Mum hates being cold). Is the bathroom white & sterile looking? Add some colour! At respite they added a bright tissue box & coloured towels - more home like, less scary.

#6 control. Ask mother what Day she WILL wash. As you wish: Mondays & Fridays. That is actually working for my Mum at home after constant refusal at rehab. Trouble is she will probably argue it's not Monday... sigh.

Sorry for long post. I do sympathise.

Attended my family Easter & we all had to sit next to an open door, waaaay away from Mum.
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shad250 May 2019
Lol
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Not sure if this will work.
My daughter is a RN in a rehab/nursing facility. I had complained that medical staff tend to ask "would you like to take a shower?" Of course a person suffering from Dementia says "No". My daughter said that you have to make them feel they made the decision. Like "Mrs E, wouldn't you feel better being clean and sweet smelling. A shower would make you feel so much better" more likely to do it.

Its also been mentioned on the site that showers tend to scare them. My Mom had a shower chair in her shower and a hand held shower head. I would rinse, soap up and then rinse her off. She was never under the shower constantly. Her bathroom was warmed up. It was done as quick as possible.
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shb1964 May 2019
Good points, and we have mentioned to staff that things have to seem like her idea. But with four aides (2 have left since she's been there since January), it's hard to keep them all informed of her quirks. I like the approach and will suggest it, though being a memory care place, they should be aware of this. Since they may not be, we will mention it.

She stopped bathing at home, too. We got her giant "baby wipes" that we discovered while she was in the hospital and she used them for a while. Not a solution, but they helped. Now she won't even use those. She refuses shower chairs, stools, and other aides - those are for "old people." She used to love baths. Now she says she's taking them but there's no proof - not in used laundry and certainly not about her person. My gut tells me she'll get another UTI and land herself in the hospital.
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We are going through exactly the same problem with my MIL at her memory care facility/assisted living. Every once in a while she will agree to a shower but otherwise, no. She also is very good at refolding her soiled clothing so unless staff are really on top of it, they cannot tell that her clothes are soiled. While the facility can’t “force” her to shower, they try hard. We have agreed to a few things that help:
1. Staff will remove the soiled clothing from her room every night once she is sleeping. Every visit, my husband and I gather up any clothing in her room we think might be dirty. We take it home, wash it and return it the next visit.
2. We make an appointment for her every week to have her hair washed and styled. (Salon is at the facility)She has only refused a few times.
3. Staff will keep trying to get my MIL to shower. When able, my husband and I will encourage her to shower while we are there. The staff will try to be as flexible as possible with this.
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shb1964 May 2019
The staff is pretty good about keeping tabs on her dirty clothes - what few there are because she's usually still in them - but they don't fold them right and she can tell. She won't let them put anything away when she's in her room. She says "leave it alone and get out" so they do.

A few select aides have had better success than others cajoling her to shower. Unfortunately, the two good ones are no longer employed there.

She has worn a wig (that looks like a dead possum if you ask me) since I was a little girl. That thing should be burned somewhere as toxic waste. She never did like salons and since this is a home, there's not one onsite anyway.

My sister and I have had little success in getting her to bathe. She insists she has. But as everyone says, you can't argue or try logic with Alz victims. We keep bringing it up - she has the same answers. Sometimes, when the aides have success with it, they are so excited that they'll call us. I hope for one of those calls soon.
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Maybe you can hire an aide privately. To try and work with her to get showers. I have no ideas here. My mom refuses to go anywhere. It’s a constant battle to keep aide’s in the Home more than 6 months st a time. And my mom does not have Alzheimer’s or Dementia or Atleast her Dr doesn’t think so and neither did the neurologist(3) she’s been to. Or the two psychologists who’ve evaluated her in the 3 rehabs when she’s been in after falls and hip replacement in 2014. But she’s depressed and anxious.
I went with an aide at home but we only had one 12 hours a week for 4 years. I did the rest. After the most recent fall last summer when they wouldn’t let her out of the rehab without continuous coverage we increased it too much to 7 days a week 9 hours a day. They just sit. A lot. It helped initially. But it didn’t help for more than 6 months, the “full time” aide got depressed and injured her knee twice. She also couldn’t drive. Her replacement worked three days then suddenly was hospitalized. It’s back to a mixed up schedule and I’m back up depressed and anxious. Never fails. We get through the the fall and winter and then it all falls apart in spring and summer and everybody quits or cuts back. I have no other family here. One brother comes East once a year but can’t be here more and it’s dwindled down from one week to one short weekend with him out part of it in the city. I for one wish I had your guts in getting mom to a good NH. My mom stopped PT (which always helped) because the PT said Medicare won’t continue to pay even with her drs orders. Also moms only got Medicare so there is a yearly cap I think.
we Had aides who could drive but my mom got robbed and so did I prior to all this. When it was only the 12 hrs a week and we tried upping it to 40. It was 4 different people and the one we thought might work (local, with a car, supposedly a CNA but turns out she lied) out is the one who stole. We had to prosecute. They caught her. She was stealing from other seniors at that agency too. We changed agencies. It helped as I said for 6 months. Mom only qualifies for meals on wheels but won’t eat food anymore and I don’t blame her. It’s gone down hill. Took her to local Senior center twice where Meals used to be good it was too much for her.
i feel for you. It’s too much no matter which way you go. But hang in there if you can.
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shad250 May 2019
Your mom is content to be a hermit. I With the way the outside world is can't really blame her.
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So sad, what a worry.
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You describe it as a care home...do you mean it is a Memory Care facility? Because, I've never heard of a Memory Care facility who can't figure a way to get the resident bathed. My LO was very resistant to bathing. AL could NOT get her to budge. In MC, they had no trouble with it. She allows them to shower or bathe her just fine. No issues. They have special training and it seems it works for most. I have been in the hall and noticed the sound of music coming from the shower room. I think they play it to relax the resident during the bath.

If they are truly MC specialized unit staff and cannot get her bathed, I'd explore medication with her doctor to help with her agitation. I would imagine being that agitated would be mentally painful.
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shb1964 May 2019
Yes, it is a MC facility and we've been told the staff is trained to handle the specialized nature of dementia and Alz. The four other residents of the house are beyond resisting. Mom is the only one who has a grain of ability left. We have talked several times with the company's ownership and nurse administrators who we hope will take a more proactive approach to our case. A couple aides had a special touch, it seems, but they no longer work there. Mom is entrenched and nothing can move her when she's like that.

As to medications, she is refusing to take the 2 she is on about half the time. In our state, they cannot force her to take them; she must consent (completely asinine law for the mentally impaired). I'm sure she's in a great deal of mental pain. We arranged to have her speak with a neuropsychologist but she clammed up and wouldn't say a thing. She doesn't believe in Western medicine and can't swallow pills anyway. Some can be in liquid form but again, they cannot force her to take meds without consent. Just an ugly situation from all angles.
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They may trick her outside and hose her down with soap as well
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shb1964 May 2019
I'm pretty sure the state and the neighbors would frown on that. Much as she aggravates me, even I think that's a pretty cruel resolution.
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Shb1964 it sounds like you really have tried it all...

Last resort medication? Sendhelp mentioned secretly medicating for anxiety.. You said she regularly refuses meds but maybe discuss with the Doctor if there is anything to help calm her? And if so, in patch form (stuck upper mid back, out of her reach).

Nobody wants to be zonked out every day but sometimes people do not verbalise their pain well, or will not admit to pain unless feel very safe to do so.

As dementia progresses to later stages she will probably accept washing. I'm sorry for this journey you are on.

Take care of you.
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shb1964 May 2019
Beatty, I realize in my question I asked for help then basically rebuked/reasoned way every responder! Not my intent (I thank everyone for chiming in), but I did want to indicate what we've tried. Of course, with this disease, trying once isn't enough. What doesn't work one day may work another and yes, we are sort of waiting for more degradation to make her more compliant. Sad to wish for that but there it is.

I like the patch idea, though I don't know if these kinds of drugs come in patch form. But unless my sister or I went every time one needed changing, I'm not sure if it would work. She truly is germophobic and xenophobic - two problems we can't seem to circumvent.

There is one thing I'll say for medication...it's helping me!! I've been on anti-anxiety and anti-depressants for quite a while. Before this stuff started happening with her. To my mother, however, living "on pills" is not worth living.
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Choices!
Can a person be both incompetent and competent to make their own choices?

Have Mom sign a permission slip to have her meds administered in a smoothie.

A) If she cannot be allowed to give permission in writing, because she would not
understand....
B) How can she competently refuse (or choose) to not take her meds?
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shb1964 May 2019
That's the conundrum our state hasn't figured out. It's Florida, so that's part of the problem! (We are the national butt of many jokes and if you read our local paper's headlines, you'd see why.)

We have letters from two physicians declaring her as "incapacitated" and unable to make good decisions on her own behalf. That STILL doesn't allow medical personnel to "slip her the drugs." That's state law - not the choice of the place we have her.

We have been successful in doing the *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* thing with some of the staffers saying "We're fine with whatever you have to do to get the meds into her." And they've picked up on that. What they're doing could get them fired, but we're not saying a word about it. One of the drugs she has been prescribed is truly helping tamp down her anxiety; we can tell when she hasn't taken it. So if they're able to slip it to her with our knowledge but not hers, we support that.

There's no way she'd give permission to give her medicine unless she's in a (rare) decent mood. I don't know if that would be acceptable to the house administrators anyway. So far as we can, we'll keep with the winking and nudging! If that doesn't work, I'll take your permission slip suggestion!

Thanks!
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Disclaimer:
I personally would never administer medication secretly to anyone, but I know of a wife who did this (for/to?) her husband.
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Beatty May 2019
No I wouldn't advice anyone administer medication secretly either, just to be clear BUT if I suspected pain (physical or mental) I would speak up.

The secret part comes in for people who have previously given permission but now have lost capacity to comply. It's certainly quite a moral dilemma.
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My mom was starting to pull the same thing with showers. Said her doctor told her once a week was fine. But she smelled. Since she loved for me to take her out, I said only if she showered the day before. It worked. Now we have her on two showers a week. If she refuses one, at least she gets the other.
With the meds, my mom did not refuse, but she was having a hard time getting them into her mouth...kept ending up on the floor. So the aides given them to her on a spoon with yogurt or applesauce. Much better!
Good luck!
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shb1964 May 2019
We have thought about ultimatums. I'm not sure she could remember that, though. That may well be our next step, getting the aides on our side in carrying it out. They have also noticed that she needs to shower (anyone with a nose could). In fact, since she banged up her arm so badly on Mother's Day, an ARNP or RN is coming in every couple days to look at it to change the dressing. Maybe they'll have better luck. I'd be grateful for one a week.

As to the pills, we have found that Mom can tolerate the very small ones. And if my sister or I am there, we can generally get her to consent. However, we can't always be there. She has always had trouble swallowing - since I was a kid. Pudding and applesauce help but it's still the issue of her consent.
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Shb, I saw that your mother has a little private bathroom to herself; but does this care home also have a larger communal bathroom with all the industrial-type equipment in it? The mechanised hoists, the walk-in baths, all that kind of paraphernalia?
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shb1964 May 2019
We got the master bedroom with the bathroom because she refuses to use public bathrooms. There is a better equipped bathroom in the house, but if she sees all that stuff, she'll say she doesn't need it and it's for old people. She uses the "old people" thing as manipulation. She refuses to use aids designed for older people (or debilitated in some way) yet when it suits her, she says "Well, you can't expect me to do/know that because I'm almost 90!" She's going on 85 but she's been saying that for years now.

We only realized it afterward, but the shower in her room is quite small. She's claustrophobic, but she can still use the adult "baby" wipes and a washcloth dampened in the shower. She's simply refusing. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't push her in!
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The thing about the big bathroom is that there is room for a team, and that the bath can be got ready without consulting her, and that by the time she's in there, in her bathrobe, they'll be able to pounce and swoop her along with the process.

It isn't forcing, it's more... just not asking. Here we all are, here's the bath ready, in you get, rub-a-dub-dub, out you get, Bob's your uncle. The aides can take it in their stride, taking her consent for granted. I suppose, what it comes down to is that every time you pause to ask her permission, you're prompting her to hate it and refuse. Don't pause, and although she can still refuse and must still be listened to, it's harder for her to stop a process that is already well under way.
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Reda this with interest b/c we're getting there with mother. Showering is such a chore, Brother refuses for her to have ANY outside help, and somedays, wow, does she smell.

On MD, I was visiting her and she had one of those "timed air spritzers" on her kitchen counter, every 15 minutes it shoot a noxious spritz of some awful scent into the room. In her >800 sf apartment she has 4 or 5 of these, all different scents. It's horrible and to someone who is 'smell sensitive' will bring on a migraine in minutes.

Mom could see it bothered me so she allowed me to move it, and then I smelled HER. Don't know which was worse. I tried one more effort at begging her to let me and Sis have a day at her place, minimally clean the carpet which has been peed on umpteen times. She said she was fine and thought her place would smell better now I had replaced the bathroom plant (?)

I don't think she's showering but once a week. Even though she never breaks a sweat, she's on a lot of meds that make the urine and skin just smell funky.

I hate taking her out. People do smell her and do look at her funny and I am embarrassed for her.
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My SIL had similar problems getting their father to bathe. Then she enrolled him in a day program run by the county in the county nursing facility. She had spoken with the staff and reviewed the bathing issue before his trial day. On is 1st day they told my SIL to pack him a clean set of clothes and his toiletries. As they walked him around and showed him where things were the pointed out the showering area and said “Bill this is where you take your shower when you are here, would you like to do it when you arrive or before you go home?” No question of if he wanted one, just a statement of you have one when you are here and what time was his only choice. At 1st he only went twice a week and very quickly decided that he wanted to go more often and within the year was attending 5x a week and no question of bathing ever again. Eventually we had to place him as a resident of the facility and later into the Memory Unit.

We also determined after one trip outside the facility for a family event that we would not stress him out again with all that activity. In the future my husband and his sisters and brother would visit with the 3 grandsons for his birthday and us in-laws would join them the day after Christmas for a snack and family gift exchange at the facility.  He was happy and once he got tired we could help him back to his room.
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There comes a time where a change although painful needs to take place. Your Mom may not be able to go out anymore. It is just too much for her. Her heartwrenching begging for you not to leave is fear and please know there is nothing you can do to stop it. No amount of reassurance or reasoning will make a difference. This is the most difficult stage of this condition. Forcing her to shower/change her clothes or do what makes sense will only lead to her fighting against it and could lead to many injuries. I am so very sorry for you and your family. I have watched many families navigate through this stage of this horrible disease.
Let her lead at this time, don't correct, redirect. Don't command, suggest. Don't force, ask. Live in the past, and talk about good times. Accept the fact that after doing all of this, no progress is made. Most of all show her LOVE...even when she is mean and spiteful and says rotten things to you and about you...she does these things out of fear and she can not control it. She is losing her mind and nothing feels normal....
Mand sure you do research, communicate with her doctor and if you can, join a support group. It will help with the stress.
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shb1964 May 2019
Kind words - thank you. My sister and I have been going to a terrific local caregiver support group for over 2 years, most of which Mom still lived at home. We communicate regularly with the house staff and administrators and they know showering is an issue. We're all trying to work together to figure out the best thing. She was cleaning herself more when she first got there - more than she had been at home and wow, were we happily surprised. Changing her clothes every week. Then it just stopped. We're hoping it starts up again. I guess it's a waiting game. We are very gentle in our suggestions and suggest "steps" to showering. First, take this off, then that, then the other... I've read the concept of showering/bathing sets off a flood of worry about all the tasks involved. Physically, my mom is not yet that far gone, which is why this is a mystery. It is heartbreaking to see a once fastidiously clean person devolving to this. It's totally counter to how we were raised.

I've read others here and other forum pages saying "I'm going to make sure my children don't have to deal with by telling them to do what they need to do." That's great...but we don't know where our minds will be when it's time for the kids to make those choices. We may kick, punch, fight, scream...just like people like my Mom are doing now. The mind works in dreadfully mysterious ways. She told my sister years ago, "When I get senile, just put me in a home somewhere." Well, now that time has come, and we're not just gonna dump her off somewhere (none of us here advocate that, I'm sure), but she doesn't remember herself giving us permission!
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I learned while having my mom, who had Alzheimer’s, live with us for 8 yrs, that they are afraid of water, one reason being they can’t see it. I also learned it has to be their idea to shower. I assisted my my in showering by telling her it was “spa day.” In shower day, she showered, then I would put lotion on her upper body and massage her upper back. She wore a wig, so once a week I would wash it but during “spa day” I would blow dry her short easy care hair. She never resisted once I acted like she was going to the spa. They need to feel safe and secure.
you should also talk to the management of the home and find out why they are failing at bathing her. They should have “trained staff” that know all the tricks to get this done.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
You are a patient and loving daughter. I like calling it a spa day.
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I empathize and sympathize with your challenges....have gone through the same issues with my Mom!
Regarding the bathing, I agree that the approach from the staff is more than half the battle. My Mom is in total care now. But I recognize the same frustrations prior to her being incapacitated.
I used to give options to Mom, but options I Controlled that would result in the desirable outcome. For example "Mom, would you like a bath now or after your breakfast?" I let her make the choice of time, then proceed with the choice made. If she resisted, I gently reminded her "You chose ______, so that is what we are doing today". We had to eventually resort completely to bed baths. But the approach can, again, be half the battle. I found that giving Mom a warm wash cloth to wipe her face and hands herself kept her occupied while the caregivers worked on washing the "difficult spots"! They now use this tactic, providing a warm washcloth and towel for her to wipe her face and hands herself, and good smelling lotion for her to rub into her hands.
With regards to medications, Mom has trouble swallowing pills, too. But the nurses crush them, and offer them in applesauce or chocolate pudding. They always say "we have something that will help you" or "we have your medicine for you to take". When the spoon of applesauce appears, Mom forgets "medicine" and takes it. There is no deception.....and it accomplishes the goal of getting her to voluntarily swallow what you know will truly help her.
Lastly, as a family, we had to give up taking Mom out for events. It was too stressful, and the reintroduction to her Memory Care facility became too upsetting for her AND for us. Instead, we found quite corners in the facility to meet for a special dessert or visit. Sometimes we arrange for a few family members to be waiting in the courtyard when we go for a walk....it is always such an unexpected surprise...then we spend time outside together, take a few photos, then print them up to share as new family celebrations.
What I truly discovered was that going to all the trouble to take her out, encounter all the stress it put on her, etc....was self-inflicted on me and unfair to her. She simply enjoys quality time with Us....family and friends....and she also enjoys introducing or showing others in her facility "her family", "her daughter", etc.....kind of a "show and tell" for her to integrate into her new community.
As your Mom progresses with her disease, she will forget and the resistance she puts up to seemingly everything you are trying to do to care for her will lessen, and eventually go away. I have to believe that those suffering with the challenges of dementia taking control of their minds are fighting with all of their strength to retain some control over their life. They try to make some sense of the world they are loosing touch with and are inadvertently hurting the ones trying to help them them most.
I am caregiver to my almost 93yo Dad in his home, plus managing Mom in her Nursing home, a registered nurse (but can not work due to caregiving), a Mom, an only daughter (so no siblings to help me). Thank you for sharing your frustrations.....it is good to know we are not alone in this journey, and hopefully can support each other in some meaningful way!
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Beatty May 2019
I hope you rell yourself how amazing you are everyday.. if not, you should be :)

Thanks for sharing your experience with us.
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Yes very very difficult. What about scents -does she like them? Wondering if a washcloth of either all liquid scented soap or water and soap would be allowed by her. Then tell her you have to follow up with a wet washcloth so it isn't as sticky. Tell her it is perfume or here is a pretty smell i thought you would like to wear.
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She sounds like my husband’s deceased grandma. I would take her shopping and she really needed a cane or walker. Nope, that’s for old people! She held onto my arm. She wouldn’t buy sensible shoes, nope! Those are old lady shoes. She was an old lady, not a spring chicken! 😂 hahaha
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Sometimes a UTI causes confusion and cloudiness, check to see if your mom might have an infection, that would be my first step. My sister, me, and my brother would give our mom a shower we would put on an old tshirt or shorts on ourselves because water will be everywhere. We use to put a space heater in the bathroom to get the bathroom super warm. We would help our mom go to the bathroom with grab bars and then say to her, let's take a shower since we are already are in here in bathroom and her pants are off already because we are changing pads, underwear, etc., then my sister and me or my brother would start the spray nozzle with warm water and tell my mom to check temperature to see if she wanted it warmer, sometimes she would say it's to hot, or it's to cold but she would decide. I would stand in shower with my gripper shoes on and help mom in shower my sister would be laying towels on the chair, the toilet the grab bars my brother would have one foot in shower and hold mom up from slipping or falling, yes we had anti grip on shower floor, yes we had gripper slippons in our feet and moms feet, but we could not risk mom falling and breaking a bone or head injury. Water is slippery and anyone can slip, mom weighed over 150 pounds so if she falls its going to be painful for her and us, so when someone has dementia, they are scared of water (for my mom) they are scared of falling (big big fear for my mom) they are naked and vulnerable ( mom could not reach her body parts that needed to be cleaned) and it took all if us to gently but fast get her in shower wash her hair, back, backside, front side, rinse, put a moisturizer on her something that can be rubbed on her back and body in the shower that soaks into the skin, makes her skin soft. We used a hand held shower nozzle so she never had to try and turn in shower and we had a shower chair in shower in case mom decided to sit down which she decided to do at times, very scary the first time it happened, but we keep mom from falling and we learned how quick someone can get hurt in a shower if their isn't anyone inside the shower with them, actually supporting them up from falling. They have dementia they have confusion, they can ask to get their hair washed one second and decide to sit down the next. It is a all hands on deck mission to give someone a good wash shower with dementia, man or woman. The first couple of times we went through this it was a dozen towels, washcloths, water everywhere, but mom felt like a happy camper after she was clean and warm with towels and a warm robe wrapped around her, my brother would heat robe up in dryer and pull it out at last second and put on mom. Yes, it's a 3 person job, and it's a quick fast decision after mom was finished on toilet, we would go for it, since she had half her clothes off already, we would do this. Mom was urinary incontinent, and we showered mom every other day, and helped wipe her down on days she didn't shower. You have to have a caring team to do this. Some caregivers can power through it, but it isn't gentle, and kind in my book, it takes a ton of patience, and then another dollop of patience on top of that🤗 My mom has passed and I still think about how much more we could have cared for her. Clean hygiene is important and more so if you had diabetes, which my mom did and we had to check her body to make sure she didn't have any cuts or tears on her skin, it's work but I am grateful I was able to help my mom, just like you, you are helping your mom❤ it may not look like it from someone on the outside looking in but you are doing your best. Take care of yourself too. I send you live and light. God bless your mom, you and your sister❤❤
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shb1964 May 2019
Whoa! That's a mammoth effort. She was very lucky to have all of you chipping in like that. Go easy on yourself with wondering what more you could have done. Sounds like you did a heck of a lot.

The staff is trying to find creative ways to check for a UTI. When staff comes into her room, she usually screams at them to get out. An ARNP visits the house once a month and my sister (who has a more lenient work schedule than I do) tries to be there. Sometimes she cooperates, sometimes she doesn't. But I have no doubt with the next visit, the ARNP will notice what to me smells like infection and do what she can to do something about it. Heck, she may even prescribe something without doing the dipstick. I'd be on board with that.

I just want to go on record here (as I've done with my brother and sister) that if/when I get like this, roll my wheelchair out to the railroad track and wait! (kind of kidding, but not really!) At that point, my organs and whatnot will be more useful donated to others or to science.

Luckily, Mom has no issues like diabetes to contend with. Small blessing. I truly don't know how people deal with this alone and still try to have any kind of life. And as we Boomers get to that age, well, I can't help but see a bleak future.
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I admit I haven't read all the posts. I have an appointment, and I don't have the time. I did read the initial article. It practically describes my 99-year-old Mother. She does shower on her own every few days, but often has to be reminded. She is cooperative about it, but I know she's not doing a "good job" as the smell is often still there when she is done and her towel is soiled, if you know what I mean.

Instead of relying on her incomplete cleaning, I often ask her to use, and help her to use, a product we got the last time she was in the hospital. It is wonderful. It's a "perineal cleanser," Aloe-Vesta Cleansing Foam. It can be used for body wash and shampoo. You simply spray an odorous area with the foam and remove it with a clean cloth. I dampen it. Very effective.

I haven't ordered it yet, but intend to do so. I hope they sell to individuals. If not, perhaps we can create a group!

It is made by ConvaTec, Inc, Greensboro, North Carolina: 1-800-422-8811 (on bottle)

"ConvaTec develops and manufactures therapies for the management of chronic conditions, with a focus on advanced wound care, ostomy care, continence and critical care and infusion devices. The Triad site is the company's Global Quality Headquarters."

The Triad site is the company's Global Quality Headquarters. www.convatec.com. 7815 National Service Road, Suite 600. Greensboro, NC 27409. Phone. (336) 855-5500 (at web site)

https://directory.ncbiotech.org/content/convatec-inc

Good luck, Judy.
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Isthisrealyreal May 2019
Judy, you can buy this product at medical supply stores and I have seen it on Amazon. It is a great product.
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Great response so far! In my limited experience, senior with dementia or Alzheimer's suffers from the fear of water (aquaphobia).
As dementia progresses, seniors begin to experience the external world differently. The cognitive models related to sensory input begin to break down, and external stimuli can feel overwhelming. Many seniors become anxious when exposed to loud noises, flashing lights, or excessive visual clutter. For seniors vulnerable to overstimulation, water isn’t that different. These seniors are usually especially sensitive to showers, as any time spent beneath the stream of water can feel confusing and painful. While showers are a relaxing experience for many, to seniors with dementia, the water may feel like cascades of tiny needles. To counteract this fear, have your loved one take baths instead of showers. It’s also a good idea to go slow. Instead of making your loved one get into the bathtub all at once, allow him or her to sit beside the tub for a few minutes to acclimate. Gently clean your loved one’s hands, arms, or feet with a warm washcloth so he or she gets used to the feeling of water. If your loved one remains calm, have him or her step into the bath. In my book, the caregiver/s taking care of your mom have limited hands on experience, or like you eluded to, maybe one caregiver tried getting your loved-one to shower, and that my friend is a no no.
Professional caregivers with training and experience in caring for seniors with dementia are often able to employ several different techniques that calm anxiety. Hopefully this helps.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
This posts makes me feel awful for ALZ patients but also makes me so grateful that my mom doesn’t show any signs of dementia.
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I cannot imagine the anguish and terror a person goes through when she realizes she has dementia and it's only going to get worse. You know you are going to lose control of every aspect of your life and you will never recover. So I don't think it wrong to give these poor souls drugs to calm them and reduce their fear and anxiety? Maybe even a lot of drugs. Personally I am terrified of the thought that I might develop dementia some day, and if I do, I hope people do drug me into a stupor. It's not as if I'm going to have some great quality of life if I am more aware of what is happening to me.

This is why, if it were me, I would find a way to slip some meds into this poor woman's food if that is the only way to get her to take medicine. If it calms her down and reduces her anger and anxiety, and makes it so people can help her (get her clean), then I don't see the harm in it.
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shb1964 May 2019
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I have no problem slipping meds to her either. But legally, the staff at the memory care unit are prohibited from doing it without her consent, which she won't give. It's the law in this state. My sister and I are tacitly giving permission to the staff to do it, but we do recognize if they are not comfortable with it, we're not going to force the issue because they could be fired. We have assured them we will not report them, and they know that Mom is slightly more compliant when the meds are on board. But when the govt and the law get in the way, well, that's when things go off the rails. It does help them to say to her "Your daughters said it was okay to take."

I'm looking forward to the doped-up stupor personally. For me, not her! ;o)
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As the skin is the largest organ on the body, it should be kept clean, else infection sets in. This is so difficult for you. I wonder if somehow you could sedate her so that someone - somehow - some way she could get cleaned up.
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shb1964 May 2019
She's not in a medical facility; this is a private home that is licensed, regulated, etc., by the state. There are no physicians on staff to dispense meds PRN. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with that anyway. If I could have my way, I'd want her to want to be clean. She always used to be. She washes her face and hands, but that's the extent of it. Maybe if she gets to the point she can't stand her own funk, she'll do something about it!
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Is there a tub at the facility? My Mom sometimes hated taking showers because she absolutely hated being cold. I usually brought donuts in for the staff as a thank you on shower day since they had to deal with her. One resourceful CNA got permission from the RN to give mom a tub bath instead. It was a large whirlpool type thing and Mom sang and laughed all through it! Everyone was amazed when they heard Mom singing in the shower room instead of yelling. You might investigate that option at her facility.
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NeedHelpWithMom May 2019
rocket,

You are so thoughtful and I am sure the NH staff appreciate it. Glad your mom is singing now. Great story! Thanks for sharing.
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Rocket,

Just throwing this out there. Who knows where any of us will end up in life? I myself have always loved baths over showers. Should we write down somewhere all of the things that we love in case there are options for us wherever we are? I remember when touring a facility for mom the nurse showed me a large whirlpool tub that she said some residents enjoyed relaxing in.
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