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How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
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Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
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Cajohnston, One thing I have learned is no matter what, never lose your sense of humor! Mom asks me CONSTANTLY when I am doing any project, whether it's hardcore digging and planting in the garden, (which is hard work) I even end up paying for it with back pain, blisters, etc. When I am trying to do chores in the most efficiant way possible and she is the type that will pick up leaves one at a time with a pair of BBQ tongs, wonders why I always turn her down for assistance. I would go nuts just watching this! I feel awful for a couple reasons. 1, we used to work together all the time and we made a pretty good team, both worked efficiently and got a lot accomplished, now.......not so much. 2) She has a lymphatic leg from a prior cancer surgery which I work very hard at maintaining it and she cannot do the things I do anymore, she shouldn't even try. It will make her leg worse and it is a serious and delicate condition. I feel bad because I know she wants to feel useful and help me out but I have to constantly refuse her help. Yes, it is brutal watching the parent that taught you everything become a helpless child right before your eyes. What I do is make sure she does all the regular things she can do still by herself. I want her to use her mind as much as possible and to think things through as long as she can so I do back off on the stuff she still is capable of doing for herself. Making simple meals, keeping her place tidy, playing in her garden by deadheading flowers and sweeping up, I do all the heavy stuff. It seems to be working well because I know if I coddled her, she would let me and her mind would go to mush a lot faster. I want her to feel independent and keep her dignity as long as possible and just keep a close eye on her. Occasionally, I will catch her going out in the garden with a paring knife instead of pruners, ( yikes! ) not wearing her gloves and sun hat, remember we are fair skinned Irish, I found melanoma on her arm and had it biopsied right away, caught it quick so it never got a foothold but, little stuff like that, checking up on her, making sure she stays hydrated, etc. You are far from alone in your situation and how you feel. Come here to vent your frustrations, tell us your stories, we are here for you and truly understand. It will help you from feeling so isolated or feeling guilty 😉⛪️🙏🏻, we do the best we can! I find gardening really helps me lose myself in nature and it's very satisfying. I have also met wonderful people here that have become very special to me. You know who you are! 😉
You are not whiny... Caregiving is tough. Try to see if you can find some help... Even a short break will help. Do your grandkids live close? Have them come over to your house. Plan fun activities you can do at the house. Have lunch together. That helps me.
All of your answers made me feel so much better. I was actually laughing about the laundry and her asking if you need help. That's my mom....she is always right behind me and I am practically stepping on her feet but she will ask me if she can help with dinner....sure mom although you don't remember where the pots and pans are...! Its such a sad disease especially when it is someone you have looked up to your whole life. But I just try to keep her happy and me sane....thank you all for your support.
I know. We aren't magicians though. We can't make them the people they were. Can only help to maintain their dignity in their comprised state and their safety and some how not be offensive when we have to take the lead. Not that we want to. But have to. Walking on a high wire in a circus.
Love it Rainey. And A Glory Be. cajohnston. My mother drives me nuts. I'm in the kitchen, wiping up water the dogs spilled, trying to avoid a slip and fall for her and I see her brown shoes first because I'm on my hands and knees drying the floor. Then the rest of her. I can't bring clothes to the laundry room with out her next to me saying " I 'll do it". By throwing all of the clothes in and not separating them. She's here 24/7. I have to tell her where I'm going. When I get in my car in the garage, she follows me. She writes on newspaper the time I leave the house, where I am going and when I return. I am only sane because I get away fairly often. My 21 year old spots my husband and myself or a good friend comes and spends hours with her when we go away for a day or two. You aren't a whiner. You are human.
Cajohnston, This following you is a common thing called "shadowing." Lots of elders do this to their caregivers especially if it's family. I know it is annoying, sounds endearing unless you experience it all the time, then it is unnerving! No, you are not whiney, I believe you are perfectly normal to have these feelings. Now say 5 "Our Fathers" and 4 "Hail Mary's." 😆
Thank you both for your responses. I also grew up Catholic, school and all so I do have that guilt as you describe. What bothers me most is that my sister that does come over twice a week said to me well at least you work! We have caregivers coming everyday while I am at work and she comes two days caregivers three days and me after work and weekends. Yes, I do have a job however, that does not help with being alone or going shopping or see my grandkids, etc. I could not believe she said that, so because I work that means that that is my time? Not in my mind as I am still stressed and overloaded with no time to myself. My mom has grown so attached to me that when I get home from work she follows me from room to room and I practically run into her she is that close to me. I know I should love this but at times it is overwhelming and again comes the guilt! Letting it out here and knowing I am not alone has really helped, so thank you all for listening to me. I should change my name to winy!!
Reach out for someone to help...I was able to find someone that would come over for a minimum of 4 hours in the evening to give me time away. Try and not feel guilty about taking a little time to yourself. If you don't and it starts getting to you, it makes things worse because you will get shorter and more and more frustrated
Cajohnston, That unfortunately is normal. I know exactly what your talking about. I feel awful I need to keep her at arms distance and not get too personally involved because I start to go nuts at times. Yes, it's just me taking care of her too. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I grew up with the Irish Catholic guilt so it seems to be the default feeling and she still makes those little comments like, "I hope I am not a burden to you for too much longer" and other wonderful things that make me feel awful. *Sighs* Just keep coming here and vent to get your feeling out, there are so many people here that are in your shoes and understand your thoughts and feelings. Don't chastise yourself, as hard as that is, I am sure you are doing your best.
i have caregiver burnout right now and it makes me feel so guilty. I just want time alone. Just a day or two. I have been taking care of my mom since my husband died which will be three years november 5th. I don't want to have negative thoughts about my mom and that is what is beginning to happen which makes me feel worse. I just wish someone in my family would notice I need time and take over for a weekend or a day even. I love my mom but I am beginning to think I am a horrible person for the things that go through my head...
For me, personally, I have to keep busy and involved. That takes on a new look. I read and learn as much as I can about my mom's condition and what will come next. I offer to fix dinner for my kids on nights I know they are having crazy days, like school, then music classes... They can not have to worry about getting home late and still needing to do dinner. I also work... But my boss let me work from home almost full-time once my mom needed 24/7 care. I read...I love to read. I bake and share with others. I have the grandkids over to play. Once a month, my husband stays with mom for a couple hours and I do volunteer work. I am happiest and most productive when I am busy. ;-)
I think the best answer to that question is looking right here on this forum thread. Also down at the bottom of this page is a blue box that gives a place to go for some amazing answers. This is a question that everyone has and by looking at others peoples questions and answers is how I find great help! Just start reading. You are not alone here!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
One thing I have learned is no matter what, never lose your sense of humor! Mom asks me CONSTANTLY when I am doing any project, whether it's hardcore digging and planting in the garden, (which is hard work) I even end up paying for it with back pain, blisters, etc. When I am trying to do chores in the most efficiant way possible and she is the type that will pick up leaves one at a time with a pair of BBQ tongs, wonders why I always turn her down for assistance. I would go nuts just watching this! I feel awful for a couple reasons. 1, we used to work together all the time and we made a pretty good team, both worked efficiently and got a lot accomplished, now.......not so much. 2) She has a lymphatic leg from a prior cancer surgery which I work very hard at maintaining it and she cannot do the things I do anymore, she shouldn't even try. It will make her leg worse and it is a serious and delicate condition. I feel bad because I know she wants to feel useful and help me out but I have to constantly refuse her help. Yes, it is brutal watching the parent that taught you everything become a helpless child right before your eyes. What I do is make sure she does all the regular things she can do still by herself. I want her to use her mind as much as possible and to think things through as long as she can so I do back off on the stuff she still is capable of doing for herself. Making simple meals, keeping her place tidy, playing in her garden by deadheading flowers and sweeping up, I do all the heavy stuff. It seems to be working well because I know if I coddled her, she would let me and her mind would go to mush a lot faster. I want her to feel independent and keep her dignity as long as possible and just keep a close eye on her.
Occasionally, I will catch her going out in the garden with a paring knife instead of pruners, ( yikes! ) not wearing her gloves and sun hat, remember we are fair skinned Irish, I found melanoma on her arm and had it biopsied right away, caught it quick so it never got a foothold but, little stuff like that, checking up on her, making sure she stays hydrated, etc.
You are far from alone in your situation and how you feel. Come here to vent your frustrations, tell us your stories, we are here for you and truly understand. It will help you from feeling so isolated or feeling guilty 😉⛪️🙏🏻, we do the best we can! I find gardening really helps me lose myself in nature and it's very satisfying. I have also met wonderful people here that have become very special to me. You know who you are! 😉
This following you is a common thing called "shadowing." Lots of elders do this to their caregivers especially if it's family. I know it is annoying, sounds endearing unless you experience it all the time, then it is unnerving! No, you are not whiney, I believe you are perfectly normal to have these feelings. Now say 5 "Our Fathers" and 4 "Hail Mary's." 😆
That unfortunately is normal. I know exactly what your talking about. I feel awful I need to keep her at arms distance and not get too personally involved because I start to go nuts at times. Yes, it's just me taking care of her too. Try not to be so hard on yourself. I grew up with the Irish Catholic guilt so it seems to be the default feeling and she still makes those little comments like, "I hope I am not a burden to you for too much longer" and other wonderful things that make me feel awful. *Sighs*
Just keep coming here and vent to get your feeling out, there are so many people here that are in your shoes and understand your thoughts and feelings. Don't chastise yourself, as hard as that is, I am sure you are doing your best.