We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

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We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

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My brother and I moved our 78 year old mentally ill mother closer to me. She is an extreme hoarder and even worse housekeeper. We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. There is no storage!! Her house was toxic and there were very few things worth saving. We saved pictures and family items, but she keeps asking for things in storage and I don't know what to do? My brother is back in CA now and I am all alone in this. I never wanted to lie to her about the storage but I also knew that it was the only way we could get her out of the apartment to help her. There were mice feces, bugs, dirt everywhere. Any suggestions would be helpful, because if and when she finds out, there is going to be hell to pay I am sure.

Hoarding Mental Health Mom Moving

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Maybe a little white lie. There was a fire or theft or miscommunication at the storage facility and her stuff is gone? Just a thought so she won't be upset at you for throwing it away.

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OMG - This was my 1st thought also! Not so sure it's the right one but it's what flash through my head.

Is it always the same thing she is looking for? Does she forget and then ask for something else another time? Maybe hold her off with "I cant get there this week" or "I tried to find it the other day but must have looked in the wrong box, I'll look again when I have more time" or "Oh brother borrowed that, I'll ask him to bring it back the next time he visits"

Is it something small you can find a replacement for and bring her? Even if its not an exact match she may just think she forgot the details.

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If she has dementia she will forget about her stuff. Moved my brothers father and step mother out of their home into AL, hoarders, a real mess.

For the first week she asked about things, after that she couldn't even remember what was in the house.

Hoarding is a mental disorder. Me, I like the truth, I would just tell her, if she gets angry, so be it, she will get over it. Anyway, she will just start collecting more junk, it is part of the disease.

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She needs mental help for this. Can you get her to a Dr? Is she in a facility now or in her own apartment? She will accumulate junk again if she can drive, if not she will still let garbage pile up. When your mom finds out her stuff is gone, if she fusses at you, leave at that point. If you’re on the phone, hang up. Do this every time she wants to argue about it.

My mom was a hoarder (it wasn’t nasty at that point, just piles of junk, furniture, & clothes she’d never be able to use) when she lost the use of a leg & could no longer walk or drive. Now, she is in a nursing home, with dementia, and 9 months later she still asks about her stuff & fusses at me for getting rid of it! We just tell her she couldn’t bring it with her so we gave it to people who really needed it & sold what we could. My husband’s aunt is also a hoarder, has spent thousands of dollars for someone to clean her house, and then she starts all over again. Very, very sad.

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My dad wasn't a hoarder but did have things that meant a lot to him that we couldn't possibly move to his AL apt. I just tell him that they are in a closet at my house. He responds that he'd like to see them sometime. I respond "sure." Next time the discussion starts from go because he doesn't remember the earlier conversation.

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There are any number of therapeutic lies, one being that the storage unit was condemned because of pests and was given over for demolision, nothing savable, and you are sorry. Or the truth. We lied. It is all gone; nothing could be saved due to condition and rodent feces and so on. And we are very sorry. Not everything in life can be fixed. I am so sorry. I think either way you are going it is an attempt to save her pain, but the truth is a hoarder separated from the hoard is going to be in pain.

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If your mother is asking for something she needs, replace it. Have her write a list of the things she thinks she needs.
The therapeutic fib could look like this:

You can go so far as to bring her small storage boxes (fake, you prepare them) from "storage".

These made up boxes can include:
A mix of family items and saved pictures that you did keep.
Clean laundry that you have taken home to wash.
Anything "new" that you have purchased for her needs.
Snacks and cookies to distract her.
A new toothbrush, hairbrush.
Get creative.

If she says "I don't remember this", just say you added that to the box because you thought she would like it.

Leave the box for her to go through. Then take the box home, refill it
for next time she asks. When you take the box home, be sure it has some things she won't miss so you can recycle it back to her in the next box you bring from "storage". Think of it as a CARE PACKAGE.

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I'm with SendMe on this.   Those items, even though they may have been damaged, soiled, unusable, are still IN HER MIND her prized possessions, and valuable.

In her stage of life and particular situation, she may need this comfort and link to her past.   I wouldn't want to break that link with the reality that the items have been destroyed.

Since my father died and my closest family are now gone, I find myself drifting back not only to what we did together, but presents we gave each other, which sometimes mean more in the long run than they did at time of gifting.

Sometimes I'll see something my parents or sister bought me for a birthday or holiday, and it evokes very strong memories.   At this time in my life while I'm acclimating to being totally alone, I need those mental ties.

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Hoarding seems complicated to me. I don’t understand it. Is it holding onto memories or is it a control thing?

The bottom line is you did what you had to and certainly have no reason to feel guilty. I am sure you don’t regret pitching out trash that couldn’t be saved.

It sounds like your concern may be about the backlash from upsetting your mom. I agree with just substituting items that she asks about. Or even as Alva suggested too, just tell her that those items were ruined with rodent feces.

I understand the people from the depression era saving things but what I don’t understand is a person saving something that is ruined. That is truly puzzling to me.

Not everyone who is a hoarder has dementia but does dementia make it worse? Just curious.

Best of luck to you.

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My husband is hoarder. For many years I didn't realize what was going on, all the while throwing away his banana peels, gathering up old newspapers, etc. Now that he's at home most of the time, I've had to face the fact, he does not want to throw out a banana peel!! He won't throw away the paper from a drinking straw, etc etc. I don't know why. I know it's making me crazy. He did not grow up in clutter or squalor, but he creates it in our home.

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One suggestion: Get her to write a list of all the things she wants to see. Perhaps put stars on the things that are most important. That should keep her busy for a while. Then go down the list and say that some things on it went back with your brother to California. Perhaps you can ask him to bring them back when he comes (in the distant future, or you keep forgetting to ask him). If there is something little and reasonably cheap, tell her that you’ve looked and looked and can’t find it. Would she like you to get her a replacement? Tell her how much it would cost, and can she afford it? When you might have the time to arrange to get it?

With luck you can break a simple question about wanting her ‘stuff’ into very detailed, complex and forgettable discussions that side track the big question.

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If bringing her new things that she's missing doesn't work, I'd tell her the storage facility burned down to the ground. Everybody who was renting a unit lost EVERYTHING in the fire as nothing at all could be salvaged.

What are you gonna do here? Nothing.

All the best.

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BKB5150 where is your Mom now? How did you even get her out of the house that she was hoarding? My mom is still in her house and she screams if I throw away a lousy business card!!! She keeps telling me she is going to sell the house because she said if she dies she knows that I would just throw everything out. There is NO WAY I could throw anything out in her house if she were still alive and moved into an assisted living or a nursing home. I would have to tell her that the crap is still in the house. If I were in your shoes I would have to tell my mother I wasn't bringing anything to her from the hoarding house but I certainly couldn't tell her that i threw it out. I would have to tell her that it is all in storage and that I wasn't bringing anything to her. If I told my mother I threw everything out or that the storage building burned down she would never forgive me. She would never speak to me. But that is my Mother who is an extreme hoarder. She is irrational. That is why my mother is still in that hoarding house of hers. Best of luck to you. It is a horrible position to be in. I know. I'm living it.

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Isn't it amazing how all of THEIR stuff becomes OUR problem??? My husband's ex wife is an extreme hoarder of stuff AND animals. The brick and mortar house has to be burned down, literally, because of the horrendous condition it's in from 40 years of hoarding. You can't even get inside of it it's so bad. She now lives in a hoarded trailer on the property with 15 dogs!
Her children lost all of their childhood mementos thanks to her, and now face what you're facing with your mother. Hoarding hurts a lot of people, I know. So sorry for what you're going thru, Elaine. Sending You a hug

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I can speak from personal experience on this subject. I had to keep a lot of our things in boxes all through our 46 yr. marriage cause we moved so often when our kids were growing up. I never had a China cabinet like most other women had to put their good dishes, etc. in so many of our wedding gifts and keepsakes that I hoped to show our grandkids were in the boxes. Anyone else would have gone through them sooner, but with my being in so much pain all the time prevented me to do so. People that don’t live with constant pain have no idea and my family fits that bill to a T! My husband has been threatening to get a dumpster and throw all of the boxes away for at least a couple of years and with him and our son I knew that if I started going through them, they wouldn’t allow me to keep anything anyways. So last month my husband and I went on a 2 week driving vacation to see relatives which was to be for a relaxing time away - little did I know that he had directed our 3 kids to get rid of everything! My sister drove by our house while we were gone and there was that big dumpster. My husband has a car collection that he has had for a few years in a cabinet that is safe and sound, but my stuff had to go. I will never be able to share any mementos or physical memories with our grandkids; I also sold Avon for over 9 yrs. and had earned their Presidents Club dolls like Royal Doltons that I always left in the boxes until one day I could display them in a cabinet like his cars - they even gave them away UNBELIEVABLE that my loved ones hurt me like this! And there were no mouse turds around them either. This is a part of us, not just things!

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I’m so sorry. Those things had meaning to you and it is sad that your husband deceived you with the help of your kids.

I don’t have grandchildren so I can’t speak directly to that issue but I did have a lovely grandmother that I adored. She had a very small shotgun house in New Orleans. She didn’t have room for a lot of things.

She did have a few porcelain birds that she loved. I don’t think they were terribly expensive or anything but she loved birds. I guess I was about 5 or so, I tried to pick up one of the little birds up to hold and grandma quickly told me to look with my eyes and not my hands. I knew she meant business! She never laid a hand on me. She just gave me that ‘look.’ That’s all it took.

Your grandchildren will love you for you, not what you have. They will visualize those items in their imagination and love you just the same as if you showed it to them. Of course it isn’t the same to you and I wish that your husband would have handled it differently. Again, I am sorry and I thank you for explaining this. It helps me to understand the meaning behind what others consider to be clutter.

Do you at least have photos of the objects that you cherished the most?

Your situation doesn’t sound like a hoarding issue but rather sentimental memories.

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I helped give end-of-life care to a hoarder. I understand why you did what you did. I think your best answer will come from a therapist who specializes in hoarding and see what advice s/he will give. Please call to consult with one before doing anything. Your mom will continue to hoard and advice from a professional, even if your mom refuses to work with one, will help you a lot in this situation. Blessings!

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Geaton,

Can’t hoarders be cured? Is it an addiction to objects? I’m going to have to research this topic.

I get sentimental attachment to a loved object but I don’t understand why a person would keep soiled trash around. Or just junk. I couldn’t understand why my deceased brother didn’t throw away old junk mail. I throw junk mail out as soon as I get it.

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Lealonnie,

You never fail to make me giggle. I love your wicked sense of humor!

Yes wouldn’t a relaxing fishing or golfing trip do the trick? Hahaha

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Thanks NHWM......boy, these guys get me so riled up with the things they do. What makes HIS stuff so great and her stuff garbage? She should tell him she looked all those Royal Doultons up on eBay and they were worth THOUSANDS!!!! Could you imagine his face at hearing THAT? 🤣

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Your profile explains that your mother has Alzheimer's Disease / dementia and depression; but also that she is in Independent Living. Hoarding and inability to maintain her own housekeeping routine (doesn't have to be good, just normal for her) are also signs of mental ill health or decline.

But how ill is she? - because how you manage the next steps depends a lot on what she is able to comprehend about her situation then, now and going forward; and on how justified you and your brother were in disposing of her possessions permanently.

For right now: ask her to write down a list of the things she wants from "storage" as they cross her mind. What sort of item would appear on the list? Are you sure the things she wants did exist? What can you remember about the condition of any of them, were they damaged by vermin, perished, soiled, infested, otherwise beyond saving?

You had better also talk to your brother and discuss what you are both going to say if the truth emerges. If your mother is still high-functioning mentally, I hate to say it but it's going to. It may be that he will have to return on a visit to face the music with you.

Where are the items you did salvage from her home? Was the home you and your brother cleared the same Independent Living apartment that she is now back living in again?

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Tell her your brother has the keys to the storage building..... you don't know anything about it (not really but, maybe). Long term care facilities have to deal with this every day except we change shifts and have days off. If she's a true hoarder she'll have the new place packed in no time. Tell her like it is then get the heck out of there.

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Yeah, she's going to repeat this hoarding behavior in her new place. Sounds like a professional psychologist should be consulted.

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When I moved my Mom into AL, (she has Alzheimer’s).
anyway, I had to fib a little here and there as she had way too many things that were just too dusty and gross to keep. (I had to tell her that she was the one who gave a few things away so others that need could have, like shoes she will never wear again). It’s the mental state causing the hoarding.
Luckily my Mom forgets stuff anyway so doesn’t even realize it’s gone...!
i tried to just save all that I knew had sentimental value for her, and she has those things nearby. The rest went to goodwill or the garbage.

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Not “lying” or “fibbing”. Using language based tools to develop a comfortable living environment for a damaged mom who needs to be carefully and honestly protected from her own impulses.

”If and when” she finds out, she will be processing THAT information in a damaged and distorted way, and if she yells, (pouts, cries, threatens, etc.) you will respond blandly and noncommittally, as you will from now on moving forward.

She is who she is, and you took on the overwhelming task of fixing her circumstances to be clean and safe. She did not, and WILL NOT, want “clean and safe”, she will want whatever her damaged brain tells her she wants, as you know she will.

You will both have a new “right” and a new “truth” and yours will be based on reality and compassion and healthy restorative distance for yourself, whenever possible. Hers will not.

Remember- “Safe and clean” and as peaceful as you can manage.

You’re doing the right thing.

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Excellent answer

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I had the same problem working for my Aunt decades ago. She got really mad, and was not able to resolve it. I know that is not helpful, but that is what happened. She gone now, may God bless her soul.

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Tell her white lies that the lock on the storage door got all rusty and the owner of the storage unit is out of town on vacation and won't be back for two more weeks..
Next time say that a lot of stolen jewelry was found in some of the storage unit and the police won't let anyone take anything out until the detectives search all of the units for additional stolen goods. Next time after that say ok, I will get it for you...Then go buy some inexpensive item that might be similar to what she wants and say that somehow the item got misplaced and you cannot find it so you bought a similar item...Next time say her son is coming back in the fairly near future and he will take a look. You may want to frequently start bringing items from the dollar store that might occupy her mind. You could bring it to a halt down the road by telling her there was a big fire and the contents were all burned up.
Grace + Peace,
Bob

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Thank you for your ideas. I really appreciate it!!

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Im having a similar problem with my clients. She is at the beginning stage of memory problems due to brain cancer that she had When she was young. I'm not as patient as some, but found that her family grew up during the great depression so she saves paper goods and every butter container sauces from restaurants ECT. I try to keep a cpl things for her but remind her often that knapkins are cheap and that she has very nice Tupperware that she doesn't use. About 1 time a year I get her to go through clothes and donate items she no longer fits into. Its rough I do get angry sometimes. I tell her I love her and care about her health and well being. It seems to help

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Just say that you will go tomorrow to the storage and look for it. Maybe she will forget about it, or you could say you could not find it,

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I had the exact same thoughts.

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OldBob had some great ideas. LOL The point is to redirect the conversation every single time. You can basically tell her anything... but the truth. Hoarding is an illness by itself and with everything she has going on there is no point in tapping into that problem.

Good Luck.

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I have an uncomfortable feeling that this mother's dementia has not yet advanced to the point where therapeutic fibbing is going to hold out as a strategy. BKB?

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I am in agreement with Countrymouse. As she is still able to ask for the "missing" items, that is very telling of her mind - still lucid, praise God.

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I am a caregiver for a long time friend and neighbor, I have also worked for many years at his many businesses, he has two kids who recently were gifted his ranch with his large home where he kept many records (family history & photos). He left everything at this house thinking they would cherish all the history records as he did. They did not ask him what he wanted before they threw it all out and burned it. Now he is asking for it and they are lying to him about it being in storage and when he asks for it to be brought to him they say they forgot it. (this has been going on for several months). I recently found out from a ranch employee what happened to his things (they were put in a hole and burned). I feel his kids should tell him the truth he knows something is wrong but doesn't know it no longer exists. He wants me to go out to the ranch and get his things in storage, I said he needs to have his kids bring it to him. Ranch is three hours away from where we live. He is 86 years old and does have memory loss but not severe dementia yet. I feel people should tell the truth, telling someone a outright lie is not healthy, it causes more mental problems!

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Often care providers / family members need to do what fits with a person's brain (chemistry) as it changes. When I hear "the shoulds," I am alerted. Everyone and every situation is different and I do believe that family members do the best they can in most circumstances, considering the stress and new situations (due to dementia) they find themselves in. It is important if a person wants to be heard here to give "I messages," i.e., I believe this is the right way to proceed, I would . . . vs the 'you should've, could've. After the fact, these 'shoulds' do not matter besides possibly bringing up guilt, more stress, and frustration - when a person (family) is doing the best they know how in any given moment.

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You had to do what you had to do as far as getting rid of her toxic stuff. If she figures it out, she's going to be angry, if you stall and lie, she's going to be angry. Regardless, remind yourself you did what you had to do. You were brave to do it. God bless you.

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Hoarders gonna hoard. If she's asking about her things, she's already wanting her hoarded state of living back. As others said already, she will be mad if/when she figures it out. That isn't going to be fun for anyone. But the main issue is preventing her from amassing another hoard.

Does she have access to her own money or transportation? Does she do online shopping? It's about 100% probability that she'll hoard again if she's able.

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You did what needed to be done. Perhaps she needs more activities to occupy her time so that she has less time to ruminate about her stuff. When she does ask for things, redirect her toward the "pictures and family items" that you salvaged.

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Exactly!

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I continue living with my mom and she is still a hoarder even after we were able to sell her old condo. We had to rent a 3 ton dumpster and had her vacate while we went through so much stress and crap.
She was always blaming my daughter for stealing items from that apt. Then after we went through everything, her jewelry was found,
although she was so angry with us all for throwing crap out.
I live with her in a rental apt now and she still has warehouses full of stuff.
1450.00 a month in warehouses and the only way she can continue paying them is pawning her gold jewelry.
Plus at 90 yrs old she relocated her art gallery and the rent is 2150.00.
I suggested for her to put an add in the paper to sell the artwork but she refuses to.
Long story short.............................let them get angry, or wait until their funds are gone and the warehouses put locks on them.
You were so smart getting rid of those warehouses.
Many yrs ago I asked my shrink if he could help with her seeing him, his reply was, she is never going to change.
Good luck and God Bless those who are dealing with this.

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We threw a ton of stuff away, but she thinks it is in storage. What do I do?

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