I feel traumatized against medical environments. I keep delaying checkups. Any suggestions?

Thank you so much everyone for your ideas and understanding. It touches me that you show such caring. I shall take your advice.

Arrgh. Don't let fear become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Preventive maintenance is the best way to reduce your changes of needing surgery or intensive care. If nothing else go to Walgreen's and check your BP and get a flu shot. I put off dental care for years since I am such a crappy dental patient with reflux damage and a hyperactive gag reflex, and had some genuinely awful experiences, and now I will need a bunch of stuff done. But I picked a place that said they catered to people like me and it has been pretty reasonable. Not great, but within my tolerance at least.

Now one other thought. When you have a specific phobia like this, and an event you can trace it to, it points to there being things you never got to debrief about or talk about with someone, either professional or peer (as in grief support group) and some kind of counseling or psychological help/support might be indicated to help you with this. Even a PTSD diagnosis might not be out of the question for you - I know the usual thought is that everyone loses their parents and that's the way of things, rather than the other way around, so it should not be such a hard thing to deal with, but darnit, sometimes it just IS.

Agree you need to see someone for a general check up but you don't have to agree to anything you don't understand,don't see the need for or can't afford. Start by agreeing to non invasive investigations again only if you can afford it. I am thinking chest X-ray, blood tests, a mammogram, and stool testing. Ager age 50 a colonoscopy is highly recommended BUT it is expensive and the prep is unpleasant. Start by doing a stool test which you do in the privacy of your home then decide about the colonoscopy. A mammogram is a good idea especially if a manual exam of the breasts find anything unusual but it is your choice. Some women find it uncomfortable especially if they are heavy but I have always tolerated that well. An EKG is done right there in the Dr's office, takes only a few minutes and only involves sticking a few electrodes on your chest. Totally painless but naturally costs more than the Dr using a stethoscope. Now if an echocardiogram is recommended or a stress test make sure you understand the reason and if you want to pay for these as they will cost. The echo is entirely painless you just lie there while a technician rubs the electrode over your chest having applied some recording patches to your chest. Make sure you know why a stress test is necessary. You will need an IV while they do this and if it is neuclear they will inject a mildly radioactive substance into your IV again totally painless. You will be asked to walk on a treadmill for some minutes and if you can't do that they will inject something into the IV to speed up your heart which can be mildly distressing. It does take several hours to complete and is pretty expensive but nothing to be afraid of. If you have heartburn or breathing they may want to pass a thin tube into your lungs or stomach to see what is going on
These two I am deadly afraid of but hubby says they are really not bad. They do give heavy sedation and i always make sure I am out before they start. There is of course an IV involved and you may wake up with a sore throat and I am now less deadly afraid. Don't have anything done if you don't have symptoms and are given a very good reason that YOU understand Go home and think about it and look it up or ask someone knowledgeable to explain. The one that really blew me away was the idea of a cardiac catheterization, I just did not want anyone poking about in my heart. Well it came to where it was essential to fix something and again I asked for heavy sedation and was just fine.
Finally I would say try and get up the courage to make that first visit and maybe start by having your hearing or eyes tested where there will be nothing scary to worry about.
By the way Drs are not just in it for the money these days. They are mostly employed by hospitals or large medical groups and are salaried. What they may do is suggest unnecessary tests and procedure to keep the hospital happy because hospitals like to make lots of money. There are very few private independent Drs these days. The group i am with has an email service and the Dr replies within two days so simple questions don't cost or require a visit. They also send test results this way so you can research things yourself. You can also request appointments and prescription refills which are automatically sent to your pharmacy.
If you are on Medicare a supplementary insurance is a good idea which has a monthly premium of about $100 to $150 a month which helps cover the 20% Medicare does not pay. Even so we pay $10 for each PCP visit and $45 for a specialist and I think about $200 for things like an MRI but far cheaper than the many thousands billed.
You know your financial situation so try a simple visit. You can just go for your annual physical which is covered free by Medicare then you can take it from there. If you don't like the first Dr feel free to change it is entirely up to you.

Correction: should be "try asking to SEE a nurse practitioner."

Singing, try asking to be a nurse practitioner. I've found they're much more approachable and generally spend much more time with a patient than a doctor.

Singing, at least you recognize that you need to overcome this phobia, for your own sake.

Would it help if you took a close friend with you to each visit? That person could help you remember to ask for time to make any decisions about testing (other than routine blood and urine work) and then nag you until you do follow up! Your friend could also jot down notes to help you remember what the doctor says.

Maybe it would help you to feel less vulnerable if you had support with you.

Whatever it takes, do it. You deserve to take good care of yourself.

Yeah, doctors are evil. Just in it for the money. Not like bankers, bus drivers, school teachers, miners, farmers, retailers and every one else who only go to work for the sheer joy and job satisfaction.

Zethrr, if doctors were "in it for the money", they wouldn't be treating Medicare patients.

And you're wrong about doctors contacting patients outside the office. I've been contacted by some, for me and some for my father.

Maybe doctors don't contact you because you have such a negative attitude toward them.

Singing

If you realize the majority of these doctors are seriously in it for the money, and you'll not hear from them, outside the office, unless it is an update to tests you have had, you may be able to overcome your apprehension with going to the doctor.

My SIL never saw MD's for years. She landed in the ER with double vision and they wanted to keep her. She left and went home and promised to call her doctor. ROFL she DOESN'T HAVE a doctor. She is 62.

On the differences betwen doctors:

I have a frien and colleague who is a Type 2 diabetic and very overweight. His pcp told him " I'll have to cut off your feet if you don't eat better".

My friend's response was to shut down and not want to go to the doctor any longef ( ya think?). Eventually, i talked him into seeing my pcp.

The doctor treated him like a human being, established rapport and made him comfortable. The doctor took care of the housekeeping and renewed his scripts. The doctor talked to him about his diabetes and said, " I see you're starting to glaze over. You can solve a lot of this by losing weight. But come back when you've digested what we've talked about".

This is a physician in Brooklyn, who takes insurance, Medicare and Medicaid. If he can do it, so can other docs.

Sometimes you have to experiment with doctors affiliated with different hospitals. Several years ago I decided not to treat with any doctors affiliated with a specific hospital after meeting with them and seeing how unhappy they were b/c the hospital management forced doctors to lose weight to comply with their standards. Clearly, the hospital had made enemies of those doctors.

It is hard to find a doctor with whom you're compatible. But remember, they're people too. They have more education and knowledge in medical areas, but that doesn't mean that people should be uncomfortable with them.

Doctors should not "talk you into" a test; they should explain the purpose, what results would mean, and the pros and cons. Ask specifically how the tests are done, how invasive it is, what the name of the procedure is, then research online to learn all you can.

I went through something similar several years ago, and after minor surgery when the anesthetist ignored the change we collectively made to the authorization and overdosed me on narcotics, I eventually decided to drop the doctor and the hospital.

The doctor especially wanted to keep testing even after 2 biopsies were inconclusive. I was getting paranoid about what might happen, afraid to make changes or decisions and eventually decided to just move on with my life.

In retrospect, I should not have returned to that doctor after the first screwup in the biopsy. I'm a lot more firm now, especially when someone suggests something for my father and we're both opposed to it.

I can understand your frustration. I'm wondering if you could go to a clinic first; some hospitals have them as a way of treating minor illnesses or issues. I always saw a nurse practitioner, and it eased me back into dealing with doctors.

And remember, it is your body, and your decision whether to take their recommended meds and tests. You're also entitled to second opinions.

You mention cost - do you not have health insurance? You can also ask to speak to the billing specialist in a medical office before undergoing tests; he/she should be able to tell you whether your insurance will cover the entire procedure.

Singingway,
I noticed that your profile said your mother had Parkinson's. I can imagine that there were a lot of doctor visits. So, your apprehension is understandable. At least you acknowledge the problem. That's a start.

Do you know anyone who has a good Primary Caregiver? If so, I'd try to get them to go with you to consult with their doctor. Sometimes, finding the right health care professional is the key. I'm lucky in that my Primary and my Endocrinologist are very PRO patient. They are thinking of me and what would work for me. When any tests, meds, therapy, etc. come up, they are aware of insurance and we discuss it. This makes for a pleasant visit. They are on MY SIDE and it shows.

It's nice to see them and get good answers, good news, positive reinforcement. I used to be hesitant to see my Endo if my blood sugars were not running well, but, I learned that she was there to HELP me. Not judge me.

My dad, mom and I all have the same Primary care doctor. He's super nice, sharp and personable. It's nice to have someone like that making sure that I am aware of options and the latest in medical care. I am in charge and he makes it very easy to ask any question on my mind. And if you still feel anxious, I'd ask about meds for anxiety.

Perhaps talking with a social worker who specializes in seniors or with a therapist would be helpful. By using the word "traumatized" it says that you have suffered harm to yourself. Therapists who have experience in trauma can be very helpful in getting you to a place of understanding, acceptance and get to you a place where you can recognize the importance of taking care of yourself medically. Best of luck.

Singing, been there, done that. My problem was I was just so tired to taking my parents, both of them, to constant doctor appointments that if I saw one more waiting room I was going to scream.

And anytime I had set up an appointment for myself, Murphy's Law would come into play, my parents had some time of urgent issue and I would need to cancel my appointments. So I just stopped making appointments for myself.

My parents recently passed, but any time I picked up the phone to call for an appointment I wouldn't finish dialing. I wasn't scared, I was just still very exhausted. I know I need these x-rays, etc. but I keep making excuses. Maybe I just needed a break from it all.

Mm. Singing, I was going to get one of those whizzy wristwatch monitors that keeps a wether eye on your blood pressure and heart rhythm for you. Then I thought... Nah. Don't think I will. I would rather drop dead like my father than live with it for twenty years like my mother. But - ten to fifteen of those years were pretty good. I reserve the right to change my mind at any time.

How to readjust your perceptions of medical settings: I'm not sure how you'll feel about this, but one thing I have done was volunteer at my local hospital. It took three months before I could walk past the entrance to the day surgery unit without welling up (I still do, momentarily). I haven't yet been back to the stroke ward, though I plan to as soon as I've received my formal training in assisting patients at meal times. I've found the value of this to be using what we went through to help other families facing the same issues. Acquiring that experience has been painful enough, you might as well get what good you can out of it.

The thing about check ups - it depends what they're checking! But information itself can't be bad, and finding out more about your general state of health doesn't commit you to anything. You now know a good deal about the treatment and management of chronic conditions. Use what you've learned to make yourself a better informed, more discerning patient.

Make your appointment, go to your appointment, remind yourself - write yourself a note if you like - that you are free to go home at any time.

Or, you could go and get something else done. Go to the dentist. Have an eye test, or a hearing assessment.

The purpose of all the brilliant health care services we have these days is to improve our lives, not just lengthen them. Will the appointment you need to make right now help you do that?

It sounds as though this has reached the level where it might endanger your health, so clearly you need to take some action.

I'd start with mindfulness meditation practise, to see if that gives you the tools to reduce your anxiety so that you can at least schedule an appointment to have your general health checked out. Talk to your gp or internist about your anxiety. Practise saying " i need to think about that" when a doctor proposes tests. " what results might come from a test like that?", " what does that test look for?". " what is the downside of not doing that test now?" are all good questions to pose.

You might want to see a therapist to learn other calmimg techniques, or how to challenge your irrational thinking. You might consider antianxiety meds.

But please take SOME action. You are a valuable and compassionate human being who deserves to take care of yourself. Your mom died on her own terms, peacefully, because it was her time, NOT because you didn't care for her adequately.

Now it's time to take care of YOU.