My dad is 98 and still lives alone at home, but I am there daily. He refuses any outside help so I am spending time cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, etc. (Maid services)
I do this for two reasons. He refuses to spend any money at all because “he can do it himself”. I had the house professionally cleaned 6 months ago and when I walk in every day, the garbage is not disposed of, meals are left on the table, liquids “fall” in the refrigerator and I cannot even mention the condition of the bathrooms.
I might add he does not have dementia and is of sound mind. When I do visit and perform maid services he just sits and watches tv. I try to make conversation, but it’s like he can’t be bothered. I leave sad every day and resentful that I am now just the help to him. I drew the line at showering him and hired a woman to come in once a week to shower and shave him and she only charges $20.00 . My dad says he can shower alone, but he has become very unsteady on his feet and I fear he may fall. As long as I pay for all his needs, he is perfectly fine with that. But, I ask him to please get some outside help to do the household chores and that’s a definite NO. I am retired, but my current ”job” with dad is the hardest work both emotionally and physically. Sorry, I just needed to vent because even my closest friends tell me how lucky I am to still have him and they think his cheapness is cute. I am lucky to still have him, but I want to be his daughter, not the help. Any suggestions?
My father was a slob, his wife had died the house was let to ruin, Finally convinced him to hire a house cleaner, she cleaned once, why you ask? Well because she would show up and he would not let her in, just hand her a $50 check, I monitored his checking account and I thought "Great", the house is getting cleaned.
I visit him (1200 miles away) go inside his house and almost faint, it was a pigsty. Long story short, I cleaned the house, told him that he had to move to Florida full time so that I could keep on eye on him.
He never made it, died before we could get the house in order. It took me 8 weeks and $30,000 to get the house in a salable condition.
At his age, he will not change, he is a cheapskate and that is it. I hope that he has all his papers in order Durable POA, Will and so on so that if need be you can step in.
Get a new job, back off let the chips fall where they may, sometimes we caretakers need to sit back and watch and do nothing, eventually something will happen, it always does.
Have you told him "Dad I cannot and will not be cleaning for you or paying for your showers any longer. You are an adult with resources and you need to use them to fund your care. I want to be your loving daughter, not your scullery maid."
His response should guide your judgement of his capacity for insight and your future course of action.
1) you don't pay one dime for anything that is for his care and well-being.
2) you get reimbursed from him for everything you have paid for to this point.
3) you inform him you won't be doing the daily hands-on work anymore (and you don't need to give an excuse). Make a hard date at which it will end (this is for you, not him).
4) you will gladly continue to help manage what is required but to do this you will need to be his DPoA. If you aren't already, then this is a deal-breaker.
If you are his DPoA already, I think your authority may already be able to be in play. You will need to get access to his banking so you can pay his bills and manage his affairs. Don't make this an open battle: you may need to go to the bank with him in person as banks have their own PoA protocol (even if you bring the legal paperwork that exists -- they do their own). Or, you can go online and create online banking for him so that you can set up BillPay, etc. You'll need his account numbers for this.
If you are not his DPoA and he refuses all the above, tell him it will make you very sad to be forced to call APS and report him when his living conditions endanger him. The county will move for guardianship and will then decide for him where he lives and how his affairs are managed. The guardian will control his money, not him, not you. You won't have any legal ability to change anything after that happens.
Or, you can make an appointment to visit a good facility, take him out to lunch first then "drop in" to "see someone" at the facility. You don't have to tell him that you're there for a pre-arranged tour. You can tell him you're looking for yourself (or a friend). Most people his generation have terrible memories of nursing homes (and rightfully so). He just needs to get inside to see one to maybe have his mind changed.
Then see where it goes. You need to make and keep boundaries or you will continue to burn out. I wish you much success in improving both of your lives!
Really, if you leave it all up to him, he wouldn't shower and the house would be a pig sty. So, you have choices. At 98 ur not going to change him. You may just have to go on like ur and hope something happens where Dad has no choice but to go to a AL or LTC.
If he is unsteady in the bath, get him a shower chair. There are over the tub bars and ones that suction cup to the walls.
He is of "sound mind"
He "can do it himself"
From what you are describing he is NOT of sound mind and he can NOT do it himself.
Stop propping him up and let him flounder a bit.
Contact APS inform them that there is a vulnerable senior that is refusing help. YOU can no longer take care of all his needs. He HAS to accept outside help if he wishes to remain in his house. (have you explained that to him? Did he comprehend that?)
This is on you. If you continue to do what you have been doing, and it seems to work well for your dad so why on earth would he want to PAY someone to do what you are doing for free.
Start charging dad for your services if that makes it easier for you...a little extra $$ is never a bad thing.
OR
STOP doing what you have been doing.
My aunt visited once and immediately started cleaning his apartment for him. I think she expected me to do this. My father never had the best 'aim' and I was not about to start cleaning that up. I had my own house to clean. She complained about the cleaning lady I hired. I pointed out she was NOT a cleaning lady but a person to keep him company once a week....cause he was too cheap to pay for more.
Start backing away. Do less and less. If he wants to live like that, then so be it. He has no reason to even try with you coming in.
“As long as I pay for all his needs, he is perfectly fine with that”. Of course! So don’t pay for all his needs, and see if he is ‘perfectly fine’ with the result.
“My closest friends tell me how lucky I am to still have him and they think his cheapness is cute”. You need new friends with more brains. Take one of them with you each time you go, and get them to share all the jobs. Let them see for themselves just how ‘cute’ it is.
If you are there daily, perhaps it has become such a big part of your own life, that you can’t really imagine what you would do otherwise. If what you value is really company and spending time, sit with him and watch TV yourself. Find out if “he is perfectly fine with that”. Do it for several days, then call APS. Tell them that the state of the house is the result of what he will do himself, or pay for himself. Tell them that you have given up, except for company as “his daughter, not the help”.
If he is as capable as you think he is, he may be 98 but he could still live another 5 years. Whether he is or is NOT as capable as you think he is, you need to re-arrange things both for his sake and yours. Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.
Unless you are an only child who will inherit dad's entire estate, you're spending lots of your own money you'll never see again. Dad is really a piece of work to allow such a thing too, no pride or ego there, huh? Do you have POA? Is he capable of doing all his own finances? If you have POA you can pay yourself back but I'm assuming you don't. But, if you stand to inherit everything, I'd hire a weekly cleaning crew, meal service, and caregivers to come in daily so you can get rid of all those duties in one fell swoop. If not, you have to be able to afford what you're spending and be physically capable of doing the cleaning. I understand why you're doing it, too....the man is 98 and would be living in squalor and falling down if not for you and your generosity.
I don't think there's an easy answer here, a "just" do this or that and the situation is magically remedied. If you call APS, you threaten your relationship, let's face it. What I hope is that you stand to inherit everything and can put up the funds now to have dad taken care of at home, then get reimbursed later. Or, you can tell him that you'll no longer do anything, and he'll have to move to Assisted Living. But, he'll say no and being of sound mind, thats that.
He's 98.....his days are limited. Let's hope you can find a work-around that keeps you both happy for the remainder of dad's days left. Maybe ask him if you can borrow a few thousand dollars to get medical care or some necessity you can't afford.....like a furnace! Then use that $$$ for HIS care😁. Pretty slick idea, huh?
Good luck And Godspeed to you, my friend
Your father being of silent generation seems to me thinks it is your job as woman to clean etc.
Write him a list of things that need to be done and how to get them done, but not by you. No negotiation. He pays, he is adult capable of paying, 98 old does not need saving money, but needs to live well.
You can help with cooking, preferably together to get more Dad/ daughter time.
What would happen if you didn’t show up or were sick or incapable of doing the work?
Your father would have to do something in that case.
It is time to take him in for a checkup with his doctor. He may say he doesn’t need one and is feeling fine. State that if he would like continued assistance, he needs to see a neurologist and whoever else on a monthly or quarterly basis to make sure everything is ok with him.
If he wants service, which he doesn’t want to pay for, which is most likely the case, that isn’t the real world. Then tell him that you need help to take care of him. That since he isn’t helping you to help him, that he is expected to pay for the assistance.
Your father has forgotten that nothing in life is free and that children are NOT responsible for their parents in their old age.
If you’re helping to preserve a house to inherit, that’s one thing. But just to be the grunt for a mentally sound man… why are you there? All you prove is that he can live like a pig and there’s no consequences except you show up and literally clean up his messes. Like toddlers and children, elders need natural consequences for their behavior. Constantly reinforcing negative behavior only tells the person it’s acceptable and they become the tyrant.
as far as his treatment of you, the man obviously lacks social graces. Try to put it in the context of it’s how he is, check it off and throw it away. ..his cheapness is not cute.
my mom always treated other people better… I wondered where the person was who all her caregivers said she was so sweet ( except one) I checked it off , threw it away..
he should not be living alone and don’t you dare move in , or move him with you. Whoever has POA, they should make sure all end of life requirements are done . He’s a fall away from either hospitalization, or death.. if he gets hospitalized, make sure you tell them he’s unsafe , and no where to go..
Don't show up to do ANY chores, even the gross ones. When the house qualifies for the Hoarder TV Program, call Adult Protective Services and tell them he needs to be placed in Assisted Living, because there are no volunteers. Let it go and see where slovenly issues actually solve problems.
In your situation, the only thing you can do is stop doing everything for him. He is at an age where he won't appreciate it as he doesn't see it as a problem. You will just continue to spend your savings while destroying your own mental and emotional health.
If he misses the toilet and there are heaps of dishes if you didn't clean them, then all you are doing is preventing (at your expense) an unhealthy home. What does he do during the day?
It appears that your Dad cannot really live alone any longer. If he doesn't want to get outside help to keep things clean, see if you can get some assistance from the police for guidelines on what action you can take or who to contact. You shouldn't have to wait for a hospital stay or an eviction notice to get that type of assistance.
My prayers to you as you figure out what you should do in the future.
Can you bring in services? How about a shower chair so he won't fall and rails in the bathroom. A male attendant could be arranged. Is your dad eating old food that has been laying out?
You don't want him to get food poisoning. Oftentimes their brain changes and they can't think right. So yes he may be right about he doesn't want to part with his $$$ but he may be unaware how he actually lives.
This goes on a lot especially if there is no woman around; wife to say "Harry, go put a clean shirt on". The older men need prodding and a reason to get up in the morning.
Usually these things come to a head at 2 o'clock in the morning. Their cognitive skills are not what they once were. They become almost apathetic. I don't think he's going to come up with a plan. My Lord your dad is almost 100. He sounds amazing actually but you "both" need quality of life.
It depends what time of day you visit. Does he make eye contact? Does he have Lewy Body Dementia where things fluctuate. To move him now, who knows at this stage of the game what could happen. I would contact his PCP and see what services his health insurance would cover.
Things will come to a head and it's good that you are on this platform to collect info and see what works best for your situation.
You are a wonderful daughter!
Most times a 15-20 minute consult is free.
Maybe he/she has persuasive ways to make him understand it’s not healthy/safe to live in those circumstances.
I’d be resentful for the fact he takes you for granted.
Make an appointment & free yourself. You have nothing to lose asking questions.
I wish you every joy ~
By this age, some are tired of living and so they lose interest in most things. It is a type of depression.
He needs at least a shower chair by now if he has trouble standing.
He needs to be taken out of the house to place where he can meet people young and old. What did he enjoy doing before? Find a way for him to do some of the things he used to enjoy.