Totally lost it at Mom's MC today; does this happen to others?

One thing you haven't told us is how this caused "an irreparable rift in the family." Do some people believe that your husband stole Christmas cards from an old lady? This sounds so ridiculous as I type it.

Unfortunately, sometimes we yell or slam doors too. I think I need to get a dammit doll, and lot of others here too. Several years ago my son's mother-in-law (the proverbial mother-in-law from hell), accused him of taking a screwdriver from her. She found it years later, but it made no difference in her. I had wished at the time that my son had gone out and bought her a dozen screwdrivers and dumped them on her kitchen table.

I'd love to hear you tell us how she handled it if your husband went and bought her boxes and boxes of cards and delivered them to her, then asked her if it was enough. If not, what would it take? Every family member showing up with boxes of cards, showing solidarity with your husband, and demanding she get over it?

You are not alone in this. I have, at times, yelled back; and other times just stood there keeping myself from saying anything but thinking horrible things as I endured another one of my mother's tirades.

Bottom line, if you reduced your visits, letting her know exactly why, she would learn to adapt.

Your mother’s fate is decided. You need to reduce the visits. Get rid of the guilt and resentment.

Lots of insight here. Honestly, what helped ME cope and put life into perspective is counselling. That helped me set practical boundaries ( what I would do and what I wouldn't/couldn't). The overwhelming stress is gone, and I can mostly recognize when it's getting to much and I need to step back. And yes, there were fissures in family relationships that needed addressing.

Let yourself be human!!!  It is frustrating and hard to balance everything.  My husband is gone and it is just mom and I.  I get angry sometimes as her Dementia is evolving.  The first time I got angry I told mom that if she didn't like how I took care of her to fire me and walked away.  I had to go calm down, listen to some good music, and remind myself that she is way more lost than I am.  When I went back, I apologized and asked her to forgive me.  We had a really simple talk about what I should do when I get frustrated, and we both agreed that I should just tell her a need a little break and I'll be back.  So far, it is working.  I'm sure it will change and sure that we will change with it.  It really helps to work some humor into these situations later.  The next day I asked mom if I was fired or did I still have a job and she laughed.  I did too.  It will happen again, just have a plan.  I have been her caregiver in my home for 25 years.  We all get angry or frustrated from time to time.  I too have a full time job that is very stressful.  Put aside your fears, give yourself permission to have feelings, and learn when to take a walk.  I hope this helps!

My mom accused everyone of something in the early stages of her dementia. But eventually it stopped. We just got used to it and changed the subject whenever she’d come up with an accusation.

Take your mom to see a neuro if she does not have one, or if her family /geriatric Dr can prescribe ask him or her to prescribe seroquel. My father was having bizarre hallucinations and delusions and was accusing everyone in the facility of stealing stuff from him; it turns out he placed X somewhere and does not remember where he placed it. He accused the caregivers of stealing his phone, he had left it inside the refrigerator. :-)

Please know it is going to be an adjustment for everyone including you but with time and proper medication it will get better. Trust me it will happen it took me close to 2 years and 3 moves to find the right place for my dad and find the peace of mind I so needed. Yes, it is overwhelming and stressful but with proper management you will get there.

These facilities are used to it LOL I think we all have lost our temper at MC management once or twice, but please keep it in mind that you need to feel comfortable leaving the care of your mom at a facility.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I have gone through the same emotional, financial and relationship stresses you are going through. If you have not yet, see if there is a group you can join, talking to others dealing with family members suffering from cognitive impairment will help you. Most often there are groups formed from families at the facility or go to the Alzheimers website you can find groups there; it will help you. Most are doing webex, zoon calls thus you can meet virtually.

Best wishes

I totally get it. My mom lives with my husband and I and this dementia can try your patience. It’s hard not to get warned down by the things our loved one says. When my mom accuses me of giving her stale food from yesterday, when I literally just bought a fresh rotisserie chicken, it totally annoys me. I’m realizing that it’s easier for me to say, “okay, then you don’t have to eat it,” or, “you really loved it yesterday 😂.” Instead of, “mom, I bought this fresh chicken just 10 min ago, just for you, how can you say that!” I get more anxious trying to prove my point. It’s more for you than it is for the confused person, to keep the conversation at a low conflict level. He/she is going to forget about it in 2 min but you will walk away feeling angry and regretful for blowing up. Take care of yourself, before you take care of others. I know it’s easier said than done but I too am experiencing physical ailments because of the stress and I need to take care of me. Go buy some Xmas cards and tell her you found them under the bed and stick to the story- it will eventually stick. I’m learning to give myself grace so I can grant it to my mom.

Hi vent your feelings without guilt it's hard emotionally but you learn thru them. My mom has alzhiemers,bedridden 13 months,days she does not know who I am I'm her main caregiver boy I have made mistakes but now I understand a little bit more I research to educate myself and use a lot of sense of humor to stay above and my faith helps me to overcome the adversity..Then we help others by what we go thru the strain of it life changing.Find a support group or friends of friends that have been caregivers..it helps a lot..PRAYRS to you..

Squid62: Imho, you are a mortal being and you are a STELLAR individual. Prayers sent.

Things I’m learning.
We’re only human.

Wonder Woman had nothing on a full time care giver.

If they weren’t nice during life, they won’t be nicer as they face death.

We can only do our best, and often it won’t be enough.

it seems the higher emotions like empathy and compassion are the first to die.

take care of you. You’re doing something superhuman.

YES!!
My mom is sound of mind but completely disabled. In her own words ‘helpless’ but luckily with a great deal of determination from her and exhausting mental and physical help from me has managed to remain in the family home of 60+ years. I’m an active 64 but slowing down myself. Mom always ruled the roost. Dad passed at 70. She didn’t know how to write a cheque out and has been needy ever since. I’ve cared for her since she had a knee replacement op when she was 80 and she’s now 97. She’s stubborn and difficult and refuses to make, or pay out for the adjustments to her house that would make life easier for both of us. She’s lucky to have family and friends however I am her only daughter and I call in every day to oversee all her needs, carers, doctors, medication, hearing aids, washing, ordering nice ready meals ( I used to spend hours cooking for her but had to cut that out )
She’s been a good mom and grandmother over the years but here is my story.
Just before Christmas she stressed me out big time one particular night.
The moment I walked in the door she complained the carers had given her a horrible dinner and went into great detail about it. ‘it was too sloppy, couldn’t chew the meat (gave it to my dog) the green beans, carrots and MUSHROOM were so hard she couldn’t bite through them. The evidence was left on the plate all chewed up and spat out.
The problem is. She’d had that steak, gravy and veggie dinner before and enjoyed it so much I’d ordered more of them. All now sitting in the freezer … to be spat out again ?
She continued saying whoever made the meal didn’t cook it properly. Then said I wasn’t to say anything to the carers about it. But she complains to ME pulling a horrible face and wrinkling up her nose it was then I felt myself starting to shake with pure frustration. ..
Then the phone rang, she answers and it’s my brother … he and his wife are at a Xmas concert .. he said this is a quick call mom can’t stay on long. Mom said cheerily oh have a lovely time…., my brother knows nothing of the pain I have gone through and doesn’t really want to know. He says mom has had her life and he’s having his. I try not to feel resentful.
part 2
As long as I can remember mom finds Xmas very stressful and I take the brunt of it. When I worked she’d phone me crying that she couldn’t get out to buy last minute presents and didn’t know what to buy anyway. I’d feel so guilty.
I’d decided this year we would make an early start. I’d put the tree up, helped her slowly write umpteen Christmas cards and posted them all off home and abroad. Wrapped her presents for family and friends. All to make her happy. When she’d finished writing xmas cards I put the boxes back upstairs. She was adamant she wasn’t writing a card for someone who moved away years ago. Then she received a card from them and wanted to send one after all. That’s ok. So I’d fetched a card down and left it for her to write on … so when she grumpily said … whats this card for ?? It lit my touch paper and I exploded . … THE ONE YOU WEREN'T GOING TO SEND TO …. AND THEN CHANGED YOUR MIND. Then she said ehh👂 ?
I turned and stormed out feeling ILL.
I do feel for you … we’re only human.

So i gave myself a day off. …and when I went back she was as nice as pie :-)

I gave up trying to tell my husband he has to take his meds. He has been in MC and is fighting everything. He is mad at me but my attitude now is “so what”. I did my best when he was home and yes I lost it too. I am still trying to do my best. Hang in there and don’t worry about loosing it. We are humans and can take just so much.

I am soooo with you in your challenges through all this. I am also the only emotional support my mom has, and she is naturally a very mean and vile person. So I struggle with the how to filter out her venom ... is her personality, is it the dementia, is it both??? I am not married, no kids ... so this caregiving for my mom has dampened most of my friendships since i don't have time to catch up with them and my conversations are mostly about my mother and I. This journey has made me feel sad, angry, guilty, and lonely. It's forums like this that help folks like us see we are actually not really alone in this often long battle. ((hugs)) to you.

Just give up the idea of convincing your mother of anything! She can't help her misguided thinking and neither can you. Don't react to her anger. Just drop the subject, distract her, talk about something else. Put your husband first...he's the one you have to live with...not her.

She's being cared for, but even the best of care-givers, even YOU, cannot reverse the course of her disease or satisfy all her wants. If you find yourself losing all patience with her, leave. You can return when you are feeling stronger. You are not alone. Try to find a support group and keep in touch with those on this site who are experiencing similar difficulties. They can share many ideas and insights.

First of all, she has dementia and her needs will be great - however that DOES NOT MEAN SHE HAS THE RIGHT, NO MATTER THE REASON, TO 'ABUSE' YOU AND MAKE IT SO HARD FOR YOU. You are a normal, loving person and all that is happening is harming you and overwhelming you. Then she starts in with her nonsense. Most people would say to ignore or deflect but that does not work when you are filled to the overflow point with anger and frustration. She is sick and you will be if you don't stop it at once. I say do explode and blow up - it relieves your stress and she won't remember long anyway. Also know she is no longer who she was - so do NOT keep going and be harmed more. Seek the advice of an eldercare attorney and see what, if anything could be done, to relieve you of some of the duties you now have. What you need to remember is you must keep your marriage - YOU HAVE TO COME FIRST.

We are all in the same crazy boat. Do what you need to keep yourself healthy and find some peace.

My mother(85) and husband's aunt (93) both have different stages of dementia.
They live at their homes with either PT or FT sitters. Family does visit when they can but the lion's share falls on me and my husband. I swear these old ladies complain all the time because that's all they can think of to say. One has a lot of language issues. Husband shops for aunt every week for the very same items. Today she argued she has not had blueberries in so long ( she gets them each week). She blames her sitters and visitors for eating all her cookies and candy.

Anything new is a big issue for my mom. She remembers nothing at all. We went to eat lunch with her over the holidays to find her in her nightgown headed back to bed. All plans are written on her calendar.

God help us all.

What You are going through is painful and real. Try your best not to lose your temper, but since it has already happened, forgive yourself 100%. Vow not to do it again. These outbursts may hurt you even more than those around you (when you relive and revisit them) so do everything you can to prevent them from bubbling up.

Go for a drive, a walk, go to a movie, remove yourself from the situation, take a hot bath, listen to music, engage in crafts, whatever it takes to cool down and cool off and prevent humiliation all around.

Forgive your Mom’s accusation about the stolen holiday cards. This is not rational on so many levels that it bears no further explanation.

Understand that her brain is broken and something is making her discontented and she is not able to explain the cause.

Bring her a stack of holiday cards and have her sign her name to them (a busy work activity that may make her feel accomplishment). Send them out for her to the people who might appreciate them. She may not be able to accomplish this next year. If she can’t handle them or is too angry or gets back to accusations, just stop.

I know you are angry with her, but this isn’t really “her.”

Do what you can to comfort her and soothe her, just as you might need if someone “stole” something that is important to you. Her life and her mind and her memories are being stolen from her and she is losing ground everyday and probably will continually worsen.

Love her for who she is. Redirect the scattered accusations, stay with her as long as you can stand to and soothe her however long as you can. This is for her, but mainly for you, as you will be glad someday for all the happy and comforting memories you are able to puzzle together.

Take comfort in knowing that there are many of us who have lived through this and you will live through this and you will be okay.

You've got too much on your plate or rather, you worry about things you don't need to worry about.
Choose your fights. You can't help what someone thinks. If someone thinks cards were taken or whatever, you can't change what they think. What you can do is buy Xmas cards then pretend to find them in mom's room and tell her here they are, hubby didn't take them after all.
Deventually is a whole new ballgame and it's better just to go with the flow. No need to be right, you can't change a thought. Pretend it's make believe even tho it's totally real to your loved one.
Do what you would want done.
Visn't at least once a week.

Try to get others to visit mom too.

PUT yourself where mom is. Nursing Homes are a Horrible place to live!

Don't take away what little enjoyment mom has from a weekly visit.

People go down hill very fast living in a Nursing Home. It's the absolute worse place you could be in and I know from experience.

You are not the first nor will you be the last to lose your temper. I cared for my husband who had Parkinsons and dementia (diagnosed in 2015) at home until July of this year when he was hospitalized for sepsis, then I had to move him to MC because I couldn't care for him at home any longer. Old wounds would come up from our marriage when he'd say something ridiculous to me, or just yell at me or be unreasonable (that's an oxymoron for someone with dementia) and I'd lose my mind with anger. My daughter (she lived with us for a year during 2020 Covid) would get mad at me and say "Mom, he's sick." These reactions are so normal under a stressful situation. Please don't beat yourself up for it You're human and being a caregiver is very stressful. I'd suggest you join a support group or talk to a therapist. I know it helped me.

BTW - my husband passed away October 24 after 4 months in memory care, and I now look back with regret and wished I could have handled certain situations differently. However, I cared for him, visited him every day in MC and loved him until the end.

I am witnessing you with compassion. I have said it feels like I can't get out from under an umbrella. Reduce visits or combine visits with things you have to do anyway, like pick her up when you go grocery shop or run errands, like pick up dry cleaning, etc. . You are spending time with her but also doing what you have to do, and when the errands are done, you take her back and have time for yourself. Make time for yourself. See if your job has some support for employee with elder care responsibility. Or, if you are able to work from home, could you work a few hours a week from the MC somewhere, maybe an empty office or conference room and Mom could see you there or you could walk down the hall a few times and say Hi. Your job may have Employee Assistance Program for some free counseling. Most give about 5-10 free sessions. Its not a miracle but its free and can help. Slamming a door and raising a voice in this situation is not that big a deal. Don't beat yourself up. If you think an apology will make you feel better, say it and move on. Don't know if your mom can use a telephone but I have tried talking to her while I am taking a walk. Again, I'm taking care of something for me while giving her some attention. its not perfect but...Take care, there are others of us here in the same boat and we understand.

I have told Mom repeatedly from the get-go, as soon as we knew about her diagnosis, "It doesn't matter what you say or what you do, I will always know you love me." I also promised her that I would always know WHO she is -- not mistake the disease for the beautiful, intelligent, funny, compassionate woman I've known for 60 years. When she is angry about things that never happened, I focus on the disease that has made her so angry and frustrated and reach out to her with compassion. Mom lost her temper at me once and it was an ugly scene. She stormed off into the other room and was furious for something that never happened. I asked my sister to call Mom's phone and sis started immediately with the cheery talk and talked her down. Mom was a little on edge that night, but no more drama. I did not figure she would remember it at all, but the next morning, she woke me up and started apologizing about how awful she was. I got up and hugged her and told her that it wasn't her fault. It was the hateful disease and she owes me no apology for something she couldn't help. Then I reminded her that, no matter what she says or does, I will ALWAYS know she loves me. I will never confuse her disease with her. One thing Mom told me my entire life is that you will never regret being kinder than you're expected to be.

My mom lived with us for 5 years, when she had Alzheimer's, with the accompanying auditory and visual hallucinations, paranoia, etc. She'd accuse my husband and me of going throguh her purse, which had $5 in it, (which I put there) and a lipstick. I told her that we didn't need her money and I had my own lipstick, but some days, she couldn't be reasoned with. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." (I thought of the title when I was driving home from work one day, and I relaizrd tha my once broad life was reduced to the pressing health concerns of my mom and dog.) I tried to find a sense of humor about things, for my own sanity, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she had pounded the pavement, looking for a job (accounting) in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the street of NY, if you know what I mean." My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker. I had to remind myself that it was the disease talking, when she'd be inuslting to my husband or me, or accusatory. We all have to vent. I could write a book...

Always keep in the front of your mind that she can't help what she says or does. Before my mom went into MC I would do as you did.Yell,scream and slam out the door.I had trouble seeing her as she is now not as she was.When I visit now I see that when she is having one of her bad anxiety days where she crying and argumentative she really isn't a 100% involved in it. It's like she's on another level while it is going on.Just think how hard it is for them to know this is going on on some level and they can't control it.In the few moments of clarity that my mom still has she has stated this .Just remember and don't take any of the hurtful things they say to heart. It's not your mom talking it's the disease. Hope this helps.

I wrote for a newspaper while I was taking care of my Dad with dewmentia. Let's just say, I wrote a column called BREAKING BAD - when caregivers overdo it and how to help. LOL
My dad's doctor's office told me I needed to calm down. LOL I am one of the most calm, peacemaking people ever. It changes you. Ask your doctor about SSRI's. I started taking them, and it helped tremendously. You also need people to vent on, and tell your story to. God bless you!

I want to tell you right now that you're not the first person to lose their temper with an elderly person and you certainly won't be the last. So please stop beating yourself up over it. You're not perfect. None of us are.
Being everything and everyone for your mother is too much or one person. You do not have to meet all of her emotional needs. If this was something you were unable to do before dementia arrived, what makes you think you can do it now?
Please for your own sake as well as your husband's, step back. You can have a conservator appointed over your mother through the probate court in the town she lives in. Visit the probate court and talk to them about this. They will direct and provide information for you to make a decision.
If your dementia-suffering mother carrying on about Christmas cards being stolen has caused such a rift in your family, you must have the dumbest family on earth. No offense intended but come on. Do they not understand what a memory care facility is and why an elderly person lives in one? They don't know what dementia is or the delusions and the incoherent, asinine behaviors that accompanies it?
It sounds to me like your family needs to speak to a doctor and get a few pamphlets to learn what dementia is.

You mention coping mechanisms - In case you have not had the pleasure, my advice is explore Teepa Snow’s work. She is not only called the ‘Dementia Whisperer’ in the industry, but is also a breath of fresh air to any and all family caregivers. She is blunt, humorous, and honest with all of her work. YouTube is a good starting point, but I believe she also has podcasts and webinars.

Lots of people have said you shouldn't feel terrible about your little blowout the other day. So don't!
And don't get too concerned about the stealing accusations. It's universal to dementia patients.
Buy a big box of inexpensive cards and give her 4 or 5 at a time.

Reduce the number if times you visit to something YOU can handle. This is such a stressful situation. Take care of yourself.

When you do go to visit it might make things easier to change what you do when visiting. Remember that it us nearly impossible to have a real conversation with a dementia patient. It will only frustrate you both if you try to chat about family or friends she may not even recall, or what you've been up to. Visit during one of the scheduled activities and join in with her. Sitting together to watch a guitarist perform is together time without stress. If they have a craft or activity, join in, or play a game with the group. If there isn't an activity maybe you can start something. If there are several people hanging around, start a singalong. Just break out in a familiar tune and someone is bound to join in. Often dementia patients can sing a familiar song, even if they cannot form a sensible sentence. And if you think that would embarrass you, well, it's less embarrassing than losing your cool and slamming a door! Just do it!
A visit that includes going to lunch or shopping may be more interesting to you, but can be disruptive to your mother. She has a set routine in familiar surroundings. Going somewhere else bombards her with different stimuli that her brain has trouble processing. And it's more stress on you to get her in and out of the car, watch to be sure she doesn't wander off, wonder if she'll need the bathroom (or if you need it!) Much easier to stay at the MC.

So, cutting yourself some slack, reducing the number of visits, and changing what you do during the visits might significantly reduce your stress levels.
Then pick a time to have a date with your husband! You both deserve it.
Best of luck to you.

You are trying to fill a lot of big relationship buckets with your half-empty (near-empty?) emotional bucket. No wonder you feel stressed, tired, and about to lose it at the MC (other places too?).

May I recommend that you need to talk with a counsellor to sort out all these relationships. I also recommend reading any of the boundary books by Townsend and Cloud since it appears that you are allowing others' behavior and needs overwhelm you. These authors outline great strategies for dealing with the stress you write of. A counsellor can help you with putting together strategies to implement.

May I also suggest you have a series of talks with your spouse. Your relationship is getting overwhelmed with caregiving and the financial stress of it. Discuss what you both want out of this time in your lives. Discuss what is getting in the way of nurturing your relationship. Discuss ways to deal with those issues. You may also wish to talk to the social worker at MC about your mom's other ways of financing her MC.

Getting angry and losing your temper is normal. I lost my temper several times, and felt horrible afterward. The good thing is that with Dementia, tomorrow is always a new day, and our loved ones might forget the outburst.

However, I do not understand why your mother's delusion caused a rift in the family. Hallucinations and delusions are a part of the disease. You have to find ways to manage them by using distraction, redirection, and therapeutic lying. Medication is also needed.

To the point, cut back on the visits. Has your mother had a recent mental evaluation to adjust her medications? My sister in AL had to have this done as she had become very difficult, accusations of me and her care staff stealing things. She even came up with a name for it. She called them "pickers". And every time I visited she immediately went into "moan, groan, complain" mode. Her meds were adjusted and it helped a lot. But, I also found that cutting back on visits were not noticeable to her and it certainly helped my attitude. Your husband I hope understands that she has no rational thought process at this point. If he has little to no patience with the situation and its a trait of his in other matters, then it might be better if he doesn't visit. But I really see cutting back on visits as benefiting you and your family. Your frustration will become more manageable. I wonder if you are concerned that if you cut back you will feel like you have abandoned her. Let the staff do their job. Ease your mind and it may even be beneficial to the staff to reduce your visits. Its not letting go on her security rope, its just loosening your grip. You may have even convinced yourself that you are the only one that can meet her needs. If you feel good about the staff and facilities, let yourself depend on them. Don't be a martyr. Her needs are being met. Take care of yourself and your life.