My mother (age 75) died on October 20th, four days after my 50th birthday. I pulled away after some nasty hurtful behavior on her part regarding my getting my degree this past June. I know that while this was a happy moment for me, she might not fhave felt that way given her medical condition. That I could truly understand, but it felt like she took great pleasure in hurting me by acting like my accomplishment was nothing. On day I graduated I received no phone call, atta girl, nothing! I've been her caregiver since I was 14 up until the last 4 months of her life. I am now being accused by my sister of abandoning mom in her time of need? My mother had a live-in home attendant, a grandson who visited nearly every day and, of course, my sister who claims to have visited daily. Based on the physical condition I found my mother in, my sister was not paying close attention to was going on with my mother. On the last night of her life, the first time I'd seen her since August of this year my mother had a horrific smelling heal ulcer and necrotic tissue on her remaining leg. My goal was not to abandon my mother, I just wanted it to be about me for a change. It took me nearly 20 years to complete my degree and my sister(45) in the meantime completed her bachelors and master's degrees while I took care of ma. Why am I suddenly the bad guy? My sister is telling anyone who will listen that I deserted my mother. Did I desert my mother?
The description of your sister's care doesn't sound as if your mother was really getting the attention you need. I think your sister is trying to push the blame off on you to avoid scrutiny of her actions, or lack of appropriate actions, in caring for your mother.
I think it's also common for caregivers to second guess their actions, in retrospect, wondering if they did all they could, if they provided the right care, were available enough, etc.
I'm not sure anyone in a caregiving position can avoid this even though at the time we all did the best we could. I just think the second guessing is natural. I did that for YEARS after my sister died.
And we are all entitled to our own lives, which is often where the conflict arises. One thing I've realized is that when something important occurs in our lives, it might not be shared by our elder b/c he/she is focused on something more basic, such as pain, eating, getting around, even just getting to the bathroom, and these conditions occupy his or her full attention.
So while you're concentrating on getting your degree, your mother might have been just trying to get through a day w/o pain, or just trying to get up on her own. There's no way either of us can walk in their shoes, even if we think we can.
I would ignore your sister's attempts to upset you and focus on your new career. Don't bother to take her calls or answer e-mails if they're upsetting.
By the way, congratulations on the hard work, determination and perseverance in getting your degree!
You did what was right by her and I would also take that with me in my heart. You should find peace in that.
You might have to ignore your sister and realize that some people throw stones to distract from their own shortcomings. She must be very guilty and is trying to distract by pointing at you. I might try to get some counseling to learn to move forward. There is nothing to be gained by focusing on the past, but so much to learn from it.
I congratulate you on your hard work and accomplishments. I wish you much peace and success.