I confess: I totally lost it and yelled and slammed a door at Mom's MC today, which I know you should never do in such an environment. I had just arrived to take her to lunch and shopping, after spending several stressed-out days waiting for a COVID test (negative, thankfully) because of exposure to someone who had tested positive. And the first thing she said was that she had no Christmas cards to send folks because my husband had stolen them months ago -- the same delusion she has had all year and that has caused an irreparable rift in the family. I don't know how others manage this type of insanity, but I feel like I am out of coping mechanisms. This combined with an incredibly stressful job has given me new medical problems in the last 6 months, and I feel like the ONLY alternative is to reduce visits, but I am all she has. She 100 percent depends on me to meet emotional needs that I could not meet even before she became ill, and it is worse now. Meanwhile the need to keep up with all the administrative business of her care and bills and concern about the future is ever-present, like a dark cloud that won't go away. My husband really resents how this has taken over so much of our time and emotional energy. I'm not even sure there is a question in here, because perhaps there are no answers. Maybe I'm just hoping I am not the only one to lose my temper and behave badly, but I'm also fearful that now that it's happened once, it will happen again.
rift ???? She has dementia!!!!
that’s part of disease!!!!
let it go !!! I think you need educate yourself and hubby on what dementia looks like and be more compassionate knowing her brain is broken and it’s not her fault !!!!
hope you and hubby can find some sympathy and understanding for the real upheaval your mother’s experiencing everyday.
It sometimes helps me to remember photos of an Alzheimer’s diseased brain. It helps me to understand what is happening in my own husband’s brain, and why he behaves so strangely. It even makes me wonder how he is even alive.
Each morning I pray for strength, wisdom, and even patience to endure what the day will bring. God has been faithful to answer my prayers. Hang in there with your mother. You will be glad you did.
Maybe you and your husband need to give your mother a wide berth for a few days let someone else care for her and enjoy each other. If she is struggling with dementia she will complain on your return but may not notice your absence as much as you might think.
Take a step back and consider the toll this is taking on you. Are there options? If not, remember this stage does not last forever - although sometimes it can get slightly worse, so worth considering how to handle it now.
Good luck.
about so much. 90% of it was unrealistic expectations placed on myself. Today's parental visit lasted 5 minutes because they were in their disease so I left. I'll see them soon. Your mom sounds like a leech don't let her drain you dry.
I would like to suggest that you change your expectations. So with the Christmas cards. So what if she accuses your husband of stealing them? Of course, he did not do so. But it is VERY common for people with dementia to accuse people close to them of stealing from them. Let it go. How did this cause an irreparable rift in your family? That's just plain old sad. And unnecessary. Hopefully it can be repaired. Unless the people in the rift are not willing to be reasonable, which is their right.
Since she is in a facility that is meeting her basic needs, I think you should consider backing off a little bit. You can't meet all her emotional needs. Cut back a bit on how much you are visiting. Either number of days and/or minutes per visit.
Put some time and energy back into your marriage.
You are definitely not the only one to lose your temper and/or behave badly. Been there. It's hard dealing with this! You are sorry and very aware that it was not your best moment, so I doubt that it will happen again.
Don't be too hard on yourself! Best of luck as you continue to work on finding a good balance.
Consider getting help to accept this thing that you cannot change. You aren't going to change your mother, but it is imperative that you attempt to change your own reactions.
The serenity prayer may help if you are a believe. It has helped me even as a NON-believer, because it's truth is so universal and profound.
And remember, you aren't super-human. A slammed door hurts no one as long as you are able to own it and apologize for disturbing or frightening others.
How to deal with it so it doesn't happen again? Please find yourself a therapist and get talking about what is going on. This is a lot to deal with and you need some support.
Many of us have dealt with the 'they stole it' issue. It's paranoia that has nothing to do with reality. Please try to educate your family as this part of dementia should in no way have caused an irreparable family rift. It's beyond her control, and it's beyond your control.
I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. You didn't do anything terrible.
However, you're obviously getting burned out, so it is time to take a break. Let your mom sit by herself or get up and out and enjoy the other residents and activities. You are NOT responsible for her emotional needs, regardless of how much she conditioned you to accept that you are. Take care of you and your husband and let mom have at it for a few weeks, she'll be okay.
Tomorrow I see mom so what did I do this Xmas eve morning? Played hardcore metal & punched & kicked a full sized martial arts bag for 30 min. After crying in my car tomorrow I’ll probably do the same after being the dutiful ray of sunshine in MC. This is how I’ll manage - Fyi I’m 50!
Maybe there is some way to literally work out the angst? For me the martial arts sessions aren’t a magic bullet but they do help me not lose it in public. Plus I’m pretty strong now for some reason…
blessings!
I've been managing her life for over 10 years now. She's fallen 90 times that I know of over the past 5 years, 49x since she's in Memory Care alone. I take calls constantly from the MC, just yesterday I took THREE. To say I'm burned out is a gross understatement. So my DH and I take measures to protect ME nowadays. Because if I'm sick or in the hospital myself, then what?? The reality is I'm the only child so it ALL falls on ME. There's nobody to pick up the slack. So I'd better take care of ME o/w who's going to look after HER?
You also need to realize that you will NOT be able to meet all of her emotional needs now b/c that's impossible, especially with dementia at play. Those 'needs' constantly change as the days pass and she changes her criteria. Are you supposed to be everything to her on a daily basis? Come on! Not happening! Come to terms with the fact that you can only do SO much for her and then let the rest go; rely on the MC to meet most of her needs and then you supply the rest. Bring her some cards and ignore the nonsense about your DH stealing them. As soon as she gets ranting about such things, leave her presence. That will ensure you won't blow up and escalate the situation to where YOU are feeling badly at the end of the visit.
I feel your pain, dear one. I'm in the same boat as you are and both of us are doing our best to care for our mother's while being human at the same time. Burnout and compassion fatigue are very real, too, and should never be discounted by those who don't understand. Take care of YOU throughout the coming days b/c you matter too. Sometimes we get so caught up in the needs of the elder that we forget that fact. Best of luck
Whomever she was that you disagreed with or argued with or were harangued y in the past, IS GONE.
You can live with her stuff and stop suffering by realizing that IT IS HER STUFF, and that she is using a damaged and deteriorating brain to produce it.
It isn’t caused by you, or what you do, or what you say. Take all of it “one day at a time”.
If she isn’t behaving well when you come to do something nice for her, YOU HAVE PERMISSION TO LEAVE.
THEN, go shopping by yourself, treat yourself to a relaxing lunch, and make a brief (BRIEF) visit in another day or two.
She’s in memory care. Whether you support her emotionally once a day or once every, she may remember or not, but will not effect HER emotional well being as much as it’s effecting YOURS.
Share your new strategy with your husband.
You need to step back and look at your life. All jobs are stressful while learning. But if the stress does not let up, maybe look for another job. Do you really need the money? Can u and husband downsize? Cut back a little? Is the job stressful because of Moms needs. If so, Mom is safe and cared for. She needs to rely on staff. You need to visit less. Maybe weekends only. If she calls work, you need to stop taking the calls. Block her, then you don't even know she tried. If all she uses a phone for is to call you, then maybe lose it. Don't visit if you are already stressed out. The MC will call if an emergency or something concerning her care. They should not be calling you for every little thing. It's their job to handle Mom. And you need to tell them that. Mom is paying big bucks for them to handle it.
My Mom did have a house when she went into the AL. It was put up for sale and the realtor handled the rest. I was retired so paying bills was not too bad. But I didn't like doing it. Now you have so many options. My grandson and nephew pay by apps. I just set up my Credit card to pay thru the app. Just a push of a button. No stamp, no check writing. I had Moms loan on her heater set up automatic withdrawal. If I hadn't had the house, life would have been better.
Its up to you to get rid of the stressors you can. Is your health worth the stress of a job? Does Mom really know if you have visited or not? I found that Moms days just went into each other. She had no idea when I had been there. And those cards...believe me, I would have probably said the same thing. Then thought "All I needed to say we'd get some while we are out."
"the same delusion she has had all year and that has caused an irreparable rift in the family." Really? The woman has a Dementia and the people involved can't just let that roll off their backs. She has no control over what she says or does. Thoughts just flit thru her mind and there is no filter to keep them from coming out of her mouth. If this is one of your stressors than the person/people are the ones you tell to get over it.
When it comes to COVID test I knew the results within 24 hours by signing up for the providers portal. Printed off the results.
Tomorrows Christmas. Enjoy it as much as possible. Take the rest of the year to evaluate your life. Then welcome in the new year on a different note. Remember, no one can do it all. You need to let some things go letting someone else do them. What does the future hold? Mom's impending passing, we all die. Money running out...then its LTC with Medicaid pending. Unless your State, like mine, will pay for an MC after a certain length of time paying privately.
Do I remember this. For years I had this dark cloud over my head worrying that I would make the wrong decision. I'd be on edge that I would get a call and my day would be ruined dealing with his latest crap. And my biggest fear was he would run out of money.
I lost it on him once in the ER waiting room because we were there for something frivolous and I just didn't have 6 hours to waste on my precious day off. And the worst part is he thinks he is doing me a favor by creating 'something for me to do".
She lives in another city and is the daughter Mum always wanted. I am the daughter that was not wanted by my Mum or Dad.
She was haranguing me about not spending Christmas with Mum, not helping Mum with a situation she has gotten herself into many times over the years and more. Basically telling me to kowtow to my abuser. Not going to happen.
Your Mum is in a place where she is getting care. That is important. But you are not required to be her emotional support person. You are allowed to reduce visits. There is no rule that you have to visit X number of times a week or month.
My Mum used anger for decades to intimidate people, now that does not work she uses tears. Oh how can you possibly not help your mother, she is crying? Nope she is reaping the rewards of her actions.
I have been where you are now. Know that you cannot possibly meet all your mother's emotional needs. Know that you cannot possibly make "everything right" for her. Know that you are only human and may lose your temper.
Christmas cards are cheap. Buy your mom new ones. Your health is not. Is there anyone in your family who'd be willing to assume the administrative aspect of your mom's healthcare, permanently or temporarily? This Covid issue has placed everyone under an additional layer of stress and anxiety, not to mention the Christmas season, etc. This is all very hard. Reduce your visits, at least for awhile before the stress kills you. I had to cut back for the sake of sanity and discovered my mom didn't know the difference between weekly and monthly visits (or whatever duration you determine is sufficient to ensure her care is being managed appropriately, which is why she's in memory care). Wishing you a peaceful Christmas and the answers you will find within. (((Hugs)))
Please tell yourself that over and over before losing it again around her. You are her lifeline to what's still familiar, and if you go off the rails, it's terrifying to her. She can't help what she says and does, but you can.
I remember consciously telling myself that my mom was MY mom, because she wasn't my mom anymore. I never lost my temper with her because she never did anything to warrant that, but for me, keeping in mind that this stranger was my mother and to treat her as I'd treat my mother took real effort. I knew that she didn't know me as her daughter anymore, but the way I talked to her told her I was a friendly, familiar person.
You aren't going to get what you want from her any longer, but try to find it in yourself to be at least something of what she remembers in you.
i didn’t mean to vent !
Your response shows that you're at so high a level of stress that you cannot provide emotional assistance reliably to Mom with or without significant detriment to yourself.
I would step back, and instead talk to the DON at the MC to maximize mom's exposure to community room-group activities that increase socialization. These people are all in past worlds in which they make only ethereal connections maintained through consistent human contact with peers. Her emotional life may be fuller than what you could ever provide, not being a peer that she is around. You can't by definition understand.
If you have Amazon or Netflix, I'd seriously download that episode Black Mirror: San Junipero. It goes into exactly how things can get, with San Junipero being kind of a version of heaven you can visit before with other AL/NH residents, a place where everyone's about 18 but all know what's up, and an option to retire to when your physical body is no more. It was set in about 2045. I really hope it's like that by then as I'll probably need AL! Sign me right up.