Follow
Share

I graduated from college in 2007, and as soon as I was done, my great-grandmother was told that she must have full time care. They said either a nursing home, which she begged and pleaded against, or someone to be there all the time. I am single, no children and the only one in the family able to do this. Along with my degree in Behavioral Science I understood the care she needed. She passed away in April of 2011 and almost as soon as she passed my grandmother was diagnosed with dementia along with her severe diabetes. I live with my grandparents and have since I started college. So here I am almost forced to step into a role of caregiver again, since my grandfather is very abusive toward her. Mostly verbal and emotional, but here recently he has become physically abusive. I am a man, and I tell him to stop and when he starts cussing me, I always say, "that coming from a coward who hits his sick wife" which may not be the right thing to say. I am constantly threatened that I will be kicked out or that I am worthless etc. I asked repeatedly for them to make a phone call to an agency helping with my great-grandmother to set me up as caregiver and also receive some financial pay. I have done all this caregiving for free which totally ruined my social life, which is null and void. Now I seem stuck in this rut, having to take care of grandparents and being broke and now having a huge 5 year gap on my resume since college that has no proof of me being a caregiver except for my word. I am beginning to feel as if my life is being wasted. I haven't been on a date in what seems like forever, simply because I cannot afford it and women do not want a man without a "job". I am the only single person I know, the only single at church and I am beginning to feel both lonely and depressed. If I stop taking care of my grandparents, I will not only have the entire family mad at me (I am expected to do this) but I may also end up homeless. . . I really wish I knew what to do. I wish I could atleast have a little income but no clue where to get that, and all my grandparents SS goes toward bills and meds. Can anyone help?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
My dear child you are never alone when you have the lord on your side. If God is for who could be against you! Enid,Ok
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Do check and see if there is an Adult Day care type program in your area. The one here gives you one day free to see if they like it, then can charge Medicare. It is 5 days a week here.

After you get your grandparents squared away during the day, you can do some serious job hunting. Tell the family your plans. Give them notice that once you get a job you will need them to pick up the slack. If you will need to drop Granma off at someones house while you are gone to work, let them know that too.

Once you get a job, stay long enough to get some money ahead and then let the family know you are looking for an apartment and plan to move out and resume your life.

Sometimes we have to force the issue in order to get peoples attention. You are in control of your life. If there are no single women at your church, change churches!

Make a plan and stick to it.

It may be that your grandmother would be better off in a nursing home where you could visit her every day and give her the help she needs away from her abusive husband. Other people in the family may be encouraged to visit her more often too, if she were away from grandpa.

Whatever works best for your situation, do it. Do it in stages and let everyone in the family know what you are doing so they can step up.

If they get on the internet, Email them a link to this discussion.

It is time the burden of caring for your grandparents shifted.

By the way, you most certainly can use your experience in caregiving on your resume. You are essentially single handedly running a family care home with all that entails. Don't sell yourself short. You have learned a lot over the last few years that can translate into traits employers are looking for.

It sounds like you are a loving and responsible grandson. You cant' just walk away without feeling guilty. If you inform the family of your plan and stick to it, you can leave knowing you have done the best you can.

Good luck, and God Bless.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

In case you are still checking in here and you want to read an AARP article with some tips and resouces about others like you do an internet search for this article
The Surprising Caregiver: Your Grandchild by by: Cynthia Ramnarace August 2011

and if there is not a group, maybe you can form one on the internet and meet others in the same boat.
Although they addressed youth younger than you, CNN did a story about this in May 2012 called
Help for a 'hidden population' of caregiving kids. By Danielle Berger, CNNupdated 6:11 PM EDT, Thu May 17, 2012 for these kids, There is an organization american association of caregiving youth http://www.aacy.org/

From:
The Surprising Caregiver: Your Grandchild by by: Cynthia Ramnarace August 2011

It says in part "Eight percent of all caregivers over the age of 18 are grandchildren, according to the report "Caregiving in the U.S. 2009," funded by the National Alliance for Caregiving in collaboration with AARP and the MetLife Foundation. That means 5.3 million out of the nation's 65.7 million caregivers are grandchildren who care for their grandparents"

Also, re wasting your life and "being on schedule". There are plenty of young adults and older adults out there doing a lot less productive things with their lives then you have been doing. Plenty got married early, and got divorced early.Plenty can't find jobs in their chosen fields. so Don't become obsessed with past perceived lost time b/c it will keep you from moving forward. Everyone has their own schedule but you need to keep working toward your goal.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you believe what you did for your family was important then those years were not wasted.

What are your dreams/goals for the future? Pursue them and risk failure, or continue as you are doing and live with regret. It's up to you; we elders have had our time and now it's your turn.

PS: you have a degree which is helpful, but if you think care-taking is difficult, the real world can be brutal. You make your own paradise or hell, where ever you choose to invest your energy.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm with Nancy. But until you find one of those, see if you can develop some sort of support network within the current church. Who knows? Maybe some will volunteer to help out while you re-start, reinvent, reclaim, or resurrect your life. ... And still get paid for the priceless work you're doing. I admire your strength, and resilience.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I posted 1 Timothy 5 to let you know that what you are doing is honorable and pleasing to God. So, rest assured, God will bless you for all that you are doing and he will eventually reward you more than any human ever can. God Bless You. I feel your pain.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

God will bless you for what you have done. But, you also need to live a balanced life. You need a social life, spiritual life, vocational fulfillment, and physical activity. Therefore, I would suggest, looking for a job, and then letting the family know exactly what you are able to do. You can do this by writing a letter to each of them, calling a meeting, or simply asking the local medicaid office for a caregiver and lettting them know that you cannot be there all the time. You do need to get out and be with people your own age. You also need recreation and physical activity. I would question why the church that you are in does not have any young singles in it. The church that I was in for 17 years had numerous singles. But, it was a very exciting church. Please, try to get some form of balance in your life. If the family does not understand, God will.

1 Timothy 5:3-10
New International Version (NIV)
3 Give proper recognition to those widows who are really in need. 4 But if a widow has children or grandchildren, these should learn first of all to put their religion into practice by caring for their own family and so repaying their parents and grandparents, for this is pleasing to God. 5 The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help. 6 But the widow who lives for pleasure is dead even while she lives. 7 Give the people these instructions, so that no one may be open to blame. 8 Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Joecephus-
You are in quite a difficult situation. But I definitely saw a lot of great information here that can help. The biggest part is that you're going to have to be the instigator. Your family is quite fine with you taking care of your grandparents. They don't have to do a thing, so why not keep it status quo? I'm at that point myself where because I'm single and childless I should drop my entire life and take care of my parents. Whether or not I will/should is no one's business and no one should expect anything or guilt you into anything.

1) Your grandfather may be getting dementia himself or there could be a reaction to medications that's is making him more aggressive. It would be a good idea to have him checked by his doctor to see if there's a medical reason for his behavior. If not, then that will be something you will need to discuss in the big family meeting. He can not pose a threat to your grandmother, yourself or anyone taking care of her. He needs to either be civil or get out. No one wants authorities involved but if it's between your grandmother living peacefully and your grandfather being abusive, you have no option but to involve authorities. If you don't put a stop to it now then you, or whomever is taking care of her, could be charged for not preventing elder abuse. This needs to priority number one.

2) Make a plan for yourself. You first. If you don't have a plan they will only argue that you don't have anything else to do so you should be taking care of her/them. They're going to argue that they're too busy with "real" jobs, husbands/wives, children, etc. You have to ask yourself, what do I want to do? If you were the only responsibility you have, what do you want?

3) Find a church or reconnect with old friends. Find any place or group that are around your age and have working, single people to meet. Enjoy this time of your life. It goes so quickly. Don't regret not being part of it because you did something noble. You can still have a wonderful relationship with your grandmother but you don't have to be the only one to take care of her daily needs.

4) Look at options. Get some brochures for nursing homes. But most importantly, get prices. Once your family see how expensive they are and that they may need to supplement some of it, they may understand that they all may need to play a part of her care.

5) Once you feel like you have a plan, with maybe three options, schedule a family meeting. I strongly suggest it only be you and your grandparents children. No in-laws, cousins, good friends, etc. When it comes down to it, blood relatives are the ones that are responsible and anyone else will only serve to complicate matters. If you have too many in the meeting circle then the chances of agreeing to a plan becomes next to impossible.

6) When everyone decides on who will take responsibility for your grandmother and/or grandfather then they all need to agree, in no uncertain terms, that person will be in charge of all decisions, hold power of attorney, etc. Again, when there are too many cooks in the kitchen then the soup is ruined.

I hope this helps a little. Now is the time to step up and set the family on the right track to keep your grandmother well and safe.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I just have a question... what do you do when your grandfather hits your grandmother? I'm sorry but there is no excuse for that, especially if she has dementia. He is bullying her. Maybe you need to bully him to see that it is not all right. You are your grandmother's protection right now. I know it's not easy and there are no real answers. You do the best you can until you no longer can. Prayers are coming your way. Keep us posted. :)
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

The answers above about seeking help are good. You definitely need to get started on your own life as well.
AND---this is a time to exercise some leadership with your family. You actually have a multi stepped solution in front of you. Obviously you can't just abandon you GM, yet you must move forward.
It is time to have a Family Meeting with your family members. Present them with the situation, your research findings,and ask the question: who will step up to take care of what part of GM's care?
This meeting needs to be very carefully planned. If orchestrated and delivered well, your leadership can make a big positive difference for your family and for GM.

If you would like to talk about designing that family meeting, I invite you to call me.
Good luck,
Ask Coach Karen C
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Joe,know that God sees and knows this turmoil in your life.This too shall pass,nothing lasts forever.Did you know that prayer changes things?,God is in control.Pray over your grandparents ,pray with confidence and watch how peace and calm will come in.The Lord works in mysterious ways many wonders to perform.Trust in the Lord and everything will be alright.1st Peter5v7 says to cast your cares upon the Lord for He careth for you.You are doing a great thing in the eyesight of the Lord,you're being a servant to both your grandparents and Joe,you will reap the rewards.Concernig your financial status,I'm quite sure your grandparents are eligible for home healyh care whereas a nurse aide can come in for up to 7-8hrs a day.That way you can find work.Turn it over to the Lord for He's ABLE! I pray that I was able to help you.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Bloody hell, stop being a door mat. You have been crushed....instead of appreciating you they take it out on you, likely because you are the willing horse. Tell them all in a
family meeting you have had enough!!
They share the duties and allow you back into a social life or they can step in total.
You can get a good live in job as a carer or not, you certainly have the experience but I would suggest you get a loan, get a plane, and work far away.
My dear, you are only young once and 5 years is enough to give no matter how you may feel indebted or emotionally torn. YES, YOU ARE WASTING GREAT YEARS, GO FIND YOUR LOVE OF YOUR LIFE.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Joe, don't get bogged down in the Cash and Compensation. I am in a similar situation and thought that program was a viable thing. In my state, the waiting list is (steady yourself) 18,000 long. That is to say, it ain't ever gonna happen for me.

You're a man and should be recognized, regarded, and respected as such. You worked hard and earned a college degree. You get to have a life. Your grandparents got live their lives, right? Even if they resent every decision they ever made, they still had the opportunity to live their lives as they saw fit. You have that same right.

Every now and again, I have to remind my father (for whom I'm providing a lot care) that we are navigating uncharted territories. He certainly never did the same for his father, so he doesn't understand what it feels like to push the Pause button on the Life player. I also remind him that 99% of everyone we know would simply have him put in the VA home for the aged and, outside of me, he MIGHT get a few visitors around Thanksgiving and his birthday.

But when he's reminded of what the alternative could be, he straightens right up and it lasts for a long time.

If you absolutely (ABSOLUTELY) have to, get your grandfather in the car (so that he HAS to hear you out) and explain in no uncertain terms that 1) because of you, he and his wife have things pretty good, 2) a RESPONSIBLE grandparent and parent would want, no, INSIST that his/her kin have every opportunity to pursue the very best life he can--your grandparents should want you out in the world, making a wonderful future for yourself, and finally 3) if he continues to be a pain in the a$$, one morning they'll wake up and notice you've simply gathered your things and moved on to live the life you deserve--explain that you're all smart people and only stupid people fight and get negative.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Joe, I would add one more thing, find a church that DOES have a lot of college & career age people in it. Those churches are out there believe me, find one.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Joe, first you sound a like a wonderfully nice guy to have taken any of this on being so young. Secondly, you mentioned church, are you getting any support or maybe someone you can counsel with?
I think it is unfair for you to be "expected" to now care for your grandparents. just because you are single doesn't mean you should feel obligated. Other family members should share in the responsibility. Were you raised by your grandparents? Like several mentioned this can definitely help with your career but you should be getting some compensation. Are you appointed power of attorney at all? I would talk to Social Services and see what your options are and see if you can at least get paid for it. As for you abusive Grandfather he may be mentally enough to be in a home. You'll need to talk to SS about all that. And stay in fellowship with your church.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Dear Joecephus,
Soon after my mother passed my father needed to have a triple bypass. He was in bad shape and didn't want to be alone. Since his home is larger and his hobby is classic cars, needing a big garage, I sold my home and moved in with him. BIG mistake for me personally. My father was also abusive emotional and at times physically with my mother. I should have know better. After he recovered from his surgery and emotionally healed. He became beligerent and insulting, always in anger telling me to get out it's his house. I looked at houses and each time I did he would cry and say he didn't want me to move out. Like others, with family, I've become the main caregiver with no support or help. Guess what? They all let me do it and don't seem to feel they have any responsibility. I am divorced and retired. I have wonderful friends who invite me to functions. It's actually like a shot in the arm to be with them and just get silly and laugh. For you, so young, you need to be with UP type people. I bought a Life Line device for my father. When I'm out and he needs any kind of emergency help he just has to press a button. I always make sure he has food to eat and prepare something for him before I go out. If money is an issue then contact THE FAMILY and tell them to chip in on one plus the monthy fee. The one I bought cost $51.00 with a $15.00 monthy fee. When I told my brother about getting one all he said was "he won't use it" That's the support I got. My father has always been very controlling and will play games for attention. He will be fine poking around in the garage, polishing his cars until I tell him I'm going out. Then he will sit in his chair, head back, glasses off looking so forlorn and sad. Once I know I've done everything to make him comfortable I go and enjoy myself. It's not that I don't worry but I have to be true to myself. It's easy for others to tell you what you should do, but it's really up to us to act on it. Good Luck!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Hey Jocephus: I would suggest that the first thing you do is look into what your options are with regard to elderly care in your state. Many states have programs that can get you home health aides (which would give you a much-needed break). Not sure about where you are with regard to a nursing home, but is that an option? Is it in the immediate future? You sound like you're feeling like you have a life sentence hanging over your head. Unfortunately, until you figure out some alternates, you have to live with this. If you don't, everyone (including your grandparents) will suffer from your burning out (it sounds harsh, but its true ... try not to let that happen). I have to care for my grandmother (from a distance of about 150 miles ... so its REALLY tough). The reason I have to do it is because my father, who is her only child, threw me out of the house when i was 16 (for whatever his reasons were). Because she took me in, he wrote her off as well (go figure). So compounded with the complexities of being caregiver in my 40s, I have the added complaint gnawing at the back of my brain saying to me "why the h*ll isn't HE (her son, my father) doing any of this?" Its REALLY hard reconciling it all ... but what's important is not me, but my grandmother's comfort and ability to die with some dignity (at least from my perspective that's how it is). The important thing for you, it sounds, is that you somehow manage to carve out some time for yourself. I would suggest learning what your state offers for assistance and elderly services. Perhaps a home aide to give you some time would be the break you need ...

I'm not the best person for advice on meeting girls ... BUT if there's one thing I know is that women have a real soft spot for a guy who knows how to look beyond himself to help someone else (I know, its a generalization, but its true!).

There aren't a lot of rewards or commendations for the work you're doing. That has to come from inside you. You have to know that you're doing the best that you can in a situation that may require you to be the sole person doing the work. If you have any other family members that you feel should help, by all means, pile on the guilt. Don't take excuses of "kids" or "work" or anything else. If you have a responsibility, so do they. As a trade off, suggest that they pay off your student loans (if applicable) in exchange for their share of the work you're doing.

When it comes to getting help for the job you're doing, everything is fair. Good luck dude.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wonderful answers and advice! I could not have made it if it weren't for this site, and the people who could relate to me, and I to them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Jeanne gave excellent advice. I am going to be honest. As I read what you wrote, I wondered if you were avoiding putting yourself on the line to compete for a job. You need to take control of your own life and not leave it to chance, hoping all will turn out okay. You need to first be a caregiver to yourself.

Since you have been out of school for a while, I would suggest registering for a couple of classes at a university. This will put you back into the professional flow of things. Perhaps you might even look at working for your graduate degree. And look for work in your field to pay your tuition and bills. If you are avoiding putting yourself out there, well, just feel the fear and do it anyway. As you are taking charge of your life, you may be surprised that others step up to take responsibility. Why it should be the responsibility of a great-grandson or a grandson to be a caregiver when he is in the most critical years of his life is beyond my comprehension.

So map out a course in your chosen field and build your own life. You can still help with your grandparents, but you don't have to donate your entire life to them.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Joecephus, as others have pointed out, you have gained some valuable experience that can be applied to your career, if you ever get your career off the ground. So you are not "wasting" your life.

BUT there are certain things you should be accomplishing in your twenties, and you are behind schedule. You can do them later, of course, but you can never really get back the years you are giving up now. You need to building a social network and be looking for a potential life partner (if you are so inclined). You need to be laying a foundation for your life work. You certainly need the experience of supportng yourself, and not being dependent on family for the roof over your head. (Yes, you are more than earning it ... but you are constantly being threatened that you will be kicked out. Not good. Not healthy.)

Your entire family expects you to do this. Well, why wouldn't they? It is certainly to their advantage to have the elders so neatly crossed off their lists of things to worry about. Has the entire family gotten together and pitched in to pay you for your services? Ha! I didn't think so. You are supposed to do this in exchange for room and board? What?!! So the family will be mad if they don't have someone to conveniently relieve them of any responsibility. Tough. You can survive the family being mad.

You were "almost forced to step into a role of caregiver again." Almost. But it was your choice to make. And it still is. I think it is time to make different choices.

Grandfather is abusive. It is not surprising the abuse is escalating. It is difficult to deal with someone who has dementia. Unfortunately the dementia is only going to get worse, and I suspect the abuse will, too. How old are your grandparents? How many more decades might they reasonably be expected to be around? Are you willing to give up that many years to babysitting GF to make sure he doesn't hurt GM? Maybe a better solution is to remove GM from the source of the abuse. Maybe a nice safe, clean, comfortable, caring Memory Care unit is just what she needs to live out the rest of her life in peace. I can't know that, of course, from the little you've supplied, but I think it is an option you need to explore.

Your grandparents can't afford the care they need. They certainly are NOT going to find someone else who will do what you do in exchange for room and board. So it is time for them to apply for financial aid -- probably in the form of Medicaid and Elderly Waiver. This can be a very difficult task and you could do them the very great service of helping them get this ball rolling.

Something has to give here. It really does. You need to get a job and make some friends and start your life as an independent adult. This isn't going to happen overnight, but I suggest you set a goal and a target date. Obviously you are not going to walk out on your grandparents without other good care in place. Start working tomorrow (or tonight, via internet searches) on a plan. You have a college degree. You know how to do research. Get going!
Helpful Answer (17)
Report

I thought of one other thing - is your grandmother mobile? Could you look into volunteering at an adult day care program on the condition they take your grandmother in at no cost? Maybe even one day a week. This would get you out of the house, give your grandfather some time alone and you would be meeting people in the working world who could give you references when you are ready to start job seeking. I'm sure they must have a formal volunteer program at some of these centers.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You have a degree and I don't know if your choice of employment would have been a social worker, but don't look at what you have been doing as a waste, You helped your greatgrandmother and you applied your degree and you did get work experience, although unpaid. You can put this on your resume.

To try to get some time back to yourself to get your career and social life back on track, can you make that call to the social service agency that worked with your great great grandmother yourself to see if they can call your grandfather and offer their assistance again? Did you have a contact that visited (maybe a nurse, social worker etc) your greatgrandmother while you were caring for her who you could call and ask for help? And these nurses, social workers, doctors or anyone who observed your care of your family member could also be used as references for employment.
If you still live in the town of your college, do they have a placement service or resume writing assistance guidance service you can tell you how to translate those skills you have been using into the jargon of the employment world?
I'm sure there are young people out there like you in a very similar situation but caregiving is very isolating and it's hard to find them.

Until you can get some help, start thinking of your grandparents as your clients and don't take anything grandfather says personally. I know it is easier to say this than practice this in the moment. Use this situation to learn as much as you can so you can translate your knowledge into a job interview in a similar field or any field that uses comparable skills. If I was hiring someone, I would appreciate someone who had actual life and not just book learned experience, whether specific to the job at hand or not. And try to get away to do any job, whether paid or volunteer in your field so you can meet others and make contacts.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Joe, there is a thread here called, Medicaids 'Cash and Counseling' Allows Pay for Family Caregivers.... to the left of the page where the topics are, under it is says, 'go to discussions', click on that, and you can find the thread.... hope this helps...and you get some information to change your situation.....
You deserve compensation and some respite..... others may have more information for you.... let us know how you are..... hugs across the miles to you....
Helpful Answer (12)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter