I have spent a lot of time reading the questions and advice on this forum and would love to get some insights into a problem I'm grappling with and a lot of guilt I'm feeling about what is best for myself and my Mom who is only in her mid-60s with moderate stage Alzheimer's.
I have a young child and husband, and we live near a major metropolitan area where housing costs are astronomical. We simply cannot afford to live here anymore. We are also tired of the congestion, long commutes and quality of life here. Currently my parents live over 2 hours away, which is difficult enough as it is for the several visits we make each year. The place they live has zero job prospects for me so I am not able to move closer to them (they only moved there a few years ago, they used to live only 30 minutes from where we are now so it's not like they have long-standing roots to their current location). My Dad cares for my Mom and has refused any assistance or caregivers for several years now, although this is becoming increasingly difficult to manage.
My husband and I want to move far away where we have other family living (it would be a several hours-long plane ride to put it in perspective) and better prospects of building the life we want for our child. My Dad originally said they would move anywhere we did so we could all be close. I would be able to give them much more support this way and so could other family members. I feel this would greatly improve their quality of life in the long-run by having family nearby for support. However, obviously moving is very difficult for seniors, especially with my Mom's diagnosis, let alone to an entirely different region. It now seems like he won't move them after all, despite all the months of planning my husband and I have done to make this a reality. My Dad is complaining about petty aesthetic issues with houses in the new location (they have a much larger budget for housing than I do so this all seems like an excuse to avoid moving at all) and saying he couldn't be satisfied with the housing options there.
I am feeling incredibly depressed and guilty, and unsure of what to do. I want to be here to support them, but I also have to think of what is best for my husband, my child and myself. We have to find a place to live within the next few months and this is time sensitive. As my Dad has refused a lot of my support anyway, I have begun to wonder what else I can really do that can't already be done from a distance or visiting.
Will I feel guilty forever and deeply regret moving forward with our plans? Should I just accept living here while I can still somewhat support them? If there is an emergency, there are literally no other people to support them at all nearby (I am the closest right now over 2 hours away). But staying here and renting yet another place we can barely afford, while spending hours commuting every day, that seems depressing too.
Any advice or suggestions? Or relevant experience to share? Thank you.
Your dad has also made it clear that he, at this time, does not want help.
Make your move.
Live your life.
When the time comes that dad needs help you can REMOTELY research what help is available in their area. (you can do that now if you want and give him all the information, just keep a copy for yourself so you don't have to do the work again)
You can find out if there is Adult Day Care that she can participate in now. Just having a few hours for himself a few days a week will help your dad understand how important help can be.
Then you wait.
You wait until that "something" that will happen that will require a stint in the OR, then rehab. It could be something that happens to dad or mom. At that point you can stress Assisted Living for him, Memory Care for her or maybe for a time AL for both of them.
While expensive Geriatric Care Managers can help.
Many things can be done remotely
Make sure that paperwork is up to date If mom is POA for dad currently that needs to change. (In most cases a Spouse is going to be able to make decisions in an emergency but your mom may not be capable of making decisions.)
A visit to an attorney with mom and dad might be in order before you move.
There is no guilt here. You go ahead with your plans. Your husband and child are ur #1 priority.
Once you get there & have settled in, start researching some senior/assisted living/continuum care type places.
I've heard this story a few times now.. the first visit the folks make, the carer-parent collapses in a heap of exhaustion on arrival. The crises unfolds, the dementia was worse than disclosed, but then the relief of having a safe place to land - then a move is accomplished.
There is a saying (I forgot how it goes) about going on ahead of those you love at times. That it is ok.
The prospect of moving himself and your mother out of the front door, let alone to a different part of the country, is among the things that is beginning to be too much for him to contemplate without despair. So he is clutching at any reason within reach that gives him permission to sit in a corner with his head in his hands.
Accepting pre-arranged help, organised by you? Too difficult. He might have to show them how the microwave works, or where the clean underpants go, or explain that your mother only likes the blue mug. More trouble than they're worth, these aides.
And something might go wrong. And he's fine. He's got it sorted. He'll just keep calm (read: catatonic) and carry on.
Right. First of all decide that YOU and family are moving home for a long list of very good reasons. You're going. That's that.
Next, your parents. Once you know where you're going, reasonably accurately, enlist family support for a research and planning project. Come up with a workable, sustainable plan for them. You need to have clear answers for the where to, how and how much questions.
Moving people with dementia - and the other healthcare needs associated with aging, come to that - is tiresome and detailed hard work, but it's all doable. You say your parents haven't been in their current home for long, so at least there isn't the disadvantage of moving a person with dementia out of her familiar surroundings to be taken into account.
Your father is - I suspect - too depressed to contribute. You need to get him out of there as well as your mother. Try, it's all you can do.
But you're moving anyway.
I think you are right that this is just too hard for him and I need to help him plan this out and try to make some of the decisions easier on him. If he refuses, I will have tried my best. And I hope that in the end he realizes that while moving may not mean a house with exactly the layout or look he envisioned, it would still mean a better quality of life in the end, for both of them. Thank you again for your time, much appreciated.
You move to your preferred destination, settle in and then send them photos and videos, as well as letters to tell them how it’s going. Then ask them to come for a visit. Give them a good time.
There is a good chance that this could turn a ‘step into nowhere’ into a future that they can understand better. Your mother at least is still quite young, and may enjoy the visit. They will also have had a few months to see what their life is like without your potential help. Then they can make a better decision for themselves, and you can see what and why they really prefer.
G for Guilt is not the issue here. You are not guilty if your preferences are different from theirs.